14 - Spanish

Primarily, your Spanish will only improve if you’re not scared of making a tit out of yourself. If you’re not completely sure of a word, have a go anyway. The worst that can happen is you’ll get a funny look. As the great Bill Shankly once said: “If you don’t buy a ticket, you can’t win the raffle”. What you have to realise is that although you are probably terrified about your Spanish, it gets easier. The first couple of weeks are hard, but your Spanish will improve so fast that you’re going to be fluent in conversations after a while. The main difference between Spaniard Spanish and South American Spanish is that before a verb, they often put the subject pronoun. For example, if I wanted to say “I have the AIDS”, I’d say “Yo tengo el SIDA” not just “Tengo el SIDA”. I haven’t really by the way. 

I know you probably speak much better Spanish than me, but here’s a little list of words and phrases you might need. If you’re fucking thick:

General

Hola hello

Buenos días good morning

Buenos tardes good afternoon

Buenos noches good evening

Chao Goodbye (not Adios)

¿Cómo estas? How are you?

¿Qué fue? What’s up? (The American version, not “What’s the matter”, saying “¿Que fueeeeeeeee?” doesn’t make you sound like the fella off the Budweiser advert though.)

¿Donde esta…? Where is…?

Por favor Please

Gracias Thanks

Lo siento Sorry

Perdón Pardon?

Permiso Excuse me

¿Que? What?

¿Cual? Which?

¿Cuando? When?

¿Como? How?

¿Donde? Where?

¿Quien? Who?

¿Como te llamas? What is your name?

Me llamo Gaylord My name is Gaylord

¿Que paso? What happened?

¿Tienes la hora por favor? Do you have the time please?

¿Que mas?  Just when you have awkward conversation silences, say this, Ecuadorians do

At the market

¿Cuánto cuesta? How much is it?

No, en serio, ¿Cuánto cuesta? No seriously, how much is it?

Es muy caro It’s very expensive

Mi amigo compro uno de estés para $2 My friend bought one of these for $2

¿En serio? Pero es un trozo de mierda. Seriously? But it’s a piece of shit.

Tengo solo cinco Dolores I’ve only got $5.

Me gusta tu hijo; es guapísimo… I like your son; he’s very good looking…

No, por favor, no llama la policía No, please, don’t call the police

At a restaurant/ bar

¿Tienes una lista por favor? Do you have a menu please?

¿Es vegetariano? Is it vegetarian?

La cuenta por favor The bill please

¿Que sabor es? What flavour is it?

¿Tienes lo mismo, pero mas grande/ pequeño? Do you have the same, but bigger/ smaller?

Con hielo, sin hielo With ice, without ice

¿Tienes algo que no tiene el sabor de mierda? Do you have anything that doesn’t taste of shit?

Insults (take care with these, Ecuadorians will often take them to heart)

¿Donde esta tu baño? Necesito vomitar cuando miro tu hermana. Where is your toilet? I need to throw up when I look at your sister.

Tu madre tiene un pene. Your mother has a knob

¿Cuantas más putas feas hay en tu familia? How many more ugly prostitutes are there in your family?

¿Puedo cagar en la cabeza de tu abuela, por favor? Can I shit on your Nan’s head please?

Maricon Queer

Puta Whore

Largarte. Fuck off

Chucha (not Concha like it is in Spain). Cunt (not to be mistaken for trucha, which means trout)

Mierda. Shit

Cagar. To shit

¿Cual es tu equipo de fútbol favorito? ¿En serio? ¿Por qué? Which footy team do you support? Really? Why?

Lo siento, pero tengo que decir que eres el maricon más grande del mundo. I’m sorry, but I have to say that you are the biggest poofter in the world.

Chucha madre/Puta madre Mother fucker

Tu madre es Peter Beardsley. Your mother is Peter Beardsley.

Quiero dormir con tu perro. I want to sleep with your dog.

¿Tu culo funciona? Does your arse work?

Hijo de puta- son of a bitch

Mamón Wanker

Mamas Tits