A Visit to Santa
"Improbably, it's like a worse version of "It's a Small World After all" - Bill.
    I was overjoyed when they announced that they were going to cover this short on the DvX player because I'd selected this one in last years. Mythical 13th MST3K Season article (it's on episode 1309). The films a side splitter all on it's own, a no budget, woodenly acted miracle and my expectations for the riffing were high as I eagerly opened this Christmas gift.
    Those expectations were more than met. This trio had such few opportunities to riff on shorts together on MST3K and it's a true delight to hear them tackle one of these on Rifftrax. Every detail is expertly riffed to perfection, from the cheesy sets (Narrator: "There it is!" - Kevin: "What, behind the painting?") to the hard to understand dialog spoken oddly (Gorsh?). I couldn't be happier with the work they did on this short.
    The stockings were filled with pants-less elves, daddy's logging accident and Dick! I laughed so hard my belly shook like the proverbial bowl full of jelly. A better investment for my buck I cannot find.

Oh and that poster is a hoot as well!

Act Your Age
"I'm not angry I'm having a seizure. Help me!" - Bill
    This was absolutely, positively one of the funniest things I have ever seen. It would rank right up there with the very best shorts seen on MST3K. I laughed loud and I laughed often. It was a good, healthy, cleansing laughter. Thank you Rifftrax for making my life bearable if only for 14 minutes and 2 seconds.
    It would seem that the star of our wee short, Jim, could have used a Rifftrax like this back in his day. Jim is a very dour, sad, expressionless lad who is sent to see his all too enthusiastic mustachioed Principal, after he is caught carving his initials into his school desk. The tree of this crime bears bitter fruit as Jim not only endures the scorn and ridicule of his grinning Principal but also has to put up with a belittling at the hands of the Janitor!
    The short is ripe for the picking. In some of the funniest scenes, it cleverly uses small children to illustrate "infantile" behavior from several students. There are also charts, ghostly visits and communists. The riffing sparkles from start to finish; it can get dark but boy is it a riot. Bill's line after Jim is told, "You know what to do about that desk" put tears in my eyes and left me gasping from laughing so hard. This Trax is a treasure I'd strongly recommend downloading it right now, this very second, don't delay... for the ever loving sake of mustaches everywhere, do it!

Lunchroom Manners
"...then again, we eat paste." - Bill
    This recent Trax endeavor of tackling shorts has been a dream come true, as they have been working on subjects I've always longed to hear riffed on. Lunchroom Manners is hilarious all on its own, I remember seeing this on a Pee Wee Herman special and laughing like a goon. The riffing adds an extra layer of frosted goodness to this delight. Mr. Bungle, a giant piece of cake and the ample amount of soap Phil uses were funny before, Mike, Kevin and Bill make them side splitting.
    While "Act Your Age" still holds the top ranking, Manners is no slouch, with quips that left me breathless - Lumpy milk, hangings and a guest appearance by Hayden Panatieri are sources of humor and after it was all through I was immediately left hungering for more.
    Will Legend ever consider collecting and releasing these shorts on a single disc? That would be sweet. "Manners", along with the Santa short were 2 I've always hoped the Brains would tackle, I'm glad the Traxers are doing them now and are doing them well. Next on my wish list - "One Got Fat" Ya gotta do it guys, it reeks of instant classic.

The Terrible Truth
"My dearest Angel, will you be the Nancy to my Sid?" - Bill
    Ahh shorts. Beloved all the world over; short riffing is the best riffing of them all. Except this one focuses on some difficult subject matter, Heroin addiction. And while they often take a simplistic approach, the filmmakers at times nail the truth right square on the head and that made for painful viewing.
    Still, I girded my loins and set firm in my resolve to focus on the humor... and the humor is good. It's not their most steady work but still frequently funny. Right off the bat Bill lets lose with a hilarious interpretation on the opening written introduction that was worth every one of those 99 pennies I spent on this Trax. From there we get a few cute slaps at the narrators manner of pronunciation. Mike brings Elvis into the equation and Kevin makes light of a bad "peddler" when he observes them dealing "Heroin be gone" by mistake.
    This is another winner and sharp-eared listeners will notice that the music from the MSTed "Ring of Terror" plays near the end.

Why Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast & Petaluma Chicken
"Ahh good, to restore sanity here's a giant spoon" - Kevin
Two short shorts are tackled this time out and unfortunately it's the weakest offering at this point. The films themselves are odd but don't provide enough variety to spark the creative juices. "Why Doesnt Cathy Eat Breakfast" is one I remember watching when I was in School and the title says it all, a narrator wonders aloud why a young girl doesn't eat in the morning. There's not much there to hang a solid riffing on. It ends abruptly and then were off to "Petaluma Chicken" a very old black and white, scratchy piece about a Chef making the world largest omelet. This short is ultra weird and features a slurring cook, jumping women and a giant spoon. It's difficult to follow and even more difficult to see and that actually distracted me a bit. The guys do their level best with each, and there are laughs to be had (More so on the 2nd short than the first), but it is generally a pretty flat entry in the riffworld.

Coffee House Rendezvous
"It's a strange kind of teen rebellion, behaving like Andy Williams" - Kevin
    This weeks short is set in the swinging 60s and concerns those hip, smokey, coffee houses known for beat poets and existentialists in berets...aaaand absolutely none of that is in evidence here. These coffee houses are attended by nicely groomed college students in sweaters who listen to badly harmonized and written folk music (Teenage Teen? GAH!). And the deepest philosophy they offer comes in the sage statement that people associate coffee houses with coffee. Hmm, I never thought of it quite like that.
    Our trio of riffers does a pretty solid job on this one and it is much steadier than the last offering. Folk music and football games are ripe targets as are the empty expressions of the audience. And Kevin's observation on the shape of a guy's head, was spot-on hilarious. The guys also have fun at each others expense ("Mike, is that you?" begins an obvious but funny gag). Strangely Wisconsin itself (where this short was filmed) gets by unscathed; and Racine seems so happening man.

Safety: Harm Hides At Home
"Keep your area with you at all times" - Kevin
    The superhero "Safety Woman" saves the day! This is another one of my dream shorts and the guys do an epic job with it. Off we go, right from the opening credits with killer cracks that set the tone. From there we are offered a Trax rife with witty reference material. From Ed Wood and the Lolipop Guild to Mary Kay Letourneau and Guernica! This humor is razor sharp, right up there with MST3Ks smartest efforts.
    But as good as it is at the start, it finishes with a breathless bang. Once Guardiana begins visiting children in peril the riffing hit uproarious peaks. Mike and Bill teasing Kevin was so hilarious I about dropped to the floor from laughing so hard -"I don't recall being a black child!"- Oh Lordie, this is the best Rifftrax ever IMHO. It's riffing the way I love it most. Smart, irreverent, topically on target... Perfect!

Are You Popular?
"It really is a long drive to wienie world" - Bill
    Do you look and act and sound like everyone else? Do you toe the line, fit the mold and always color inside the lines? If you answered "YES!" then you sir have all the makings for popularity! Man o man the conformity and elitist behavior extolled here really rankled me. God help that poor girl in this short, the one who's a little too friendly with the boys. Jezebel! I'm surprised the narrator didn't suggest sewing a scarlet letter to her sweater. So the short aggravated me, which made the quips all the more satisfying (ala, "Catching Trouble")
    The festivities include: Mike amping up the hypocrisy by having the narrator trying to hustle up a date and Kevin noticing a popular girls lack of ethnicity (is this the key to fitting in?) Of course it wouldn't be High School if there weren't at least one 40-year-old student. The bit with the scarf was cute and referencing the Yellow Kid was beautiful riff, true comedic art (The Yellow Kid was an old time comic strip about a bald kid who lived in the slums - definitely not like the popular kids in the short).
    Sadly, the whole entire thing makes me feel left out, why didn't we have wienie roasts back when I was a teen? Popular is a another tasty Rifftrax treat.

If Mirror's Could Speak
"We are born astride a grave" - Mike as Robbie
    Another great short opens with a young man named John who tells us about some students in his class. The students (seen in clown makeup) represents a type of personality each of us should avoid. Don't be an obnoxious fat kid, or a thieving little girl and don't be sad!
    Each of these clowns face a mirror that lectures them (its solution for depression, "Think good things!". This was very, very funny, the riffing directed at the sad Robbie were killer ("Why would one eat when one faces annihilation?" - Mike). Narrator John delights Bill, I also liked the quips directed towards the mobster-like kid. And when the clown girl has a dreamy flashback to an incident at the lunchroom, I was in stitches.
    Oh and look for a special appearance by Kevin Murphy! Great fun.

One Got Fat
"I case any of you kids thought being happy was a good thing. Choke on this!" - Kevin
    I begged for this short; on my web site, on message boards and thankfully, rifftrax delivers! This is a weird, evil piece about bicycle safety and it features kids in horrifying ape masks who are knocked off one by one as they ride off to the park.
    The riffing isn't the best they've ever done, but it's still very good and it's well worth having this little slice of darkness in my clutches. The source material provided much: From the lack of eyes to lip paralysis and Slims huge sack! Of course poo flinging is present; but my favorite funny bit came during the sequence with the angry girl (and the struck people who are flung into trees). Though I had hoped for more during the Steamroller death and the weird bulging eyes, I was happy with this trax in total.

Eat Our Shorts: Part 1

Mike, Bill and Kevin are sharply defined comedic instruments and they never ring as true as they do when they are riffing on shorts. 2008 was the summer of shorts, I don't know if that's as good as the summer of love but I certainly enjoyed it. The first slice of sunshine came from Drugs are Like That. And what a way to open with a bang!

The story involves a couple of kids with short attention spans who discuss what drugs are like (Dumb babies for example) while they play with Lego's. The success of the piece hinges on 2 jokes. Teasing the kids who can't seem to pay attention and heckling a narrator who offers simplistic examples of what it's like to be an addict. I found this to be a clever short (Kevin's quick mention of Methadone was unflinchingly sharp and his, "Ha Ha funny or Dane Cook funny?" riff was genius) and would rank it among the best.

The follow up Down and Out isn't as successful. The film itself is a snort as the clumsiest man in the world goes out of way to find any and all obstacles to trip over. After a while watching this ersatz Chevy Chase fall down got tiresome and the knockout jokes were delivered sporadically. Good for a smile and chuckle but little else.

The laughs pick up with Patriotism as creepy Bob Crane narrates and he of course makes for an easy target -"Yes I'm Bob Crane lecturing on how to be a good person" - Mike. More fun was had in the scorn heaped on a kid named Ronnie and discovering that 'looking' was very patriotic. An even better treat was Skipper Learns A Lesson. It's all about a racist dog who's into poster paint. This one was topper most for its observational slams -"Pete's favorite TV show was the test pattern" - Kevin, as well as some great pop culture references (Stephen King's "It" and a take off on Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law")

Closing out my shorts mini-thon was How To Buy Food and Right or Wrong? Food is a doozy and it's all about, uh, buying food. I didn't realize how complicated grocery shopping could be, but for certain guys it's like rocket science - "Henry will pay for and eat any unidentified lump that's set in front of him" - Bill. This is very instructional on all phases - "Remember always to wear a suit on bean eating night" - Kevin, and there are some great references (Bruce McCullough from "Kids in the Hall"). "Right or Wrong" is about a rubbery-faced kid named Harry who gets caught after his gang of toughs breaks a window. The film shows a series of people who have to make a decision about how to deal with Harry and asks the audience to discuss what is "right or wrong". It's generally pretty funny in the way it gives voice to the various characters. I loved Mikes quip as boy and the Church guy walk through the glass of the broken window - "Hear that Harry? That's your innocence crunching beneath our boots"

The first part of this summer of shorts has been a triumph. My favorites are Drugs Are Like That, Skipper Learns A Lesson and How To Buy Food with only Down and Out not measuring up to the rest. I can't wait for the second helping, as this was great stuff. And always remember "Rifftrax is like drugs" - Bill Eat Our Shorts: Part 2

The second half of my mini-thon was even better. I began with The Trouble With Women, in which a creepy misogynist -who looks and acts like he's never had a date- bitches and moans about the female employees he has to supervise. With their aluminum bras and panties, the tampons in the cigarette machine, not to mention their damned fallopian tubes. It's no wonder this guy is angry! This 'trax is non-stop bitter and biting and I loved every moment of it.

After work we go home and have to deal with the damned neighbors. In It Must Be the Neighbors we are a shown a suburban nightmare, where homes are infested with rats and disease carrying mosquitoes. It has to be someone's fault and that's when the accusations fly and tempers flair and a roving gang of kids hunt out the offenders. In the end everyone rallies and cleans up the neighborhood. But not before Mike and company make fun of the haircuts and squinty eyes and Pete, who can't say wienie-roast without laughing.

The hurt and humiliation doesn't end there. Next we turn on the children. Each Child is Different was a deliciously dark rifftrax, the poor miserable kids in this short are sad enough, the quips only add to their misery and my happiness. This was a great, great trax, one of my favorites from the entire run. Ruth and her beans were the highlight of the film. I must love ultra sad and pathetic kids because Robby from the Mirror's short provided huge laughs as well.

After leaving this classroom of sorrow, the guys tackle Kitty Cleans Up and while there are few dry spots, overall this is another winner. The best bits came with the angry kitty voices. Holy crap that cat was a riot as we see how its cleaning parallel's that of a child. The cat is off to a pet show at school and while very basic Kitty was 10 minutes of bliss.

Unfortunately the summer of shorts ends with a lesser effort. Why Vandalism? is about 3 bored teens who trash their school (and kill a bunny -sob-). Reminiscent of I Accuse My Parents and The Violent Years, the riffing never reaches the highs of those 2 MST experiments. There are good jokes -"What would Jesus vandalize?" - Mike. but for the most part it's pretty sparse.

In short, I happily gobbled up every short they set on my plate this summer. With a few exceptions each was a ray of light in my day, even when the subject matter was dark. This was a heaping spoonful of fun and I hope "Eat Our Shorts" becomes an annual event.

Aqua Frolics
"We call them...Rays that are capable of stinging!" - Bill
    I was visiting the Rifftrax site when I discovered a new short. There was no coming soon emblazoned across the advert, no email announcing its arrival. It simply appeared, as if it were a gift from the Gods, Yay! Aqua Frolic's isn't the best work they've done on a short, but it still made enough of a splash to be entertaining. The film itself is a close cousin to MST3Ks "Aquatic Wizards", with much water logged antics to riff on. There are headaches and insanity and an odd Thanksgiving meal
    The jokes are dark and teasing, our trio have fun with the voice over (the guys have always been masters at dunking narrators and this is no different). The short is short, a mere 6:40 and it ends abruptly. Mike gives a quick, "Uh, Hey!" and it's over.

Good Health Practices
Boys in underpants dragging a log, yup that about sums it up Mike. Like most of these health-based shorts, we see lots of washing and scrubbing, but what sets this one apart from the others is the section on good toilet practices. I think it's a good idea to practice your toilet before setting out in earnest, but uh, anyway - the riffing here is low brow but hilarious. Bill's killer quip about the chocolate speedway is so wrong and yet so right. "Practices" is another top notch effort.

Good Eating Habits
Come on and Chew!! Going from practicing a good toilet, the gang at Rifftrax now aids us in good eating. And boy, does that narrator let this gobbling little goon have it. The moral of the story is this: Eat fast and you'll get an upset stomach, while eating slowly will produce a constant 'Joker-like' grin on your visage!
    The short starts off very funny with Kevin and Bill noticing that father's mistress and Charles Durning are present at the breakfast table, and of course there's plenty of healthy bacon. The short is even better down the stretch when little Billy (the shorts protagonist, not the riffer) discovers that, "My God Juice is fun!" - Kevin. The short itself is in terrible shape (that little squiggle on the left side of the screen was distracting) but the quips are quality.

Know For Sure
"Man, you sleep with ONE monkey and you pay for it your entire life!" - Kevin
    Directed by Lewis Milestone, who won the best director Oscar in the first Academy Award ceremony, and featuring cameos by Ward Bond (seen in many a John Wayne film) Tim Holt and J. Carroll Naish (The villain in the 1st Batman serial), "Know For Sure" is a look at the dangers of Syphilis, which include death and sores, uh, down there (Originally this short featured images of the sores as well as a section on how to put on a condom).
    I enjoyed many a hearty laugh, despite a sad death early on (punctuated by an accordion sound). From the stereotypical Italian man to the patients at the doctor's office, the work is goofy and punch line driven (Kevin's blind lunatic quip earned a huge guffaw and I liked the Spider-Man reference). Not their greatest work, and I was surprised that they didn't make a comment on Bond's appearance, but still very funny.

Christmas Toyshop
    Rifftrax Christmas gift for 2008 is a surreal, strange ride. One part live action (complete with clumsy father and disinterested Santa), the other part is animated nightmare fuel concerning a machinegun-toting spider in a hat (I'm curious who the animator was, Castle films was buying a lot of animation from folks like Ub Iwerks (such as his "Balloon Land/Pincushion Man" short seen in MST3K Merlin's Shop)
    The short itself is a gas, the riffing not so much. In fact apart from a few funny bits (3 piece pajamas, and some innuendo concerning a tree) this is arguably the worst work on a short the trio have ever done. A bummer to end the year this way.