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Living It By
James Garrison For years I was caught up in the mad rush to get from one ritual to another during the sabbats. It was what one did. We knew we were Pagans because we spent so much of our time running around from one ritual to another group to some event or whatever. A lot of other people did the same thing. From what little I've seen in other parts of the country, this is pretty standard operating procedure for a good many Modern Day Pagan Folk. To say that this all got old for me is an understatement. I pulled back from going to so many rituals and started concentrating on what my family did at home. Funny thing happened. More and more people wanted to come over to our house for the sabbats or the parties or whatever. The more we focused on doing our stuff, the more people wanted to join in. That was fine, as far as it went...but it still left a lot to be desired as far as building any sort of viable community. Yeah, I was caught up in the second or third most popular Pagan pass-time; community-building. It gets expensive both financially and emotionally. Eventually I found my life increasingly held hostage to other people's needs and demands. Community-building is tough. Demanding. Difficult. There came a point where I needed to take some time off, get away, take a magickal retirement and reconnect with all the things I was losing touch with. Instead of performing rituals for a crowd or attending other folks' rituals, I got back into doing the little things on my own again. After a year away it was good to begin again with the basics. I found myself experiencing things in a whole new way, from a different perspective. I got back to living it again, on my own terms. It's easy to get lost, caught up in the whirlwind of activity that surrounds any community or social group. It's easy to lose sight of the Wheel of the Year as an integral experience of what is moving through your life Now, and get so busy with mythology and props and politics and all that dross that you don't notice that you're not enjoying things anymore. The ecstasy drains away and you're left with a nagging sense of dissatisfaction, depression and worse. It's all too easy for bright, young urban professionals and the like to get caught up in the vicious merry-go-round that serves as an accessible, attainable pseudo-community. It's a social placebo for those who want what they are not willing to build for real. A fantasy role-playing milieu inhabited by many little emperors and empresses who aren't actually wearing the new clothes that they tell each other that they're wearing or going to wear. I've never seen so many people striving so hard to show off how powerful, gifted, psychic, or creative they are and yet have such a deep rooted profoundly disempowering victim mentality collectively. It's a sad sight to see a Nature-deprived Pagan...and sadder still to be that Nature-deprived Pagan. I'm not interested in beating the dead horse that is Pagan apathy. Having seen the man behind the curtain, I'd just as soon get on with life, personally. I don't accept what appear to be the basic social conventions of modern Paganism. I'm not inclined to spend my time cultivating a mutual wish-fulfillment through passive therapy circle, nor am I interested in wasting my time trying desperately to re-build what never was in the first place. Screw the polite little lies that people use to embellish their lives in lieu of anything significant or factual. We're Here, Now and it's not a bad place. We have as much power as we're willing to work with and the biggest, scariest obstacle to realizing our dreams is the realization that we really are capable and responsible for making the most of our own lives. The warm, fuzzy couch of mediocrity just doesn't appeal to me. Thanks to illness, and a few other such influences, I've had plenty of time to think about such things. I've had everything I once knew and accepted and was comfortable with removed or taken away from me, or else I left it. Taking that Fool's flying leap into the Abyss. Again. Only this time with all the implacable determination of a juggernaut. One giant leap followed by many small steps. I started out weeding through all my notes, journals, etc. and weeded out the crap and looked for things that mattered to me, that spoke to more than just my personal needs, fixations, etc. I went to the roots of what I did, thought, practiced, etc. I found myself asking some questions that got me to thinking along lines that have taken me far away from where I once was. At first I thought that I had changed, transformed, but that's not really true. If anything, I only became more myself. Circumstances, situations and opportunities have all come, gone, changed and come again. Life is diffferent these days. I spend a lot more time living it, and a lot less time performing or observing. That just seems more appropriate for an experiential, initiatic path. It's all in how you live, not how well you dressed last Yule or how splendid a party you threw last Beltane. I've found that I much prefer to live as a Pagan rather than spend so much time and effort trying to convince myself I was one or to try to fit in with the Wiccan Party Posse. I've gone back to simpler, direct and more personal ways of relating to the universe. That works for me. For now. Eventually I'll get back to doing the larger rituals and all that stuff. It's fun. It has it's place. I just needed a chance to sort things out for me is all. There's no sense in doing rituals that don't move you on some level, that don't resonate or evoke a response from deep down. If you're going to court change, be prepared to make changes and to go through changes. Stagnation is ugly and ultimately futile, as well as painful. Just some thoughts as I sit here on Samhain, listening for the silence and waiting for the Ancestors. Smiling. It's a good life. Blessed Be. |
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