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| The History of Steven Seagal... |
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| Steven was born on the 10th of April, 1951. As soon as he emerged it was evident that he had much to do, as he appeared focused and determined. Mr and Mrs Seagal could see from a very early age that their son would change the world and make it a better, safer place to live in. When Steven Seagal was 10, he invented martial arts. Many people were amazed and surprised at this new form of combat, and he started to teach those he felt were worthy of such knowledge. In one of his classes was a young Japanese man named Eric, who became so obsessed with his newly acquired skills that he took them back to Japan where they spread quicker than Pokemon. Because of this rapid surge in popularity it is commonly misconceived that martial arts was invented in Japan, but that isn't really true. Being that Steven Seagal is a peaceful and calm person, he didn't get mad at the Japanese for stealing his ideas, instead he embraced their culture. Because of this, Steven Seagal's eyes often appear squinty, as a tribute to the Japanese people. |
| When he was about 12, Steven Seagal realized that by running celluloid film through a light-sensitive device you could make movies. He started making music videos after realizing that by tightening 6 strings to a special device and manipulating them in a certain way you could make music and rock on. After doing this for a while he went on to capturing his incredible martial arts skills on film and making everyone crap themselves with excitement. They all thought it was the best ever. When Steven Seagal turned 19 something happened which changed his life. One day when he couldn't be bothered singing, Steven Seagal spoke the words to some of the songs he'd written over his music. He realized that it sounded amazing, and on that day rap music was invented. All the people in the town he lived in came to see his incredible rap performances. Realizing that he needed a "crew", Steven Seagal invented black people. As with the Japanese, the black people embraced Steven Seagal's new form of music and claimed it for themselves. It is commonly misconceived that black people invented rap music, but that is far from the truth. Steven Seagal was not annoyed by this, though, and soon became at one with the black people. |
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| Soon after this happened, Steven Seagal became famous for making action movies where a lot of things explode. After experimenting with a wide variety of co-stars, including Playboy Playmate and Baywatch star Erika Eleniak, Steven Seagal decided to incorporate the things which he loves the most in life into his movies - black people, rap music, ass kicking and grapefruit. His movies aimed to not only inform the audience about current events and issues (such as the environment - I for one never knew it existed until I saw "On Deadly Ground"), but to show people that it's easy to take a gun from someone when they're pointing it at you. |
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| But the world has only tasted a small slice of the rich grapefruit that is Steven Seagal. We can anticipate many more years of learning, peace and ass-kicking from one of Hollywood's most critically acclaimed stars. Hopefully Steven Seagal will add to his ever-growing brood of children, and eventually create a race of super-people who love and tolerate one another. |
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