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Series 1, Episode 2
reveiw | transcript | screencaps | quiz
Everyone is in the pub
Kurt: Okay, Clare?
All: Them!
Simon: Obviously.
Kurt: So that means you wouldn't shag her?
Simon: No way! I'd be compromising my principles. That's the rule. You don't shag the boss because she's one of them.
Brian: Yeah, plus she's too old!
Kurt: True.
Susan: What about Liz?
Simon: Them, so... no!
Susan: She's sort of one of us.
Simon: Stop complicating things.
Brian: All right, Jenny?
Simon: An 'us' arse but a 'them' attitude, so no, definitely no.
Kurt: Have you ever noticed Clare's arse? It looks a bit like a deer's.
Brian: Fuck off.
Kurt: Right, if you had to have sex with an animal...
Susan: Time to go.
Simon: Oh, come on, stay. It's early.
Kurt: Peter on for a night of wild sex, is he?
Susan: Don't be stupid, I'm married.
Simon: Come on, stay.
Susan: Can't, early night. I've got to see Clare first thing.
Simon: What for?
Susan: Didn't I mention it? I'm up for head of year.
Kurt: What?
Brian: You?
Simon: Susan, tell me you're not serious?
Susan: I'm serious.
Simon: But why, I mean... why!?
Susan: More money, more kudos, more...
Simon: Stop! I've heard enough. Susan, don't do it, you can't.
Susan: Why not?
Simon: Cos you wouldn't be one of us any more, you'll be one of them.
Susan: I'll still be me.
Simon: Wrong! You'll be selling your soul to become a pawn of the establishment, that's what you'll be.
Susan: Thanks for your support Simon, I knew you'd understand.
She leaves and Simon shouts after her.
Simon: Traitor!
Kurt: Who's round is it?
Simon: Fuck it! That's put me right off my pint! I'm going to Maggie's.
Brian: How come we've never met this Maggie yet, then?
Simon: She's... she's shy.
Brian: She's a fat pig, isn't she?
Simon: You're just jealous cos I'm getting it and you're not. Have fun, losers.
Cut to Maggie's next day. She throws a bag onto a sleeping Simon and he grunts.
Maggie: School!
Simon: Sadist. I thought you said you had the day off today.
Maggie: I've got paperwork to catch up on. It's called being professional.
Simon: Professional... no, you've lost me.
Maggie gets on the bed next to him
Maggie: Come here.
They kiss
Simon: I don't suppose you've got time for a...
Maggie: No, and neither have you. And don't go back to sleep.
Simon throws the bag away and lies down again
Cut to later, the radio alarm switches on, the time says 8:55. Simon crawls out from under the covers.
Simon: Oh shit!
He rushes around the room looking for his clothes, knocks an unfinished bottle of wine all over his boxers, gets out a pair of Maggie's knickers instead, admires himself in the mirror then rushes off.
Cut to Simon riding his bike to school, he reaches behind and sorts out a wedgie as he cycles.
Cut to Simon rushing through the corridors, he stops and sorts out another wedgie.
As he gets nearer to his classroom we can hear the kids talking loudly.
Jenny: Keep it down please!
Simon: (rushing up) Had a puncture.
Jenny: Is that the best you can do?
Simon: Yeah.
Jenny: At least you're consistent.
Simon: Thanks.
Jenny: 'Course, I won't be able to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing after Wednesday.
Simon: Right, right... Am I supposed to know what you're on about?
Jenny: If I get the job.
Simon: What job?
Jenny: For head of year.
Simon imagines Jenny dressed in a scary dominatrix type outfit while he is dressed as a schoolboy.
Dominatrix Jenny: It's going to be quite useful being in the classroom next door to you
Jenny: I'll be able to keep an eye on you.
Simon looks terrified. He walks into his class room, closes the door and breathes a sigh of relief. Jeremy checks his watch at him.
Simon: My alarm's broken.
Jeremy shakes his head.
Simon: It was stolen.
Kid: Try again Simon.
Simon: All right, I switched it off and went back to sleep.
Kid: Result!
Other kid: Give us your cash.
Simon: You ran a sweepstake on me?
Kid: Yeah, I knew you wouldn't let me down.
Simon: I don't suppose anyone took registration, did they?
Girl: As a matter of fact, I did.
Simon: Good stuff! Right, to make up for being late we're going to do something different.
Jeremy: Like work?
Simon: Give that man a cigar. A written test of what we've covered so far in Of Mice And Men.
Jeremy: Yes!
Simon: List five of George's positive qualities. Is George scared of...
There is the sound of a whip cracking as Simon looks into Jenny's classroom.
Simon: ...Jenny?
Everyone looks up from their writing.
Simon: Lenny.
Girl: You said Jenny.
Simon: Just testing.
Cut to later.
Jeremy: Sir?
Simon: What?
Jeremy: When you say describe Curley's wife's dream, do you mean metaphorically of literally? Because, you know, if you want us to use symbolism...
Simon: Jeremy, it's a test. I'm not allowed to help you.
Everyone scribbles away whyle Simon doodles on a bit of paper and chews his tie. He notices one of the kids isn't doing anything.
Simon: SEX!
Everyone looks up, shocked.
Simon: Sorry Arnie, I thought you'd fallen into a coma
The bell rings and everyone starts packing up.
Simon: That's enough fun for one day! Wasn't too painful, was it?
Jeremy: No, I really enjoyed that!
Simon: Are you being ironic?
Jeremy: No, I mean it.
Simon: Sorry, I shouldn't have asked.
Jeremy: Think you'll mark them?
Simon: Probably not.
Cut to staff room. Simon sits down next to Kurt.
Simon: If she gets the job I'm resigning.
Brian: She's not that bad.
Simon: She's not in your year. While she makes life hell for us, you'll be safe running round a field or whatever.
Brian: I don't just run around a field.
Kurt: No, be fair. He does sometimes stop to blow his whistle.
Brian: I work my bollocks off!
Simon: Yeah, right.
Brian: You won't be saying that when I start teaching A-Level next year.
Steven: Who would want to do a PE A-Level?
Simon: Can we talk about something that actually matters here? What the fuck are we going to do about Jenny?
Steven: You do realise you're panicking over nothing. Whoever's misguided enough to take the job won't last five minutes. It's too much to take on.
Simon: If she gets it those five minutes will be an eternity. Can't you think of a way to sop her getting the job?
Steven: Short of killing her, no.
Simon looks thoughtful.
Cut to another part of the staff room.
Susan: You must be in with a good chance though.
Jenny: Maybe. Do you think they're open to bribery?
Susan: Doubt it, I've already tried.
Jenny leaves.
Simon: Good tactics - sleeping with the enemy.
Susan: I wouldn't go that far.
Simon: No, but it's a nice image though.
Susan: She's actually been okay with me. Fair fight and all that.
Simon: Oh my God, she's brainwashed you! Susan, you have to get the job, they can't give it to her.
Susan: What happened to "if you get it you'll be selling your soul to become a sad pawn of the establishment"?
Simon: I was being ironic.
Susan: You don't think I'm mad to go for it?
Simon: Certifiable, but I'd rather you got it than Cruella.
Susan: If I were you, I'd start being nice to her, just in case I don't get it.
Simon: Nice?!
Susan: You could start by apologising to her for the row you had.
Simon: I can't! It's humiliating. Just have to hope she doesn't get the job.
Susan: Anyway, I don't know what you're getting so wound up about, how bad could it be?
Simon imagines dominatrix Jenny pulling him around the staff room on a dog lead.
Simon: I'm not wound up.
Susan leaves and Simon looks out the window.
Jenny: Something wrong?
Simon: No, I was just thinking.
He imagines dominatrix Jenny again
Jenny: I'm sure the novelty will wear off.
Simon: Look, I wanted to, er, you know, talk to you.
Jenny: About what?
Bob trips up and drops books all over, then starts spluttering incoherently.
Bob: Sod it!
Simon: It can wait.
Cut to view of school from outside.
Random female teacher: You are using disgusting language. Will you look at me! You are using words you don't know the meaning of...
Simon and Arnie are standing at the back of the school
Simon: I shouldn't... I go on then, I'm having a shit day.
Arnie lights a joint and Simon has a drag.
Simon: Late night?
Arnie: Yeah, I had a bust up with Sonya.
Simon looks blank.
Arnie: Jennings. Year twelve, loud.
Simon: Fit though, some... some might say. So, it's all over then?
Arnie: Yeah, unless I apologise. Even though she started it.
Simon: The thing about women is, when you apologise to them you have to make them think they've got power over you, without actually... letting them have power over you.
Arnie: How do I do that?
Simon: God knows. But let me know if you find out.
Arnie leaves, Simon had a few more drags, then throws the joint away and leaves too.
Cut to inside school.
Jenny: We do not run in corridors, we walk in corridors.
Kids: Sorry miss.
Jenny: Goodbye.
Simon: I owe you an apology.
Jenny: About what?
Simon: Sorry?
Jenny: What are you apologising for? Your existence?
Simon: Yeah, right. I mean, no, you know. That thing.
Jenny: What thing?
Simon: Could you walk a bit slower?
Jenny: If I walk any slower I'll stop.
Simon: You know, that thing I said the other day. It was stupid!
Jenny: You say a few stupid things, you'll have to help me out.
Simon: You know, when I said...you were boring. Sorry.
Jenny: Is that it?
Simon: Yeah. Apart from that other thing.
She looks expectantly.
Simon: You know, when I... when I said I wanted to sleep with you. Can we forget it ever happened?
Jenny: I'll do my best. Although I'm not usually forgetful.
Simon: It was just a joke.
Jenny: Forgive me for not laughing.
Simon: Although the real joke is, I don't even fancy you. You are SO not my type, way off. In fact I don't find you attractive at all.
Jenny: Really?
Simon: You're cold, standoffish, self obsessed...
Jenny: I think you've made your point.
Simon: Condescending, patronising, retili...
Jenny: I THINK you've made your point! But if you think that, why'd you say it?
Simon: Because...
Brian walks past
Simon: Because it was a bet I had with Brian, on how you'd react. I said you'd slap me, he said you wouldn't.
Jenny: A bet?!
Simon: His idea, not mine.
Jenny looks malevolently at Brian's back.
Simon: See the thing is, I think he might fancy you.
Jenny: Brian?
Simon: Yeah, he's not very good around women.
Brian burps loudly and scratches himself.
Simon: See?
Jenny sighs and walks off. Simon smiles to himself.
Simon: Genius.
Cut to further down the corridor.
Simon: Morning.
Susan offers him a polo.
Simon: Nah, trying to give them up. Well, I did it!
Susan: Did what?
Simon: Apologised to Cruella.
Susan: Are your knees sore? From grovelling to her?
Simon: Not a scratch.
Susan: Not even a teensy weensy bruise to the ego?
Simon: Nope.
Susan: How did you manage that?
Simon: Well I simply gave her an honest apology, she was all right about it actually.
Susan: So does this mean you don't want her to disappear into a vat of boiling oil any more?
Simon: I don't hate her that much.
Susan: Where are you going?
Simon: To see if I can stop the scheming bitch from getting the job.
Cut to office. Carol is polishing a trophy.
Simon: (to Liz) Am I seeing things or is she wearing eye shadow?
Liz: She's got a date.
Simon: You're joking!
Liz: Yes!
Simon: Has our leader given any hint on who's to get the head of year?
Liz: Privileged information.
Simon: Oh come on Liz. There's a Mars bar in it for you.
Liz: King size?
Simon: Go on then.
They move away so Carol can't hear.
Liz: (whispering) I heard her talking on the phone earlier about Jenny.
Simon: Not good thing, I hope?
Liz: 'Fraid so, Although as you know I'm completely impartial about the condescending ice queen.
Simon: Can't you drop a subtle hint to Clare about her?
Clare's buzzer goes off and Clare walks out of her office.
Clare: (so a student) Miss Page is...
Simon tries to hide his face and walks out.
Liz: Oi! Where's my Mars Bar?
Cut to dining hall
Susan: Right, so you're Clare. Okay, go.
Jenny: (doing Clare impression) So, why exactly do you think you should be made haed of year?
Susan: Because... I feel I've reached a stage in my career where I need a new challenge, and... shit that sounds crap, doesn't it?
Jenny: Keep going.
Susan: Aaaand... Sod it. Can't I just say "Give me the job, bitch"?
Jenny: No, I'm using that line.
Susan: Damn. I've had it then.
Cut to staff room.
Brian: Okay, my go. This is inspired. Margaret Beckett or Sharon Stone with weeping cold sores, full blown scabies and a built up shoe?
Steven: Do we have to do this?
Everyone: Yes.
Kurt: Got to be Margaret Beckett.
Simon: You sick bastard. Okay, carol, or Britney Spears with acne, chronic flatulence and a hairy back?
Brian/Steven: Britney Spears.
Kurt: How hairy are we talking?
Simon: Like an orang-utan.
Kurt: Tough one.
Simon: I worry about you sometimes.
Somewhere else in the staff room
Brian: Clare, can I talk to you?
Clare: Is it urgent?
Brian: Well, I... just wondered what you thought about me teaching A-Level next year.
Clare laughs and Brian looks upset.
Clare: (off his look) Sorry Brian, I thought you were joking.
Brian: Other schools are doing A level PE.
Clare: AS-Level, so I believe. Ken, PTA, next Thursday. Can you go?
Ken: Yeah, sure.
Clare: Good man.
Ken: Fuck.
Brian: So, erm...
Clare: No, that'll be fine. Can you do that 3 o'clock? Kurt, those IT receipts for Friday. Susan, have you forgotten?
Brian: So, er, what do you think?
Clare: What? Simon! (To Brian) See what response you get to the idea at parent's evening tomorrow.
Brian: Right! Excellent!
Clare: (to Simon) Arnie Lawson's in your tutorial group, isn't he? I think we might have a bit of a problem.
Simon: Have we?
Clare: Jenny's just caught him with cannabis.
Simon coughs.
Clare: Are you okay?
Simon: Fine. What did he say, exactly.
Clare: Oh, usual stuff. Claim's he's the only one that smoked it.
Simon: Well he could be telling the truth. Should I have a word with him?
Clare: Might be better if someone else talks to him.
Simon: Susan! Would be good, the kids respect her.
Clare: I was thinking along the lines of someone from the police. That'll put the wind up him, hopefully.
Simon: The police?
Clare: You'll need to sit in on it, and Jenny of course.
Simon: Jenny?
Clare: Well she is acting head of year, look, I'll let you know when the police can come in. They'll deal with it.
Simon images being in a line up with a load of students. Arnie points at him.
In reality, jam from his doughnut drops on his shoe and Clare gives him a teacher look.
Cut to Maggie's flat.
Simon: Why don't they just bring n the Gestapo. It's only a bit of dope we're talking about for Christ's sake.
Maggie: Oh, look, is this going to go on all night?
Simon: I'm stressed. You're supposed to be sympathetic.
Maggie: Well I am, I just, you know, can think of better things to do than listening to you rant on and on.
Simon: Such as?
Maggie unzips his trousers and sees her knickers.
Maggie: Oh, very David Beckham.
Simon: Well, I thought they were mine. It was dark when I put them on, pitch black.
Maggie: It was morning.
Simon: I had my eyes closed, what?
Maggie: Just checking to see you're not wearing my bra as well.
They kiss.
Cut to later in bed.
Maggie: Better?
Simon: Yeah.
Simon's toes start twitching.
Maggie: I thought you said you felt better.
Simon: I do.
Maggie: Well stop doing that.
Simon: What?
Maggie: That thing with your foot.
Simon: I can't help it.
Maggie: Oh look Simon, I don't know why you're so wound up about this drugs thing, you're not the one in trouble are you?
Simon: I'm his form tutor, it reflects on me, it makes me look irresponsible.
Maggie: Well you are.
Simon: Pedant.
Maggie: Look, would it make it easier if I spoke to this Arnie geezer?
Simon: You, what here?
Maggie: I don't think talking to him in bed's a good idea. But I could, erm, I don't know, meet up with him for an off the record chat.
Simon: Off the record, so it needn't go any further? Has anyone ever told you you're a genius?
Maggie: Well, they don't need to. So, I'll see what I can do, yeah?
Simon: Thanks.
Maggie: Put your mind at rest?
Simon: Yeah.
Simon's foot has stopped twitching.
Next morning. The radio switches on.
Radio: Six people have been arrested after police conducted a number of drugs raids across the city. A police spokesman said that four men and two women...
Simon's foot starts twitching again.
Cut to school.
Susan: Looking for someone?
Simon: Jenny.
Susan: Another apology?
Simon: I have been known to have a conversation with her without being insulting.
Susan: When?
Simon: Stop asking trick questions.
Susan: Oh, I meant to ask. How did the attempt to stop her getting the job go? Not that I approve of your underhand methods.
Simon: Badly.
Susan: Can't rely on you for anything, can I?
Simon: Miss Page! Miss Page! Just wanted to let you know, the Arnie thing's been sorted.
Jenny: Has it?
Simon: Yeah, I got in touch with the police, they're going to bring someone in to talk to him.
Jenny: Surprisingly responsible of you.
Simon: Well as Arnie's form tutor, I, I should be.
Jenny: Does this sudden attack of responsibility extend to you handing in marking on time?
Simon: Very good, very good. Anyway we probably won't need to be involved, best leave it to the police, yeah?
Jenny: What about the parents?
Simon: What about them?
A kid runs past.
Jenny: Walk! Are you going to tell them tonight?
Simon: Tonight?
Jenny: Parent's evening.
Simon: is that really necessary? What they don't know can't hurt them.
Jenny: Don't you think they've got a right to know?
Simon: Well it's up to Arnie to tell them if he wants to.
Jenny: Like that's gonna happen. It's up to us to tell them.
Simon: Maybe you're right. I'll tell them, leave it to me.
Jenny: Yeah, right.
Simon: Is it asking too much for you to trust me just this once?
Jenny: Yes. Still, suppose there's a first time for everything.
Cut to Simon's class room
Simon gives out books.
Jeremy: You've marked them?
Kid: Oh traitor!
Simon: Don't worry, I won't make a habit of it.
Girl: Good, you had us worried.
Simon: Everything is back to normal, we're all still fighting the same system from within.
Kid: 'Sept you get paid for it.
Simon: Hardly.
Other kid: Hypocrite.
Simon: Would I still be a hypocrite if I didn't get paid for it?
Kid: Yeah, you'd be a skint hypocrite.
Simon: You're lucky you've got me, it could be a lot worse.
Arnie: I dunno, you haven't got an arse like that.
They all look at Jenny's arse through the window.
Simon: See me after lesson.
After lesson. Bell rings, everyone piles out.
Simon: Two things. First, don't worry about your mum and dad finding out, I'll sort it.
Arnie: Okay, what's the second?
Simon: Clare's got the police involved.
Arnie: Sweet.
Simon: It's okay, its... cool. I think I've managed to get this police woman in I know to talk to you. Well more of a chat really.
Arnie: You're mates with a copper?
Simon: Not mates exactly, I've only met her a couple of times. If that. In fact I hardly know her, but she's all right. So I've... heard.
Arnie: Simon, she's a copper.
Simon: Yeah, but she's all right for a copper, if you know what I mean. Anyway, the, the point is... Just don't mention I was smoking dope, yeah?
Arnie: What's it worth?
Simon: You should know by now I don't respond to bribes.
Arnie: Straight A's
Simon: Deal.
Arnie leaves and Simon looks out the window, where he sees Jenny and Brian. Jenny throws a rugby ball to some kids.
Brian: Who says women can't throw?
Jenny: Don't your knuckles get sore from dragging along the ground?
Cut to corridor. Kids are running.
Steven: HOLMES!!
Kurt: Is that water or are you just incredibly nervous?
Steven: That fuckwit Jason Holmes! Dropped a water bomb
Steven is drenched.
Bob: He got me the other week, if it's any consolation.
Steven: None whatsoever. I'm gonna get that little shit.
Kurt: How? You gonna make a water bomb?
Steven: No, napalm.
Kurt: What year's he in?
Steven: Well you should know, you're gonna have the pleasure of his parents' company tonight.
Kurt: What, Jason Holmes? Well what does he look like?
Bob: An evil little bastard.
Steven: You're well prepared for parent's evening, aren't you?
Kurt looks slightly panicky an he walks off.
Cut to back of school.
Kurt: Okay, Stacy Walker.
Simon: Stacy... Stacy... I need alcohol to concentrate.
Kurt: Tough, come on.
Simon: Stacy Walker. Got it! Leggy brunette, above average, coursework excellent. She's a high achiever.
Kurt: Close, except he's below average in his coursework.
Simon: Shit. Serves him right for having a poncy name.
They walk inside.
Cut to stairs.
Brian: I'm with you on this Jenny situation.
Simon: Good man! I've no idea what you're on about.
Brian: If she gets the job I'm resigning as well.
Simon: Could try voodoo.
Brian: Stuffy cow.
Kurt: What happened to (northern accent) "oh, she's not that bad"?
Brian: Must have been hallucinating or something. She keeps giving me dirty looks.
Simon: Could be reverse psychology, she's actually giving you the eye. Or it could be a squint.
They go into the staff room.
Jenny: Is it my imagination, or does Brian keep looking at me?
Susan: No, you're not imagining it. Mind you, they all fancy you.
Jenny: If that's meant to make me feel good, believe me, it doesn't.
Susan: Has Brian come one to you, then?
Jenny: No, thank God.
Susan: The way he keeps looking at you, I think he might be building up to it.
Jenny: Now you're really scaring me.
Susan: You'd best nip it in the bud before he does anything about it. Tell him you're on for a serious relationship, you won't see him for dust.
Other side of the staff room.
Brian: Go on then, test me?
Simon: Is there any point?
Brian: Don't piss about, come on.
Simon: All right, David Banks.
Steven: Ah well, back to the darling little bleeders.
The bell rings.
Brian: David Banks, year 11, brilliant left back. Had a trial with Rovers, great future, left last term to go to a grammar. Ungrateful little bastard.
Simon: You do realise it's a complete waste of time you knowing that?
Brian: We'll see.
Simon: Right, how did we do?
Kurt: A success rate of 40%. Ah, no sweat guys, we'll walk it.
Cut to school that night. Simon and Kurt are peering in the window.
Simon: Who's that? Who the fuck is that?
Brian clicks his briefcase shut and walks in smiling. He sets up a bit of card with his name on it 'Mr B. Steadman. Physical Education.' That he has made himself. Puts his briefcase on the floor and waits expectantly. Around him, everyone else is busily talking.
Kurt: And... you are...?
Kid's mum: His parents.
Kurt: The... parents of...?
Kid's mum: Our son.
The kid is sitting next to them.
Kurt: Right.
Long pause.
Kurt: He's done really well this term. Good grades. The school secretary typed up these reports for me and she's a hopeless speller. Just to ckeck, how... how are you spelling the name?
Kid's mum: T. I. M.
Brian is still waiting. Over at Stephen's desk there is a huge queue, he is asleep.
Jenny: I'm afraid that Kelly seems to think that telling jokes to the rest of the class is more important than listening to me. Perhaps you'd like to tell us why that is, Kelly?
Kelly: 'Cos your lessons are boring.
Jenny: Come on, don't beat about the bush.
Kelly: All right, you're boring.
Jenny: Tell me what I can do to make the lessons more interesting for you, then.
Kelly: Move me into Simon's class, he's a laugh.
Simon's desk.
Simon: He's one of the brightest in his year. Brilliant imagination, composition's outstanding.
We see that he is talking to Arnie and his parents.
Simon: Straight A's.
Jenny: Sorry to interrupt, thought I should sit in on this, if that's okay.
Simon: Well we just...
Jenny: Jenny Page, acting head of year.
Arnie's mum: We didn't realise how well Arnie's been doing at school.
Simon: Well, I think that just about covers everything.
Jenny: Does it?
Simon: I'd say so.
Jenny: So you've mentioned to Mr and Mrs Lawson about the incident yesterday?
Arnie's dad: What incident?
Jenny: I'm afraid I caught your son with cannabis on him.
Simon: It was only a bit. Apparently. Hardly anything.
Jenny: That's not the point, is it?
Arnie's mum: Arnie's not the only one that smokes it though, is he? It's just he's the only one who's been caught.
Jenny: Do others smoke it?
Arnie: Sometimes.
Jenny: Who?
Simon looks pleadingly at Arnie not to tell.
Arnie: Everyone.
Arnie's dad: Well there you go then.
Jenny: Simon's asked someone from the police to come and talk to him.
Simon: I didn't want to. It was Clare... Mrs Hunter's idea really.
Jenny: Was it?
Simon: Oh I don't know, look, does it really matter? It's being sorted, okay?
Jenny: All I'm concerned about is the effect it could have on his school work.
Simon: He's got straight A's for God's sake.
Arnie's dad: Look, can you two make up your minds? Is our son a genius or a delinquent?
Over at Brian's desk a girl and her dad approach. The dad leans over to look at his sign, then they walk off.
Arnie and his parent's leave
Arnie: Yeah, cheers Simon, I thought you said it'd be sorted.
Simon: It will be, trust me.
Simon stares murderously at Jenny. The camera rushes towards her, she stands up and screams.
Cut to pub. Simon is bowling.
Simon: Yess!! Right, next question. What are your plans for low achievers?
Susan: Fiddle their exam marks?
Simon: Susan!
Susan: It was a joke.
Simon: This is serious. We're relying on you to beat that hard faced cow.
Susan: Why have you got such a downer on Jenny?
Brian: Because she's a hard faced cow.
Kurt: Nice udders though. (off everyone's looks) Sorry.
Simon: Come on, answer the question. What the fuck's she doing here?
Susan: I invited her, not a problem is it?
Jenny walks up to their table.
Jenny: Can I get anyone a drink?
Brian: We were just leaving.
Simon: Yeah, yeah, just on out way.
Susan: Er, thanks Jenny. Er, two lagers, a lager top for Simon and a scotch.
Simon, Brian and Kurt tilt their heads and watch Jenny's arse as she walks to the bar.
Cut to later, still at the pub.
Susan: So, who's doing anything wildly exciting tonight?
Simon, Brian and Kurt just look at her.
Susan: What about you, Jenny?
Simon, Brian and Kurt all mouth 'Marking'.
Jenny: I do go out.
Simon: What, to get your annual charisma injection?
Jenny: Do you ever manage to say anything remotely adult?
Simon: My dad's bigger than yours.
Jenny: I give up.
Simon: And you dealt with the Arnie situation with such maturity, snitch.
Jenny: How mature was it to bottle out of telling his parents? Coward.
They all sit without talking.
Kurt: Do you think masochists beat themselves up about being masochists? Eh?
Jenny: Back in a sec.
Jenny leaves.
Susan: Do you have to be so rude to her?
Simon: No, I just do it for fun.
Susan: I'm surprised at you, Brian, I thought you fancied her.
Brian: I don't fancy her. I mean, I'd shag her, but I don't fancy her.
Kurt: Yeah, some here.
Susan: Do I need to remind you of why you should be nice to her?
Simon: No.
Brian/Kurt: Yes.
Susan: If she gets the job, it's only a matter of time before she starts to set her sights higher.
Kurt: (In an American accent) You mean she could take over from Bob?
Simon and Brian laugh.
Susan: Then possibly Clare.
Simon, Brian and Kurt look shocked. Jenny comes back and they all grin at her.
Jenny: That reminds me, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest's on tonight.
Cut to Simon's house.
Simon: Dad?!
Simon's dad: (from upstairs) I'm up here!
Cut to upstairs. Simon's dad is wallpapering.
Simon's dad: Wallace and what's his name. Like it?
Simon: Where's my table football?
Simon's dad: Sold it.
Simon: What?!
Simon's dad: They're Molly's favourite. You are all right about this, aren't you?
Simon: Well, I prefer All Saints or something tasteful like that.
Simon's dad: About Marcella and Molly moving in.
Simon: It's fine. Marcella's okay and Molly's... a little person. It's great. I like little people. Apart from that dwarf in Don't Look Now. Molly hasn't got a red coat, has she?
There is a noise downstairs.
Simon: Someone's breaking in!
Marcella: (from downstairs) It's only me!
Simon: She's got a key?!
Simon's dad: She got tired of climbing through the window.
Marcella comes in the room.
Marcella: Oh wow, yeah. She'll love it. Oh, I thought I'd cook dinner tonight, if that's okay.
Simon: Er, thanks but Maggie's cooking for me.
Cut to Maggie's. She and Simon are eating a take away.
Simon: She's even got her own key now! And she was using my kitchen. I mean, who the hell does she think she is?
Maggie: Your future stepmother?
Simon: Still on for this Arnie thing tomorrow?
Maggie: Yep, sorted. Coming in at 2.30.
Simon: Coming in? You mean, to school?
Maggie: No, I thought I'd stand outside and use semaphore. Why, is that not okay?
Simon: Yeah, fine. Fine.
Cut to Maggie's bedroom next day.
Simon: I've been thinking... I know it's just an informal chat you're gonna have with Arnie, maybe it shouldn't be too informal, do you know what I mean.
Maggie: Erm, not really.
Simon: I mean, maybe you shouldn't tell him you're my girlfriend.
Maggie: What, you mean you want me to lie? Hypocrite.
Simon: Not lie so much as... Yeah, lie. I mean if he knows it'll undermine your authority, he won't take you seriously.
Maggie: Well, I suppose so. Do you want me to, er, lie about you being a responsible teacher as well?
Simon: You don't have to go that far.
Cut to Simon cycling to school, on time for a change.
Cut to staff room
Liz: How was parent's evening?
Stephen: Terrible. Bastards all turned up.
Liz: Even for you, Brian?
Brian: I had one or two.
Kurt: One. And that was to ask where the toilets were.
Liz: Never mind, eh? Maybe next year.
Simon: (walking into the room) Liz, I want you to do something for me.
Liz: Anything but contract killing.
Simon: Oh well, have to be plan B then. When that have the head of year interviews, tell me what's happening.
Liz: You mean you want me to listen in?
Simon: Yeah.
Liz: Like I wouldn't anyway!
Simon: Er, if I'm up here, ring through.
Liz: Right, anything else?
Simon: No. Yeah! Er... You're honest to the point of being hurtful, do you think I'm ever two faced, you know, a hypocrite?
Liz: Yeah, of course you are.
Simon: Really?
Liz: Yeah, that's why I like you.
Cut to toilets. All we can see is the outside of the toilet door until the very end of this scene.
Susan: Ten minutes to go.
Simon: Yeah
Susan: "Good luck Susan, hope you get it."
Simon: Sorry?
Susan: Don't tell me you were thinking about sex.
Simon: Sex?
Susan: Men think about it every six second apparently. The other five they try to think about something else until they can think about sex. Again.
Simon: Not all men are obsessed with sex.
Susan: No, some are dead. So, are you gonna tell me what's wrong?
Simon: No. Yeah, do you think I'm a hypocrite?
Susan: In relation to what?
Simon: In relation to... everything.
Susan: Do you want me to lie to make you feel good?
Simon: No.
Susan: Yes.
Simon: I want you to lie.
Susan: No, then.
Susan opens the door and walks leaves.
Simon: Thanks!
Cut to office. Simon walks in.
Simon: You know the drill, yeah?
Liz: I do know how to eavesdrop. I'm a professional.
Carol makes a gross slurping noise as she eats an orange.
Simon: She sounds like the elephant man.
Liz: You should hear her when she eats a Pot Noodle.
Simon: Call me as soon as you've heard, yeah?
Liz: And don't forget my Mars Bar.
Simon leaves, walking past Jenny.
Simon: Nervous?
Jenny: I'm fine. Were you about to wish me luck?
Simon: Goes without saying.
Jenny: That'll be why you haven't said it then.
Clare: (poking her head out of the door) We're running a bit behind. Sorry.
Jenny: No problem.
Clare: By the way, Arnie Lawson. I've decided the talk should be to the whole year.
Simon: Sorry?
Clare: I've had his parents on to me. They don't see why he should be singled out.
Simon: but I...
Clare: They've got a point.
Cut to Clare's office. Clare, Bob and three other man are sitting around the table interviewing Susan.
Clare: Supposing you've got someone who's done something seriously wrong. As head of year, how would you deal with it?
Susan: It... depends what they'd done.
Clare: Threatening behaviour. Violence. Drugs.
Susan: Teacher or pupil? Sorry. Erm... If it was violence I'd make sure I involved you. I think that puts the message out clearly that the school won't tolerate that sort of behaviour.
Bob: What if it was drugs?
Susan: Initially I'd try to deal with it myself. Put myself in their place, tell them I did the same thing when I was young. I might decide to get the parents involved, depending on what they're like. I mean, lets face it, some of them make Genghis Kahn look like a well meaning bloke who just went off the rails a bit. In which case I'd only be making things worse for the pupil.
Everyone leans forward and writes notes.
Cut to Jenny's interview.
Jenny: Rules are there for a reason. Whilst I don't want to come across as some sort of ogre - which I'm not, by the way. I mean I can't watch the Waltons without a box of tissues handy.
She laughs nervously, everyone just looks at her.
Jenny: You've got to let them know who's boss, or they'll just run rings round you. Okay, so you might not win any popularity contests with the kids, but staying in control is what counts.
Cut to back of school. Simon and Arnie are smoking, just normal cigarettes this time.
Arnie: Thanks to Page I've been grounded for a week.
Simon: Women, eh?
Arnie: Well they didn't want to. It was only cos you let it blow up in public they felt they had to do something.
Simon: this drugs talk's for the whole year, not just you. You're off the hook now, you should be grateful.
Arnie: I suppose.
Simon's foot is tapping quickly on the floor.
Arnie: Bit wound up, aren't we?
Simon: No, I'm fine.
A man comes and puts up a ladder in between Simon and Arnie and climbs up it.
Simon: So how's the Sonya situation?
Arnie: Well, I took your advice.
Simon: Did it work?
Arnie: No. But we are back together again.
Simon: Serious stuff then.
Arnie: Yeah. We might get a place together when we've left school.
Simon: What?! You're sixteen for God's sake!
Arnie: So? Don't you live with your girlfriend?
Simon: No, best way, believe me.
Arnie: Why?
Simon: Well, because... its... what everyone expects you to do. It's conventional. I'm just not like that.
Arnie: And what about her?
Simon: Sh-she's not like that either.
Arnie: What is she like?
Simon: She's er... enigmatic.
Arnie: You mean you don't know what the fuck she's on about half the time?
Simon: No, no what I'm saying is that... you just... can't judge a book by its cover, do you know what I mean?
Arnie: No, not really.
Simon: Never mind then. Come on, we've got an anti-drugs talk to attentively listen to.
They both go in.
Cut to hall. All the kids are sitting down for the talk.
Susan: I don't know why Clare's done this, the last people these kids respect are the police.
Simon: Yeah, mind you, some coppers are all right.
Susan: Are you okay?
Simon: Well, one or two then. One maybe. Juliet Bravo, she was all right.
Susan: Except she was a fictional character.
Simon: Well, yeah, but there's probably police women out there just like her. There could be!
Susan: I hate to tell you this, but the Teletubbies aren't real either.
Bob: (To all the kids) Try and act like you haven't heard this all before. You never know, you might actually enjoy it.
Kid: Yeah right!
Everyone stands up as maggie enters the room. When she reaches the front, Clare signals for everyone to sit down.
Cut to the end of the talk.
Maggie: So, ultimately, it won't just be your lives you're affecting. It'll also affect the lives of those around you, the people you love. The bottom line is, I'm not going to tell you to just say no. You have to make your own choices so just make sure that they're the right ones. Okay. That's it.
Everyone claps. Simon looks like he has just woken up.
Clare: Thank you sergeant Peters. I hope you've all taken that in. Okay, off to your next lesson. Quietly, please!
Susan: That was excellent.
Maggie: Thanks. Well done for staying awake.
Simon: It was a pleasure. It was... good.
Maggie: Oh. Good enough to take me for a drink tonight then? (off Susan and Jenny's looks) Oh, sorry, I'm er, I'm Maggie.
Simon: This is Susan, this is Jenny, I'll see you out.
Maggie: Okay, see you later.
Jenny: All that anti authority bullshit and he's going out with a police woman!
Cut to outside.
Simon: What are you doing. Didn't think you were going to tell them who you are!
Maggie: Well I thought you meant your students, I didn't realise you meant your colleagues as well. It's a pity you didn't think I had time to stay and chat.
Simon: Well, I know how busy you are.
Maggie: Exactly. I took time out to come here as a favour to you.
Simon: I know and I'm really grateful. You were, you were brilliant.
Pauline: (Walking past) Do you think she handcuffs him to the bed?
Maggie: I'll see you later, all right?
She goes to kiss him but he pulls back and walks a few paces away.
Simon: So you're up for a drink tonight, yeah?
Maggie: Well, I may have to do overtime actually.
Simon: Well, I'll call you.
Maggie: Yep.
Simon: See you.
Maggie: See you.
She leaves, obviously pissed off.
Cut to office. Jenny and Susan are waiting to find out who's got the job.
Jenny: Did you notice that Simon didn't introduce us to Maggie before? Just whisked her away.
Susan: I don't know why, she seemed really nice.
Jenny: I think I might know why. Maybe I shouldn't say anything.
Susan: Maybe you should.
Jenny: He made a pass at me.
Susan: Oh, that's just Simon, he was only joking.
Jenny: Didn't look like a joke to me.
The buzzer goes and Clare opens her door.
Clare: Do come in.
Liz: (On phone) It's me. The eagles have flown back in the nest. They're in with Clare now! I'll call you later.
She has a bite of her Mars Bar.
Cut to staff room.
Brian: Come on, what is it then? Is it the uniform?
Kurt: Got to be.
Brian: Do you, like, get her to leave it on in bed?
Kurt: Does she wear stockings underneath it?
Simon: Can you just forget about the fact she happens to be a police woman?! She's just a normal female like any of them in here.
Brian and Kurt look around at the 'normal' females on the staff room.
Simon: Well...
The phone rings and he answers it.
Simon: Liz? They're on there way here. Well? What do you mean you don't know who got it!? Liz, don't do this to me!
He bites his Mars bar.
Simon: Sorry? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 'course I got you one. Gotta go.
Clare, Carol, Jenny and Susan walk in. Carol claps to get everyone's attention.
Clare: If you could spare a moment...
Brian: Who's she smiling at?
Simon: It's hard to tell.
Carol is smiling.
Clare: After seeing both candidates, both of whom were excellent, I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly welcome Susan as new head of year.
The last bit of what Clare says is almost drowned out by Simon, Brian and Kurt cheering.
Everyone claps.
Simon: Shall I take you for a celebratory shandy?
Susan: I'm going for a drink with jenny. You can join us if you want.
Simon: Well, save it for another night, yeah? (to Jenny) Bad luck.
Susan and Jenny leave.
Simon: We're saved!
Cut to phone box.
Simon: What time do you finish? Thought I'd spend all my hard earned pittance on a slap up meal.
Maggie: (At her flat) Can't. I told you, I'm working.
Simon: Can't you say you're ill? Rabies or something?
Maggie: Nope, gotta go.
She hangs up.
Susan and Jenny drive up. Susan beeps the horn at Simon.
Susan: Sure you won't come for a drink?
Simon: Err...can't. Got stuff to do.
Jenny: With your police woman? Don't worry Simon, I'm sure it won't affect your street cred.
Loads of kids pile out of the school and start laughing at Simon. He cycles away giving them two fingers as he goes.
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