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[Setting: - Brian, Kurt, Simon, Susan, Alec and Jenny are in the pub.]

Simon: So you're killing Carol, shagging Penny and marrying Clare.
Brian: Why the fuck would you marry Clare?
Kurt: Cos she earns more than me.
Simon: Your turn, OI! Do you wanna play this or not?
Jenny: Sorry is it my round?
Simon: Of the game yeah.
Kurt: How about Bob, JP and Me?
Alec: We have to do what exactly?
Kurt: You don't have to do anything.
Brian: Jenny has to choose who she'd shag, who she'd kill, who she'd marry.
Alec: Ah I'm with you.
Simon: It's too easy this one.
Jenny: Bob, obviously I'd kill.
Alec: Obviously.
Kurt: And you can't shag JP so...
Jenny: Why couldn't I shag JP?
Brian: Cos he wouldn't like it very much would he
Kurt: He couldn't do it, not with a woman
Alec: I'm sure he'd make and exception in your case.
Kurt: OI! Are you shagging me or JP?
Jenny: Neither, I'm going home to shag Alec. (To Susan) Want to come with us in the car?
Susan: I might have one more.
Simon: I could give you a backie on my bike.
Susan: Well... maybe two or three.
Jenny: OK see you later.
Alec: Bye.

[Brian and Kurt signal goodbye]

Simon: See ya

[Alec and Jenny leave]

Susan: Tell me I was never like that with Peter.
Kurt: You were never like that with Peter.
Brian: Like what?
Susan: Well... all over each other being, you know nauseating.
Brian: Who's nauseating?
Susan: Alec is and Jenny's on her way.
Kurt: It's one of the rules of being in a relationship.
Brian: What is?
Kurt: Turn into a tosser.
Simon: Unless you're a tosser to start off with.
Susan: It was great when it was just me and Jenny.
Brian: So is it Alec you don't like or having to share the flat with someone else?
Susan: It's what he's doing to Jenny.
Kurt: Shagging her.
Susan: Turning her into a twat.
Brian: She's not a twat, never has been never will. Certainly wasn't when I shagged her.
Simon: You don't think that was the most twattiest thing she's ever done in her entire life?
Brian: [long pause] No.

Cut to Simon and Susan riding a bike through a rainy Bristol in the dark.

[Setting: Inside the flat that Jenny shares with Susan] - Susan enters the sitting room where Alec and Jenny are kissing passionately - they don't stop in her presence.

Susan: Anything on telly?

[Alec and Jenny ignore her and carry on kissing]

Susan: Mind if I watch something?

[Noise from television]

Susan: Well, don't know about you but I'm... knackered. Good Night

[Setting: Brian and Kurt's flat]

Brian: You know what's wrong with Susan...
Kurt: Thrush?
Brian: Antisocial - she's fundamentally unsuited to sharing a flat with anyone.
Kurt: I'm not, I like it.
Brian: So do I mate.

[JP and another guy enter]

JP: Hey.
Brian: All right?
Kurt: Did you have a nice time?
JP: Not bad - this is Vince. Brian, Kurt.
Vince: All right?
JP: (To Vince) Do you fancy a drink?
Vince: Sure.
Brian: I'll get you one. Sorry, what would you like? There's lager or... what else?
Kurt: Just lager.
Brian: Just lager - would you like some? It's no bother.
Vince: Yeah thanks

[There is an awkward silence]

Kurt: Oh God, you probably want to go to bed.
JP: No.
Kurt: I'll piss off and let you get on with it.
Brian: (returning with he drink) Sorry, it's a bit warm.
Kurt: They're going to bed.
Brian: What?
JP: We're not.
Vince: (sighs) I think I better be going eh?
Brian: [to Kurt] What have you done?
Kurt: Me?
Brian: You must have said something?
Kurt: I didn't.

[Morning - Jenny's and Susan's flat]

Susan walks to the bathroom door but the door is locked because it is occupied by Alec

Jenny: Morning.
Susan: Hi.
Jenny: Are you OK?
Susan: Fine.
Jenny: Alec thought you might have felt a bit excluded last night when we went off.
Susan: No.
Jenny: He thought he might have upset you again?
Susan: What do you mean again?
Jenny: He's worried about you that's all.
Susan: Well he shouldn't be I'm none of his business.
Jenny: Don't get defensive.
Susan: Who's defensive, I'm just saying I'm happy I'm fine - very happy don't I look very happy?

[Flushing in bathroom]

Jenny: You go next; I'm not going into work today.
Susan: Oh are you ill?
Jenny: That's what I'm telling Clare - food poisoning if she asks.
Susan: and what's really wrong?
Jenny: Alec has the day off. He thought we could...
Susan: Save me the details please.

(Jenny giggles)

The Bathroom door opens and Alec walks out naked Susan sighs - walking over to the bath she turns on the shower and pulls the curtain across to reveal the caption: Monday.

Cut to a shot of Simon riding his bike through Bristol on his way to school. As he is riding between the cars in the car park a door open out on to him knocking him to the ground.

Simon: Shit!
Susan: They've been talking about me.
Simon: Yeah, yeah I'm fine thanks nothing broken.
Susan: Jenny and Alec talk about me. About how I'm feeling. All the time.
Simon: Yeah and you talk about them all the time.
Susan: I don't try to analyse them. I just...
Simon: Slag em off.

Cut to the Carol and Liz's office

Penny: So did you go out at all?
Carol: [quietly] Just... pizza.
Penny: A film?
Carol: Pizza.
Penny: Who with?
Carol: [quietly] A friend of mine. Well not so much a friend. Someone out of hospital.
Penny: Sounds great we should go there one night.
Carol: Err...
Penny: Sorry?
Carol: I'd like that.
Penny: Ok maybe next week.
Penny: (walking out of the office with the photocopying that Carol had done for her) Thanks for these.

Liz tuts at Carol disapprovingly

Cut to a busy corridor

Susan: You'd think I was invisible, the way they were groping each other.
Kurt: You should have joined in.
Brian: You know where you're going wrong.
Susan: I do hope you're going to tell me.
Brian: It's your attitude to sharing, you need your own space too much.
Susan: Hang on let me find some paper so I can write this down.
Kurt: You're always dishing it out but you can't take it.
Susan: Yes I can.
Brian: No you can't.
Susan: Go on then.
Brian: Ok. Look at me and Kurt, we're much more relaxed than you. That's why we're happier.
Kurt: Our flat is an open house...err...open flat.
Brian: Last night for instance. JP turns up at midnight with some new bloke - do we bat an eyelid?
Kurt: No.
Susan: Were they groping each other on the sofa?
Brian: They might have done if Kurt hadn't upset the boyfriend.
Kurt: I didn't upset anyone.
Brian: Then why did he run away?
Kurt: I told you he just decided to go.
Brian: They're must have been a reason?
Kurt: He was tired.
Brian: Could'av kipped on the floor.
Kurt: He didn't want to.
Brian: Why not? That's my question

Cut to the staffroom

Susan: And another thing, she's bunking off, Jenny she's pretending she's ill just so she can spend the day in bed with Alec.
Simon: Nice.
Susan: "Nice"! - is that all you've got to say?
Simon: Yeah.
Susan: This isn't how Jenny behaves, not the old Jenny.
Simon: I never liked the old Jenny.
Susan: You fancied her.
Simon: Yeah, but if the new Jenny's got the old Jenny's arse then I think I prefer the new Jenny.
(Clapping).
Clare: Morning everyone! Just one announcement today. Miss Paige is off sick. A cover plan has been drawn up which id like the relevant members of staff to take on board. I'm afraid were under strength at the moment so it's gonna be all hand on deck. Any questions?
Penny: Looks good to me.
Clare: Excellent! Thank you.
Simon: Shit.
Susan: Still prefer the new Jenny?
Clare: Susan! - Jenny's food poisoning - is it very bad?
Susan: She certainly didn't get much sleep - I could hear her all night - both ends I think.
Clare: Poor Jenny.
Simon: Have you seen how many classes I'm covering just so Alec can fuck her brains out?
Susan: I'm crap at lying to Clare.
Kurt: Yeah, I'm really good.
Susan: I should say something to Jenny.
Kurt: What about?
Susan: About how I feel about Alec - I should tell her I suppose.
Brian: Course you should.
Brian: Whenever me and Kurt have a problem we sit down and talk about it.
Kurt: No we don't.
Brian: Yeah, like that business with your duvet.
Kurt: What business?
Brian: When it started to stink I got you to do something about it.
Kurt: I don't remember that?
Brian: You took it down the cleaners.
Kurt: No I didn't.

Bell rings

Simon: Selfish bitch.
Susan: What if she does this every week?
Simon: She better not.
Susan: I don't want to have to lie all the time.
Simon: I'm not doing this much cover again.
Susan: What if he hangs around forever, what if he moves in, pushes me out, takes over the flat?
Simon: He won't.
Susan: Are you sure?
Simon: No.
Susan: Shit.

Cut to Carol and Liz's office

Penny: Carol? I've just checked my timetable and the cover Clare wants me to do for Jenny it's a bit tricky. Can you ask her to find someone else?
Liz: You can ask her yourself. She's in there just waiting for someone to spoil her day.
Penny: I haven't got time right now.
Liz: Well... later then.
Penny: I wish I could but... thanks Carol.

Penny leaves

Liz: She's walking all over you.
Carol: Don't mind.
Liz: Well you should mind.

Cut to Clare's office where Carol approaches Clare very quietly and startles her.

Clare: I wish you wouldn't do that.
Carol: [quietly] Sorry. Message from Miss Neville. Mmm. Says...erm she can't cover Miss Paige's class. Can you find someone else?
Clare: Course I can't. You tell Penny...

Cut to a corridor

Carol: (as Clare) she agreed to take the class at the start of the day and that's what she's going to do! (as herself) That's what she said.
Penny: Well, thanks very much.
Carol looks upset

Cut to outside where Kurt and Simon are having a cigarette.

Kurt: Hangovers a few times. Once when I just couldn't be arsed.
Simon: But never to stay home and shag all day?
Kurt: I wish.
Penny: Simon could I ask a big favour? I'm supposed to be taking Jenny's sixth form group this afternoon. Is there any chance you could do it?
Simon: Nah I'm covering two of Jenny's lessons this morning and one this afternoon plus gate monitoring.
Penny: So that's a no.
Simon: Sorry. Don't worry about the sixth form piece of piss.
Penny: But I don't know any of them.
Simon: You must know Tanya? - First thing Tanya says just disagree; she'll kick off an argument, the others'll join in.

Cut to Liz and Carol's office where Carol is very upset

Liz: She was just sucking up to get some photocopies.
Susan: You're probably right.
Liz: Of course I'm right.
Susan: And you warned her?
Carol: I'm actually here.
Liz: We know you're here.
Carol: Don't talk about me, I'm in the room.
Liz: She doesn't want us talking like she's not in the room.
Susan: Right, but you warned her about Penny cos you didn't want her getting hurt?
Liz: Of course

Cut to Jenny's office where Penny is taking Jenny's sixth form class

Tanya: What's wrong with Miss Paige?
Penny: She's not here.
Tanya: Is she gonna be away all week?
Penny: Do I look like a doctor?
Tanya: Yes.
Arnie: So have you read this book then? Well it's shit isn't it?
Penny: I wouldn't call it shit.
Arnie: So you have read it?
Penny: A while ago.
Arnie: You know Lockwood's dream?
Penny: Which one?
Arnie: Well when the ghost comes back to Wuthering Heights?
Penny: Yes.
Arnie: Well, what's that all about then?
Penny: Can you open your books and read?
Tanya: Miss Paige said that Heathcliff's a bit like Richard III.
Penny: I can see that.
Tanya: Why? - did Heathcliff have a hump as well?
Rest of the class titter.
Penny: Just read the book.

Cut to the pub

Simon: At least you'll get a good nights sleep.
Susan: Will I?
Simon: They'll be shagged out by now.
Susan: They're never shagged out - I think they're into tantric sex.
Brian: Is that where you piss on each other?
Simon: No, it's when you shag for ten hours without coming.
Kurt: What's the point of that?
Susan: It's supposed to turn sex into a sacrament of love.
Brian: Oh.
Simon: Sting does it - I'm off (to Susan) Want a backie?
Susan: Please don't make me go home.
Simon: Why not? Can't you deal with the happy couple? Does it make you feel like you haven't got a life and nobody loves ya?
Susan: Yes Simon it makes me feel exactly like you.
Simon: If you're that bother about it why don't you talk to Jenny?
Susan: Good idea. "Hello Jenny any chance you could chuck your boyfriend so I can get a good night sleep". That would go down very well.
Simon: Talk to Alec then.
Susan: "Evening Alec. I think you're a tosser and I'd like you to piss off out of this flat".
Simon: Could be a bit more subtle.
Susan: I'm sorry were you about to give me a lesson on how to be subtle? What's next is Kurt gonna give me tips into how to get laid?
Simon: Fuck it then I was only trying to help.
Susan: Well you didn't.
Brian: You could stay at ours.
Susan: Can I?
Simon: Can I?
Brian: No chance.
Kurt: Full up mate.

Cut to Brian and Kurt's flat

Kurt: ... I wish.
JP: Hi.
Brian: Evening.
Kurt: Hello.
Brian: Vince! You came back.
Kurt: Hiya, Vince, (to Susan) this is Vince, JP's boyfriend.
JP: He's not my...
Kurt: Vince, this is Susan - Susan's another teacher.
Vince: Is she?
JP: I hope you don't mind if Vince stays tonight?
Brian: Fantastic!

Cut to Brian's room where Kurt, Susan and Brian have gone to discuss JP and Vince

Brian: They're gonna have sex.
Susan: (gasps) (sarcastically) Do you think so?
Kurt: Fucking nightmare.
Susan: But I thought you loved having people to stay?
Kurt: Not when they're shagging outside my bedroom.
Susan: I'll go in your room.
Kurt: Will you?
Susan: Mm. I'm used to noisy neighbours.
Brian: (to Kurt) Hang on where are you gonna sleep?

Cut to an overhead shot of Kurt and Brian in Brian's bed

Brian: Do you want the light off?
Kurt: I'm Ok. Can you hear anything?
Brian: No. Maybe they've gone to sleep?
Kurt: Yeah right.
Brian: Why don't you go and have a look? You always used to with Simon and Maggie.
Kurt: She was a woman - I'm not gonna go and watch two blokes am I?!
Brian: Aren't you?
Kurt: Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?

Cut to Susan in Kurt's bed where sexual noises are coming from the living room next door - Susan puts a pillow to her face and ears to cover the sound. When one of Kurt's tissues sticks to her face in disgust she gets out of bed and quickly runs through the living room to Brian's room.

Susan: (waking him up) Brian.
Brian: What the fuck?!...
Kurt: What did I do?
Susan: Can I sleep here as well?
Brian: Here?
Kurt: In this bed? Hey hey - my first threesome.
Brian: Mine too. I was hoping for two women.
Kurt: What's wrong with my room. Too noisy?
Susan: You don't wanna know.
Brian: No we don't.
Kurt: Did you notice what they were doing when you came through?
Susan: Funnily enough I didn't stop to watch.
Brian: Is this what it's like at your place having to listen to sex all night?
Susan: It's not just the nights, it's every evening every morning, all day at the weekends

Brian and Kurt sigh

Kurt: I feel a bit trapped.
Susan: Get used to it. If Vince is anything like Alec this is just the start, forget sleep, forget getting into the bathroom when you want to and wave goodbye to your fruit and veg.
Brian: You what?
Susan: Sex toys - if it's not over ripe its up for grabs.
Kurt: If it's so bad at Jenny's why don't you move out?
Susan: I was going too it's not easy to find the right person to share with.
Brian: There's other people apart from Simon.
Susan: It was working really well with Jenny until Alec came along.
Brian: Do you think that now Vince has come along it'll stop working for us and JP?
Susan: I wouldn't be surprised.

Brian gets up out of bed

Susan: Where are you going?
Brian: I need a piss.
Susan: You can't leave me alone here with him.
Brian: I'll be two minutes.
Kurt: Mm. Two minutes eh?
Susan: Don't even think about it.

Next morning JP is folding up the sofa bed

JP: Ahh! Morning.
Kurt: Is Vince in the bathroom?
JP: No he's gone.
Brian: Morning, sleep well.
JP: Not bad, you?
Brian: Hmm. Not so good.
JP: Coffee?
Brian: So, err, do you think you and Vince... do you think...?
Kurt: Is he coming back tonight?
JP: I'd be very surprised.
Kurt: Did you have a row?
JP: No.
Brian: So you'll be seeing him again?
JP: Nah.
Kurt: Why not?
JP: He's not really my type.
Brian: But you shagged him?
Kurt: Or he shagged you we didn't see.
JP: I'm sorry if the sleeping arrangements were a bit tricky last night. I didn't realise Susan was gonna be here.
Brian: We didn't know Vince was gonna be here.
Kurt: Maybe we should have a rule? If anyone wants to bring someone back, they have to get the others permission first.
JP: Fine by me. Banana?
Kurt: I won't actually.
Brian: Nah

Cut to Brian driving himself and Kurt and Susan to school / work

Brian and Kurt sing along with the radio: #is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? Cos if my eyes don't deceive me there's something going wrong around here. Around here#

As they pull up at a traffic lights they see that Simon is in front of them on his bike. They pull up beside him.

Kurt: heeeyyyy!!

The car pulls away to show that Susan, annoyed with the singing that early in the morning has infact gotten out of the car and climbed on to the back of Simon's bike

Cut to the school where Jenny is walking in from the car park

Brian: Alright?
Jenny: Much better.
Kurt: Mmm. I bet you are.
Jenny: Meaning?
Kurt: Oh nothing.
Jenny: I had food poisoning, didn't Susan tell you?
Kurt: Yeah. No. Sorry.
Jenny: She didn't come home last night?
Brian: She stayed with us last night.
Kurt: In the same bed.
Jenny: Really?
Brian: We didn't shag her.
Jenny: No.
Brian: It's just cos the flat was a bit full - but it won't happen again cos we've got a new rule.
Kurt: If anyone wants to bring someone back for the night we have to get the all clear from the other two first.
Brian: Maybe you should have a rule like that?
Jenny: What for it's my flat, I don't need anyone's permission for anything and I can't imagine you'll need to ask permission very often.
Kurt: What do you mean?.

Jenny cackles

Cut to the staffroom

Clare: Jenny! You're back!.
Jenny: Sorry about yesterday I think it was some undercooked chicken.
Clare: (looking at Simon) With some people the phrase food poisoning usually means hangover! Not in your case though. Take it gently today; you still look a bit peaky.
Jenny: What?

Simon looks at her with a coy look on his face

Cut to Bob's office where they are having an English department meeting

Bob: Look, every department needs to do one assembly.
Simon: But poetry?
Bob: Have you got a better idea?
Simon: When are we supposed to organise this? We're overstretched as it is, if someone decides to take the day off for whatever reason we're stuffed. (to Jenny) How you feeling by the way?
Jenny: Fine. Thank you.
Simon: You can walk without too much discomfort?
Bob: I thought it was food poisoning?
Jenny: It was. And thank you everyone for covering my lessons.
Simon: Pleasure. (under his breath) Maybe you can leave some work to hand out next time you're sick.
Jenny: I think I'd better.
Simon: What's that's supposed to mean?
Jenny: Nothing.
Simon: No come on if you've got something to say let's hear it...
Jenny: I wasn't even talking about you.
Penny: So you were talking about me? What did I do wrong?
Jenny: Oh nothing, it's just... one or two of the sixth formers are worried about Wuthering Heights. I think they could have done with some sort of discussion about the text rather than being told to read it again?
Penny: Is that what they said?
Jenny: I'm only...
Penny: This is so unfair.
Simon: It's not your fault Jenny was in bed.
Penny: I didn't have time to prepare for the lesson, I was up to my neck all morning, suddenly I'm expected to look after some kids I don't even know, what was I supposed to do?
Bob: I'm sure you did your best.
Penny: And Simon wouldn't help me.
Simon: What?
Bob: What?
Penny: I asked him to help me and...
Simon: You asked me to take the class!
Penny:...and he just told me to fuck off and all I could do is try and keep everybody happy and that's what I thought I had done until now.
Bob: What the hell do you think you're playing at?
Simon: I was covering other lessons!
Bob: You don't just let an NQT fend for herself! (To penny who is crying)It's alright its ok don't worry.
Bob: That's it. (to Simon) Ill talk to you later.

Cut to a corridor

Jenny: If only you had tits like penny, you'd never got bollocked again. I'm sorry you had so much cover. I was really ill.
Simon: No you weren't you were shagging Alec.
Jenny: Susan told you?
Simon: It doesn't matter who told me, what matters is I had to work my arse off all day while you were in bed with your boyfriend. Now I'm getting bollocked by Bob cos Penny's talking crap, why should you care cos you've had loads of sex so that's ok.
Jenny: What's wrong still not getting any yourself?
Simon: That's not the point.
Jenny: So what is the point? For once in you life you had to make an effort?
Simon: No.
Jenny: I'm not allowed to bunk off is that it?
Simon: No.
Jenny: I preferred sex with Alec to a - level English with Tanya is that so strange?
Simon: In your case yes

Cut to Simon walking down a corridor where he encounters Penny

Penny: I'm sorry.
Simon: What for? - lying about what I said to you, or getting me bollocked by Bob?
Penny: Both.
Simon: Oh that's ok then.
Penny: Hang on we can't just leave it like this.
Simon: Why not?
Penny: I can't bare it when someone hates me.
Simon: Well you should have thought about that before.
Penny: Please Simon, I said I was sorry.
Simon: You're not... you're not crying are you? Oh shit! - I'm sorry.
Liz: You too?
Simon: What?

Cut to Liz and Carol's office

Liz: She's faking it.
Simon: Nah she was really crying there was snot and everything.
Liz: She's good I'll give her that.
Simon: I was pretty pissed off with her.
Liz: She's faking it.
Simon: How can you tell?

Liz: I can tell - couple of tears, men like you putty in her hands.

Cut to the staffroom where Liz is carrying a bunch of flowers

JP: Those for me?
Liz: Guess how many people have asked me that in the last two minutes?
JP: If I guess correctly can I keep them?
Liz: Only if your name is Miss Paige is she here?
JP: Nope.
Susan: Are those for me?
Liz: It was seven, now it's nine, they're for Jenny.
Susan: Who from?
Liz: Oh, there's a card, sealed envelope, however as I was making a pot noodle at the time, steam just happened to waft towards the back of the envelope.
Susan: Alec?
Liz: They'res no name, just half a dozen kisses.
Susan: (reading from the card) "Friday night, 7:30 dinner at Berto's, red dress, no knickers", He's very concise.
Liz: Is that what you'd call it - I'd say over bearing.
Susan: Yeah maybe you're right.
Jenny: Those for me?
Liz: Err... yes.
Jenny: No card?
Liz: Not that I can see.
Jenny: Oh aren't they lovely.
Susan: Let's put them in water.
Liz: Lovely.
Jenny: Did you tell Simon that I wasn't really ill?
Susan: Shit, sorry it just slipped out.
Jenny: But Clare doesn't know?
Susan: God no I told her you were chucking up all over the place - the thing is, am I gonna have to lie like that a lot? Because I don't mind if it's now and again.
Jenny: Sorry, I know... I know it's a bit awkward for you but Alec said he wanted to take the day off and he wanted to spend it with me.
Susan: He must have known you can't just drop everything when you feel like it.
Jenny: He knew it was a bit awkward for a couple of people but he thought it was worth it.
Susan: Yeah, but what if you'd said no? What if you'd explained that your colleagues would be struggling without you and you couldn't just let them down because he wanted to have sex with you and he didn't even care about how you felt about it?
Jenny: Are you trying to make some sort of point here?

Cut to Simon and Susan having a cigarette in a toilet cubical

Susan: He's a control freak.
Simon: I thought she was?
Susan: She used to be but he's taken over and she can't see what he's doing.
Simon: And that's bad...?
Susan: Of course it's bad. I'm only trying to look out for my friend.
Simon: Well there's a fine line between looking out for and sticking your nose in because you don't like her boyfriend.
Susan: Jenny needs someone to show her what's going on.
Simon: And that someone would be...?
Susan: Me.

Cut to the canteen

Susan: How about I cook Sunday lunch?
Jenny: When?
Susan: I was thinking Sunday?
Jenny: No I mean which Sunday?
Susan: You choose.
Jenny: I'll have to ask Alec.
Susan: Why?
Jenny: He might have plans?
Susan: Yeah but if you've already got plans then his plan will have to change won't they?
Jenny: It doesn't work like that.
Susan: Since when?
Jenny: Sorry?
Susan: You used to decide for yourself what you do you didn't need to ask permission.
Jenny: It's not permission.
Susan: It sounds like it to me.

Jenny and Susan sit down at the table where Kurt and Brian are already seated.

Susan: How about a drink later?
Jenny: Sure, Why not?
Susan: Do you want to check with Alec?
Jenny: No - he's staying up in London.
JP: Ok if I bring someone back tonight?
Brian: You only chucked Vince this morning.
JP: You can't chuck a one night stand.
Brian: It's happened to me a few times.
JP: So is that ok then?
Kurt: Well I might get lucky this evening.
JP: No, but seriously

Cut to Carol and Liz's office

Penny: (to Carol) Hiya. I just wondered if....
Liz: NO!.
Penny: I was talking to Carol.
Penny: Any chance of... a couple of photocopies? Of each page? There's only about twenty.
Carol: [mouths something inaudible].
Penny: What?
Liz: You heard her.
Penny: Actually I didn't.
Liz: Maybe Carol didn't tell you or maybe you didn't hear her, but we don't provide a photocopying service for members of staff.
Penny: I don't have time to do these.
Liz: Do I look as if I care?
Penny: (to Carol) Please, couldn't... you just.
Liz: NO!
Penny starts to look as if she is going to cry.
Liz: Oh that's it blub, blub, blub.
Carol goes to hand Penny a tissue.
Liz: Ah!

Carol retracts her hand

Penny leaves the office

Cut to the pub

Kurt: Ok who's this? - (as Brian) "Three years at Loughborough and I still can't spell "physiotherapy"".
Brian: Is that me?
Kurt: (as Brian) Is that me?
Brian: Is it?
Kurt: Course it is.
Brian: Ok who's this then? - (as Kurt) - we've run out of tissues cos I've been wanking all night.
Brian: You knew it was you.
Kurt: No.
Simon: Who's this? - don't cry Penny. Just put your head on my shoulder and your hand there. That's it. Just a bit lower.
Brian: Why does everyone have to do me?
Simon: Nah, it was Bob.
Brian: Not bad. (To Susan) You do someone. Not me!
Susan: Right. Look at my massive cock.
Brian: I said not me!
Susan: I'm a new man, I'm in touch with my feminine side. I'm a sex god.
Simon. It's Alec.
Susan: I'm a control freak.
Simon: Yeah I got it.
Susan: I'm a big fucking...tosser. [Laughs] oh dear... [Chuckles to herself]

Cut to Jenny and Susan's flat

Susan: How about another drink. Hmm.? I'll see what's in the fridge.
Alec: Hi!
Jenny: What are you doing here?
Alec: Got the last train after all.

Cut to Kurt and Brian's flat - where JP and his lady friend are sitting on the sofa.

JP:...Everyone says it was the best. You had to be there.
Brian: You're a woman?
JP: Brian teaches PE.
Brian: And geography.
Kurt: Are you staying the night?
Girl: (To JP) Would you mind?

JP gestures that no, he wouldn't mind

Cut to the middle of the night where Kurt is opening the door to Brian's flat dressed in his pyjamas

Brian: What?
Kurt: Can I sleep with you again?
Brian: Fuck off.
Kurt: I can't stay in my room, there's too much noise.
Brian: What kind of noise?
Kurt: Giggling. I think they're telling jokes.
Brian: Are they in bed?
Kurt: Yeah. Think they're gonna have sex?
Brian: How can he if he's gay?
Kurt: Maybe he's bisexual?
Brian: Lucky bastard.
Kurt: How's that lucky?
Brian: He can shag anyone.
Kurt: Oh. Budge up. You set the alarm?.
Brian: Yeah.
Kurt: Night then.
Brian: Night Night.

Cut to Jenny and Susan's flat where Susan wakes up and realises what she said the night before

Cut back to Kurt and brains flat where Kurt is going into the living room

JP: She's gone.
Kurt: Can I ask you a personal question?
JP: What about?
Kurt: You and whatshername? Did you err... you know...?
JP: Shag her?
Kurt: Yes.
JP: What do you think?
Kurt: I don't know that's why I'm asking.
JP: I'm bent - of course I didn't shag her.
Kurt: OK so you'd never shag a woman? - Even if she looked like a bloke?
JP: Especially if she looked like a bloke, I'm not a lesbian.
Kurt: No, I know you're not, but if you were bisexual...
JP: I did try and shag a woman once.
Kurt: Did you? - Would you like to talk about it?
JP: Would you?
Kurt: I've got time.
JP: Nothing much to tell really, I was 15 pretty average age to lose your virginity.
Kurt: 15?
JP: I was still telling myself I wasn't gay in those days, so Sandra Pope was my first proper girlfriend. The only trouble was I couldn't, you know...
Kurt: Get it up?
JP: Enjoy myself.
Kurt: Oh.
JP: All the time we were doing it I just felt like something was wrong, so after about 20 minutes I said sorry Sandra this just isn't for me. So we stopped.
Kurt: 20 minutes.

Cut to Jenny and Susan's flat where Susan is looking worse for wear.

Susan: Morning.
Jenny ignores her.
Susan: Jenny...

Jenny slams the door behind her

Susan walks into the kitchen where Alec is cooking breakfast.

Alec: I'm making scrambled eggs if you're hungry.
Susan: Coffee's fine.
Alec: Sit down I think we need to talk.
Susan: Do we?
Alec: Yes... please... sit. This isn't easy is it, being here.
Susan: At this table?
Alec: In this flat.
Susan: I don't remember the last time I had this much fun.
Alec: I'm trying to help.
Susan: Well I wouldn't bother really.
Alec: I'd like too.
Susan: Hang on, did I book a therapy session this morning? I don't think so.
Alec: Susan, please, I don't see why my being with Jenny is such a problem for you?
Susan: Don't you, oh well, never mind.
Alec: Why can't you just deal with this?
Susan: I can.
Alec: By getting drunk and slagging me off? - How's that gonna solve anything?
Susan: I find getting drunk solves most things.
Alec: Why are you avoiding the issue?
Susan: Why are you stopping me from leaving the kitchen?
Alec: Me and Jenny we're not gonna split up you know.
Susan: Oh. Fuck off.
Alec: You're very hostile.

Cut to Susan and Simon walking into school

Susan: If he thinks that's hostile, he's in for a shock.
Simon: He's not that bad.
Susan: He's a total utter wanker.
Simon: But what you said in the pub...?
Susan: What?
Simon: You don't think that maybe you went a bit far?.
Susan: You've got no idea have you? - What it's like for me living there with them.

Cut to Susan having the same conversation but with Kurt somewhere else

Susan: Every night, the groping, the noise, you've got no fucking idea!
Kurt: I don't mind the kissing in public.
Susan: You wouldn't.
Kurt: Why don't you just deal with it like a grown up?
Susan: I'm sorry?
Kurt: Do what me and Brian did. We had a problem with JP so we made up our rule.
Susan: And you think that's grown up, to make up some silly little rule about asking everyone else if it's ok to being a little friend home for a sleep over? You really think that's grown up?
Kurt: Yes.

Susan catches Jenny's eye in the corridor but Jenny walks past her.

Jenny: Susan. - If it's so terrible living we my, why don't you go?
Susan: Living with you isn't terrible.
Jenny: What's so bad about Alec, I wish you'd tell me.
Susan: It's not Alec as such, it's... what he does to you, the way he makes you behave it... (Sighs) What's the point?

Cut to the pub

Susan: It's not just the noise of them banging away all night, it's him in the bathroom whenever I wanna get in there, it's him taking over the living room when I wanna watch the tele, it's him cooking in the nude...
Simon: Will you please just shut the fuck up?
Susan: Thanks very much for your kind understanding.
Simon: You don't deserve any kind understanding.
Brian: Yeah give it a rest.
Susan: What about you had enough?
Kurt: I'll have another pint, cheers.
Susan: You think I'm making a fuss about nothing don't you?
Kurt and Brian: Yes.
Susan: Right get your coats on, were going back to my place.
Simon: What for?
Brian: It's miles away.
Susan: The only way you're going to believe me is if you come and see for yourselves.
Brian: I can't be arsed.
Susan: I'll buy you a kebab on the way.
Simon: Not hungry.
Susan: If you stay long enough, they'll go to bed and you will hear them shagging.
Kurt: Drink up!

Cut to Jenny and Susan's flat

Kurt: Very nice.
Susan: Come on.

They all enter the living room where Jenny and Alec are sitting on separate chairs

Susan: Don't mind me.
Kurt: Very nice.
Jenny: This is a surprise.
Brian: Do you want some? - (Brian offers up his kebab).
Jenny: Thanks but no.

They all sit on the sofa and observe Jenny and Alec whilst they eat their kebabs

Jenny: What? Is there something? Have I got...? What? Why are you staring?
Brian: We're not.
Jenny: Yes you are.
Kurt: Just pretend we're not here.
Jenny: What exactly are you doing?
Brian: Eating.
Kurt: Relaxing.
Simon: Thinking.
Susan: Sorry... What was the question?
Alec: I'm off to bed.
Jenny: I'll be there in a minute.
Alec: Night everyone.
All: Night.
Susan: What?

Simon, Brian and Kurt leave

Susan: If you'd have got here earlier you would have seen them, they do it all the time.
Brian: Yeah right.
Kurt: Just not tonight eh?
Simon: Get some sleep maybe you've been overdoing it or something?

Jenny: I'd always thought if we had a problem we could talk about it.
Susan: Do I have to join in?
Jenny: It might make it more of a conversation.
Susan sighs.
Jenny: Me and Alec, I realise we've been a bit... physical lately in front of you, I know its embarrassing, I'm sorry but when you're in a new relationship...
Susan: Please, don't. - I'm sorry I got them round here - I wanted them to see what it was like.
Jenny: Is it really that bad?
Susan: Yeah.
Jenny: I'm sorry.

Susan sighs

Susan: Not as much as me, I've been...
Jenny: A cow?
Susan: Moody, I was gonna say - have I been a cow?
Jenny: - A bit.
Susan: Fuck - why didn't I talk to you everyone said I should.
Jenny: You ignore the normally excellent advice of Simon, Brian and Kurt?
Susan: Once I got going I couldn't stop and the more I was told I was overreacting the more I overreacted and I know I've been behaving really childishly, but when someone tells you're being childish it only makes you act more like a ch...
Jenny: Stop now - You weren't that bad.
Susan: Wasn't I?
Jenny: I wish you liked him.
Susan: I still like you.
Jenny: But if you hate my boyfriend...?
Susan: I wouldn't say I hate him, despise, loathe, detest maybe.
Jenny: That makes me feel so much better.
Susan: Sorry.
Jenny: Fancy a threesome?
Susan: Fuck off!

They both laugh

End Credits.