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[Setting: Brian, Kurt, Susan and Jenny are playing skittles in the pub]

Susan: Shag, shag, shag, cant we play a game that's not about sex?
Kurt: Like what?
Susan: I dunno err...
Jenny: Top Five Christmas films.
Susan: Yes. Kurt.
Kurt: Erm... Number one - Great Escape.
Jenny: I meant films about Christmas.
Kurt: Oh, right. Number one, 'Where Eagles Dare'.
[Disapproving looks from Jenny]
Kurt:...there's a lot of snow.
Susan: It's A Wonderful Life.
Kurt: What's that?
Susan: It's the best Christmas film ever.
Kurt: Never heard of it. Number two - Godfather, Marlon Brando gets shot on Christmas Eve. Number three...
Susan: Why don't we play something else?
Brian: The new English teacher - fat ugly lesbian or thing straight bloke with a beard?
Susan: Err sorry are we supposed to be guessing what the new English teacher...looks like?
Brian: No. Who would you rather have?
Kurt: You mean shag?
Brian: No. I mean as a colleague, who would you rather work with - a fat ugly lesbian or a thin straight bloke with a beard?
Jenny: He hasn't got a beard.
Kurt: It's a bloke.
Brian: You've met him?
Jenny: Briefly after his interview.
Susan: What's he like?
Jenny: He's not Simon... which is good.
Susan:...is it?
Brian: Does he drink?
Jenny: Do you know I'm not sure if he filled in that box on his application form.
Kurt: Does he smoke?
Brian: Does he like girls?
Jenny: Why don't you ask him yourself - he's coming in tomorrow.
Kurt: What for?
Jenny: To take a look round the school - meet the staff. (putting on coat)
Brian: You're not going home?
Jenny: [Sarcastically] No I'm going to the bar to get some more drinks but its very cold up there so I thought id wrap up warm.
Brian: (to Jenny) Pint of lager please.
Kurt: Mmmm!
[Susan and Jenny snigger at them]

Cut to outside of the Pub

Jenny: 41 hours, Seven minutes and 25 seconds till the end of term.
Kurt: And only 24 hours till I have sex.
(Silence)
Kurt: After the party...I'll have sex with someone.
(Howling wind)
Kurt: Everyone has sex after the party, its tradition, like turkey and crackers and 'Great Escape'.
Jenny: I've never had sex after a Christmas party.
Kurt: Maybe you'll get lucky this year.
Susan: The lucky people will be all the ones who don't have sex with you, which includes Me, Jenny and I imagine, Brian.

They all walk off leaving Kurt behind.

Cut to Brian and Kurt's flat, where JP is reading a book on the sofa. After getting some food and drink Brian and Kurt join him on the sofa.

JP: So what do you think?
Kurt: About what?
JP: About what I've done to the place?
Brian: Wasn't it like this before?

Pan out to see that JP has over enthusiastically decorated the flat with a cringingly bad tacky Christmas theme.

JP: It took me hours.
Kurt: But why?
JP: It's Christmas!

Cut to JP, Kurt and Brian in the car travelling to school/work in Brian's car - where JP is singing along to the radio - which blares out Christmas tunes.

JP: (with radio) #so here it is merry Christmas everybody's having fun, look to the future now, it's only just begun#

Cut to a shot of Brian and Kurt sitting in the front of the car looking unimpressed - the shot pans out to reveal that JP has decorated the car with the same sort of zeal as he did the flat. Inside the school car park, Brian driving narrowly misses running Carol and Errol (Rat Boy) over.

Cut to the staffroom.

Kurt: But he stinks.
Brian: He doesn't.
Kurt: Have you ever stood really close to him? Right up behind him, near enough to get your hands round his neck and squeeze the life out of the little fucker.
Brian: No. Why are you so anti-Rat Boy anyway?
Kurt: Cos he reeks of sulphur... and bromide and... dog shit.
Brian: So?
Kurt: So... He's a smelly twat.
Brian: You want Carol back don't you?
Kurt: Fuck off.
Brian: You do.
Kurt: Fuck off.
Susan: What is this intellectual discussion you're having?
Brian: Kurt still fancies Carol.
Kurt: Fuck off!
Brian: You do.
Kurt: Fuck off.

Clare: Good morning everyone, just to let you know that Mr Casey's replacement is arriving at lunch time today to look around the school - he's called Matthew Harvey and I hope that you make him feel welcome. I thought it might be a nice idea if he came to the Christmas party tonight. He can see us off duty as well as on. Let's hope he doesn't change his mind about the job - Thank you.

Kurt: Shit!
Susan: What's wrong?
Kurt: If this new bloke comes to the party he might get off with the woman I'm supposed to have.
Jenny: And that would be...?
Brian: Carol!
Kurt: Fuck off.
Brian: You love her.
Kurt: Fuck off.
Susan: (to Jenny) This is where we came in.
Brian: You do.
Kurt: Fuck off.
Brian: You do.
Kurt: Fuck off.

Bell rings -
Cut to the canteen at lunch time.

Bob: (Looking at his plate) Fuck, not again. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Clare: (to new English teacher Matt) ...and lunch is served from 12:30 to 1:15 - I think today's menu is...
Susan: Turkey. Someone had the brilliant idea of giving us turkey everyday of the week just in case we don't get enough turkey over Christmas.
Clare: Don't be put off by Miss Gately's cynical outlook, not everyone is as lacking in enthusiasm.
Kurt: More fucking turkey? [Catching Clare's eye] err... great.
Clare: This is Matthew - our new English teacher.
Matt: Hi.
Susan and Kurt: Hi.
Matt: It's Matt, not Matthew.
Clare: I was hoping someone would show Matt around the school this afternoon. Perhaps Miss Neville could help me out?
Penny: Sorry?
Clare: Since you'll be handing several classes over to Matt in the New Year it might make sense if you showed him the ropes?
Penny: Can I get some lunch first?
Kurt: It's turkey?
Penny: Let's go.

Cut to the playing field where Brian is taking a class.

Penny: When he's not pretending to be a footballer, he teaches geography.
Brian: (to one of the students) what do you think you're doing you dopey twat!
Penny: Brian is living proof that PE teachers really are the missing link.
Matt: I taught a bit of PE at my last school - coached the year eleven football team
Penny: Right.
Matt: So... How were the English GCSE results?
Penny: When?
Matt: Last year.
Penny: Wouldn't know.
Matt: Didn't you have an Ofsted inspection?
Penny: Did we?
Matt: Mm. How did it go?
Penny: Don't ask me.
Matt: Are you sure you actually teach here?

Cut to Brian taking a Year 7 Geography class.

Brian: (to Kayla - a student) What are those?
Kayla: What?
Brian: Those. Earrings.
Kayla: You're asking me what these earrings are - they're earrings.
(The rest of the class giggles)
Brian: They're not allowed - not in Year 7.
Kayla: Who says?
Brian: It's a school rule.
Kayla: I've only just had my ears pierced; they'll close up if I don't wear them.
Brian: I've seen you with earrings before - smaller ones but still rings in your ears.
Kayla: No. You'd have told me to take them out if you'd seen them before wouldn't you.
Brian: I suppose so.
Kayla: Well, There you go.
Brian: But I'm telling you to take them out now.
Kayla: They'll go septic.
Brian: Will they?
Kayla: If that's what you want?
Brian: Hang on.
Kayla: I expect I'll have to take antibiotics or something.
Brian: Don't take them out, put them back in.
Kayla: No. I'll do what you tell me - but you better watch out for my mum.
Brian: I'm not worried about your mum.

Cut to a worried looking Brian running down a corridor.

Cut to the office outside Clare's that Liz and Carol share - Errol [Rat Boy] is sitting on Carol's desk and they are being nauseatingly lovey.

Liz: Shouldn't you be doing something Errol?
Errol: No.
Brian: Liz I need to speak to you.
Clare: [When she sees Errol and Carol] Did someone turn this into a common room without telling me?
Carol: [quietly] He's... just going.
Clare: What?
Errol: She said I'm just going.
Clare: And are you?
Errol: Yeah (to Carol) See you later then.

Carol and Errol kiss.

Clare: Apart from fetching a bucket in which to be sick, what can we do for you Mr Steadman?
Brian: Err... Actually it was Liz I wanted a word with.
Liz: Yes?
Brian: It'll keep. Sorry.
Clare: Is there any point in asking what all that was about?
Liz: I could make something up.
Clare: Please don't bother.

Cut to a classroom where Penny is taking a class and Matt is sitting in.

Student: (Reading from a book) Honour has come back as a king to earth and paid his subjects with a royal wage, and nobleness walks in our ways again, and we have come into our heritage.
Penny: Yes, Katherine.
Student 2 (Katherine): That last word, "heritage", is that a link to the overall theme?
Penny: In what way?
Katherine:...Well payment and reward.
Penny: Right.
Katherine: Is "heritage" a reference back to the rich dead?
Penny: Rich what?
Katherine: Dead.
Student: But the soldiers he saw dying in the trenches weren't literally rich were they?
Penny: Some of them possible?
Katherine: I don't understand is Brooke being metaphorical or literal?
Matt: Maybe Brooke is trying to say something about the dead becoming rich because of the way they were allowed to die. (to Penny) Sorry, you don't mind if I jump in do you?
Penny: No feel free.

Cut back to Liz and Carol's office.

Brian: Liz.
Liz: Brian.
Clare appears in the background from behind a filing cabinet.

They move away as if to have a private conversation.

Liz: What do you want?
Brian: I want you...

Clare moves into the background of the shot again.

Brian: Can we go somewhere more private?

They move again.

Brian: It's embarrassing; I don't want you to hear this from anyone else but...
Clare appears behind them again.
Clare: Still here Mr Steadman?
Brian: (to Clare) Err... just going. (Quietly to Liz) We need to talk.
Liz: I think we better.

Cut to the school hall, after school where JP is trying to decorate it for the staff party afterwards.

Jenny: How is this going to be a party venue?
Susan: Give it time.
Jenny: I could give it a year it would still look like a school hall with bits of tinsel on the walls.
JP: (Struggling) Could anyone give me a hand?
Susan: What's he doing?
Jenny: He wanted to be in charge of decorations.
Susan: But he never volunteers for anything.
Kurt: He loves Christmas.
Brian: (as JP) 'It's fucking magic'.
JP: Can someone grab this ladder?
Kurt: I haven't seen him this exited since well... ever.
JP: Anyone?
Brian: Who wants a bevvy?
Kurt: Good idea. Sooner we get pissed sooner we can start shagging... someone.
Jenny: I can't wait to see who it's going to be.
Susan: Trouble is we'll only have Kurt's word for it, if anything does happen.
Kurt: I'll take photos if you like.
Susan: Yeah, That would be a very good idea; we get to meet the woman who hasn't enjoyed being photographed having semi - conscious sex with a pervert.
Kurt: They'll be someone.
Brian: Not if Matt jumps the queue and gets off with whoever you were supposed to.
Jenny: The woman who doesn't exist.
Kurt: Why would she want Matt and not me?
Jenny: How many reasons would you like?
Kurt: Well he's not good looking is he?
Susan: Yes.
Kurt: (To Susan): Do you fancy him?
Kurt: (To Jenny): Do you?
Jenny: Even if I did, I wouldn't be sad enough to shag the new teacher on his first day at school.
Kurt: Well why not?
Susan: You'd shag a new teacher on day one?
Kurt: Yeah.
Jenny: Even though he's a bloke?
Brian: Kurt's not that fussy.
Jenny: Yeah but maybe Matt is, He looks like he's got standards.
Kurt: Are you saying Matt wouldn't shag me?
Susan: Are you saying you want him too?
Kurt: Yes...err... no...pub?
Brian: Oh yes.
Just as they have walked off the ladder falls from under JP and he is left hanging on a piece of apparatus from a piece of tinsel.

Cut to the pub.

Kurt: 'The French Connection'. Gene Hackman is wearing a Santa Claus suit right at the start. Number Four, 'Die Hard', Bruce Willis is trying to spend Christmas with his wife, Number Five, 'Die Hard 2, Bruce Willis is trying to spend another Christmas with his wife.
Penny: (To the group): You all know Matt.
Brian: (Offering up his seat): There you go mate.
Matt: Oh cheers.
Penny: Anyone fancy a drink?
Susan: Uh I'm ok.
Brian: I'll have the usual.
Penny: Sorry what's that?
Brian: A pint of lager.
Penny: Matt?
Matt: Oh no if I start drinking now I'll end up pissed.
Kurt: Yeah...
Matt: I don't wanna make a bad impression before I've even started.
Susan: No ones gonna remember what you do tonight, you could have sex with Kurt on the middle of the dance floor and we'd all forget it by the morning.
Matt: I'm not sure I would.
Penny: Did you want a drink or not.
Matt: Oh yeah go on then, ill have a pint please lager.
Brian: Good man.
Kurt: Get us some crisps while you're up there - cheese and onion.
Brian: And some smoky bacon.
Penny: I might need a hand.
Kurt: Oh... you'll be ok.
Kurt: So... Matt would you like a cigarette?
Matt: Oh cheers.
Kurt: Another smoker - excellent.

Cut to the school hall where Liz is adding some stronger alcohol to her drink.

Liz hands Clare a drink.

Clare: Thank you.
Liz: I'm sure it will get going in a minute - cheers.

Pan out to a shot of the empty school hall apart from about three people.

Cut back in the pub where everyone is laughing around the table.

Penny: Maybe we should make a move?

Everyone ignores penny and carry on laughing.

Penny: Do you wanna go to this party anyone?
Matt: Sorry?
Penny: I was just saying maybe we should go to the party now?
Kurt: Don't be stupid.
Susan: It's far too early.
Brian: Your go Matt. The weirdest place you've ever had a shag?
Matt: Weirdest place would be...oh in the staff toilets.
Kurt: Where here?
Matt: Yeah I had a quickie with Clare after lunch.
Kurt: No!
Matt: No.
Brian: At your last school?
Matt: I was joking, who'd wanna shag in a toilet?
Brian: (Gesturing towards Kurt): He has dreams about it.
Kurt: No I don't.
Brian: Yes you do.
Kurt: Well not for a while now.
Susan: (to Matt): You have to understand Matt that Kurt is a very strange little man.
Jenny: But don't let one small perv put you off the rest of us.
Matt: I'll try not too [finishing his drink] it's my round I think.
Penny: But JP said 7:30...
Brian: (Cutting Penny off): I'll have a pint.
Susan: I'll have a scotch and ginger.
Kurt: I'll give you a hand.
Susan: Your go.
Brian: My go.

Cut to the School Hall where the party is underway.

Yvonne (Bob's wife): (To JP) Hello, I don't think we've met have we?
JP: Are you Bob's wife?
Yvonne: Yvonne and you are?
JP: I'm JP.
Yvonne: JP...JP...Oh I've heard about you.

Susan: Anyone off their face yet?
Brian: Nah it's too early.
Kurt: I said we should have stayed for another round.
Jenny: Oh look Bob's brought his wife.
Brian: Oh fuck, keep her away from me!
Matt: Why what's wrong?
Brian: Well last time I met her she was all over me tried to stick her tongue down my throat.
Matt: Oh nice image.
Jenny: Maybe that's who you're going to shag.
Kurt: I'd rather top myself.
Susan: She's coming.
They all scatter.

Brian: You could always shag Jenny.
Kurt: Nah. She wouldn't let me. Would she?
Brian: Of course she wouldn't.

Bob: (To Matt): Don't let the bastards fool you I made the mistake of thinking that one or two of them were my friends but they'll stab you in the back, first opportunity.

Brian makes a rude gesture behind Bob's head.

Matt: Really?
Bob: Do you think I'm joking.
Matt: No I'm sure.
Bob: I can give you examples do you want examples?
Matt: No I don't.
Bob: October the 5th 1997.

Kurt: Who then, who can I shag?
Brian: I don't know why you're asking its obvious who you want.
Kurt: Don't start about Carol again.
Brian: Beggars can't be choosers.
Kurt: I'm not that desperate.
Brian: Yes you are.
Liz: (To Brian) Do you want to have that word now?
Brian: Sorry?
Liz: Well you've been after me all day; I think I've worked out why.
Brian: Have ya?

Cut to Brian in the toilet.

Brian: What are you doing?
Liz: I'm waiting for you.
Brian: Well... Can't you wait for me outside?
Liz: Not until you answer one simple question - are you trying to get off with me?
Brian: Fuck no! - I mean... No thank you. Were you gonna let me?
Liz: I was thinking about it. I've had a lot to drink.
Brian: I'm flattered obviously but I'd rather not.
Liz: Then why have you been after me all day?
Brian: Hasn't Kayla said anything?
Liz: About what?
Brian: Oh shit, listen Kayla's great don't get me wrong, I think she's a smashing kid but she's just a bit rude sometimes.
Liz: Rude? How?
Brian: It's like she thinks I'm a tosser. Has she ever said she thinks I'm a tosser?
Liz: Not in so many words.
Brian: I don't want blind obedience, I just think I deserve a little bit of respect don't you?
Liz: No.

Cut back to the hall - where most of the teachers are dancing.

Yvonne: Twenty three years without any kind of sexual activity.
Matt: Oh I'm sorry.
Yvonne: Can you imagine the frustration?
Matt: I'm trying not too - It's hot in here isn't it - You'd think someone could open a window or a door - Where is the nearest door just out of interest?

Jenny: Should we break it up?
Susan: Maybe.
Jenny: He's quite nice.
Susan: You're not thinking of...
Jenny: Oh please... But it's the end of term; I've had a bottle of wine, so...
Susan: So you'd like a shag?
Jenny: Wouldn't you?
Susan: It's the end of term, I've had a bottle of wine...

Kurt: She's found fresh meat. Look [gesturing towards where Matt and Yvonne stand]
Brian: Poor sod. We should do something.
Kurt: Nah. Let's see how he copes.
Brian: What are they [Jenny and Susan] doing?
Kurt: Bailing him out.
Brian: Why?
Kurt: Maybe they like him.
Brian: You mean fancy him?
Kurt: Oh, He's good looking isn't he? Susan said. What, you don't think he's good looking?
Brian: How would I know, blokes can't tell if other blokes are good looking.
Kurt: Bollocks.
Brian: It's true.
Kurt: You can't see that I'm good looking.
Brian: No I'm saying I would be able to tell if women found you attractive or not if I didn't know for a fact they don't.

Brian sees an attractive woman's body across the room - but not her head.

Brian: Phwoar!!!

Looking up we see that infact the body was Carol's.

Kurt: What did you say?
Brian: It just slipped out.
Kurt: About Carol?
Brian: I didn't notice it was Carol I just saw her tits and thought they looked... nice.
Kurt: Oh they were...they are.

Yvonne: (looking at Bob who is dancing on the dance floor): What does he think he looks like?
Jenny: At least he's not wearing his leather jacket!
Yvonne: I shouldn't say this... But I sometimes wonder if I couldn't have done a little better for myself.
Susan: Surely not.

Jenny stifles a laugh into a cough.

Yvonne: There have been day when I've even though of leaving.
Susan: Well if you walked out on Bob there'd be a queue of women waiting to take your place.
Yvonne: What?
Susan: Half the heads of department fancy your husband - and as you can see the head teacher's having trouble keeping her hands to herself.
Yvonne: I'd no idea. Here - [handing her drink to Susan - she walks over to the dance floor and leads Bob off]

Cut to Yvonne leading Bob into a toilet cubicle and shutting the door.

Bob: Hang on.

Kurt comes in and proceeds to use a toilet.

Some noises of a sexual nature can be heard coming from the cubicle containing Bob and Yvonne.
Kurt responds to the noises with a look of disgust and leaves the loos.

Kurt comes out of the toilets, into the corridor where Errol and Carol are about to kiss - Carol removes her glasses and they drop to the floor - she turns towards Kurt and he sees just how beautiful she is - the spell is broken when she puts her glasses back on.

Brian: Forget Carol.
Kurt: I can't. She took her glasses off. Why did she have to take them off?
Brian: You've never seen her without her specs?
Kurt: No course I have. It's just... I forgot what she looked like.
Brian: She's not gonna shag you. I tell you who might though.
Kurt: Who?
Brian: Liz.
Kurt: Liz?
Brian: She's gagging for it - I was first choice but she might make do with you.
Kurt: Fuck off.
Brian: It's the best chance you've got.
Kurt: I think I might... want someone else.
Brian: Oh let me guess: short a bit squiffy eyed, humpy.
Kurt: Nice tits though.

Matt: (to Penny): How's it going?
Penny: I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.
Matt: Is that cos you've got a bad memory?
Penny: No.
Matt: Is it because you've never had so much fun?
Penny: Please don't feel you have to talk to me no one else does.
Matt: Yeah, why is that?
Penny: It's a long story.
Matt: Go on then.

Kurt goes to speak to carol but she ignores him.

Kurt: (to Liz) Can I have a word? In private.

Cut to a picture of Brian dancing madly on the dance floor.

Susan: Of course there's always Brian.
Jenny: I think once is quite enough with Brian, twice might give him ideas.
Susan: Like what?
Jenny: Like I want him to be my boyfriend.
Susan: Was he any good?
Jenny: Not bad, maybe you should give him a go - I'm sure he's be thrilled.
Susan: Me and Brian?!
Jenny: Why not, He's enthusiastic, full of energy, not without imagination and he'd be very, very grateful.

Susan: I can't believe I'm going to ask you this and I'm probably gonna regret it for the rest of my life but... would you like to sleep with me?
Brian: Is this a wind up?
Susan: No, it the act of a sexually frustrated woman whose had too much to drink. Shag? Yes or no?
Brian: Yes... Please...Thank you.
Susan: I'll just get another drink... maybe quite a few.

Cut to a shot of Penny and Matt leaving together.

Cut to a shot of Susan in bed at her flat and she rolls over to see that Brian is in her bed with her.

Cut to Penny's flat in the morning where Matt is opening the curtains and knocks some baubles off the Christmas tree in the window sill.

(Glass shatters)

Matt: Whoops.
Penny: [moaning] Oh. Yeah.
Matt kisses Penny.
Penny: Are you coming in again today?
Matt: Just till lunchtime.
Penny: Look about last night I don't normally do that.
Matt: Which part of what we did do you not normally do?
Penny: All of it.
Matt: If you think I normally jump into bed with a girl the first day I meet her you'd be wrong.
Penny: I'm glad to hear it - look do me a favour at school keep your mouth shut - you've seen what people think of me - if they think I'm this easy then I doubt their opinions would improve.
Matt: Yeah you're probably right - I wouldn't look to good either would I, turn up, say hello, start shagging, bit sleazy.
Penny: Very.
Matt and Penny kiss.

Cut to a shot of Brian and Kurt's flat where we can see that Kurt is in bed.

Kurt: NO!
Woman: What's wrong? (Liz sits up in Kurt's bed) Are you having a nightmare?
Kurt: Hope I still am.
Liz looks unimpressed and lies back down.

Cut to a shot of Susan driving herself and Jenny to school.

Susan: You're right. Energetic, enthusiastic, very eager to please, he let himself down on duration but the second time was better.
Jenny: Did he do that thing with his nose?
Susan: What thing?
Jenny: Obviously not then.
Brian: (sitting up in the backseat): Are we nearly there yet?
Jenny: No, Go to sleep.

Cut back to Brian and Kurt's flat.

Liz: I'll have orange juice, cereal and coffee.
Kurt: There's no time.
Liz: No orgasm, No breakfast... Is this how you treat all your girlfriends?
Kurt: You're not my... What do you mean no orgasm? I heard you groaning.
Liz: With disappointment.
Kurt: Disappointment?
Liz: Kurt; Can I be honest?
Kurt: Can I stop you?
Liz: Last night... it wasn't... you weren't very good.
Kurt: I tried my best.
Liz: That was your best? The first time...
Kurt: That was an accident.
Liz: Yeah but after that couldn't you try something interesting?
Kurt: Like what?
Liz: Like foreplay for a start.
Kurt: There was foreplay.
Liz: Groping me in the taxi...
Kurt: And on the stairs!
Voice: Will you keep it down?!

Pan round to see that JP was asleep on the sofa and has heard the whole conversation.

Kurt: I thought you'd gone?
JP: I don't think I can make it in today.
Kurt: You didn't hear what she just said... about the sex?
JP: Yeah.
Kurt: Could you keep it to yourself?
JP: Yeah.
Kurt: (to Liz): And you won't tell anyone. Will you?
Liz: As if I would.

Cut to see Bob walking into school with a spring in his step.

Bob: (to some students) Good morning! How are you?

Cut to the staffroom.

Bob: Good Morning!!
Jenny: Six hours, 27 minutes and 30 seconds till the end of term.
Susan: (to Brian who is looking at her): What?
Brian: You don't fancy doing that again do you?
Susan: (to Jenny): You said he wouldn't ask.
Jenny: Brian, Behave yourself.
Brian: What's wrong with asking, we had a good time didn't we?
Susan: I'd have to be very desperate and very drunk to want to have sex with you again.
Brian: So how about tonight then?
Liz: Here, cover plan for all the light weighs who couldn't drag themselves in this morning.
Penny: Morning everyone. Ah Mr Harvey, How are you today?
Matt: Great, thanks. Morning all.
Jenny: What happened to you last night?
Matt: Nothing, Why?
Jenny: Didn't see you leave.
Matt: Oh I disguised myself as the camp commandant and walked past the guards at the main gate. Did I err... miss anything?
Brian: Well...
Susan: You didn't miss a thing.
Penny: How was your hotel?
Matt: Fine. Anyone seen Bob?
Liz: Yes. Over there.
Jenny: What's wrong with JP?
Liz: He's pretending to have a migraine; I gave him a couple of aspirins told him to be here by dinnertime.
Brian: When did you see JP?
Liz: This morning. Your place. I slept with Kurt last night. He was terrible. How was Brian?
Susan: Not bad. You slept with Kurt?
Liz: Umm... seemed like a good idea at the time. But he's got a very small penis.
Susan: Do you mean small in proportion to the rest of his body or small compared to the average size?
Liz: I just mean small, very small.

Cut across the staff room where Kurt is walking in.

Kurt: Morning.
Kurt: Are my flies open?
Susan: No.
Jenny: We were just looking at your trousers cos Liz says you have a very small penis.

Kurt looks distraught.

Cut to a montage of scenes showing some kids - the bell rings. Cut to Brian's class room where the kids are hurriedly and excitedly rushing out.

Brian: Don't push.
Kayla: Don't push.
Brian: Keep to noise down.
Kayla: Keep the noise down.
Brian: That includes you Kayla. I am sick and tired of your attitude; your lack of respect, its got to stop hasn't it? I said hasn't it?

Kayla looks increasingly upset.

Brian: Are you crying?
Kayla's friend: (to Kayla) Come on. (To Brian) what have you done to her?
Brian: (proudly) I made her cry!

Cut to the staffroom.

Brian: (with a disgusted and distraught look on his face) I made her cry.
Kurt: Result!
Brian: It's terrible!
Kurt: It's what you wanted.
Brian: No, I thought it was what I wanted. I feel like a... bully.

Cut to Liz and Carol's office.

Liz: Did you find Errol?
Carol: No.
Liz: What's wrong? Hang over?
Carol: Too much liebfraumilch.
Liz: Did something happen with Kurt last night?
Carol: What do you mean?
Liz: He wouldn't shut up about you and your glasses. He kept on and on about you taking them off?
Carol: When?
Liz: Last night. After the party. I went back to his place. We slept together. You don't have a problem with that?
Carol: No.
Liz: You're over Kurt aren't you? Anyway you're better off with someone whose willy you can actually see with the naked eye.
Liz: I take it you did have sex with Kurt?

Carol shakes her head.
Liz looks surprised.

Cut back to the staffroom.

Brian: So what do I do?
Jenny: Hide.
Susan: Hide.
Kurt: You can't hide from Liz, you can run but she'll hunt you down and kill you like a dog.
Bob: (approaching with Matt) ...To be marked by the end of the week proceeding half term, draft lesson plans every Friday afternoon incorporating my notes by the following afternoon. Ok?
Matt: Fantastic.
Bob: Excellent. Right well I'm just gonna pop home and shag my wife. See you next term.
Matt: Bye.
Susan: (to Matt) Hello. Have you heard about Brian? He managed to make a year 7 cry.
Jenny: A little girl.
Brian: I was trying to keep it quiet.
Penny: What are we talking about?
Brian: Nothing.

Penny looks annoyed to be yet again left out of the conversation.

Matt: Right. I'm off now.
Penny: Are you not gonna stay for lunch?
Matt: Turkey? No, don't think so.
Brian: Who fancies a pint or three?
Kurt: Or five, it's the last day of term, fuck it.

Clare appears over his left shoulder.

Clare: Forgive me for butting in Mr McKenna. Matthew, the local rag, property pages at the back.
Matt: Cheers.
Clare: If your wife would like advice on which areas to look at...
Matt: Yeah ill tell her to give you a call.
Brian: You're married?! Fucking hell.

Cut to a shot of Penny with a realising look on her face.

Kurt: you kept that quiet I had you down as one of us.
Brian: Fucking hell!
Susan: Have you got any kids?
Matt: Yeah. Two.
Brian: Fucking hell!!
Penny: How lovely.
Kurt: What are you gonna do when you come down the pub, you're not bringing your kids?
Brian: Course he's not.
Kurt: You can bring the wife though.
Brian: Yeah but only if she's fit. Is she...?
Matt: Is she what?
Brian: Fit?
Susan: If he married her he probably thinks she is.
Jenny: since she's unavailable it really doesn't matter.
Brian: Who says she's unavailable?
Jenny: She's married.
Kurt: Yeah but is she fit?

Cut to Brian, Kurt and Matt walking out of the school.

Matt: I'll catch you up.
Kurt: Where you going?
Matt: I should say goodbye to Penny, I should say thanks for showing me around.
Brian: Don't ask her to the pub.
Kurt: God No. She'll just sit there with a face like a slapped arse.
Brian: Don't even mention the pub.
Kurt: She'll turn up like she usually does.
Matt: Something tells me you don't like her very much.
Kurt: Really?
Matt: I thought she was ok?
Brian: You're wrong. See you later.

Cut to Penny standing on the balcony type thing at the back of the school.

Matt: I guess I owe you an apology. I was gonna tell you. I just didn't think it was the right time.
Penny: You just thought you'd wait until after you shagged me?
Matt: We were shagging each other.
Penny: What's the difference?
Matt: Well what happened wasn't entirely my fault.
Penny: You don't think your wife might blame you just a tiny little bit?
Matt: My wife won't find out.
Penny: If you'd have told me the truth then I could have made up my own mind whether to sleep with you or not.
Matt: And would you have done?
Penny: No.
Matt: I don't believe you.
Penny: I thought we were gonna be friends.
Matt: Oh grow up. For fuck's sake. You're not a teenager, neither am I. We're a couple of adults who had sex, when maybe we shouldn't.
Penny: Maybe?
Matt: I'm going to the pub. See you next year.

Cut to the canteen.

Jenny: Two hours, 23 minutes and 10 seconds.
Susan: Wouldn't you rather be down the pub?
Jenny: With Kurt and your boyfriend?
Susan: Don't you dare call him that!
Jenny: You love Brian don't you?
Susan: Fuck off!
Jenny: You want to marry him.
Susan: Fuck off.
Jenny: You want to have his babies and grow old together in a little bungalow in Clacton.
Susan: Fuck off.
Jenny: You do.
Susan: Fuck off.

Cut to the pub.

Matt: Same again?
Brian: What's the hurry?
Matt: I said I'd be home for the kid's bedtime.
Kurt: Does it matter if you're not?
Matt: No, but I like to be there.
Brian: So just one more pint?
Matt: Yeah. Ah, fuck it. I'll say the train broke down at Bracknell.
Kurt: Your train goes nowhere near Bracknell.
Matt: I caught the wrong train. Even better.

Cut back to the school canteen.

Bob: Just popped home for half an hour, I suggested oral sex, just mentioned it you know in passing. Next thing I know she's heading south. This is after we've done it doggie fashion on the upstairs landing. I don't know what's got into her. Apart from me. Three time last night. Twice this lunch time.

Jenny and Susan look off their food.

Cut back to the pub.

Kurt: No all I'm saying is she can do better for herself. I mean I could be head of it in a few years. What's Rat Boy ever gonna be? Head of test tubes with special responsibilities for Bunsen burners?
Brian: Tears were dripping down her little face. It was like I molested her. I felt like a paedophile. I'm a fucking nonce!
Matt: Right that's me I'm off. Merry Christmas.
Kurt: Bye.
Brian: See you next term. Shit were gonna be late.
Kurt: Fuck it I don't care. Let's spend the rest of the day here.
Brian: No I've got to see Kayla. I've got to say sorry for making her cry.
Kurt: Right. Then I'm gonna go and see Carol.
Brian: What for?
Kurt: I'm gonna tell her. She should waste her life with Rat Boy.
Brian: Good idea.

Cut back to the school where Penny is neglecting her class and they are talking amongst themselves.

Brian: (to Penny) Can I speak to Kayla please?
Penny: Jesus, How much have you had?
Brian: A couple of pints. Is she here?

Cut to outside in the corridor.

Brian: I just wanted to say how sorry I am about what happened.
Kayla: Eugh you stink.
Brian: Shh!
Kayla: If Mrs Hunter smells your breath...
Brian: I'm trying to apologise, I'm really, really sorry I made you cry.
Kayla: It doesn't matter.
Brian: Yes it does. I did a very bad thing and I'm sorry.
Kayla: Yeah alright.

Cut to Kurt in the loo - he goes to leave but then he needs to go again.

Brian: What I said was unprofessional and cruel.
Kayla: Just forget it.
Brian: You forgive me?
Kayla: Whatever. You're pissed aren't you?
Brian: I had a couple of beers with Mr McKenna. He needed cheering up. Your mum said some very cruel things.
Kayla: About Mr McKenna?
Brian: Yeah. She said he wasn't very big. I mean not tall. Short. He's a very short bloke that's what she said.
Kayla: And he got upset.
Brian: Well he's not normal is he?

Cut to Carol and Liz's office.

Kurt: I know I could have handled it better. I should have talked to you, returned your calls, not run away and hidden quite so much. I'm not saying I want you back; I just don't want to see you throwing your life away. You could do better. Maybe... not a lot...but better than Rat Boy.
Errol: What did you call me?
Kurt: Rat Boy! It's just a nickname.

Rat Boy hits Kurt and Carol shrieks - The bell rings.

Cut the side exit of the school where kids rush out.

Susan: So that's it.
Jenny: mm.
Susan: I thought that's what you wanted, the end of term.
Jenny: Yeah but its only 349 hours till were back.

Cut to the corridor inside.

Brian: Liz! Hang about. I can't spend the holiday worrying about what's gonna happen when I see you again.
Liz: What's to worry about?
Brian: I made Kayla cry! You can't imagine how bad I feel right now, whatever you wanna call me I've been calling myself worse, I don't know how it happened. Well I do, cos I was there. But I didn't mean to push her too far, but I must have.
Liz: For fucks sake Brian, do be quiet. I know what happened with you and Kayla.
Brian: You know?
Liz: She lied about the earrings; she had her ears pierced in the summer. She didn't really cry. I paid her ten quid.
Brian: Hey?
Liz: I felt sorry for you. I know how tricky Kayla can be so I asked her to pretend to be afraid of you. Just once. Before the end of term.
Brian: Why?
Liz: Christmas present from me to you.
Brian: But I haven't got you anything.
Liz: That's ok.
Brian: I could shag you.
Liz: No. Really.
Brian: You were gonna let me last night.
Liz: Yeah that was before I slept with Kurt, I don't want to risk any more disappointments this week.
Brian: I wouldn't be a disappointment. Ask Susan what she thought.
Liz: I don't want sex. I just want a drink.

Cut to Brian, Kurt, Jenny, Susan and Liz walking out of the school laughing. Penny is in the background takes the hint and doesn't try to go to the pub or join in the conversation.

Cut to the pub.

Susan: That's not really a bruise - just looks like your wearing make up.
Kurt: Ah!
JP: What happened?
Liz: If you'd bothered to turn up this afternoon you'd know.
JP: Did you say he caught you copping off with Carol?
Kurt: No. I called him Rat Boy.
Brian: But that's his name.
Liz: No, Brian, His name is Errol.
Brian: Is it?
Liz: Carol! Come and join us. Is Errol not with you?
Carol: I told him to fuck off - So he did.
Kurt: Would you like a drink?
Carol: Yes, The usual.
Kurt: Pint of lager and a Bailey's chaser - coming right up.
Brian: If you're going to the bar ill have another.
Susan: A large scotch.
Jenny: Make it two.
Carol: I'll give you a hand.
Brian: You don't think that they're gonna start shagging again?
Liz: Well that would be tricky, given that they've never shagged before. Carol told me. When they went out they didn't have sex.
Susan: Maybe they did but she didn't realise, I mean you said his willy's very small.
Liz: No... they only kissed.
Jenny: On the lips.
Liz: Yes.
Brian: Tongues.
Liz: Sometimes.
Susan: Is she a virgin?
Liz: No.
Susan: Did she and Rat Boy...?
Liz: I couldn't bring myself to ask.
Susan: No.
Brian: He's always banging on about how he'd shagged her.
Liz: Male bravado.
Brian: Lying bastard.
Jenny: They're coming.
Liz: Not a word - I promised Carol I wouldn't tell a soul.
Brian: Right.
Susan: You just told us.
Liz: In confidence.
Brian: So Carol... I hear Kurt never shagged you.
Liz: Oh for fuck's sake.
Kurt: Yes I did.
Susan: Kurt, tell me the truth now, did you really shag Carol?
Kurt: I didn't exactly shag her in the normal sense of the word.
Brian: Why not what's wrong with you?
Kurt: We thought we'd ... (holds Carols hand) you know...save ourselves.

They all stifle laughs and then they all just fall about laughing.

Cut to Brian and Kurt's flat where they are all still laughing - the credits roll throughout.