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Series 1, Episode 1
reveiw | transcript | screencaps | quiz
In the pub. Simon, Kurt, Brian and Susan are sitting around a table
Kurt: Ok I've got one. What if you could swap your head on to someone else's body?
Brian: How about my head onto Jenny's body?
Kurt: Genius! Would you let me have a go? From behind obviously.
Brian: Fuck off!
Kurt: At Least let me have a look at your arse.
Simon: If anybody gets to look at your arse its should be me. It's my birthday.
Susan: I thought we weren't mentioning your birthday.
She snatches something from Simon's hand
Susan: Give that here.
She tries to burn the piece of paper she has taken
Simon: You can't do that! That's symbolic! Look what it says. 'Young person's railcard.'
Brian: Its no use to you any more.
Susan: Aww. You could still pass for twenty six. In a low light.
Brian: It's all down hill from now on.
Kurt: You wanna find yourself someone while it's still all in working order
Simon: Piss off, I got off with a girl last night.
Susan: Name?
Simon: Maggie.
Susan: What does she do?
Simon: Didn't ask.
Brian: Why not?
Simon: Because it doesn't matter. You can't judge someone on what they do!
Kurt: You can some people.
Simon: She's funny and sexy and I really like her.
Kurt: You shagged her yet?
Simon: No.
Brian: Seeing he again?
Simon: Might be.
Kurt: Nice one. Okay, Maggie's head on Jenny's body, or Jenny's head on Maggie's body?
Simon: Oh God, Maggie's head on Jenny's body, definitely. Not that there's anything wrong with Maggie's body, it's just I couldn't cope with Jenny bossing me about all the time.
Susan: All right children. Where are we going next?
Simon: It's my birthday, so you all have to do whatever I want
Cut to somewhere dark, we can't tell where they are yet. Everyone is giggling, the camera pans around until we see a door, everyone is standing outside looking in. The camera moves across to a window. Simon and Kurt run forwards, smashing a ladder through the window.
Cut to Brian and Kurt Helping to lift Susan through the window.
Brian: How can someone so small have such a big arse?
Kurt: Quite nice actually, never noticed before.
Susan: Fuck off!
Kurt and Brian climb through the window after her. Brian lands on Simon and Kurt, making them all fall in a pile on the floor.
They look at a sheep, which bleats at them a few times, then all climb out again.
Simon: Hang on a second, I want a souvenir.
He grabs something off a table and climbs out. They all run away.
Cut to a door opening to reveal Simon standing outside.
Simon: Hiya Maggie, you weren't in bed were you?
Maggie looks non too pleased
Simon: I got you a present,
He holds up a small sculpture of Shakespeare's head, smiling. Maggie smiles back at him.
Cut to tablets been dropped in a glass of water. They start to fizz.
Maggie: You'll need that.
Simon pushes a quilt off him, to reveal his very tired, hung over looking face. he looks at the fizzing tablets, at the Shakespeare head, then sits up. His vision comes back into focus on Maggie's feet, then moves upwards until we see she is dressed as a police woman.
Simon: Are you a strip-o-gram?
Maggie: I'm a police officer
Simon looks panicked, gets out of bed, realizes he is naked and grabs the first thing he sees, the Shakespeare head, to cover himself with.
Simon: I'm late, I've…gotta go
Cut to Simon cycling through the streets of Bristol. He cycles into Summerdown School, where he sees police and police cars. Someone is taking a picture of the window he broke the night before, and the room is full of people taking finger prints etc. There is a flash and we cut back to reality, the room is really full of pupils
.
Liz walks past him
Liz: You're late. You've missed the weekly meeting.
Simon: What's going on?
Liz: One of the little shits broke in. they don't seem to have taken anything, except another lump out of Jenny's sense of humour.
Staff room. Bob walks past.
Bob: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Simon: Morning Bob.
Brian puts down an empty cereal bowl
Brian: Can you get rabies off a sheep bite?
Kurt: Ah, you wanna watch that, mate. They could use it for forensic evidence.
Simon: Will you two shut up?
Susan: (to Simon) You really do look like shit.
Simon: I'll be fine after you make me a coffee.
Brian: I'll have one while you're at it.
Kurt: Tea please.
Susan: Of course, I have tits. I'm better qualified. You haven't got time anyway.
Simon: I'll drink it in class. Two sugars.
Susan: Isn't it a co-incidence that Angie's off sick every time she has 8F?
Simon: Never had the pleasure.
Susan: Thick as shit, but they're quite entertaining.
Jenny walks past, Kurt watched nervously then gets up and pats Brian on the back.
Kurt: Find out if she suspects anything.
Brian: Jenny!
Jenny turns around and walks back, her footsteps echo ominously. She stands and waits for Brian to say something.
Brian: Did you have a good weekend?
Jenny: Only because the promise of this stimulating exchange got me through it. (To Simon) No need to ask what you were up to last night.
She walks away
Simon: Fuck! She knows!
Susan: No she doesn't, you just stink of booze.
Brian: Look at the buttocks on that one.
He and Kurt watch Jenny's arse appreciatively.
Kurt notices something
Kurt: Er, no, no, no.
He and Brian lunge at Susan, Kurt takes the cigarette that she was about to light.
Kurt: You gonna tell her, or shall I?
Susan: Tell me what?
Brian: School's a no smoking building.
He rips the cig in half, looking like he's enjoying himself.
Brian: Clare's new rule. Hahaha
The bell rings and everyone walks out
Simon: You'll be grateful in the long run.
Susan: Who the fuck asked you?
Simon: Has no one ever told you smoking's not big and it's not clever?
Susan: Yes it is. And what about our smoking room?
Kurt: She'll re-name it I suppose. Just call it 'room'.
Clare: Susan!
Susan turns around and flees in the other direction with Simon. They grin at escaping but Clare catches them.
Clare: Susan! Would you mind taking 8F? Angie's sick again.
Simon: They're quite entertaining.
Susan: Bunch of retards. Good luck Susan.
Simon: Good luck Susan.
Susan opens a scary looking door, with frightening noises inside, while Simon walks of, grinning.
Bob: Simon! Simon!
Simon runs away, gets into his classroom full of kids and breathes a sigh of relief.
Simon: Morning scum!
Girl: Good weekend Simon?
Simon: Not bad at all thanks. Arnie, leave that till break. Party on Friday, film on Saturday, birthday yesterday.
General cries of happy birthday
Simon: Thank you very much. Anybody not here?
Kid: Me!
Jeremy: Sir have you managed to mark our English yet sir?
Simon: I just told you, it was my birthday>br>
Kid: How old?
Simon: None of your business . Come on, somebody cheer me up.
Pauline: My mum said she'd give you one.
Simon: Well, that's very generous, but I've never even laid eyes on her.
Other girl: You have, she whistled at you on Friday.
Simon: Your mother?
Pauline: And she's single if you're interested.
Simon: That was your mother?
Other girl: How come you're not married Simon?
Simon: I'm way too young.
Everyone laughs and 'yeah right's. The bell rings.
Simon: What?
Everyone leaves except Jeremy, who takes his time putting everything into his pencil case.
Simon: Come on Jeremy.
He leaves too.
Cut to staff room.
Brian: Bob's always got valium, if you're desperate.
Kurt: And my year twelves can get you some smack, if you threaten them with suspension.
Susan: A cigarette'd do, thank you.
Kurt: But you'd have to inject it, because smoking's banned
Simon: I fancy Pauline Young's mother. That's how old I am. I've started fancying the kid's mothers.
Stephen: Don't worry about it. Another ten years of teaching and you'll go back to looking at the girls.
Simon: Why do I always fancy the most inappropriate people?
Brian: I thought you'd just met some girl you liked.
Simon: Nah, I've decided not to bother.
Kurt: She's got two arms and two legs ain't she?
Simon: Yeah, but I just don't think I'm ready for a girlfriend. I wanna keep my options open for a bit.
Susan: What options? Oh yeah, I forgot. They're queuing round the block.
Simon: I meet women. Women who fancy me. Sometimes.
Susan: 'Course you do.
Liz: (shouting from the door) Simon, a friend here wants you. Says no one else will do.
A kid is peering around the staff room door
Kurt: It it's another suicide attempt, tell him 'he must try harder'.
Simon leaves
Susan holds up her pack of cigarettes.
Susan: Outside, now.
Brian and Kurt get up
Brian: I don't even smoke.
He sits down again.
Cut to smoke filled toilets. A kid is laying on the floor. The Kid hat went for Simon points to him.
Kid: Over there.
Simon: Fucking hell!
Jeremy: I didn't do anything.
Simon: Teddy! What the fuck did you do to him?
Jeremy: It was his idea.
Simon: What was?
Kid: The tattoo.
Simon reads the tattoo on the kid's arm
Simon: Daniel?
Kid: He wanted us to do Daniella
Simon: Daniella Parkhurst? Couldn't he have just done her initials like anyone else?
Kid: We were doing all right until we got to the 'L'. I mean we had to dig around a bit, but, but then the blood just… and Teddy just…
Simon: I'm gonna have to tell Page.
Teddy: Don't Simon, please.
Cut to outside. The pupils are all hanging out on the playground and in the background just about every teacher in the school, plus a few pupils, is smoking. Susan, Brian and Kurt join them and Susan and Kurt light up. The bell rings and everyone drops their cigarettes and goes back in
Cut to Simon's classroom
Simon: The point is you can't help who you fancy. The most unlikely person can pop up and before you know it you're thinking about them all the time. Same with Romeo and Juliet. They were compelled to love each other even though everybody said it was wrong. You can't choose who you fall in love with.
Girl: Didn't need to kill themselves over it
Simon: The only thing they ever wanted was to be together. They passionately believed in what they had. This was their ultimate dream.
Boy: They would have got over it.
Simon: They wanted to do things their own way. The more they were forbidden, the more they wanted to fight for it. Have you never felt the urge to rebel?
He takes a pupil's text book from her and puts it down.
Jeremy: Miss Page's class is just reading the text.
Simon: There's plenty of time for that.
Jeremy: I'm only saying that…
Simon: All right, there must be something you've always wanted. Something you've dreamed of with passion, that nobody could ever take away from you. Something you'd sacrifice everything for.
Boy: I would quite like to play for Bristol City.
Simon: You are one very sad individual. How about owning Man United?
(Cheers.)
Girl: I'd quite like to have sex with Ryan Giggs please!
Simon: That's more like it! And I'll throw in the whole of the first team since you asked so nicely.
He writes 'own Man U' and 'Shag Giggs' on the board.
Simon: Can I interest anyone in the Australian women's beach volleyball squad?
Everyone is cheering, Jenny hears the noise from her classroom next door.
Girl: I want you to teach me all of my classes!
Boy: I want you to be headmaster! In fact, I want to be you Simon!
Simon revels in all the praise.
Girl: You are the best teacher ever! Much better than that frigid teaching machine next door. Mind you, she has got a nice arse.
Everyone: Simon, Simon, Simon!
Everyone is standing up and cheering, then suddenly it stops and goes quiet. We see that everyone is really still sitting down, and Jenny has entered the room.
Jenny: Do you think you could make some more noise? Only my class is finding it too easy to concentrate. She leaves, leaving Simon looking distinctly embarrassed.
Girl: Don't worry Simon, she talks to us like that too.
Cut to corridor after class. Pupils are noisily running out of Simon's class.
Jenny: Quiet please! No need to rush!
Simon: Come on, slow it down.
Girl: Bye Sir, thank you
Simon: (to Jenny) Do you think you could undermine me a little bit more in front of my class? Only I don't feel enough of a twat yet.
Jenny: Grow up Simon. Oh, and if by any chance you happen to know where Shakespeare's head is, I'd like it back please. It it's not too much trouble.
Cut to staff room
Simon: She definitely knows
Susan: Who knows what?
Simon: Jenny. She knows it was us. Well me, and she's power mad and she hates me, and now she's gonna get me sacked.
Susan: What we did was childish, it was hardly a sackable offence. Look, if you like I'll go and apologise to her for all of us.
Simon: No! Because then she really will know it was me and she'll hold it over me for the rest of my like. You know what she's like.
Susan: What is your obsession with Jenny?
Simon: I'm not obsessed. She's obsessed with me.
Kurt: Let's pub.
Steven: Did somebody call for me?
Simon: My dad's got a client coming round he wants to impress, so I said I'd cook dinner for him.
Kurt: And that's going to impress?
Simon: Oh fuck it, I'll come for one.
Clare: (entering staff room) I'm just wondering why Teddy Randall left school early.
Simon: Er, I think he said he had an urgent orthodontal appointment.
Clare: Mmm, make sure Liz gets his slip. (she leaves)
Susan: Why so you have to lie all the time?
Liz: I'm sorry to interrupt but your leader wishes it to be known she's moving your directive time to end of every Friday from now on.
Everyone: Oh for fuck's sake!
Liz: I‘m only the messenger. (she leaves)
Susan: Liz has got kids. Does that mean you fancy her?
Kurt: Your serve, quick.
Simon: Oh no way, not now.
Kurt: You have to, come on. Jenny!
Simon: Oh for fuck's sake!
Kurt: Simon wants you.
She walks toward them
Simon: Er... we're all going to the pub. Do you fancy one?
Jenny: That would be lovely, but right now I'd rather nail my own head to the table.
Simon: Fair enough.
She walks away and Simon, Kurt and Brian appreciate the view.
Kurt: Two meters unobstructed view. Tremendous.
Brian: Well played.
Susan: Jenny!
She turns around again, the guys run off quickly.
Susan: It's all right, I'll ask you another time.
Cut to outside pub, it's dark and Simon rides away on his bike. He cycles home.
Cut to Simon's dad's house. Simon's dad is chopping vegetables, Simon walks in,
Simon's dad: Where the fuck have you been? You were supposed to be here hours ago.
Simon: Union meeting.
Simon's dad: Yeah, in the pub?
Simon: I'm here now aren't I? Just as well by the looks of it.
The doorbell rings and Simon's dad goes to answer it.
Simon's dad: You are the most unreliable, untrustworthy little shit!
Simon: Fine, you obviously don't need my help then.
Simon's dad: Hi, come on in.
Woman: Hi, how are you doing?
Simon's dad: Marcella, this is Simon.
Marcella: Hi.
Simon looks at Marcella and is obviously impressed. He starts cooking.
Cut to living room
Simon: Hiya
Marcella: Hi
Simon: I just got some dips.
Marcella: Fantastic.
Cut to kitchen. Simon goes back to cooking.
Cut to living room.
Simon: Would you like a touch more wine?
Marcella: Fabulous, thanks.
Simon and his dad clear up the mess in the dining room, while Marcella drinks wine. Simon changes his now food stained shirt.
Cut to dining room after the meal.
Marcella: Mmm, that was fantastic
Simon/Simon's dad: Thanks
Simon's dad stands up, then pauses for a second.
Simon's dad: Brandy!
He leaves.
Marcella: It's really nice to get to meet you at last.
Simon smiles and imagines laying next to her in bed.
Simon: Yeah, yeah, you too.
Marcella: I'm sure it won't be the last time.
Simon: Great!
He imagines them in bed together again, this time with him smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied look on his face.
Simon: Great, how about next weekend, maybe. If you're busy or…maybe not. The weekend after would be…
Simon's dad walks back in, without the brandy.
Simon: Couldn't you find it?
Marcella: I think this might be a good time to mention the other thing.
Simon's dad: Right. The thing.
Simon: I told you, the brandy's under the stairs with the rest of the booze.
Simon's dad: What? Ah yes I know, it's just that we're getting married.
Simon: What? Who?
Simon's dad: Marcella and me… I and Marcella… Marcella and I!
Simon imagines himself in bed next to Marcella again, this time the camera moves across to show Simon's dad on the other side of Marcella, They kiss while Simon watches.
Simon: Brilliant.
Cut to Simon's bedroom later that night. He is in bed listening to music on his headphones. We can only hear the music. Simon realises the things in his room are shaking and looks around, puzzled. When things start falling off the shelves and plaster drops down from the ceiling, he takes the headphones off and hears springs creaking and moaning coming from his Dad's room.
Simon: Oh fuck off!
Things start falling down all over his room, Simon runs away.
Cut too a door opening to reveal Simon standing outside.
Simon: Surprise.
Maggie: Not really. Erm, are you entirely nocturnal?
Simon: I just felt a sudden impulse.
She smiles.
Cut to Maggie's bed, she and Simon are having a go at rocking the room themselves. Then Simon imagines Marcella on top of him instead of Maggie and shoves her off, standing up and looking very freaked out.
Maggie: Perfect.
She turns over and lies down
Maggie: You know where the sofa is.
Cut to Maggie's bathroom. Simon examines his face in the mirror as he had a pee, looking for wrinkles around his eyes. He pulls the flush, puts the toilet lid down and reaches for a bag on the floor. He examines the contents, it's Maggie's toiletries and stuff, and pulls out some kind of creme. He applies it thickly to his cheeks like some kind of bizarre war paint as the door opens and Maggie walks in, dressed ready for work.
Maggie: So, how was the sofa?
Simon: Short and hard.
Maggie: I bought it specially.
There is an uncomfortable silence.
Maggie: Right, well, I'm going to work.
Simon: See you again maybe.
She leaves and he puts the creme back in the bag and puts it down.
Cut to photocopying room.
Susan: Doesn't surprise me at all. He's an attractive man.
Simon: Don't be ridiculous! He's my dad!
Susan: So he's not allowed a libido?
Simon: Not one I have to listen to, no, and that's not the point. I made a pass at my new mother.
Jenny walks past.
Jenny: Doing Oedipus now, are we?
Susan giggles
Susan: so you're jealous of him.
Simon: No I'm not. I was only being... friendly
Susan: Sounds like a classic case of denial.
Simon: Bollocks is it! He's only known her a little while, he doesn't have to marry her.
Susan: So it's your commitment phobia we're dealing with. You're projecting your own fears onto your dad.
Simon: It's not that complex. He's making a big mistake, she's too young for him.
Susan: But not too old for you? Is this where your older woman fetish has come from?
Simon: I do not have a thing about older women.
Susan: Well, it's one of three things. One you're jealous of your dad. Two, you're having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you fancy older women. Of three, and probably most likely, you're disturbed by the fact that you no longer see these women as older, which means you see yourself as a similar age to them, and that frightens you and makes you act like a teenager.
Simon: You're a teacher, not a therapist.
Susan: I teach psychology.
Simon: To sixteen year olds.
Susan leaves. Simon sees Bob approaching.
Simon: Oh God!
Bob: I need those essay marks today, Simon. I can't wait any longer.
Simon: Yes, I've done them, I'll bring them to you later.
Bob sees Clare approaching.
Bob: Oh God!
Clare: I need your department averages Bob.
Bob: Yes, I've done them, I'll bring them to you later.
Clare: Good man.
Bob and Simon share a look.
Carol claps to get everyone's attention.
Clare: (to everyone in the staff room) Teddy Randall's mother's just been on the phone. It seems he tries tattooing himself at break time yesterday and ended up in casualty with a septic arm. I'm sure all this could have been avoided had he been given proper medical attention in school. It's not in anyone's interests for parents to think we can't control our students, so in future any accidents should be reported immediately to the year heads.
Jenny gives Simon a look.
Clare: The upshot of all this is I want to ban tattooing, and to insist that all nose, eyebrow, lip and tongue rings are removed in school.
The bell rings.
Clare: As soon as possible please.
Susan: You covered for a kid who carved up his own arm?
Simon: He was just messing about. We all did it once.
Susan: I didn't.
Simon: I did, well I pierced my ear, but I did it myself.
Jenny: Why didn't you tell me about Teddy?
Simon: Why do you think?
Jenny: He's in my tutor group, he's my responsibility and I should have dealt with it.
Simon: Me, me, me, me, me. Look, he didn't want me to tell you, all right?
Jenny: Oh, well that's all right then, as long as we're doing what the students want.
Simon: I'm not going to stop them expressing themselves.
Jenny jabs at him with both hands and as she touches him there is a hissing noise as though her touch burns him.
Jenny: Next time you feel the need to encourage a child to risk their health, discuss it with me first. I may only be acting year head but at least I could point you in the right direction for the hospital.
She leaves.
Susan: You do know you're making a dick of yourself?
Cut to outside school. The bell rings and kids run out of the building. The camera moves upwards to a balcony type thing. Susan and Simon walk out onto it and Susan lights up. Clare watches from below.
Susan: Don't look at me like that, it's your rule.
Simon: (who has a cup of tea and a biscuit) If I'm being a dickhead it's because she makes me behave like a dickhead. She brings out the worst in me.
Susan: you fancy her.
Simon: I do now! I couldn't! No waaaay!
Susan: It's not just the age thing, it's women in authority you have a thing about. Does Clare do it for you as well?
Simon: Oh, I'm gonna be sick!
Susan: It all makes sense. Your new mum, Pauline Young's mother, Jenny, and I bet Maggie fits in there somehow.
Simon: Bollocks.
Susan: You'd be a lot happier if you'd just admit that you identify with these people, because you've a lot in common with them.
Simon: But I don't want to!
Susan: You sound like one of the kids.
Simon: That's why they like me.
Susan: You're supposed to be a reliable adult role model.
Simon: You're supposed to be nice to me. That's what you're for.
Susan: I am being nice to you. In this case being nice to you means pointing out that you're behaving like a complete tosser.
The bell rings again Susan flicks her cigarette away and a kid yells ow. Susan walks away, Simon stays sitting there for a moment looking thoughtful, then straightens his tie.
Cut to Simon's classroom. The kids are all talking.
Simon: Be quiet.
No response
Simon: QUIET!!
Everyone shuts up.
Simon: It's school policy so come on, everyone take 'em all off.
Everyone groans as Simon walks around the classroom collecting people's piercing and stuff.
Simon: Take ‘em off! I mean it Pauline.
Pauline takes out her nose ring.
Jeremy: It there any chance of those essays yet sir?
Simon: What is your big hurry with those essays?
Jeremy: I'm worried that you're getting left behind. We should be moving on to the next assignment.
Simon: Look, I'm not giving them to you now, all right 'cause I have a different plan for today. Turn to act three, scene two. Tanya read the soliloquy.
Tanya: The what?
Simon: The big speech.
Pauline and her friend are giggling
Simon: Oi!
Boy: Time of the month Simon?
Simon: This is important, there's always exam questions on this bit.
Kid: Is this all we're gonna do?
Simon: This is what we're supposed to be doing. Tanya.
More giggling.
Simon: PAULINE!!
Cut to Simon's room after class.
Simon: What was all that about?
Pauline: Where?
Simon: Here.
Pauline: When?
Simon: Don't arse me about. What's going on with you lot?
Pauline: Oh, it's about that new rule. Cheryl said I should tell you.
Simon: Tell me what?
Pauline: Just that I have a pierced nipple.
She starts undoing her top. Simon looks uncomfortable.
Simon: That's against school policy.
Pauline: What, are you gonna…make me take it out?
Simon: No, but just don't go getting any other... things... done.
Pauline: I'm getting a tattoo done next week. You wanna see where?
She sits down on the table and lets her shoe fall onto the floor, holding her leg out, giving Simon a good view. Simon Rushes out into the corridor, running past Jenny.
Jenny: What is it? Should I put the paramedics on standby?
Simon: No, no, no, no, I just realised it was lunch time and I'm very hungry. Are…are you? (to Pauline) And don't let that happen again!
Pauline: What sir?
Simon: Chewing gum in class, can you believe that?
Jenny: Barely
Pauline: I err… hope you'll be keeping me behind for a private session again tomorrow. Simon.
She walks off.
Simon: She doesn't mean… Wouldn't, wouldn't dream of... Well, not in school. Or anywhere...
Jenny: Don't worry, I don't believe for a second that there's the slightest possibility of anyone, let alone a student, succumbing to your charms.
She walks away, Simon leaves in the opposite direction, wiping his brow on his sleeve.
He goes into the dining hall, then turns around to be confronted with bob.
Simon: Oh God!
Bob: You said today Simon.
Simon: I'm sorry Bob, I've done them but I left them at home. In the morning, I promise.
Bob: If only life was a little less predictable, eh?
Simon sits down at a table with everyone else.
Susan: Have you lost them?
Simon: No, they are at home.
Susan: Oh God, that was the truth?
Simon: That bit, yeah, but I haven't marked them yet.
Steven: He only wants a list of numbers, why don't you just make 'em up?
Simon: No, I wanna do it right.
Kurt: Weird.
Simon: This is all your fault.
Susan: What now?
Simon: You practise your cod psychology on me and the next thing I know I'm teaching by the book. The kids all hate me and they're not taking a blind bit of notice of anything I say.
Steven: Welcome to my world
Kurt: It's stick and carrot mate, shut up for half a lesson, look at Celebrity Arses website the other half a lesson. That kind of thing.
Simon: That's really useful, thanks.
Brian: It's all about showing them who's in charge. You're the grown up.
Susan: Ha!
Brian: All right, you're the one with the degree. Once they realise you're not gonna take any shit from them, they'll respect you for it. Kids need to know where the boundaries are.
Simon: You're right.
Susan: You're taking advice from a PE teacher?
He leaves and they all turn to watch him go, as the do, seeing Carol bending over.
Brian: Carol or Liz? And death is not an option.
Kurt: Well Liz has a certain maturity, but Carol, I have to say, does have an appealing wildness about the eyes.
Liz and Carol walk up
Liz: More glad tidings to impart from the offices of Mrs. Hunter. As from today teachers are no longer allowed to smoke anywhere on school premises. Don't want to give you students confusing signals, do we? Susan.
Cut to outside, Simon walks over to Pauline and a group of her friends talking on the playing field.
Simon: Pauline. Pauline! I need a word.
Pauline: Yeah, what?
Simon: In private.
She walks after him slowly
Simon: Come on!
All Pauline's friends: Woooh!
They walk across the field to near the school building.
Simon: Stand there. You were well out of order earlier.
Pauline: What did I do?
Simon: Talking to me like that in front of Miss Page, and that…skirt business.
Pauline: So why did you cover for me?
Simon: 'Cause you could have got us both in the shit, and you're far to young to get a tattoo.
Pauline: That is none of your business.
Simon: It is now ‘cause you told me about it. I'm trying to stop you making a mistake.
Pauline: yeah, well I'm really gonna take advice from you.
Simon: I could sent you to see Mrs. Hunter.
Pauline: Go on then.
Simon: Look, I'm the adult here, I'm the one with the degree and I'm telling you, don't do it.
Pauline: Oh fuck off.
Cut to pub that night.
Stephen: Well I don't trust anybody who smiles as much as Clare does. I mean she's very good at giving the illusion of democracy, but she dun't fool me. God no! We're not teachers any more. I prefer it the way it used to be, when teachers just new stuff and they had to educate kids. Now the stuff keeps getting changed. Nobody knows who knows what any more.
Everyone looks bored stiff.
Kurt: Can we please talk about sex or football?
Simon: Maybe I never had control. They definitely don't respect me any more, maybe they never did.
Susan: Who doesn't respect you now?
Simon: Pauline "Oh fuck off" Young.
Kurt: Pauline "oh fuck off" Young or Nicola Coleman?
Simon: Who's Nicola Coleman?
Kurt: Nicola "It's glandular" Coleman. Fat girl, year twelve.
Simon: I can't do this now, I've got books to mark.
He leaves, everyone watches surprised.
Cut to Simon's house. He walks in, picks up the books. His dad walks in.
Simon's dad: What a drink?
Simon: I've got work to do.
Simon's dad: Everything all right?
Simon: Why wouldn't it be?
Simon's dad: Well I suppose this all must seem a bit sudden.
Simon: Well you haven't been with a woman for years and then the first one comes along...
Simon's dad: She's not the first. I don't have to tell you everything.
Simon: But you don't tell me anything.
Simon's dad: I was... We were concerned that people might disapprove. We haven't been together very long and there are other factors involved.
Simon: What other factors?
Simon's dad: Marcella's daughter. Your new...
Simon: Sister. Perfect.
Simon's dad: She's four.
Simon: So now you're gonna have a wife and a baby?
Simon's dad: It's called commitment, but I wouldn't expect you to...
Simon: Oh here we go!
Simon's dad: If you don't know what to do with you life or who to do it with, that's your problem. I do.
Marcella: Sorry, should I come back later?
Simon: I'm going out.
Cut to pub. Simon walks in with his books.
Brian: Your shout.
Simon: You get them in. I need these done for yesterday.
Kurt: Do you mind? This is our place for fun and recreation.
Simon: I thought it would be a good supportive atmosphere.
Susan: You've got nowhere else to go, have you?
Simon: And you have?
Susan: Let me see, I have a lovely house I share with my lovely husband.
Kurt: Me too.
He pats the leg of a worried looking Brian.
Simon: Look, can you just talk amongst yourselves for a bit, I'm trying my best here.
Susan: Did I tell you? Jenny came to see me. She was really upset about the sheep.
Kurt: Yeah, Liz said that Jenny said that Clare said that she's positive it's Simon, but until the forensics come back there's still no proof.
Susan: then Jenny said that part of the reason she was so upset is that she's always thought that she and Simon…
Simon: All right! I give in. but you've gotta help me finish these.
Brian: How much?
Simon: Half a pint a book.
He throws books to everyone.
Simon: Fuck it, make it a 'C+', his handwritings neat.
Kurt: How can you give that an 'A'?
Simon: He's great, he gets right in there in every debate.
Susan: hat good it that if you can't write a coherent sentence?
Simon: I'm teaching them to think.
Kurt: It's not healthy.
Susan: Finally Pauline "Oh fuck off" Young. C-
Simon: Bitch. Make it a D.
Susan: Glad to see you haven't lost your objectivity. So, this'll be the new you then, will it?
Simon: How do you mean?
Susan: The new "I'm gonna grow up and be a good role model" you.
Simon: Yeah, it wasn't working, I'm better the way I was.
Cut to outside.
Brian: See you tomorrow
Susan: Night. Night. night.
Simon follows Susan.
Susan: Where do you think you're going?
Simon: I don't want to listen to my dad shagging, can I stay with you and Peter?
Susan: No. Good night.
Simon: (to Kurt and Brian who are peeing against a wall) Lads?
Kurt and Brian: No!
Cut to outside Maggie's flat. Simon rings the doorbell. She opens the door after a while.
Maggie: Oh. It's you.
Simon gives her a huge drunken grin and she slams the door in his face and turns the light off.
Cut to inside Maggie's flat, she is making a cup of tea.
Maggie: You can't just keep turning up in the middle of the night when you haven't got anywhere else to go.
Simon: I don't. I'm here because I wanna be. I wanted to see you again.
Maggie: Why?
Simon: It's just... well I haven't seen you for a bit. (she hands him a cup) Cheers. And I haven't got you phone number and I... I like you.
Maggie: You came round for a shag.
Simon: No.
Maggie: Oh, so you came round for a chat?
Simon: Yeah.
Maggie: Go on then.
There is an uncomfortable pause.
Simon: So, er…how are the latest crime statistics?
Maggie: Well obviously, being a police officer I wouldn't be interested in anything else. At midnight. Look, Simon. Is there a reason why you only turn up in the middle of the night when I'm haven't got my uniform on? I mean are you on the most wanted list, or do you have a problem with my job?
Simon: No, I haven't got a problem with your...
Maggie: Just out of interest, what do you do?
Simon: I'm a… I work in a school.
Long pause
Simon: I'm a teacher.
Maggie: Oh, you rebel. You... you anarchist.
Simon: All right.
Maggie: well what.s the difference between what you do and what I do? We both walk around telling people what to do all day except your people are smaller.
Simon: I don't tell people what to do all day.
Maggie: Well you do if you're doing it properly.
Simon: Bollocks, teachings not just about bossing people about.
Maggie: Oh bless.
Simon: Can I sleep on your sofa?
Maggie: No, look Simon. You're really nice but I'm not even sure I want a relationship at the moment. Particularly not with someone who's behaviour gets more bizarre and erratic every day.
Simon: Neither do I.
Maggie: Good. Fuck off home then.
Cut to outside Simon's house. The toilet flushes and his bike falls over.
Cut to inside Simon's bathroom. Simon takes an ear ring and forces it through his ear. He screams.
Cut to Simon and Susan walking into school.
Susan: Surely you can see that this is just embarrassing.
Cut to inside school
Jenny: Are you doing Treasure Island this week or just having a mid life crisis?
Simon: I fucking hate her! She's such a narrow minded conformist little careerist. And she's so mature.
Susan: What an insult. You know why you get so worked up about her, don't you?
Simon: Not this again.
Susan: It's a well known psychological principal, there's a very thin line between love and hate.
Simon: You're sick.
Cut to Simon's classroom
Kid: Hey hey hey hey, it's Shane Richie!
Other Kid: My God, is it 1992 already?
Simon: Leave me alone, I like it.
Pauline: Yeah, well you're the only one.
Simon: I don't give a shit.
Kid: (re essays) Who marked these Simon?
Simon: Who do you think?
Jeremy: Well this isn't your handwriting.
Simon: It is a good mark?
Jeremy: A*
Kid: B-!
Simon: Well it'll be a lot less if you don't shut up! (To Pauline) Forget what I said about the tattoo, you do whatever makes you happy. (to everyone) Right, clear a space, desks up against the wall, we're gonna need some room to do this. Who wants to be Romeo?
All the boys put their hands up yelling me me me.
Simon: Anyone who wants to be bored shitless can go next door and see miss Page.
Cut to Bob's office, he looks out of the door and sees Simon walking past.
Bob: Simon! Simon! Last chance.
Simon: You're not gonna believe this Bob...
Bob looks very annoyed
Simon gives him a sheet of paper
Simon: All present and correct.
Bob: Yeah, but very late.
Simon: They're done now, aren't they?
Bob: Simon. Why is everything a battle with you?
Simon: I don't know if you've noticed, but its hell out...
Jenny walks past
Bob: Oh Jenny, Can I…
She grabs Simon and pulls him after her.
Jenny: Word has it you think my classes are boring.
Simon: I never said anything. Did I?
Jenny: No! You wouldn't have dreamt of shouting that out in front of your whole class, would you?
Simon: Right, well, that's not exactly what I said, I was just comparing how we do things, sort of.
Jenny: Don't you ever discuss me or any other teacher with your class again.
Simon: Well don't talk to me like I'm one of your students!
Jenny: I'll talk to you however I please if you're going to call my professionalism into question. Not that you're in any position to comment on anything in that arena.
Simon: What's that supposed to mean?
Jenny: It means that while you're playing at being a teacher, some of us are trying to do the job properly.
Simon: Well maybe I don't get turned on ticking boxes and filling out forms like you do, but at least I try to teach them in a way they like.
Jenny: It's not supposed to be entertainment!
Simon: Not in your class anyway.
Jenny: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Simon: I'm someone who at least has a go at being on their wavelength.
Jenny: So that's why the pathetic little act of defiance (she points to his ear ring)
Simon: At least I don't seem like a cold, miserable uptight bitch!
Jenny: Go on then, spew it all out, get it off your puffed up macho chest. What's really on your mind?
Simon: I really wanna sleep with you.
Jenny looks shocked and everything pauses, Simon sighs and the scene rewinds.
Simon: I really wanna sleep with you.
Same thing happens again.
Simon: Oh what the hell. I really wanna sleep with you.
Jenny: That's useful to know.
She walks off. Simon looks pissed off, then yanks the ear ring out of his ear. He screams.
Cut to toilets. Susan and Simon light cigarettes.
Susan: What are you doing? If this is a cry for help, forget it.
Simon: I'm way beyond help. I just had a big fight with Jenny and I said something I shouldn't have, and it's your fault because you put the idea in my head in the first place.
Susan: What did you say to her?
Simon: What do you think?
Susan: You didn't? Simon, you never usually take any notice of anything I say, what's the matter with you?
Simon: I know, I'm confused.
Susan: About Jenny?
Simon: No about everything. Do you think I'm having a mid-life crisis?
Susan: you're 27.
Simon: Yeah, but I might only live till I'm 54.
Susan: Look, the truth is you've had a birthday and you're a bit wobbly. You're looking at your life. you're living with your dad, you're doing a job you don't know whether you wanna do and your emotional lif's a disaster.
Simon: When you put it like that I don't know what I'm worried about.
Susan: You're running about from crisis to crisis without ever thinking, "How can I do something about the bigger picture?"
Simon: So what do you suggest?
Susan: Well, if you're really fed up living with your dad you could start looking for a flat, though I suspect it rather suits you, though I suspect it rather suits you. Your job - you're probably better off when you don't listen to me and just get on with it, but your love life, that's obvious. You're flitting about from woman to woman acting like a complete dickhead.
She flicks his sore ear
Simon: Ow!
Susan: But, er, where do you end up every night? Think about it.
The bell rings and they flush their cigarettes and leave. Outside the cubical a woman is washing her hands.
Susan: Don't worry, we weren't smoking. We just nipped in for a quick shag.
Cut to Simon ringing Maggie's doorbell. During the day this time too. She answers.
Maggie: Oh my God. I've just never seen you in daylight before.
Simon: I've never seen you sober before. I mean, I mean I've never been sober when I've seen you before.
Maggie: So what do you want?
Simon: Well, I wanted to come round once more just to show you that I can be normal. And that I'm not only interested in coming round when I've got nowhere else to stay, and that I'm not worried about you being a police woman.
Maggie: Officer.
Simon: Officer, and I know you're not interested in having a relationship but neither am I, so I was just thinking that maybe we could both not have a relationship. With each other. Together.
Maggie: I think I preferred you pissed.
Simon: It can be arranged.
Maggie: So do you wanna come in?
Simon: Only if you really want me to.
Maggie: I just said, didn't I?
Simon: I know but I won't be making a nuisance of myself?
Maggie: Oh shut up now before I change my mind.
Cut to Maggie's bed. Simon examines the Shakespeare head.
Maggie: Did you nick that?
Simon: Eh?
Maggie: Joke.
They kiss.
Simon: So can I stay the night?
Maggie: Yes. I'm on nights though, so I'll see you in the morning, okay?
Cut to Simon in Maggie's flat. He looks at her make up, plays with her hairdryer etc. The phone rings, Simon ignores it.
Answerphone: Hi, this is Maggie, er, leave a message.
It beeps.
Maggie: Er, Simon, it's me. Erm, I'm running late and if you're still there you're running late. Oh, and, er, stop poking round my stuff.
Cut to school
Kurt: So, tell her about the sheep?
Simon: Sorry, I'm not with you mate.
Kurt: Your fight with Jenny, everyone's talking about it. I heard you told her to go fuck herself.
Simon: No, I just told her what I really think of her.
Kurt: Buttocks and everything?
Simon: I simply said she had to sort herself out. She can't go on like a teaching machine
Kurt: How'd she take it?
Simon: In the spirit it was intended, so that's it. Over and done with. Air cleared.
Susan smiles at Simon and Kurt smiles knowingly to himself.
Cut to back of school. Three pupils are smoking.
Susan: You, you and you. Hand them over.
They do.
Kurt: Stupid!
Kid: Tosser.
Susan, Simon and Kurt take over smoking the cigarettes.
Brian walks up.
Brian: Evan Maggs, see me after lunch. We lost on penalties in the semi final.
Kurt: I'm sure if you look hard enough you'll find someone around here who gives a shit.
Brian: Janey Collins missed one.
Susan: Janey? Who had anorexia?
Brian: Stupid fat fuck.
Simon: You came all the way out here just to tell us that?
Brian: No. Boss wants to see you. Urgent.
Simon leaves.
Cut to outside Clare's office.
Liz: You might as well tell me, I'll find out later anyway. Whatever it is, she's fucking furious.
Simon: I'm not worried, I've done nothing wrong.
Clare's buzzer goes.
Simon and Jenny go in.
Cut to inside Clare's office.
Simon: I can relate to the students directly. I have a talent for it. I can understand how they think and how they feel, and how their imaginations work. I like it and they like it. Maybe it's because I'm closer to them than I ever could be to either of you and your conservative little lives, but I'm doing this my way, and if you don't like it…you know what you can do about it.
Cut to Clare's office, the real scene. Simon and Jenny are sitting silently.
Clare: Have neither of you got anything to say for yourselves? I don't know what's going on between you two, but I do know that whatever it is, outbursts like that should never happen in public. There's obviously a personal dimension to this which is now spilling into your work and that makes it my concern. Has anything happened that could affect your working relationship?
Simon: Er, well, I…
Jenny: Nothing of any significance.
Clare: This doesn't have anything to do with that... sheep incident, does it?
Jenny: We disagree on teaching methods.
Clare: Well your record is consistently good, Jenny. And yours Simon, is, well, consistent. So, what's the problem?
Jenny: His methods are obstructive to my classes.
Simon: I think we should do more stuff that's interesting.
Clare: You're paid to teach the syllabus to the best of your ability, Simon. I want to use your energy, I really do, but I don't think you're in a position to do anything except…get on with it. And next time you feel the need to brawl in public, perhaps you could do it in your own time. Both of you. Thank you.
She presses the buzzer.
Cut to outside Clare's office
Simon: Phew, I thought we were in for a right bollocking back there.
Jenny: It all flows right over you, doesn't it.
Simon: You don't need to take it so seriously, it could have been much worse.
Jenny: Yes, maybe next time I'll tell her what you actually said.
Simon: I didn't really mean it, you know, what I said. It was the head of the moment.
Jenny: You are a self centred, egotistical liar with your head up your arse and your brains in your dick! But I don't really mean it. Heat of the moment.
She walks off and Simon watches her arse again.
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