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Series 2, Episode 4
reveiw | transcript | screencaps | quiz
Transcribed by Helen Pockett
Simon, Susan, Jenny, Brian, Kurt and JP are in the pub.
Simon: Blue-veined piccolo.
JP: Pork sword.
Simon: Pink trombone.
JP: Mr happy helmet.
Simon: Is that one?
JP: Definitely.
Brian: Ten seconds.
Simon: There can't be any more.
Brian: Five, four, three, two, one, out.
Simon: There aren't any more.
JP: Bone phone, Spam javelin, Ham howitzer, Trouser trumpet...
Simon: Fuck!
JP: Mutton musket, the bald friar.
Brian: You are fucking impressive.
JP: Ok my choice now how about... gay euphemisms?
Susan: My round.
Jenny: Not for me I've gotta go.
Simon: Lightweight.
Jenny: Some of us have to focus on the future - Clare's roped me on to help organise careers week. - Night then.
Simon: Poofter.
Kurt: Fag.
Brian: Shirt lifter.
JP: Beachcomber.
Simon: Sausage smuggler.
Kurt: Fudge packer.
Brian: Marmite miner.
JP: Short armed bandit.
Simon: Erm...
Brian: Five, four, three, two, one out.
Kurt: Oh, I had a good one. Mm. It's gone.
Brian: Five, four, three, two, one. Just me and the champ. Turd burglar.
JP: Chocolate chimney sweep.
Brian: Tail gunner.
JP struggles to think of one.
Brian: Five, four, three, two, one. Yes! Finally the PE/Geography teacher chalks up a victory! But he has the grace and dignity to shake the hand of the loser.
Cut to the outside of the pub where JP is taking a pee against some railings.
Brian: [gesturing towards JP] He's great isn't he?
Kurt: I'm sure he'll let you hold it if you ask nicely.
Brian: I just mean he's a laugh.
Kurt: (to JP) Don't go jumping over any cliffs tonight will ya unless you want the northern retard following you over.
JP: Who wants a backie?
Kurt: After you mate.
Brian: You're all right.
Kurt: Go on you know you want to.
Brian: No I'm fine.
JP: I didn't want to start and argument; tell you what I'll walk with you eh?
Cut to Brian and Kurt's flat where JP is staying with them.
Brian: Ok forget the music which one would you shag? Christina or Britney?
JP: Britney definitely.
Brian: Christine for me I'd give myself body and soul.
Kurt: You think she'd want either?
Brian: (to JP) You blew Simon out of the water in that cock round, destroyed him.
JP: Bit of a specialist subject.
JP: Bit of a specialist subject.
JP: Yeah well you came from behind in the gay round.
Brian: Used to work in a factory during the school holidays you never stood a chance.
JP: You can't expect me to know all the slag names for being gay, it's much more the reserve of you non gay people, wouldn't you say?
Pan round to Brian and Kurt looking in shock.
Cut to the next morning where Brian and Kurt are in the car on the way to work/ school - still in shock upon finding out that JP is gay.
Cut to the staffroom.
Simon: JP's gay?!
Kurt: Completely.
Simon: That explains why everyone's so at ease with him. You know women. He poses no sexual threat.
Jenny: You don't have to be gay to get on with women.
Kurt: Well it helps.
Penny: I always knew he was.
Simon: No you didn't.
Susan: I did though.
Brian: You knew?
Susan: Ages ago.
Simon: And you didn't tell us?
Susan: I thought it was pretty obvious.
Brian: You were the one trying to get in his trousers not so long ago.
Susan: I was in a vulnerable place.
Simon: Where? Bosnia?
Susan: (looking at Simon) Ha Ha, Yeah well we all bark up the wrong tree from time to time.
Penny: I thought you two were gay at first.
Kurt: Who?
Penny: You and Brian.
Brian: Why?
Penny: Two single blokes living together, no girlfriends - PE and IT teachers.
Brian: What's that got to do with it?
Penny: The sporty one and the geek it's a classic combination.
Simon: Fuck!
Brian: What?
Simon: It's all falling into place.
Brian: What is?
Simon: That's why you invited him to move into the flat, the reason you wanted me out and JP in.
Brian: Why?
Simon: Because deep down you knew he was gay and you wanted to check him out - get a little taste of the alternative lifestyle.
Brian: Fuck off.
Kurt: Bollocks.
Simon: It's almost worth living with my dad again to know that you two are getting a chance to express a whole new side of yourselves - and that JP's there as your role model.
JP: Mornin'.
Brian and Kurt and Simon grunt a response.
JP: Everything alright?
Penny: I think it's fantastic - that you're gay.
JP: (laughs) Well I knew that if I told Brian and Kurt it would save the expense of having a notice put on the school gates.
They are interrupted by Carol clapping.
Clare: The next few days are our focus on the future days for years ten and eleven. Jenny here's in charge. Have tutors got packs?
Jenny: If they bothered looking their pigeon holes.
Clare: This is all about giving the students guidance, advice and support in making the right decisions for their futures. So try not to snigger when they tell you what they want to be. Kurt will have kudos up and running shortly, yes?
Jenny: If you could familiarise yourself with the software package before using it on the kids. Well be practising interview techniques tomorrow and the careers fair is on Thursday.
Clare: Lets approach this with enthusiasm please, any problems pester Jenny with them not me.
Jenny: Your full cooperation will be very welcome over the next few days.
Pan out to see that the staffroom is empty and everyone has left their focus on the future packs on their seats.
Cut to some of the teachers walking down the stairs.
Brian: Hang on I can't be gay I shagged Jenny.
Susan: One night stand, doesn't count.
Kurt: I went out with carol for weeks we had loads of sex.
Simon: Do you mind I'm still eating.
Penny: (To Kurt) Oh by the way I've changed my mind about you.
Brian: What about me?
Brian: People are gonna thing we asked JP to stay because we wanted him to stay aren't they?
Kurt: We did.
Brian: I mean because we wanted him to stay.
Kurt: I blame you.
Brian: You're the one who's always brown nosing him.
Brian: Bollocks I'm not.
Kurt: (As Brian) "Oh you blew Simon out of the water in the cock round" course he fucking did.
Brian: Hang on, he said he'd shag Britney.
Kurt: He said he'd shag Britney given a choice between her and Christina Aguilera. I mean maybe if youd'av thrown Ricky Martin into the mix you'd get a different response.
Brian: Shit.
Kurt: Every female that comes to work here is gonna think the same as Penny.
Brian: Are they?
Kurt: It's hard enough to get women as it is - he was only supposed to stay on a temporary basis.
Brian: So?
Kurt: So sound him out - find out if he's looking for somewhere else.
Brian: I can't do that.
Kurt: Just ask him.
Brian: Why do I have to do it?
Kurt: You heard Penny she changed her mind about me.
Cut to JP's classroom.
Brian standing outside gets eye contact with JP through the glass in the door and gestures for him to come out of the classroom.
Brian: I just wanted to say... sorry about...
JP shuts the door to his classroom.
Brian: ...telling people you were - are - you know...
JP: Gay?
Brian: Gay, yeah.
JP: Forget about it.
Brian: I'll make sure it goes no further.
JP: Why?
Brian: Cos it could be embarrassing.
JP: Have you got a problem with it?
Brian: Me?
JP: Cos you'd be amazed how many people that turn into complete tosser when they find out that you're gay.
Brian: Really?
JP: Like I'm gonna suddenly wanna jump on them or something.
Brian: They should be so lucky eh? - I mean I know you wouldn't, not with me or anyone.
JP: As far as I'm concerned nothings changed.
Brian: Right.
JP: Except that now you know I'm gay.
Brian: And were glad we know you're... I mean I'm glad you're...who you are and...happy. And all that.
JP: I knew you'd be ok with it.
Brian: Of course I am, mate. No problem.
Brian goes to hit JP in a matey sort of way but retracts his hand and just pats him on the shoulder.
Brian: See you... at home.
Kurt: (As Brian) " Course I am mate, no problem, I love you JP."
Brian: Fuck off!
Cut to Simon in a classroom with his tutor group.
Simon: Curtis, who am I? - (reading from a sheet) I have no problem with dealing with numbers, figures, charts, organisational skills. I like maths, statistics, and numeracy. The job families that I'm interested in are working with figures, solving mathematical problems. My career choice - anything to do with managing... money. - Jesus (sighs).
Curtis: My dad's an assistant bank manager.
Simon: And you wanna be like your dad?
Curtis: Why not?
Simon: Cos he's your dad! (Reading) Work in insurance, civil service, local council what is wrong with you lot?
Katherine: They're all good jobs.
Simon: Yeah I know but does no-one wanna I dunno write a novel, make a film or travel? - you've got the chance to do what ever you want.
Curtis: I really want to work in accounts.
Simon sighs.
Cut to the staffroom where Bob, Penny, Susan and Kurt are in front of a computer where Bob is typing.
Brian: When's it my turn?
Kurt: Wait!
Kurt sends something to the printer and then walks over the retrieve the piece of paper.
Kurt: (to Bob) jobs best suited for you according to kudos are... tree surgery or forestry.
Bob: I knew it I should have followed my boyhood dreams - fuck it!
Brian sits down at the computer.
Kurt: Put in your name - it's B-R-I-A... - follow the questionnaire.
Brian: Do you watch factual programmes on TV?
Kurt: Have they not got porn down there?
JP: Does it work?
Susan: Liz came out as an officer in a correctional facility.
Susan: Has he said anything to you?
Kurt: What about?
Susan: You blabbing his personal life around the school.
Kurt: He seems pretty cool about it.
Susan: What about you?
Kurt: What about me?
Susan: Are you "cool" with it?
Kurt: Me? Of course! - It's Brian who's taken it like a personal insult. Keeps banging on about getting JP out of the flat.
Susan: Why?
Kurt: That's what I said, why? - You know Brian, He's worried it might affect on him in some way.
Susan: And you're not?
Kurt: I'm not the one who chases after JP like a fucking lapdog am I?
Susan: Aww! Its quite funny though isn't it.
Kurt: I suppose it is.
Kurt walks over to the computer and moves Brian out of the way and prints off Brian's results from the questionnaire.
Kurt: Let's see come one.
Brian: What's it say?
Kurt: Hairdresser or flight attendant.
Susan: (who has gotten the piece of paper out of the printer) These things are very perceptive.
Brian: Let's have a look.
Kurt: (deliberately pressing a key) Ah, gone, sorry. Here it is in black and white. You can't fight it Brian.
Cut to Brian and Kurt and Susan walking through the outside of the school.
Brian: How come fucking Kurt's off the hook, going out with Carol should have made him more suspect not less - he looks far more gay than me.
Susan: Maybe that's why you got this far without questioning yourself because you some over so straight.
Brian: Not because I am straight?
Susan: Only you know that.
Kurt: The computer never lies.
Brian: One more word and I'm gonna belt you.
Kurt: No need to get all aggressive and macho - It proves nothing.
Kurt leaves.
Brian: Be honest, has there ever been a moment where you've looked at me and thought - "there goes a gay man"?
Susan: I never make assumptions about people's sexuality.
Brian: I'm obsessed with Penny's tits for fuck's sake.
Susan: Which are big, false plastic ones how much gayer can you get?
Brian: Do you think that people are gonna think that I invited JP to the flat for some other reason than that he wanted a place to stay?
Susan: Did you?
Brian: No.
Susan: Are you sure?
Brian: It was before I knew he was gay for fuck's sake!
Susan: Maybe it was because subconsciously you already knew that he was.
Susan walks through a door leaving Brian with a pensive look on his face.
Cut to Susan in a classroom with her tutor group.
Susan: (looking at a sheet, sighing) I know you've got your heart set on beauty therapy Gail, but you'll never be stuck for work as a plasterer.
Cut to Kurt's classroom.
Kurt: How does aircraft maintenance engineering sound to you Graham?
Graham (a pupil) nods with agreement.
Kurt: Well you've fallen a little short of that, top of the list. Shop fitter.
Cut to Simon's classroom.
Simon: I knew one of you had to have a spark of creativity, (looks at sheet of paper) best option - performance orientated work, actor, dancer, musician. Curtis. You see deep down I knew there was a creative artist screaming to be let out.
Curtis: I did fancy the young peoples theatre last summer.
Simon: Fantastic why don't you try it this year, what have you got to lose?
Curtis: I don't think they'll be looking for more admin staff.
Bell rings.
Cut to JP walking down a flight of stairs. Simon, Kurt and a reluctant Brian follow behind him.
Simon: JP! - You're the man to help us - where are the local pick up joints for men?
JP: Gay men?
Kurt: We're just interested.
Simon: Not really interested, just mildly curious.
Kurt: For research purposes.
JP: Mildly curious research?
Simon: We've got this friend and he's having a tough time coming to terms with certain things about himself.
JP: You mean he might be bent?
Simon: Exactly, so we thought the least we could do is find out about the local gay scene, pick up some leaflets and stuff for him.
Brian: What?
Simon: It's not an easy time, he needs out support.
Kurt: Yeah, as a matter of interest, can you automatically tell who's gay and who isn't?
JP: Well no, but if I look very deep into someone's eyes...
Simon: Really?
Brian: Susan?!
JP: (to Simon) It isn't you, is it?
Simon: No it fucking isn't, I'm 100% heterosexual thank you very much.
JP: Oh believe me no-one is 100% heterosexual.
Cut to Susan and Brian walking round outside the school.
Brian: I'm not a poof.
Susan: You're not gay.
Brian: I know I'm not.
Susan: The word is gay not poof.
Brian: All right I'm not fucking gay.
Susan: Why are you so scared of it?
Brian: I'm not.
Susan: Are you scared of JP?
Brian: No.
Susan: You like him?
Brian: He's alright yeah.
Susan: Of course this could just be a singular infatuation; it could be that it's only JP you're attracted to, not the whole gay thing. You've been starved of people to admire, along comes someone new and dynamic...
Brian: I do not fancy JP.
Susan: People get crushes all the time Brian, there's no law restricting them to the opposite sex - you must've had crushes on blokes before or idols.
Brian: No.
Susan: No little admiration thing that may have tipped into something deeper?
Brian: Maybe Bryan Robson at his peak?
Susan: There you go then.
Brian: I didn't wanna sleep with him!
Susan: Some things go deeper than sex, Brian.
Cut to the staffroom.
Simon: How is he?
Susan: He's confused, worried, concerned...
Kurt: Ah just where we want him.
Susan: You don't think we should lay off... a bit?
Simon and Kurt: Nah!
Cut to Brian, Kurt and JP's flat where Kurt is sat at the computer, Brian is already at the table eating his dinner and JP sits down to join him.
JP: How you doing?
Brian: Alright.
Kurt meanwhile clicks something on the computer which makes the words "very cosy!" come up on the screen that because of the way they are seated Brian can see, but JP cant.
Brian: I've got to err...
Brian gets up and leaves the table and goes to his room.
JP: What about your dinner?
Kurt gets up from the computer and seats himself in Brian's vacated seat.
Kurt: Well if he's not hungry.
Kurt tucks into Brian's dinner.
Cut to Jenny and Susan's flat.
Jenny opens the door to Brian.
Jenny: We're eating.
Brian: Great, I'm starving.
Alec: Let me get this straight - people tell you, you might be gay and you just accept it?
Brian: Well...
Alec: If I told you, you were a mechanic would you fix my car?
Brian: I'd probably have a go, yeah.
Alec: Have you had confused feelings about yourself before?
Brian: I like women!
Alec: There you go. Case solved.
Susan: Gay men like women too.
Brian: I know you said one night stands don't count but... I mean me and Jenny shagged and there was no problem.
Alec looks up from his dinner first at Brian and then at Jenny.
Brian: I mean it was pretty good.
Susan: He didn't ask you to indulge in any fantasy situations? - Paste on a moustache, touch your toes and think of England?
Brian: We shagged and a gay man wouldn't have done that.
Alec: You slept with him?
Cut to the next morning - Brian, Kurt and JP's flat.
Brian: Mornin'
JP: Mornin'
Kurt: Did you get it sorted?
Brian: What?
Kurt: You went round to see Susan yeah?
Brian: How do you know?
Kurt: Ah lucky guess - come to any conclusions?
Brian: I'll be in the car.
Cut to Brian and Kurt in the car on the way to work / school.
Kurt is messing with the radio and finds "Gloria Gaynor's I am what I am"
Kurt: Yes!
Radio: #I am what I am, I don't want praise, I don't want pity. I bang my own drum some think its noise I think it's pretty. And so what if I love each bauble and each bangle, why not try to see things from a different angle? Your life is a sham, until you can shout out I am what I am#
Cut to the entrance to the school.
Simon: How's he doing?
Kurt: Still on the endangered species list.
Simon: Uncertain man.
Kurt: Found only on the slopes of could-be-a-poof mountain.
Kurt and Simon laugh.
Cut to an interior corridor.
Jenny: Thanks for last night Brian. Alec really needed to know about you and me.
Brian: It just came out sorry.
Jenny: Next time you feel worried about something do us all a favour and keep it to yourself.
Simon: Actually when you look at Jenny, there's something quite boyish about her isn't there?
Brian: Hang on you slept with her too.
Simon: (holding up a magazine) Just out of interest, which one of these does it for you?
Cut to the staffroom where Kurt and Simon are still bothering Brian.
Simon: What about this one, I think he's more your type?
Kurt: He's not unlike JP actually.
Brian: Where? - Have you not got anything better to do?
Kurt: Let me think... no.
Simon: No, No - Well if none of these appeal.
Brian: Will you fuck off?
Kurt: We're only trying to help.
Simon: Coming to terms with a whole new sexual identity can't be easy.
Brian opens his locker to see that they Simon and Kurt have stuck pictures of men on the inside.
Liz: Any problems?
Brian: No.
Liz: As school secretary, I like to stay ahead of the game, spot any crisis before they arrive.
Simon: Don't worry Liz we're on top of it.
Liz: Just to let you know, boss wants you to stay away from the guest buffet .tomorrow, its limited to senior staff members, organisers and guests.
Kurt: What about hard working members of staff?
Liz: Bring sandwiches.
Simon: Why don't you keep this to have a look at?
Kurt: Or put on your locker door...
Simon: Show us your favourites later, the JP look-alikes on page 22.
Brian looks at the magazine and a model that looks very much like JP is in it, Brian has a dream sequence in which JP is moving towards him with no shirt on.
JP: (seeing what Brian is looking at) Blokes in thongs don't really do it for me.
Brian: Nor me.
Cut to the corridor where Brian is following JP.
Student: (To JP) Sir, do we have your lesson next?
JP: Oui.
Student: When's out assignment due sir?
JP: Vendredi.
Student: Any chance of an extension?
JP: Non.
JP: (to student) I'll be five minutes.
Cut to outside.
Brian: It's just that recently I've been having... doubts about some stuff.
JP: Can you be more specific?
Brian: Do you think it's possible, could someone spend most their lives being what they are and suddenly one day think maybe I'm not this thing at all?
JP picks up a tennis ball that has flown in their direction and throws it back to the students in a very girlish manner.
JP: Has this got something to do with Simon and Kurt?
Brian: What about them?
JP: About their friend who's in crisis - are you trying to tell me that you might be gay?
Brian picks up another tennis ball and hand it to JP.
JP: I'm not sure how what I can do to help?
Brian: You just have.
JP: When?
Cut to the area outside where Simon, Kurt and Susan are smoking.
Brian: He can't throw!
Kurt: Who can't?
Brian: JP.
Simon: So?
Brian: Well I can't fancy someone who can't throw can I?! - So you fuckers are just gonna have to find someone else to rip the piss out of.
Simon: You accepted a multitude of flaws in your past girlfriends - infact some of them had few redeeming features at all.
Susan: Maybe you're just more picky with your men?
Simon: Of course.
Brian: What?
Simon: Did you fancy every woman you saw?
Brian: Most of them.
Simon: But not all.
Brian: No.
Simon: So why should you fancy every bloke?
Kurt: JP's just not your type.
Simon: You require someone with a string throwing arm.
Kurt: And that someone might come along tomorrow.
Simon: Or the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that.
Brian again begins to look concerned.
Cut to Kurt driving through the middle of Bristol - Brian is in the passenger seat looking out of the window seeing if he can find a man he fancies.
Brian: No, no, no, no, definitely not.
Cut to the car park at the school.
Brian: Not one bloke out of hundreds.
Kurt: Could take longer than one morning.
Cut to the staffroom.
Jenny: As soon as you've finished your teas and coffees if we could gather together and make our way in to the hall, tutors can you make sure you turn up at your allotted times, we don't want a log jam in the hall, thank you.
Simon: You do realise you're one of only two people here who have the slightest interest in this?
Jenny: As long as the other one is Clare, I have to stand here like an idiot trying to inject some enthusiasm and sincerity into proceedings.
Simon: As long as you know.
Jenny: If I forget I've always got you to remind me.
Cut over to the lockers.
Brian opens his locker to find more pictures of men sellotaped inside - Liz is standing behind him at the time.
Liz: You've been summoned.
Brian: Sorry?
Liz: Boss wants to seen you after school.
Brian looks bemused.
Cut to Simon's classroom.
Simon: So everyone here is completely happy with where they're going the rest of their lives? Nothing I say is gonna change your minds? Then today's careers fair is a complete and utter waste of time?
Curtis: Can we use the session to do homework?
Simon: I give you the opportunity to skive off and the most exiting thing you can think of to do is your homework? - Fantastic.
Cut to Kurt's classroom.
Kurt: Not one of you has a clue what you wanna do?
Kurt sighs.
Kurt: So apart from running a lucrative protection racket, you two have no other careers ideas.
Student: No.
Kurt: No skills that you've learned through all your years at school which you think could help you find an alternative career?
Student: Can you think of any?
Kurt: If our paths should ever cross in later life, just remember I really top bloke and liked you very, very much.
Cut to the hall where Jenny is sitting waiting for people to come for the careers fair. The hall is empty except for the stands behind her.
Jenny: Come in.
Student: We just came to get some netballs.
Cut to Liz and Carol's office.
Brian: Why does she wanna see me?
Liz gestures that her lips are sealed.
Brian: You can't give me one tiny clue?
Liz: well it's nothing to do with your masterly skills as a teacher.
Brian: Why can't anyone be straight around here?
Liz: Oohhh giving yourself your own clues now?
(Buzzer)
Cut to Clare's office.
Clare: I'm all for people referring to their sexuality if it's in the interest of developing a more open and honest relationship with work colleagues, but I don't believe in using school property as a personal notice board.
Brian: Sorry?
Clare: Celebrate your sexuality by all means Brian but don't alienate people by ramming it down their throats, so to speak.
Brian leaves the office.
Liz: For what's it worth we both admire what you're doing, it can't be easy, all power to you. (Giggles)
Cut to Brian walking very purposefully down a corridor.
Brian: Are they in the staffroom?
Penny: Who?
Brian: Simon and Kurt?
Penny: Didn't see them, why?
Brian: Cos I'm gonna kill them.
Brian leaves and Simon, Kurt an Susan walk up
Penny: Brian's looking for you and he's majorly pissed off.
Kurt: How pissed off?
Penny: Says he's gonna kill you.
Simon: That pissed off.
Susan: D'you think we pushed him too far?
Simon: Nah, he was lovin' it.
Kurt: I think I'll head straight off.
Susan: Don't need to pick anything up from the staffroom?
Kurt: Just a jacket, I can leave it there for tomorrow.
Simon: No reason for me to go in their either.
Susan: Cowards.
Kurt: You think we're scared of Brian?
Susan: The marking in my locker can wait as well.
Jenny: Can anyone explain to me why virtually no-one turned up for the careers fair today?
Kurt: Not right now, no.
Cut to Brian in the staffroom - where he looks out of the window to see Simon, Kurt and Susan walking very fast in the direction of the car park.
Cut to the pub.
Jenny is downing half pints of Guinness.
Susan: Was Clare pissed off?
Jenny: No, she took it as an indication that we worked so diligently with the kids on their career choices, that most of them already had a clear idea about what they wanted to do.
Kurt: You're joking?!
Jenny: Yes, she wants me to see everyone after school tomorrow to asses the whole focus on the future fiasco. So shall we say 15:45 for tomorrows debrief?
Simon: I'd love to but I've got this dental thing.
Kurt: Brian's planning a major breakdown and I promised I'd be there.
Jenny: JP?
JP: No.
Jenny: Why not?
JP: It's extra curricular so I don't need and excuse.
Jenny: Fine.
Simon: Erm... Am I hearing things or did you just say "fine"?
Jenny: Like he said its extra curricular, I can't make him do it.
Kurt: Well I'm not doing it because I don't want to then.
Simon: Nor me.
Jenny: Ok.
Simon: What, that's it?
Jenny: I can only ask, if you say "no" you say "no". I don't give a toss any more, the fact that'll mean hours of extra work for me shouldn't change your minds.
Simon: Great.
Brian enters
Brian: Here they all are - sitting here planning any more little jokes to play in me?
JP: Sorry?
Brian: The magazines were annoying, pictures in the locker were going a bit far, but who the hell talked to Clare?
Kurt: Does Clare know?
Brian: This is all just a big laugh to you isn't it, I'm a big laugh, a big useless lump you can take the piss out of whenever you want, don't worry "its only Brian".
Susan: We never meant to upset you.
Brian: Well I am upset, fucking upset.
Kurt: Bri!
Brian: I'm trying to sort out a lot of things here and all you can do is take the piss.
Simon: Why don't you sit down...?
Brian: I don't wanna sit down. From now on... you can all just fuck off.
Brian leaves.
Susan: Hands up who feels like a total shit?
Susan, Simon and Kurt raise their hands.
JP raises his hand.
JP: I know I haven't done any thing but I don't wanna feel left out.
Jenny raises her hand.
Cut to Brian, Kurt and JP's flat.
JP: I think you ought to go talk to him.
Kurt: Ah, he'll be alright in the morning, its best to leave him when he's like this.
JP: (knocking on Brian's bedroom door) Brian? - He's not here.
Kurt: He really is pissed off.
JP: Think we ought to go look for him?
Kurt: He's left Marjorie; if it was serious he would have taken his chicken.
Cut to the next morning where Kurt opens the door to Brian's bedroom to see that he hasn't returned.
Cut to JP riding his bike to school / work with Kurt hanging on to the back.
Cut to Brian waking up underneath what appears to be a gym mat - pan out very quickly to reveal that infact he has been sleeping in the gym equipment cupboard in the school.
Cut to a doorway in the school.
Simon: What's the tactic?
Susan: The last thing we wanna do is upset him again.
Simon: So?
Kurt: We grovel?
Susan: We make it clear how bad we feel about what's happened and if there's any way on earth to make it up to him - however humiliating - we will.
Simon: Grovel it is.
Brian comes down a flight of stairs.
Kurt: Where the hell were you last night?
Simon: What happened to crawling?
Kurt: (seeing the state of Brian's face) Fuck me what have you done to yourself, surely you weren't that desperate?
Brian: I was shaving.
Simon: What with a hedge trimmer?
Brian: Scalpel from the biology lab.
Kurt: I was worried about you, anything could've happened.
Brian: Like what?
Simon: You were in an emotional state you were capable of anything.
Brian: Were you worried something had happened, or were you worried how you'd feel if something had happened?
Kurt: You couldn't have picked up a fucking phone?
Susan: What Kurt's trying to say in his own concerned, caring way is ... Are you ok?
Brian: What do you care?
Simon: You're still pissed off, that's fair enough.
Kurt: It was a wind up that's all.
Susan: Really sensitively handled, well done.
Cut to the staffroom where Brian is in a somewhat surprisingly jovial mood.
Brian: (To penny) Cup of coffee?
Penny: I can do it.
Brian: No let me. How's it going?
Penny: Pretty good. You?
Brian: Great.
Jenny: What's happened to your face?
Brian: Blunt scalpel.
Jenny: That'll do it.
Brian: (To another member of staff) Can I top you up?
Simon: What's he doing?
Kurt: I don't know but it's frightening.
The arrival of Clare is signalled by Carol clapping.
Clare: Thank you for all your efforts over the last few days, those of you who have put any effort in. Jenny what's the schedule for today?
Jenny: I had hoped to have a debrief session at the end of the afternoon, but most of the tutors are unavailable.
Clare: They can't find five minutes to benefit their students?
Jenny: Apparently not.
Clare: Really? - I'd certainly like to hear the reasons why.
Simon: I can change what I had planned.
Kurt: Me too not a problem.
Susan: Should be fine.
JP: I've already said I can't do it.
Clare: You can't cancel whatever you've got on?
JP: Sorry.
Clare: Can you manage with who you have?
Jenny: I think so.
Clare: Good. Just to say you haven't heard the last of focus on the future. Carol will be handing out questionnaires to all tutors, and I'll require detailed reason as to why it wasn't all it should have been. That goes for everyone.
Jenny: Thank you so much for suddenly becoming available.
Simon: Don't mention it.
Brian is leaving the staffroom with a few of the female members of staff and they are all laughing.
Kurt: Err... hang on a sec mate. How long do you think he'll keep this up?
Susan: As long as it takes him to work out that we really do know we went too far this time.
Bell rings.
Cut to JP's classroom.
JP: What's this, a delegation?
Kurt: It's Brian.
JP: What have you done to him now?
Simon: He's really fucked up.
JP: Can you blame him?
Susan: Will you have a word?
JP: Why can't you have a word?
Simon: He doesn't want anything to do with us. Anyway this gay stuff's got him all confused.
Kurt: It'd be better coming from a...expert.
JP: As long as you're prepared for the consequences.
Kurt: What consequences?
JP: Well if he's still confused, there's only one of two ways this can go, it might not necessarily end the way you want it to.
Cut to a corridor where Brian is telling off a student.
Brian: Four times in two weeks, you're just not on there, how many times do I have to tell you, how many times?
Kurt: (to JP) There's your target.
Simon: We're banking on you, don't piss around, just get in there and sort it out.
Brian: Don't back chat me!
JP: Brian.
Brian: If I catch you with this ball again I will confiscate it, do you understand?
Simon: I've been thinking, this gay thing with Brian may not be so bad for you after all, he may learn to cook or something? Become a lot more house proud, become more sensitive, caring...
Cut to a scene of Brian in a perfectly clean flat smelling his freshly baked pie.
Brian: Mmmm!
Kurt: I'm scared.
Cut to outside where Brian and JP are walking and having a conversation.
JP: I've been thinking about what you said earlier.
Brian: What?
JP: About you wondering whether someone can live their lives as one thing and then find that they're something else.
Brian: It's all right now.
JP: Is it?
Brian: Yeah.
JP: No confusion?
Brian: You've been talking to those wankers haven't you? Have they put you up to this?
JP: They're really upset.
Brian: Good.
JP: They're worried that you might still be feeling mixed up, that there might have been things you quite liked about being different.
Brian: There were a few.
JP: Like what?
Brian: Do you find, being a gay man, you can talk to women a lot easier?
JP: Suppose so?
Brian: Same here - it's a fucking revelation, if I worry about my sexuality, I have no trouble chatting to them.
JP: But you're not a gay man.
Brian: Can you tell?
JP: Let me come straight to the point, do you like men?
Brian: Some.
JP: In a sexual way?
Brian: Sorry?
JP: Does the sight of an erect penis turn you on?
Brian: Christ, you lot don't hang about do you?
JP: I mean would you like one stuck up your arse or maybe you'd like to stick yours up someone else's arse?
Brian: Steady on!
Bell rings.
Cut to Kurt's classroom.
Kurt: Graham. I just wanted to say ignore what anyone, especially me, tells you about your career choice, chances are id be pushing you in a direction you don't really want to be going in any way, I'm sure there are many, many semi-retarded aeronautic engineers out there.
Cut to Simon's classroom.
Simon: I'm sure I already know the answer to this but... how do you feel the careers days went? Anyone got anything to say at all?
Simon: Curtis!
Curtis: I've been thinking about what came up for me on the computer.
Simon: And?
Curtis: I told my dad I needed to take a year out, sort out what I want to do.
Simon: What...did he say?
Curtis: Nothing.
Simon: Well, that's good.
Curtis: Then I mentioned the theatre thing.
Simon: And?
Curtis: He's coming in to see you.
Simon: I never said that you shouldn't go into banking did I?
Curtis: No, not in so many words but I knew what you meant.
Simon: No, you didn't, I was just making sure that you were absolutely certain that the choice you were making was the right one for you and in your case I think it is, absolutely the right choice.
Curtis: Is it?
Simon: There's no need for your dad to some down here - as soon as you get home just tell him that your teacher was just highlighting alternatives, so you'd be absolutely certain, with no reservations that banking really was the job for you, which it is. - Probably.
Cut to the staffroom.
Kurt: Well, how'd it go?
Susan: What did he say?
JP: I've never seen Brian like that before.
Susan: Like what?
JP: It's hard to explain.
Kurt: Well, is he still angry?
JP: Not really angry, more... resigned.
Kurt: Resigned to what?
JP: (gesturing towards Susan) He wants to speak to you.
Susan: Me?
Kurt: Well why not me?
JP: I think its best to let her go on her own, Brian still has unresolved issues with you.
Kurt: He's right; you go on your own, yeah.
Cut to Kurt's classroom where through a window we can see that Brian and Susan are talking outside, Simon and Kurt are watching the conversation trying to decipher what is being said.
Simon: What's he saying?
Kurt: I think he just said "bastards" again - maybe I should've talked to him.
Simon: Yeah... but he won't hit Susan.
Simon and Kurt leave the classroom.
Cut to the staffroom.
Simon mouths 'how is he?' to Susan.
Susan gestures that he is still unsure.
Kurt: You all right?
Brian: Never better.
Simon: Not... angry?
Brian: No.
Kurt: Furious?
Brian: No.
Kurt: What's that?
Brian: It's all about section 28 - did you know there's nothing in law prevents a teacher referring to his or her sexual orientation, if its in the context of harbouring a professional relationship of honesty between teacher and pupil.
Kurt: Really?
Simon: But your sexual orientation's obvious isn't it?
Brian: Is it?
Kurt and Simon look bewildered.
Brian: I need to talk to you, privately, there's...something you need to know.
Kurt: Oh shit.
Brian: Maybe we could go for a drink later?
Kurt: We always go for a drink.
Brian: I mean 'go for a drink'.
Kurt gulps.
Brian: (Taking hold of Kurt's hand) It is important.
Cut to Susan and Kurt walking to the pub.
Kurt: He asked me out!
Susan: I think it's quite sweet.
Kurt: You are fucking joking!
Susan: It's only a drink, just remember you're allowed to say no at any time - it's a first date after all.
Kurt: This is not funny!
Susan: I know.
Kurt: What the fuck am I gonna do?
Susan: Go along with it until it plays itself out.
Kurt: What if it doesn't?
Susan: Ask JP what it was like being a gay man in a straight flat.
Kurt: It was fine.
Susan: Then being a straight man in a gay flat should be fine too - just a case of getting used to listening to Barbara Streisand and watching old Bette Davis movies.
Kurt looks concerned.
Cut to the inside of the pub where Susan, Simon, Penny, Jenny and Kurt are sitting at a table.
Jenny: No JP?
Simon: I asked him to have another go at Brian. Explaining the wisdom of keeping an alternative lifestyle...alternative.
Susan: They're probably down the pink flamingo, knocking back blue daiquiris now.
Jenny: Ok, I'm ready to hear your feeble excuses as to why you didn't turn up for the careers fair.
Simon: Brian, What you drinking mate?
Brian: Err...Bacardi and coke...cheers.
Kurt: Bacardi and Coke?
Brian: With a twist of lemon. (To Kurt) Any chance of that word now?
Kurt: Can't it wait?
Brian: No.
Kurt: Shit.
Penny: What's happening?
JP: Brian's about to declare his undying love.
Penny: Oh sweet.
Brian: I really respect you. And you mean a lot to me. My feelings for you have grown into something more than friendship. It's only recently I've realised how much you mean to me.
Kurt: That's err...
Brian: But I've also realised its not enough.
Kurt: Isn't it?
Brian: You were right about me and JP. I do have deep feelings for him. Deep feelings.
Kurt: Shit.
Brian: In fact we want to live together.
Kurt: You already do?
Brian: (sighs) I know how hard it would be for you, seeing us every day and I think it best for all of us...especially you, if you moved out.
Kurt: You...want me out of the flat?
Brian: Two's company and three's a crowd. Especially if the third's not... one of us.
Simon chokes on his drink in the background.
Kurt: But you're not gay.
Brian: That's what I thought too. But everything you and Simon have said over the past few days suddenly made sense. Everything that you pointed out to me just proved that I was wrong.
Kurt: It was a wind up, for fuck's sake, tell him it wasn't real! - I was making it up I didn't mean any of it.
Brian: All the evidence is there.
Kurt: No, it was a piss take! - You want evidence, irrefutable evidence? Show him!
Brian: What's this?
Kurt: This is where the whole fucking thing started. I made up the stuff about hair dresser and flight attendant. Your real kudos result is fireman, officer, builder!
Brian: Fireman?
Kurt: I'm sorry.
Brian: How sorry?
Kurt: Really...really sorry.
Brian: About fucking time! (To Simon) Take this back and get us a pint.
Everyone around the table laughs.
Kurt: You are a conniving, piss taking twat!
Brian: And you are a lying, back stabbing little shit!
Susan: That's cleared that up then.
Brian: I have learned one important lesson from all this though.
Susan: Humility, compassion, understanding?
Brian: It's easier to get on with women when you're a queen, next time I go out on the pull I'm going gay no fucking question.
(All jeer)
Penny: (Reading from sheet) Fireman, policeman, construction worker. Isn't that three fifths of the village people?
(All jeer and throw beer mats at penny throughout the credits).
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