The First Few Weeks

The First Few Weeks
Are Always The Hardest!
Even With A "Normal" Baby!

Those First Few Weeks

As with any other baby, the first few weeks are the hardest. I have had 4 children and that still doesn't make it any easier. Each baby is different and it takes a while to learn their set of cues and signals. If this is your first, it is especially difficult. You have twice as much to deal with. First time mom (which is a tough job to begin with) and first time cleft mom.

Just remember that you need your rest to gain back your strength. Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed. The first few weeks are the most confusing for any parent, cleft or not, whether it is the first or the third. The day after Wesley was born, our insurance company dropped him. That meant finding a new insurance company and a new doctor! But it worked out. Just take one day, and one problem at a time, remind yourself to relax, and you will see that each difficulty will resolve itself. Nothing is unsolvable!

Your Baby's Perspective

Your baby does not know that he is "different". All he knows is that those 2 large people offer him feelings of warmth, comfort and security. He knows that he wants these good feelings.

Holding and snuggling your baby provides him with the basic building blocks for psychological development. It also gives you the opportunity to begin creating a strong emotional bond with your child. A bond that is going to exsist for the rest of both your lives. Long after the cleft is repaired.

Your Perspective

Even though it is difficult at first, try to keep in mind that this is a correctable imperfection. It may take some time, but it will be repaired. Also it is reassuring to know that normally a cleft is an isolated birth imperfection. There are usually no other birth defects, and the intelligence of cleft babies is almost always normal or above average.

There are a few minor problems that we have to face more often than normal babies parents', but they are problems that all babies can have. The most common is the fact that babies with clefts usually have a higher rate of ear infections. Also, there are normally problems with teeth coming in late, crooked, or some not coming in at all. This is especially prevelant in babies with clefts of the palate or the alveolar ridge. But this too, is a minor, correctible problem.

Another problem that you might be facing is the reaction that you recieve from your friends and family. They are not trying to make things more difficult for you. They just may be having difficulty understanding the problem and its causes. A cleft usually looks much worse than it actually is, only because it is so noticable.

Try to involve them as much as possible in your baby's life. They can help with feedings and changes just like any other grandparent or aunt, ect... Besides you should not try to do everything yourself. Also, many hospitals and plastic surgeons often have an excellent selection of video and text resources that you can share with your family, to help them understand better. The resources might even offer you some info you haven't found yet.

Stages Of Grief

Every mother and father of a child who is born with a birth defect, goes through some form of grieving. It is perfectly normal. You are grieving for the loss of the perfect fantasy child that you thought you were going to have. It is necessary to grieve. The process is different for everyone and can take anywhere from a few minutes or hours to a few months.

As you grieve keep in mind that every mother feels grief at one time or another in their child's life. You are just feeling it earlier than most have too. We grieve because we love. If your baby did not matter to you, you wouldn't grieve. Grieving for that fantasy child is nothing to feel guilty about.

The Stages:
1)Denial - Denial is like anthetized reality.
You may feel that it is all just a dream, or that it will all just go away.
2)Anger - This can be very wide spread.
You could be angry at the doctor for not preparing you or detecting it.
You can be angry at your husband or yourself, trying to figure out which one of you "caused" it.
Or you might even be mad at your baby for not being born healthy and perfect.
3)Guilt - You will go over and over again all the things that you think you could have done to prevent this.
But the truth is that things often happen without reasons.
4)Shame - As this stage shows itself, you may become defensive.
Challenging anyone who dares to look at your baby in a funny way.
Or you may feel shame about the fact you can't completely accept your baby.
5)Resolution - One day it will happen for you, just as it has happened for all of us.
You will look at your baby and realize that you love him.
Not in spite of the defect, or aside from it.
You will just realize that you love him as is.

The First Steps

Be assured that those initial feelings of shock, concern and anxiety wear off as you begin the medical process and begin to understand the positive prognosis. I knew for almost 5 months that my son was going to be born with a cleft. But it was still a shock when I first saw him.

Your baby will be evaluated soon after his discharge from the hospital by a cleft palate team. This team will be recommended by your pediatrician. The process can be overwhelming, so arm yourself by reading as much as you can before your first appointment. This will help you understand what the plastic surgeon and others in the team are discussing with you.

In the meantime, take lots of pictures. This is still your baby and he is only going to be this little once. One day you will treasure those pictures. I had Wes's picture taken at the hospital, even though no one was thrilled to do it. His first born portrait hangs on the wall just as proudly as his sisters'. I also sent copies out with all the announcements, I think it helped everyone see that even though he was a little different, he was still a normal baby.

[Not Alone] [Site Map] [Wesley's Story] [Thoughts] [Before and After]
[Causes] [First Steps] [Feeding Tips] [Cleft Team]
[Surgeries] [Links] [Adoptions] [1st Birthday]
[Wesley's] [Home] [Lora's]
[ Sign] [ View]

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws