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Biography
"I
don't need to practice law, I speak it fluently!"
What
better way to start off a biography then with a recent interview?
...Look, we couldn't afford the dancing monkeys...
I got
this from the August 2003 issue of "MELBOURNE - the magazine Melbourne
lives by". Enjoy. My City Shaun Micallef
Talk show host (Micallef Tonight) Channel Nine
INTERVIEWER JANELLE MCCULLOCH
Where do you
choose to live in Melbourne, and why?
Williamstown. We used to live in Port Melbourne but Williamstown
has more space. And it actually has a better view, too.
Earliest defining
Melbourne memory?
It�s a pretty horrible memory! I had driven from Adelaide in a
horrible little Ford Capri with an ironing board in the front
seat. I think I�d tried to put the roof up and the board had become
stuck in the window! Anyhow, I got lost trying to get to Albert
Park and ended up on Kings Way doing diminishing circles for three
hours. I remember being petrified of the hook turns�they started
warning you about these in Adelaide�so I was trying to avoid them
and kept getting abused by taxi drivers! So yes, my first memory
is of abuse, really.
What do you most
like about Melbourne?
I like it that it now feels like home. I even like the winter.
I also like the little lights in the trees you see in the CBD
when you come out of the cinema. You feel this lovely sense of
Melbourne comfort.
Admirable Melburnian(s)?
Probably the Melburnian, Barry Humphries. I have a great affection
for that man. He was the reason I chucked in my former [law] career
and started writing comedy. He is the quintessential Melburnian,
and a great defender of this city.
Favourite places
to hang out, shop at or just chill out at?
The Vic Markets. I still wear the same coat I bought there years
ago. I should really go back and get another one, I guess. I also
love the Library. I like going there and writing. And if I have
a question about a word I just go and ask someone! I love the
smell of the place..
Well, we all know what
to do now! Buy coats from the Vic Markets, station yourself outside
all known Melborne libraries and knock on all doors in Williamstown
until you find Shauns...*cough*...Or I would if I COULD GET TO
MELBORNE *curses that she isn't old enough to drive*
Jolinar is currently reserching and compiling a complete biography,
but until that is ready we give you Shaun's self-biography, attained
without permission but with love from this
bit of TV tome, originally
from Herald Sun - Saturday 21st June.
Age: Cretaceous.
Attitude: One of unswerving devotion to myself. I am single-minded
in my pursuit of money, fame and power. I also collect spoons.
Big Break: I was in America backstage during a performance of
LouDockstedder's Minstrels when Al Jolson turned up drunk and
was unable to go on. I quickly put on his make-up and wig and
took his place.
He Says: "Everyone here at Nine seems nice - too nice in fact.
Have you seen the Stepford Wives? It's like that."
They Say: "He's an enigma. He arrives, fully made-up, only minutes
before the show, and he leaves the moment the credits roll. He
only communicates through intermediaries. I've never actually
spoken to him directly" - Todd Abbott, executive producer, Micallef
Tonight.
What Next: I hope to one day build a leper colony. I am presently
seeking the appropriate council permits. It is very difficult
finding lepers to populate it, however, and I may have to go abroad
or compromise a bit and use people with a lesser skin disorder.
Weekend TV Favourites: I can't stand television and refuse to
watch it in any form. I will, however, often listen to it from
another room.
And to add to that, a few goodies picked up from the
official ABC Micallef website, again used without permission.
Take all of this with a grain of sodium chloride.
A
PERSONAL MEMOIR
By Shaun
Micallef Mum had met Dad during the First World War. She was
a munitions handler at a factory and when a handsome NCO walked
up to her and asked where he and his band were doing Worker's Playtime
she fell in love straight away. Dad took a little more convincing.
She was a big woman, three hundred pounds in the old measurements.
The only daughter of Russian immigrants who could not speak a word
of English they relied on her to put food on the table and keep
Grandpa's mug full of pernod. Mum's parents had escaped Russia during
the revolution. Why? I don't know. They were peasants. It was a
confusing time. Fires and much yelling. They left Minsk one morning
and never returned. A kindly man with a boat took them through the
Urals. They almost froze to death. They took little with them. Some
food, Grandpa's ventriloquist dummy and Nanna's prized harp.
When they sailed into New York Harbour in those desperate days before
the Great War how could they have known the fate that awaited them
on Ellis Island. Corralled behind a rope and covered in lice they
waited to have their family name changed from Willahorski to the
anglicised and apparently more acceptable "Coconut". And then onto
a small hovel on West 133rd St above a pawn shop and Chinese laundry.
Ah - those smells! For years Grandpa would regale us with tales
of how he and Nana reeled with nausea around their garret for weeks
on end until finally he would have to go downstairs and confront
both Mr Saul and Mr Lim. "Must you boil those old trumpets?", he
would ask the pawnbroker. "Aren't those trousers done yet?", he
would screech at Mr Lim. It did no good. The police were summoned.
Then the Fire Brigade. The Department of Works. And finally the
guy with the sand that covers the sick in the streets. No-one could
get those two old men to stop preparing what must have been a thoroughly
unpalatable meal of antique wind instruments and wedding suits.
Eventually the Mayor himself, Fiorello LeGuardia appeared on my
grandfather's door stoop. It was election time and New York's favourite
son upheld the promise to himself made the day before to visit every
home in New York and present a cigar to anyone who undertook to
vote for him. My Nanna, having agreed to vote twelve times for the
Mayor, lay unconscious on the landing, her hair still smouldering,
belching out palls of black smoke with each shallow and fading breath.
Grandfather took the opportunity to bend the ear of the father of
the city and sat with the great man himself in their cheaply furnished
salon. Grandfather luxuriating on an orange crate, LeGuardia preferring
to lean on the vaulting horse near the chalk drawing of the body.
"Mr Coconut", spoke the voice that millions would recognise as having
a New York accent, "This great city of ours has two things which
our constitution says is immutable in terms of rights. First of
all and most importantly, second only to the next thing I'm going
to say - people in my town, be they black, Hispanic, green, mulatto,
red Indian, Italian, fags, Jews or whatever are free to offend whoever
they want, whenever they want, and whoever they want." My grandfather
puffed on his wet cheroot, blowing grey circles into the Priest's
Hole in the wall. The great man took a swig of the ancient coffee
that filled to brimming meniscus the gum boot he had been offered
when dragged in from the street. "Further more", he continued,
"I don't care what law they break - the smells of this city are
the smells of a mass o' humanity; a crush, if you will. A huge pineapple
goddamn crush!!!!". With that several of New York's finest
arrived and ushered the Mayor from the building and into the rear
of a quaint horse drawn police wagon. Within weeks he was re-elected
for a fourth term. One of the few ways available for my grandparents
to escape the suffocating stench of the neighbours was to take a
leisurely stroll a few miles up Broadway to catch a show. Jolson
was my Grandfather's favourite. He loved him in "Bomba", and "Sinbad".
He thought "Quick! My Legs Are Paralysed." was appalling but was
prepared to forgive such was his regard for the singer many called
"The World's Greatest Entertainer". Quite what the Jewish minstrel
singer had that appealed to a 75 year old Russian immigrant I did
not understand. "Jolie", as my Grandfather referred him, had a voice
so rich and resonant that when he sang at the Wintergarden you could
feel the vibrations through the wall at the back of the theatre.
These were the days before microphones. Rudy Vallee sang through
a loudhailer but Jolie sang au naturale. Grandpa would rise from
his seat two bars into "April Showers" and run to the rear of the
theatre and put his hands up on the red velveteen wallpaper. The
profoundly deaf could also enjoy Jolson in this manner. Swaying
away with their arms outstretched and their backs to the stage they
hummed tunelessly to Jolson's greatest hits. It was all the craze
during "Broadway Melanin of 1922". Aisle upon aisle of seats going
begging but the back wall completely booked out for months. You
couldn't get a hand-space for love or money. "Jolie sings like
a beautiful girl", my Grandpa would often say. And he did. Shrill
and demented, like a descending missile he captivated millions.
In later years, after he lost his lung in the war, his voice went
down a few octaves. Larry Parks was heard to comment 'Jeez that's
low - how the hell am I suppose to mime that?' Sound engineers at
Warner worked for weeks to raise the pitch of the voice so that
it matched Parks' lip-syncing. It's what made "The Jolson Story"
and it's sequel "Mighty Joe Young" the staggering successes they
were. A lot of people forget about the technical wizardry of those
early days. Spielberg and his dinosaurs had nothing on the old masters.
Aaaaaaaand another thingy from the same place:
SHAUN MICALLEF'S BIOGRAPHY
Shaun
Micallef is something of a Renaissance man. Bad teeth, appalling
personal hygiene, and a life expectancy of 33 are just three of
the qualities which make him so.
Born in
Lochiel, South Australia in 1963. Heavily involved in Adelaide University
Footlights during his time at Law School (and afterwards too):
Barrister Galactica (1981)
Have You Checked The Children? (1981)
Cheap Mucky Trash (1982)
My Favorite Zombie (1982)
Murder Most Naughty (1982)
Chariots Of Phlegm (1983)
Footlights Finest Hour Or Two (1984)
Subpoena Hard Days Night (1985)
Poodle Armageddon (1985)
Thirty Nine Steps, Two Escalators, And A Lift (1986)
Aristophones' The Frogs (1987)
Beckoning Gullet (1988)
Alan Bennet's Kafka's Dick (1988)
Wrote and performed in comedy productions of his own while working
as a solicitor: Not One But Two (1986)
As Time Goes Bicycling (1986)
Bishop Takes Knight (1989)
Charles Gemora: Gorilla Inpressionist! (1989)
The Love Goat (1990)
The Ages Of Man (1991)
Puttin' On The Kettle (1992)
Also
did a bit of radio and wrote advertising copy. Got tired
of being a solicitor in 1993 and came to Melbourne to write sketches
for Full Frontal and Jimeoin in 1994. Halfway through that year
he started appearing in both shows, tried his dead hand at stand-up
with Bob Franklin and Glenn Robbins, and acted as co-producer
for Full Frontal's second series. In 1995 he joined the Full Frontal
cast. During 1996 he will return to Full Frontal and co-write
for Artist Services the telemovie for a series he has created
about the life of fearless bareback rider Poodles Hannaford.
His involvement with Glynn Nicholas began in 1986 when both of
them were performing at the same comedy venue for the Adelaide
Festival. Shaun was appearing in one of his delightful undergraduate
romps and Glynn in a piece of crap called "The Yellow Tortoise
Show". Glynn was going to an obscure festival in Scotland that
year and invited Shaun to contribute material. Glynn accidentally
left the scripts in a bin on the way to the airport and so, unfortunately,
the material was never performed. However the two men became firm
friends, from then on or would have had it not been for the fact
they did not see each other for the next two years. In 1988
they again shared the same venue. This time Shaun was doing the
piece of crap, and Glynn his immensely successful "Glynn With
A Why". It was on the opening night of their respective shows
that Shaun made a gift to Glynn of a script which would one day
launch the staggeringly popular Pate Biscuit. Again Glynn mislaid
it in a bin on the way to the airport. In 1989 Glynn appeared
in the Big Gig and invited Shaun to contribute material (1989-91).
He also helped a bit on Glynn's stage show 'Crossing The Line"
(1992) and other things too numerous and obscure to mention. In
1994 Shaun and Glynn created a television show. It's name escapes
him for the moment. He has written plays for the Magpie Theatre
Company; Prince Of Numbskulls (1992), The Mystery Play (1993)
and adpated David Greason's book "I Was a Teenage Fascist" into
"Oops I'm A Nazi" (1996) for which he apologises profusely, particularly
to David. In 1988 he did the Micallef Program. The next year
he did The Micallef Programme. Two years later he did the Micallef
Pogram. Mr Micallef eschews more noble pursuits like missionary
work or working with the aged, choosing instead to devote his
life to building a monument to himself and creating around him
an environment of indulgence and frippery.
And more...THE INFORMATION IS MULTIPLYING
*laughs evilly, lightning flashes*
TEN
THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW... ABOUT SHAUN MICALLEF
Is
the daughter of Pru Goward.
Only
has one leg.
Studied
in France under Marcel Marceau (literally).
Doubled
for Cary Grant at his funeral.
Once
worked as a grave robber.
Enjoys
the work of Don Knotts.
Donated
a kidney (not his own) to a very surprised DonChipp.
Had
a number one hit record "Do The Bump" but lost it when he moved
house.
Is
a Nazi. Can
defy gravity.
And
guess what...I HAVE FOUND MORE BIOGRAPHICAL STUFF! I don't spend
hours on the net searching for Shaun-related goodies *innocently
whistles and deleats internet history on home computer* I
got this from Below message from the
official ABC welcher and welcher site and didn't get permission
for it either. I wonder if all my requesting emails didn't make
it or if they just ignored me...
A MESSAGE FROM SHAUN MICALLEF
Hello.
I'm Shaun Micallef - TV star. It's a great pleasure to be able
to speak to you from this electronic page. I enjoy embracing
new media. I remember years ago when video players were introduced,
I was one of the first in our street to go out and hire one. Those
were the days. Big BETAMAX tapes they were back then. I recall
still my parents hiding behind the couch as I wheeled it in on
one of those tall trolleys. Folks back then didn't understand.
Mum and Dad started hitting it with sticks and whooping at it.
I had to fend them off with a torch. Fire, video players, running
water - it scared the older generation in the early days. "It
will revolutionize the way we watch television", I screamed at
them as they flung grass and dirt at us both. My sister came
in the room and pointed out we didn't have a television. It was
a moot point. It was years before Dad got around to buying a TV
and when we did it was a five inch black and white that I had
to fire up by pedalling away on a bicycle. It was hard to watch
while I was dragging it off down the street like that. Mum and
Dad had to motorize the couch and drive after it, squinting. They
were very easy to out run - and often the couch would overturn
going around corners. It ran on two-stroke and the fuel would
spill out everywhere. Dad's cigar would invariably fall into a
puddle of the stuff and they'd wind up fricasseed beyond recognition.
The reception was appalling too. Eventually I had to glue the
antennae to the dog and get him to run after me. This entailed
smearing my legs in Chum. But it was worth it just to see classic
shows like The Hory Dagy Quartet Go Hawaiin' and Help! It's Emile
Stoat (my favourite current affairs program). Of course we never
did get to use the video player because BETAMAX proved extraordinarily
unpopular. We ended up using it to rewind our shoe-laces - not
that they ever needed it. I'm not sure what the web design
boffins have in mind in terms of presentation. No doubt there'll
be all manner of rotating pictures, and downloadable things, puzzles
and games and the like. It's amazing what they can do these days.
It's certainly worth syphoning millions of dollars out of programming.
- Shaun Micallef
*Is still in giggling stupor from above text* Hehehehehe! *A long
stick appears and pokes me* Mmm? What? Oh, yes, biography section.
Well, until Jolinar is finished writing up our own biography and
until I get enough information to write and publish a real one
(as soon as I've learnt how to write one), that's it for this
section. Have a look at the other sections. They're good too!
Fly
to the top!
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