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| <> Wednesday November 24th 2004 <> "You are the wind beneath my anus." And it's almost Thanksgiving. So, screw you! Don't play it safe, play it with vigor and recklessness! If there's freshly fallen snow or ice on the ground, drive fast and make quick-snap decision stops and starts! If there's a family member pissing you off at dinner, don't be afraid to grab that bottle of wine or hooch, chug it down and smash it on their head! Be insane and when you get the gravy bowl passed to you, start drinking it right from the bowl! Don't be afraid to complain about the turkey if its stringy or that you hate yams! Don't be afraid to kick in the TV during the football games if a person is cheering against your favorite football team or for its biggest rival. Don't be safe, don't be grateful for anything! If you're angry at dinner, get your arms and hand under it and flip over the table! Or swing your arm around while saying "fuck my god damn fucking shithead boss and his stupid fucking bullshit!" to knock over all of the wine & juice glasses on the table. And if you're playing with family members in the backyard with a game of touch-football, don't be afraid to punch people in the gut or body-check face-first on your grandmother or girlfriend! Yeah! Get mad! Curse! Show some spirit! Push family members around! Get into bare-knuckle boxing fights with your cousins! Don't resist the urge to stab your little brother in the arm with the carving knife! After eating most of the food, induce vomiting and do it all over the living room couch or in the bedroom on the mattress, then drink all the beer and hard booze you can find, then get in your car and start throwing rocks at people and their houses! Go around town, drinkin' and drivin' and then piss on people's lawns and trash their Xmas decorations! Return back home (assuming the police aren't there) and proceed to kicking in windows; tipping over clocks and chairs; and the soaking of electronics in the bathtub full of water. And if you ever, ever, EVER have a safe Thanksgiving, I will track you down and punch you in the neck! (haha just kidding...about the yams part.) |
| got comments? questions? problems? complaints? Air it out here! |
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| Untitled Daily Column Project |
| <> Monday November 1st 2004 <> "Bark barf !" Some of these are real...some of these aren't. My administration wants to win and rule over all! Still not going to tell. ;) Part 5 Television Television will now allow the use of profanities "damn, hell, fart and ass" between 5am to 4pm. The use other profanities of "hell, damn, fart, asshole, son of a bitch, shit, bastard, piss, tit, cunt, dick, cock pussy, fuck, god damn, bullshit, penis head, crotch rot, clit", from 4pm to 5am, and the use of the middle finger and hard-core full nudity from 9pm to 5am). Radio will have no regulation limits on what�s tasteful. The following shows are forever banned from being broadcast: Full House, 'Yes, Dear', American Idol, Golden Girls, Jerry Springer, Maury, Just Shoot Me, King of Queens, The Nanny (numerous shows pending) Religion / Gov't Policies The strong separation of Church and State. Churches will now be forced to pay taxes just like any other business and no church or religious organization should be funded by public tax dollars. Murderers who confess to killings will be promptly executed in 3 days; trial injunctions barred. This administration supports withdrawing troops from the war. Strong business tax punishments for companies who move jobs over seas. There will be no national health care plan. end of Part 5. |
| <> Tuesday November 2nd 2004 <> "I'm-a spitting on my land, $20 dollars in my hand..." Part 6 of the truth or fake administration policies: Highway / Traffic laws Raising of all speed limits by 15 mph. National highway speed limit will be 85mph. The ban of cell phone use in any motor vehicle. You can try to tempt the law..but the State Trooper will now be allowed to give 3 warning shots before blowing out your tires. The elimination of cross walk signs. They don't work. People are standing around, when there's absolutely no traffic coming, and yet, they get a "walk" sign to cross when the parallel traffic is going to turn right. I mean, where's the logic?? And you KNOW some uptight bitch housewives (particularly women) are going to say it's such a stupid thing to get rid of cross walk signs, when they're out moseying along with their 10 shopping bags; taking their fucking sweet-ass time... and you KNOW some of them are going to push their kids or strollers into traffic just to prove me wrong. Oh, and the rule of thumb is: Machine has right over Man. No more of this fucking "pedestrians have the right of way" shit. You can try to cross that street..but think you're tougher than an automobile? You want to try your luck, shithead? Go for it. And how do you think the Brooklyn (Los Angeles) Dodgers got its name? People dodging trolleys. "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." End of Part 6. Top 5 Favorite Halloween Candy It's been 13 Halloweens since I last trick or treated, and while Halloween is pretty much dead to me (I don't dress up; I don't give out candy; I don't do anything for it).... there's still the candy I miss getting. 5. Milk Duds. Never a dud to me. I always enjoyed sucking the chocolate off and the chewy chocolate center. I liked these better than the Sugar Daddy, 'cause those were always hard, sticky and that stupid stick always got in the way. 4. Milky Way / 3 Musketeers. It's basically the same thing....chocolate, nougat....and with/without caramel (carmel!). And the Halloween candy is always super fresh, super soft and it melts in your mouth right away. Mmmmmm. 3. Kit Kats. There was always something about this bizarre candy that comes in a bright red package. It's great milk chocolate and that cookie crunch. Tho I could never break them off into 4 pieces, I just ate those motherfuckers in pairs. 2. Gum. Mmmm! There was nothing like getting this big pink glaboo of gum. It was so sugary, so big.....so pink! Tho the flavor was gone after like 6 minutes, it was always a challenge to see how many pieces I could end up chewing at once. The record is I think 6. 1. Sweet tarts! Oh I loved getting these....they came in flat paper packages, with two huge pills in different flavors. My mouth starts watering just thinking about it. And people always gave you a handful of that shit. And it didn't matter if you left it sitting out..it wouldn't get stale or sticky. Mmmm powdered sugar....Pixie Stix's solid-mattered cousin. |
| <> Wednesday November 3rd 2004 <> "downtown....dah blah dah blah bloobie....downtown...." I must say, I'm not adjusting to the Daylight Savings time very well. Well, that's all I have to say on that. -o- C: Oh man am I starving! M: What you got, there? **raises a disapproving eyebrow** C: A deluxe cheeseburger with onion petals and Wisconsin Cheese soup. M: Eh, whatever. I already ate. **sneers then looks around** C: **prepares the napkin and spoon layout** M: **rethinks.....tears off a little corner of the burger** M: **then proceeds to shove the whole burger in his mouth** C: Hey! M: **quickly pours the soup into a glass & drinks it** **raises his fist and smashes the onion petals.** I never much cared for you, onion petals. C: Sonavabitch! M: **burp** Stupid boss! Giving me stupid crap work and making me face stupid reality again! **sigh** I'll be in the coffee break room. **walks out of the room** C: Hmph! END |
| <> Thursday November 4th 2004 <> "Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent." "Tired of Pooping" By Dolph Rudager Getting' tired of pooping all the time, getting' tired of peeing all the time. Getting tired of being hungry, trying to find something that I really want to eat, then counting calories, cholesterol, fat, sodium, etc. In all honesty, rarely does my meal / snack actually... sigh...the tired cliche: "hit the spot". Well I dream of a society where we eat nothing but pills. With all of the taste, nutrients and fullness of real food. The pills would foam up in the stomach, then eventually dissolve and there would be no waste. And the joys of burping your meal would still be there. Cheese....now in pill form. Pizza.....minus all the grease....in pill form. Vegetables....now in pill form. Soylent Green (tho it's still being made with people) now in pill form. I suppose for a treat, we could eat astronaut food (I remember eating some astronaut ice cream that was like cotton that was pretty good) or have the occasional cup of coffee or beer. You ever stop and think how much water we're wasting by drinking it, peeing it and flushing it? Or all the waste that goes to packaging food?? I, tho, still have trouble swallowing my daily vitamin.... sometimes it takes a few deep breaths and a couple more shots of orange juice to get it down. Of course, with a society now fed on pills..you know there will be people trying to snort it or inject it or something. And I'm sure it'll lead to a huge rise of pill-choking related deaths. Oh well. I say if you're too stupid to know how to swallow a pill, then you deserve to die. Tho somehow I think the whole Food, Water and Toilet Paper Industry would be hounding for my head. Can't these fuckers acknowledge progress when they see it?? |
| <> Friday November 5th 2004 <> **chair collapses** "boy, you're sure a lot of woman." *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* Now I know why I chose baseball over basketball Bulls came back from being down by 27 against the talent-striped New Jersey (soon to be Brooklyn next year) Nets, went ahead by 1, then thanks to an Andres Nocioni (who's from Argentina) missed his second FT right before the end of the 4th quarter, prevented the Bulls from taking a 3 pt lead with 4 seconds left. The Nets then hit a crucial 2 pointer that tied the game (the Nets shooter's foot was right on the 3 point arch line but they bitched and thought it was a 3 pter) and then after two OT's, the Nets win it, only because the stupid ref's MISSED that Kirk Hinrich's (pronounced hine-rick) shot actually hit the rim before the shot clock expired. The Bulls had rebounded, but thanks to the refs missing the call, the Nets got the ball. Ugh. Bad break for the Bulls, and with 5 minute OT's....every possession is so damn important. The game was tied as this point.... but instead of the Bulls having a chance to score more points, the Nets got the ball and eventually scored on some possession. It was more of the Bulls having the chance to get a lead / put it away but they just couldn't do it. If it's a tie game, and both teams are tired as hell, it's a huge momentum to have the ball. But, like the Bulls of my adult years..... They just can not score in the paint.. and take way too many impossible outside shots (especially beyond the arch) while shooting on one foot. But, it's finally basketball season here in the Windy City....the Bulls were the last team scheduled to start this year....it took a while....but the excitement of watching plays form....the fast-break drive in the lane to the hoop.... the defensive rebounding with the fast break passes to score a quick easy 2.... the offensive rebound and pass.... during the offense.. the devilish formation of the offensive screen. .the clutch, agony & glory that is the free throw line shooting that makes the difference in a game.... and of course, the spectacular swish of a 3 point shot in its like-St Lous Gateway Arch right into the round rim. But yeah, 30 wins for the Bulls would be generous. Hello last place. "Hmm? 2 minutes left in the basketball game? Alright, I'm going to go drop off our mail at the post office, go to the store, pick up some chicken strips at a fast food place, come home....eat them....take a nap and then wake up to watch the end of the game." |
| <> Saturday November 6th 2004 <> "Fred Garvin: Male Prostitute." TV commercial: Outside on a hot July sunny day on the football field..... athlete Tom: **talks to camera** "Ah yes, there's nothing more refreshing than ultra-sweet and tart Ho-Shunned Spray 100% Juice! It's nippy cranberry and apple juice really fills me up and refreshes me during a long, hot workout!" **sweating profusely; runs along, stops and chugs some more from bottle** athlete Tom: "Yeah! Really hits the sweet spot! And it's full of vitamins!!" **runs more fast-paced laps** **hunches down, falls to knees and pukes** athlete Tom: "OH GOD my stomach hurts!!! **PUKE** **SPEW** Oh god there goes my breakfast and lunch!!! **heaves** It feels like my insides are sucking itself dry!!!" **PUUUUKE** Voice over: "Ho-Shunned Spray 100% Juice...not recommended for consumption of replenishing hydration during outdoor activity." athlete Tom: **in the blurred distance** "Cough cough gag!!" END |
| <> Sunday November 7th 2004 <> "Wow..he killed a thousand ducks!" *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* Part II. Alright, poopheads. You're 3-5 now. 3 and 5! You're treading the very fine line between a mediocre draft pick and a good draft pick. You're still too crappy to make the playoffs....yet still too good to secure the lock on a Top 5 draft pick. You decide. I say take a dive and lose, lose LOSE, baby. I initially picked the Bears to win, only to react to my "gut" to change it to a Giants win / cover because the stupid local media news said "the Bears have sooooo many key players out for this game blah blah Nancy has fart breath, blah blah blah" and I thought a 9 1/2 point favorite was a pretty good indication of a sure win, it being the highest of the week. But, that info, of course, like left-handed drinking mugs, is useless to me. Tonight was the Simpsons Halloween Special XIV. Usually the Halloween ones are exceptionally hilarious, but this one was just god-awful. There was the Flanders foreseeing the death of people; the Opium Bar murder mystery, and the Mr. Burns body travelling....thing. I saw a real lack of ....well, everything in this episode. The Flanders thing was more like "stuff happened, Ned screamed". The mystery thing .. which ended up in an Opium Bar. "Opium smoking by Ralph? That was more appalling than funny." I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Everyone looked so strung out and awful....it was very depressing to watch on the Simpsons. And by the time the Mr. Burns story came on, I had tuned out with disappointment. Here's my initial reaction: "but man... if you're not going to write a decent script for the show.. don't do it at all. I'd rather wait 3 years if it meant putting out the next great episode." The writers ought to be ashamed for slapping such a piece of shit episode together. |
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| <> Monday November 8th 2004 <> You don't win friends with salad!
Well I felt like I had done a great service. I left a long, accurate post about the horrible show of "Yes, Dear" to their fan forum. After writing this, I felt like I did the world a great service.... like I really contributed to something. And it's a great feeling....it really is. But the main question is, "Why in the hell do you watch "Yes,Dear" when it's so god damn unbearably awful?" That's a good question, counselor. While these shows are a horrible waste of film and time, they teach us....the viewing public.....something. Something called "perspective." Back in the day, when all of the TV I watched consisted of the Simpsons, Home Improvement, Married with Children and Seinfeld. All great shows, of course. But after only watching those shows, I got really sick of them, and they seemed very average / boring to me. But when watching garbage shows like "Yes,Dear" and "King of Queens", and seeing how awful the script , acting and characters are..it gives the expensed viewer a new-found appreciation of the better shows. Sometimes you have to suffer with tv-torture to earn your laughs. Now, without further ado, is the general & vulgar version of the review I sent. Ta. "Wow. I've been watching (roughly) two episodes of Yes,Dear in syndication a day to catch up, and I can't believe how horrible this show is. I mean, every show it's about smug little bitch-Greg bickering with lazy fat-head Jimmy and his rotten, illiterate, poorly misbehaved and undisciplined kids living in his guest house; Greg & Kim's fucking little Sammy this, fucking little Sammy that, Christine (Jimmy's wife) is a fat pig who does nothing but sit on her fat ass all day scarfing down highly saturated fat foods and has no business being in the same room with living human beings, let alone having kids. Kim is an annoying perky know-it-all-know-nothing brown-nosing psycho bitch (smashing the windows in the interior designer's truck) and she wears the penis in the family, but who's annoying motherly acts would make anyone who doesn't have kids vomit. Greg is a total rip-off of Niles Crane from "Frasier", and the only good thing about this show is Brian Doyle-Murray. Plus there's way too many B-list celebrities pandering on this show (ex-Poison member; ex hockey, football & baseball players; L.A. Lakers associates; Country Music-hick stars, and why Kevin Smith appeared on this show, I'll never know) And I haven't even begun to describe the excruciating pain felt while watching this show. This show doesn't produce even a chuckle from me whatsoever. How Mike O'Malley got involved in this train wreck pile of pig shit is beyond me. This is the worst CBS sitcom I've seen since "King of Queens" (whose only good points are Jerry Stiller). "Yes, Dear" = "TV Torture" no doubt. Horrible, horrible unbearable show. A stupid yuppie show for stupid young yuppie couples." |
| <> Tuesday November 9th 2004 <> "If a cow had the chance, he'd kill you too." Well the National League Cy Young award has been handed out, and it's Roger Clemens of the Astros..and it wasn't even close. Clemens only went 18-4, ERA 2.98, pitched 214 innings, 218 strikeouts and only gave up 15 HR's (split / hitters park) on a highly competitive Houston Astros team that wouldn't have made the playoffs without him in anyway, and he was a dominate pitcher. Then there's Camp B.... the Randy Johnson crew. Randy pitched for a horseshit team that lost a worst 111 games, and absolutely no game meant anything towards the standings. He ended up 16-14, ERA 2.60, pitched 245 innings, 290 strikeouts and gave up 18 HR's (split / neutral park) and had to pitch in no pressure. Let me ask you....what's more important....strikeouts....a slightly lower ERA, innings pitched or overall winning/losing record? The old school fan in me says "fuck your WHIP and your other 8 million mathematical stats. Best or near-best stats with an outstanding record on a better team is worth more than playing on a total absolute loser." They say if Randy's team would had been better, therefore his stats would have been better. Well DUH! Any pitcher who goes to a better team is going to have a better record! Randy may had "pitched better", but Clemens got the results when it was needed and when it counted. Now personally, I'm losing no sleep over the results of this award, but apparently the nerds are screaming once again. I tried to give these people some perspective, but they just won'tlisten: "I can't believe how many mathematical stats there are these days. Chalk me up as an old-school fan who doesn't care about crap like "WHIP" and every other mathematical equation there is to prove some magical number. Clemens did the job in a competitive environment and he got it done. I'm tired of playing these "What if the Diamondbacks were competitive / the Astros weren't / were / both were even / both were near even run-support-wise" statistical games." Then some more annoying posts followed.... and then I finally said..... "You know, who really gives a damn? Nerds will use math to take the fun out of any sport or any significance of any award. You can argue any baseball award that was given was unjustly or justly given to someone with statistics every single year. It's not like Clemens or Johnson winning the Cy Young award will enrich or effect your lives one damn bit. I just find the whole statistical debate completely pointless and stupid. It's not an exact science." God how I hate PG-13 message boards. Most of these people need the fork shoved up their ass. |
| _Dear Diary. Today I thought about Yahoo's Cribbage and how I wanted to shove the _corkscrew up their fucking ass-fisting shithole. |
| <> Wednesday November 10th 2004 <> Damn Flanders! This entry originally was going to be another Insomia Masterpiece Theatre edition, but since it was a dream during sleep and not something beforehand, I'm just gonna tell it. The other night I dreamt I was on a roller coaster, but apparently it was inside of a Mall **shudders**. It was a pretty good-sized roller coaster, and I had a friend sitting next to me. This roller coaster ride was apparently educational and was narrated & sponsored by some stupid corporation. The ride had its twists and turns, short-roofed tunnels that would have sliced your hands off if you had them up in the air. Then the ride slowed down considerably, and we looked around 'cause we were bored. Then apparently, we noticed that this was the kind of ride that you paid for AFTER you got done. Realizing this, we decided to jump off the side of the seating cart while the roller coaster was going pretty slow on its homestretch, then proceeded to walk very quickly to get away from the paying toll at the end of the ride. Apparently, the roller coaster somehow dispatched people at the last part of the ride & it turned into a slide. Then I noticed some very old bald man with glasses who just slid down the slide was lying right-ear down on the ground right at the tollbooth. Perhaps he was listening for some roaming buffalo or something to stampede in the Mall. I saw another old man, he was standing, waiting to pay for the ride. He quickly pulled out his wallet and grabbed his student I.D. card for the discount. We looked for the cashier and unfortunately she spotted us. She said to us, "Do you wish to pay?" and my friend said, "Naw, I didn't really go on the ride.". After lying, we both laughed and & hopped a short white fence that was surrounding the roller coaster ride section and continued walking in the Mall past the toll booth. Then my friend said to me, "It WAS really fun!" I dunno. I thought it was pretty funny. Guess you had to see it. |
| <> Thursday November 11th 2004 <> "Lousy discount bus fare mooching war widows." Baseball essay time. This one is about 'what a success' Interleague games are in baseball. My view: And "boo" on Interleague Play. It's total garbage and I hate it. Get rid of Interleague Play and give me the good 'ol balanced schedule back. But it'll never happen because baseball wants more of the same thing (the Yankees and Red Sox played each other 26 times this year) . Some fucking turd: "How can we get rid of Interleague Play? It's an overwhelming success." My retort: That's subjective, in a sense. Numbers may show it's a success, but as a fan, I find it a cheap Bud Selig idea that was created solely to make more money and not improve the game (IMO). And as a fan, I have gained zero interest in seeing my team play National League teams. My A.L. team gets to play the Phillies, Mets, Padres, Pirates, Giants, Braves, Dodgers, etc? Big whoop. Think I enjoyed watching Bonds get walked 4 times / hitting homeruns against my team? Guess again. And it makes even less sense to play an opponent only 3 times a year than it is play a same league / non-division 6 or 7 times. Bring back the balanced schedule, I say. The only time a National League team should play an American League team is in the World Series or in Spring Training. Once the novelty wears off, it won't be as great as it seems... and once Bonds retires, no A.L. fan is going to care about seeing the Giants, other than Oakland fans (assuming the team is still in Oakland then) to "just beat the Giants." And I'm pretty sure most N.L. teams don't appreciate seeing the Yankees on their schedule when those 3 games could mean the difference between going to the playoffs and not. But I guess we can't blame the MLB Selig Scum & Co. for trying. END I don't think anyone needs a good swift kick to the ass to see that this person has no regard for baseball or its rich history and tradition. And of course, I love being right and I don't have to send this person a profaned PM about what a clueless sack of donkey shit for brains they are. |
| <> Friday November 12th 2004 <> God damn it, Al! I'm getting real sick & tired of that sign! I have seemed to have run out of literature and stories, so for a bit I'm going to do some randomness. Ah, sweet pitiful unstructured randomness. -o- Random nostalgic thought: From time to time, I still think about in 6th grade science class when we watched a film where it showed a sneeze in slow motion, and its billions of microscopic germs magnified like a thousand times with special bright lighting so we could all see the exact detail of it... and remembering how funny it was while everyone else thought it was so gross and disgusting. -o- Random smug thought: You know, when you're a multi-millionaire professional football athlete handing out a tiny free frozen turkeys to the poor, I don't think you should be wearing a stocking cap with a Cadillac logo on the front of it. It just makes you look ignorant and weak by volunteering for something only because it looks like you feel guilty for your success and good fortune. -o- Random thought while watching TV: You think if Cotton Hill stuck his baby son under the wheel of a car and ran over it while driving, would any one care? -o- And can someone please tell me why my elbows keep making a loud popping noise? (Thanks Dr. Bree!) |
| <> Saturday November 13th 2004 <> My Crazy Pill-popping Housewife. Well there's been a lot of talk lately (again) about redesigning webpages, thinking of new color schemes, layouts, etc. I've narrowed some possible choices down to two....I really like both of them ... and it's almost impossible to choose, so I may just alternate each month to a new color scheme, or just keep the current format. No. I can't take much more of the gruel of gray stew. God damn it. I can't believe Michigan State actually beat undefeated ranked # 4 Wisconsin. I lost 10 whole fucking points because of that game. Tho it really doesn't matter, tho. Mike has won the ESPN College Pick 'Em's group. So barring a computer meltdown, accidental prison / life sentence, Mononucleosis, alien abduction or death, he has locked on for the win. Enjoy your winning prize of the Official steel wool-tipped anus cleaning brush of NCAA football. |
| _Dear Diary. Last night I watched "King of Queens" and it induced vomiting. |
| <> Sunday November 14th 2004 <> Poppy Seeds Blues Well now they've done it. You're really, really really did it. Bears are 4-5...and unless they lose the last 7 games, goodbye good draft pick. And it's still too shitty of a record to make the playoffs. And of course, playing the Indianapolis Colts next week helps. -o- Marge: Guess what, Homie. There's going to be twice as much fun in this house as there is right now! Homer: We're gonna start doing it in the morning? Marge: NO! We're going to have another baby." Homer: oh Marge that is just....**MOOOOOOOANNNN!** -o- Dear Diary. Today I played Yahoo Cribbage and it made me so fucking mad and I wanted to throw things. But instead I just screamed and grunted really loud. Why won't the game deal me good cards? Why why why? What have I done to do deserve such a fate? |
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| <> Monday November 15th 2004 <> My Stupid Idiot Fat Husband |
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| Bowls of rage. I took over the Northwestern Wildcats in my NCAA '99 Football game; which btw was the last college football game made for PC. In my 2000-year season, I lead the Wildcats to a perfect 11-0, beat some Top 25 ranked teams along the way, and yet, I ended up as # 3 because the two teams ahead of me got to play more games because |
| they got to play Conference championship games, which there is none in the Big Ten. And what's even worse, I got stuck in the Rose Bowl (which was the third bowl listed) and had to play a # 5 ranked team. I of course won, but still. So for the 2001 season, I made my schedule super-hard, and started off ranked as # 5 despite losing a shitload of players. Luckily my first game was against # 1 ranked North Carolina. The game was played at Northwestern on Sept 8th, and apparently there was snow on the ground. Those who know what Evanston is like in early September, it's always still hotter than hell in late summer. I won the game 35-18, got 61 of the 62 first place votes; 1549 votes and finally got my rightful # 1 ranking; despite the typical bullshit that goes on with this game: 1st and 2nd downs I'll blitz with a 3-4 defense, sack the QB. It'll be 3rd down and 31, or 3rd down and 16, etc.... and every single time, no matter with heavy coverage, they always get exactly enough yards for the 1st down. And it's very, very frustrating. This game is tough to kick field goals because even tho you kick with an angle, the damn ball doesn't break at all and sometimes; if not most of the time, running the option usually ends up with 2 to 11 yards instead of the huge 40 to 80 yard breakways. Speed burst, speed burst, speed burst, baby!! |
| <> Tuesday November 16th 2004 <> "Maybe he loves the buzz of juice in the morning." Well here it is!! The new daily column layout! After some mockups, a few ideas, polls...it's finally done! Yeah, there it is. Something new, something old. -o- random drunk thought while listening to music (proofed & retyped): Paul McCartney's "The Long Winding and Road" music is based on an orgasm. It's just a feeling. It may be a simple chord progression upwards, (listen to it, it sounds like "oh yeah, oh yeah, come on come on, oh GOD!" but the way Paul sings it, and the subtle "The Long and Winding Road" title, but listen to the music after the peak...it's like a sigh of content. Again, just a feeling. Beatles theory #3,518,483,549. -o- random newspaper Editor piece: "Our newspaper stands firm on our stance with comic strips with minorities in them. We've proven, done numerous tests, and concluded that those kinds of characters take up too much ink to produce. We know our readers will understand and understand if we allowed this, it would cost the price of the newspaper to go up significantly." ~Editor -o- Dear Diary. Why is Kevin James such a stupid fat fuckhead? It's like his brain was replaced with useless fat like the rest of his body. |
| <> Wednesday November 17th 2004 <> Nachos Riffles Alcohol It's been two days since the new color design. I'm still trying to get used to it. Now that it's the baseball off-season, here's some commentary from, of course, me. On Frank Thomas of the White Sox as a Hall of Famer: I don't know about that. 500 HRs is getting to be worth nothing these days. He'll probably get in, but it won't as easy as it used to be. Frank has had 7 or 8 dominate seasons... the other 6 or 7...eh. Has been a DH for most of the past 8 years..injured a lot.... huge decline in batting average....raise in strikeouts....I just don't know if he's a lock anymore. Personally, I wouldn't vote for him, only because as a fan of the team he's put us fans thru so much shit with his moodiness, getting injured really, really early in the season, all the years of bitching about being underpaid and continually robbing the team of its finances by always picking up his own contract option whether or not he really deserved it, and refusing to play first base when the team needed him to. But he got injured in April one year while diving for a ball while playing 1st base, so he really screw us up the ass, didn't he! He knows he has no free agent marketability at all, and the Sox are stuck with him on a team with already too many DH's. It's a shame the White Sox didn't trade him when his value was high. -o- On Barry Bonds and his 7th MVP award: If he's taking steroids at this point, what's in it for him? I dunno...more walks and fame and an 8th MVP award? Bonds had a great season, but if you were voting, would you give him another MVP award? With my bias, I wouldn't.. just for kicks and respect out of Adrian Beltre or Pujols for what they've done. Bonds has become the symbol that defies the laws of thermodynamics, aging and reason. Some how, at the age of 40, he puts up one of his best-ever seasons..if not ever. And yet, he still seems to dramatically improve every year, while getting fatter, slower, older and tired. And it's pretty much proven that he's taken some form of steroids; whether they're new-designer ones or regular ones, and forms of workout-enhancing supplements. The only question is how many years has he been doing this? While steroids / supplements weren't illegal in the MLB in the past, they have been for the past few seasons, and what he's been doing is "cheating"....taking a drug that's classified as a steroid but cannot be detected in testing because it's new. Companies are making new supplements all the time. Whether Bonds breaks Hank Aarons 755 homeruns is a question mark for now, but Bonds is a Hall of Famer. Would you vote for this moody, smug thing that seems more like a freak of nature than a real person? Never mind that he always swings for the fences, or wears the biggest arm / hand armor they make for batters, or the fact that he crowds the plate and has made such a mockery of pitching teams mostly refuse to even pitch to him. He's accomplished a lot, but I seriously doubt if he did it honestly. I would not vote for him to go into the Hall of Fame as of this moment. And the way the writers are handing out baseball awards these days, it's as if they don't give a shit anymore about the integrity of the game because there is none left. Maybe he loves the buzz of juice in the morning. |
| <> Thursday November 18th 2004 <> Thursday is "Turn TV the Fuck Off"- night It's been three days since the new color design. I'm still trying to get used to it. Now that it's the baseball off-season, here's some more commentary from, of course, me. On whether or not White Sox GM Kenny Williams is a good GM: Who in the hell is voting yes?? Twins fans? Mariners fans? Do you people remember nothing about Todd Richie, David Wells, Billy Koch? And I'm positive that a few other trades will look bad for the Sox in the future (Olivo becoming an great player), plus getting Roberto and Everett twice in back-to-back years. And I don't like how he's traded away so many minor league pitchers to the point that we can't bring up any decent anymore. I have a hard time giving Kenny any praise. -o- Quote: The one time we finally get a General Manager with the mentality of the "future is now", half the moron Sox fans want to throw him out. What the hell is that? The problem is Kenny doesn't know what the hell he's doing. There's a fine line between making a trade, and making a stupid trade just for the sake of making one. He's trading the future away for scrap iron. Of course into the first few months of the season the Sox weren't going to win the division; let alone make a dent in the playoffs. While the Garcia trade was good, I felt (and am still angry) that they gave up Olivo, because he was the future catcher. Now it's just another hole to fill on this team. Personally, I'd rather have this team stay middle-of-the road to decent and still have our minor league talent for the next few years to develop and grow, and get that key free agent to put us over the top instead of just trading them for old farts. I can wait a few more years for the Sox to win it all if it means waiting for that right combination and keeping the prospects (especially pitchers develop). I don't want to see this team suddenly bottom out and rot in the cellar because Kenny "had a hunch having Roberto for a 3rd time was the missing key", etc. Kenny would be a better fit for the Twins because they're closer to the championship than the Sox are. This team is not ready enough to make that serious playoff run. It had to be said. Get Kenny OUT. And it's not smart to be insulting our fan base, buddy. |
| <> Friday November 19th 2004 <> Next week is National Eat Hot Dogs 3 meals a day Week It's been four days since the new color design. I'm still trying to get used to it. Now that it's the baseball off-season, here's some commentary from, of course, me. This is the 3rd and final one of this series, I promise On shortstop Omar Vizquel signing with the SF Giants for 3 yrs / $12 mil : Hmmm... Maybe could Manager Ozzie play SS for us again? Ah, back in the day when the SS position was all about fielding and low batting averages and absent power and hitting 8th or 9th in the batting order. It just kills me that this team can't get someone like Renteria. But I'm glad the Sox didn't get Omar. he's too damn old and not worth it & is coming off an injury year. -o- On agents demanding that you pay a free agent the same amount or more as the guy he's placing: You know what I say to that? Agents can go to hell. Either take the offer the team gives you or hit the road. Of course, that's not the best strategy, but I'm sick and tired of seeing players get over-paid & making our budget that much tighter. And this whole Latino-run image that the White Sox are trying lure some of the great /good talent that exists in that community really doesn't seem to be paying off yet.. tho it probably helped with the Garcia deal. Latino pride and friendship can only go so far when a sport whose players are driven by: respect by money & market value. (And if you ask me, that was probably the biggest reason why Ozzie was made manager). Or maybe we're just a bunch of know-nothings who don't know anything about true market value. -o- On Trading Frank Thomas: I would have rather seen Seattle take Thomas straight up for Garcia, with Olivo staying as catcher, months ago. Quote: Thomas straight up for Garcia, are you out of you mind? Actually, I was just thinking about this the other day. I like it. I like it a lot! Frank is getting old, anyway. He can only play / stay healthy for so long. Man, that would had been a great trade ... the Sox dump Thomas' salary, the DH spot opens up... we keep Olivo / the future behind the plate, AND get Garcia. *sigh* I guess it wasn't meant to be. |
| <> Saturday November 20th 2004 <> Debbie's lil Whorehouse Inc
Ah, what a week for sports. First the Monday Night football commercial with Terell Owens that pissed a lot of people off, then the news of Ron Artest of the Pacers asking for time off during the season so he could work / promote his rap record, and then...in "one of the ugliest brawls in the history of North American sports" happened last night during the Pacers / Pistons game. Let's see..it started with Ben Wallace of the Pistons getting hacked by Artest. Then some shoving went around, then some Pistons fans threw some shit..then some players went into the stands and started punching fans..then the fans punched back, etc etc. Fun! As of the moment, there's Ben Wallace, Stephen Jackson, Ron Artest and Jermaine O'Neal suspended indefinitely. Fun! Wow, what a riot it was. Fun! Nothing like more pissed off NBA players to make their sport look bad. Fun! |
| <> Sunday November 21st 2004 <> "It seems fatty has lost his television!" Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ha ha! Oh MAN was that brutal! And literally there were some Bears fans and players who thought they could actually win this game! And the Bears didn't get 7 of those 10 points until the last pointless drive. And of course, it was 27-3 at halftime (should had been 31-3) and the only reason why the Colts didn't score 60 to 100 points is because they were being kind and decided to let the clock run down. And nobody ever said the word "playoffs" again in Chicago. This shows you the difference between a team with a good QB and a team with a bad QB. The Bears, for whatever fucking reason, just absolutely refuse to get that decent QB. Oh yeah, you once drafted a QB as #1... the same QB who played in California in WARM weather, and then lied about using handicap parking passes. What ever happened to Cade McNown. Oh yeah, 25 games with the Bears and then he's out of football. Brilliant. God forbid should this team actually spend the money to get a decent quarterback. Tho I suppose it's pointless to even have a decent QB on this team, since they have no receivers to throw to. Whether the Bears choose to accept the reality or not, the QB is VERY VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT to a football team. The next Bears game will be Thanksgiving Day on National TV at 3:15/4:15pm c/e time against the ultra hated Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys will be sporting a white helmet with a blue star, and wearing what mostly looks like their 1961 uniform, while the Bears will be wearing an "alleged" 1946 jersey, which apparently was orange with navy blue block numbers and white trim. There was no helmet logo (or a real helmet) but yet they'll have the navy blue helmet with the white C-wishbone. Orange jersey? ugh. This is the NFL's backdoor way of making traditional teams sneak their alternate color into the alternate jersey. As a Bears fan, I don't like this one bit. |
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| <> Monday November 22nd 2004 <> "Cause you don't dick around with God's America." Man, what a pain in the ass updating this column is. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it didn't take like 5 minutes to load up the program, then take so long to save this, and then there's always the problem of the random times the server freezes up, so I have copy and save everything I wrote in here, then re-start the whole fucking application again. Ugh, here's some more random shit for filler. -o- "Gee, Xmas decorations up now (and I saw some before Halloween in stores). Why don't we just do away with all the other holidays and make Christmas everyday so we'll all have a reason to shop and decorate our house with crap? Oh you convenient bastards. Introducing a new $150 toy right before the holidays! Never mind that driving anywhere near a Mall in December is pure fucking gridlock hell, but you cockmasters introducing all the shit in late November / December. That's why I hate Xmas.....it's so commercial and it's mainly used to create revenue and discomfort." -o- If you hit someone with your car, and no one was around, would you speed off without giving your info? Maybe. Or what if you did it in a parking lot, people saw you, but the owner wasn't around? Would you then just scribble shit on a piece of paper to make it "look like" you're giving your info?" |
| <> Tuesday November 23rd 2004 <> Phlegm!! Now, for some commentary on EA Sports: "That is just sad about EA Sports and their employees. I always wondered how much hard work it took to make these games (I've played over the years many versions of baseball, basketball, hockey (the most fun by far) football and golf). My most recent complaint, is after playing Madden '03 at a friend's house constantly, is that the gameplay is still so poor. On most levels, it's (near) impossible to kick field goals, complete a simple pass and there's still way too many fumbles / interceptions, etc. It's to the point that I have to dive forward / run out of bounds like a pussy-coward like Randy Moss because it feels like every play is going to result in a turnover. And the fact that they made the offseason part of the game so complicated that you need a Harvard Business Degree to do it and run countless drills to get your players ready / earn meager points. Madden ('**) is without doubt the most frustrating, angry, rage-a-holic game I have ever played in my life time, and I'm not the only one. Once I start screaming profanities while playing Madden's, I can't stop. I've never played anything so fucking frustrating in all of my life. And the worst thing is, the game isn't fun most of the time. You can't make late hits, or intentionally hurt guys or start fights. It's a NFG.."No Fun Game". How in the hell I haven't snapped the CD yet is probably due to strong constraint. Or the fact that I don't want to pay another $3 for it on eBay. As for NHL 2002, which I've played to absolute death, instead of fixing flaws like the chip-shot goal from the edge of the blue line that almost always goes in, erratic shooting when you're right up to the net.....where the puck comes nowhere even close to the net. This has been a problem with their hockey games, but instead of improving it, and making accurate retro jerseys (and providing more of them) they concentrate on stupid shit like making players a "Hero" in the 3rd period and playoffs, which makes them almost impossible to stop / check. I didn't see the stupid point to going thru 4 impossible checklists to earn "cards" so that one day, in that 1 in 300 chance, your player is invincible for that :07 seconds of play. MLB 2004, is by far the worst baseball I've ever played. Almost every Barry Bonds hit is a homerun, with pitcher's batting, they all end up going 2 for 3 in the game with RBI's.. Not to mention that the stupid fielders are never on the bag when you throw them the ball. Oh yeah, and it's impossible to steal 2nd (I've thrown out some 100 baserunners this summer / fall alone). And why in the hell EA Sports stopped releasing NCAA Football on PC is beyond me. I'm still playing the '99 version. (Northwestern Wildcats # 1 in 2001, baby!) Some of us don't feeling like spending $200 every few years for some console and paying like $80 for games. Plus you can't customize as much on the console, so to me, PC is superior. Graphics aren't everything. I wish EA would focus more on gameplay than trying to cram another hundred pixels into a square inch. And the sad thing is, EA Sports has no competition. I play 3DO's High Heat Baseball which is massively superior to EA MLB, but that company is not around anymore. Madden has always been the only one, and that's not going to change, same with hockey. Oh, and we could all do without the stupid crappy Rap / Hip-Hop music that comes with these games. And as for non-sports video games, I don't think I've played one since SimCity. I literally have no idea what else is out there. I'm not a fan of anything sci-fi or space / fantasy related, and shooters games are kinda pointless to me." END |
| <> Thursday November 25th 2004 <> "Gobble gobble!!" **gunshot** What's that cowboy doing to that horse??? Here's a piece. The life of a person who has dialup modem. By Dolph Rudager Downloading Gaim: 5.9 MB. Estimated time: 45 minutes. Click on link. Start download. Walk around. Go to the bathroom, sit down and read. Finish, then wander around. Look at the heavy snow and frozen ice that's sagging down the tree branches. Thankful for shoveling snow / ice off of car last night. Sit back down. Start typing about download. Watch the Colts beat the shit out of the Detroit Lions where Peyton Manning already has 5 passing TD's with 9:00 left in the 3rd quarter (You suck, Dan Marino aka Mr. Isotoner gloves. When in the hell was the last time someone in Miami needed to wear gloves? Oh yeah.. "Neverrrrrrrrrrrrr won a super bowllllllllllllllllllllllllll") Past: IM friend about playing a poker game. Wait 20 seconds for browser to load. Then during the next few minutes involve clicking links, signing in; loading. Engage in witty IM convos with friend who has cable modem & has been waiting for you to get to the god damn room for 2 minutes now while waiting for your shitty dial-up to load. Enter lobby, accept PM invitation; apologies for lateness. Past: Downloading Win updates. Starting / loading (5 minutes). Click on what's needed. Sit there and wait for 90 minutes. Look at TV....flip through channels....hit mute button. Begin reading entire newspaper sections. Due to downloading, completely unable to function / explore on the internet except for IM chatting, which is slowed down 1 to 5 seconds per message. Given up, goes to take extra-long hot water resource-draining shower. To waste more time, clips finger and toenails. Approaches kitchen, begins building elaborate sandwich with many ingredients and spices. Returns to the comp, still waiting another 60 minutes. Past: Entering a page that has many pictures and "thumbnails" but they're not true thumbnails because it's just a scaled-down version of the actual large file-sized. Most uttered phrases: "come ON!!!" "I hate my life!" "I need a fucking cable modem so bad." "This is pure torture." "I don't deserve this shit." "Patience, patience, patience." "(no expression / contentment/ general unawareness)" "**scratch scratch**" "**burp**" and "I'm hungry." Past: Multitaking: working on artwork for website; watching TV, music above ears is playing, playing a poker game online while chatting with everyone & eating food. Note: Peyton Manning: just threw for his 6th TD pass today. 17:11 left in the game. (final) END |
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| <> Friday November 26th 2004 <> Child blood-shedding Blues
Top 13 songs to drink to and listen to while drunk: L.A. Woman (The Doors) Light My Fire (The Doors) I Put a Spell on You (Screamin� Jay Hawkins) House of the Risin� Sun (The Animals) The Long And Winding Road (The Beatles) Can�t You Hear Me Knocking (Rolling Stones) Loving Cup (Rolling Stones) Rock and Roll (Led Zeppelin) Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison) Dr. Jimmy and Mr. Jim (The Who) The Cars Hiss By My Window (The Doors) Closing theme to WKRP in Cincinnati The Changling (The Doors) |
| <> Saturday November 27th 2004 <> I am the (2nd place) winner!! Random: The best part about the all-you-can-eat Lunch pizza buffet is not only the 5 different kinds of pizza they serve, or the other tasty salads, soups, chicken and other deserts, but being able to walk right up to the buffet....plate in hand....stare down at all those hot, juicy delicious pizzas.... and taking your fork and scooping all of the cheese off the top of the pizza, putting it on your plate and walking away; leaving the crust to rot under the heating lamps. |
| <> Sunday November 28th 2004 <> humped by a squeaky blubbery dolphin
And now, for the hot-button issue of the day: should breast feeding be allowed in public? Hell no. Basically, it's this: i don't want to see some women doing that in a mall or at a restaurant. Do it in the bathroom or the car. it takes like a minute or two to get to the car or some bathroom...it's not a big deal..and it's just a common courtesy. please, be reasonable. "it needs to be fed." oh for god's sake. it's not like the baby needs it that exact second. It's not like it's going to die that instant. "Suffering". Suffer? Acting with manners and considering other people is "suffering" ?? "it's a natural thing." Pooping and peeing is a natural thing too, but you don't see me doing it in public. "So don't look." I don't go looking for it, I'm just saying, like, I'm in Arby's, I get my tray of food to go sit down, and I walk over to get my napkins, then I happen to look up for a booth to sit in, and then I notice this woman doing this. I'll cringe, completely lose my appetite, and will promptly take my food out to my car and eat it in there. And beast feeding in public IS a big deal. I shouldn�t have my nice meal or anyone else�s day ruined because of this atmosphere, just because some mother acts like the world is her own personal bathroom. The problem is these mothers have no consideration of other people, and they just don�t give a shit whether it offends people or not. |
| <> Monday November 29th 2004 <> it's tough being a stalker with today's gasoline prices.
I can't wait to get into a fight with the cashier with my "expired" driver�s license. Being the good and perfect male driver that I am, I got a renewal sticker for the back of my license so I wouldn�t have to go to the DMV, which is the same price as going there and I got mine thru the mail. But of course, in the red rectangle with white letters, it still says my license expired earlier this year. Tho the sticker on the back makes it good for another 4. Me: **plots down a case of 30 cans of beer onto the counter in the liquor department. Pulls out driver�s license, Preferred Values card (for big savings) and hands it to cashier.** Cashier: "Um sir, your driver's license is expired." Me: "No it's not." Cashier: "Yes it is, sir." Me: "No, it's not." Cashier: "It says right here, "expired." Me: "No it's not." Cashier: "yes it is." Me: "Noooooo..... I don't think it is!" Cashier: "But it says so." Me: "I don't think so." Cashier. "Yes, it is." Me: "I really don't fucking think so, shithead." Cashier: "Well, it is!" Me: "Don't fuck with me, fucker!" Cashier: "No!" Me: "Just do your fucking job, assface and don't make me kick you in the testicles." Cashier: **begins trying to shove me back my driver's license** Me: **pushes it back over and over** Cashier: "Now sir, do you care to purchase any non-alcohol items and.." Me: "Just ring up my damn beer. Don't make me kill you." Cashier: "Sir, I don't know how stupid you are or how drunk your parents were when they conceived you, or what a bunch of slackers all of your teachers were, but here in the real world, we have rules to abide by and....." Me: **flips over driver's license** "See that?? That's my renewal sticker! 'good for another 4 years from the expiration date'! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!" Cashier: **rings up beer and scan Preferred Values card, hands receipt.** Have a good evening, sir! Me: **cheerfully** "You too!" **walks out of store** |
| <> Tuesday November 30th 2004 <> Only turkeys have left wings
Reasons to like winter 1. easy sleeping with tons of blankets on the bed 2. no bugs 3. hot chocolate / hot coffee / tea 4. no blinding sun most of the time 5. no thunderstorms or violent weather Reasons to hate winter: 1. Snow makes driving very slippery and dangerous on the road 2. Salt is thrown down on the road on aforementioned snow which eats away at car / instigating rust 3. Cold, finger-face-painful numbing wind and wind chills. 4. Frozen car driver�s side door keyhole making entry impossible without heating it up with a heat-blow gun. 5. Christmas / Xmas decorations / Xmas songs / Xmas specials-movies 6. Between Thanksgiving and New Years, absolutely impossible to drive to, at or near any mall. 7. Drinking cold beer is bone chilling 8. It�s too cold out to exercise or play outside 9. Flu season 10. No baseball 11. Car stalls 12. Ice on the road / more traffic accidents 13. Brushing snow / scraping ice and frost off the outside and inside of windshields / windows. END |
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