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Series 2, Episode 1
reveiw | transcript | screencaps | quiz
[Scene: Somewhere in Bristol. Simon, Brian and Kurt are walking over a bridge.]
Simon: Ok, right, ok. You've got a terminal illness, but you get to shag Angelina Jolie. Or, you've won the lottery, but you have to shag Sue Pollard. And that fucking Welsh one.
Brian: Bastard!
Kurt: Pollard and the Welsh one.
Cut to the pub. Susan is at the bar. They slide a wicker donkey in front of her.
Susan: Welcome back. (They sit down) Shame you didn't give this to me earlier, everyone could have admired it. At the Inset day you were supposed to come to while you were sunning yourselves on a beach.
Simon: What did you do that for?
Susan: What?
Simon: Mention work. We're trying to enjoy ourselves. (Sighs) Don't wanna go to school tomorrow.
Susan: Aahhh.
Brian: I do.
Simon: I hate the first day back. I get this kind of... knot here. It's that feeling when you just know everything's gonna be the same. Same old faces, same students, same old fucking routine.
Susan: I know it's against the rules for the first day back to be anything less than absolute misery and torture. Still, look on the bright side.
Simon: Which is?
Susan: No. There isn't one.
Cut to Simon biking through Bristol. As he comes through the school gates a sign saying "Welcome Back" falls away to reveal the caption "Tuesday".
Cut to Simon, Brian, Kurt and Susan walking through the playground.
Susan: Morning.
Simon: Don't be so cheerful.
Susan: Sorry. There is a reason for it.
Simon: Insanity?
Susan: I just got my decree absolute through.
Simon: Excellent. I mean, like, are you ok?
Susan: Fine. Now can we just get back to taking the piss out of Brian's suit?
Brian: What's wrong with it?
Cut to an entrance.
Simon: (To students) Oi, you lot! If you want to piss about do it in the playground. (To JP who he has not yet met) Are you deaf?
[JP looks at him strangely and walks off. The four go inside and Simon sees Jenny.]
Simon: Oh fuck, I forgot about her.
Susan: You're gonna have to talk to her sometime.
[Simon runs to catch her up.]
Simon: Jenny! Alright?
Jenny: Fine, thanks.
Simon: Great.
Jenny: Shall I say it for you?
Simon: Say what? Yeah, yeah, go on then.
Jenny: Whatever twisted spark of attraction there was between us has now thankfully gone since we had sex, ok?
Simon: Yeah. Yeah.
Cut to outside the staffroom. Susan, Brian and Kurt approach the door.
Susan: Go on, then.
Kurt: After you.
Brian: (To Simon, who arrives) Last here, first in.
Simon: Me?
[He approaches the door hearing echoing voices, opens it slightly and imagines...]
Clare: Student assessments.
Bob: Mark by Friday.
Liz: Memo for the new term.
Clare: Fill them in by tomorrow.
[The door slams shut. Susan comes forward and steadies him.]
Susan: Ready?
[She pushes the door open and they walk into the staffroom. Carol is going through some papers.]
Susan: (To Kurt) Look, she's had a makeover done especially for you! She looks like a little pineapple.
[Carol waves to Kurt. Jenny enters with a blonde woman.]
Brian: Holy fuck. Who's she?
[Kurt and Brian both look up from their drinks as they are approached.]
Jenny: (To Penny) This is Simon, Kurt, Brian. (To them) This is Penny.
[The guys grunt.]
Jenny: I'm Penny's mentor for the year. (To Penny) Just for your information I have shagged Brian and Simon. Personally I'd recommend Brian. Much more fun and much less complicated.
Simon: What do you mean "more fun"? Not that I'm bothered, it's just so I know for next time, I don't mean with you, obviously...
Jenny: (To Penny) See what I mean?
[Simon sits down with the others.]
Simon: (To Brian) What did you do that was so special?
[Clare comes in with JP and Carol claps for everyone's attention.]
Clare: I just wanted to say, welcome back everyone.
Simon: What's Clare doing with that sixth former?
Clare: There's nothing major to report except it looks as though Angie won't be back for at least six months. For those of you with new tutor groups, any queries you can see me later. I'm sure you're all as excited as I am about the start of this new school year. Let's work on our achievements so far and really push to make this year better than the last. I know you won't let me down.
Susan: No pressure there then.
Clare: (To Simon, Kurt and Brian) I'm sure the three of you have got a good explanation for not being here yesterday?
All: Our flight was delayed.
Clare: This is our new languages teacher, John-Paul Keating. (To Simon) JP's in your old room and you're in Jenny's room.
Simon: What? I mean... why?
Clare: Change is the enemy of complacency. (She leaves)
Simon: What does she mean? I'm not complacent.
Brian: No, but you're a lazy twat. Same thing.
Liz: (To Kurt)Carol can't wait to find out what you bought her back from Tenerife.
Carol: (To Kurt) S-see you later.
Cut to by the lockers in the staffroom.
Kurt: For fuck's sake. I ignore her all summer, she still thinks I'm going out with her. What is it about me d'ya think?
Brian: Must be that look you've got. The one that says "I'm desperate, permanently available and no one else will have me."
Cut to a corridor. Simon and Susan are walking a little way behind JP and Penny.
Simon: Why didn't you say anything about him last night?
Susan: I thought it would be a nice surprise for you seeing as how you were whinging about everything being the same.
Simon: He looks about 12.
Susan: Not bad looking though.
Simon: You wait 'til he hits puberty, he'll be covered in spots.
Susan: In fact he's quite attractive.
Simon: (sighs) I don't know why Clare had to move me to Jenny's old room.
Susan: Ugh, there's no pleasing you is there? You moan about everything being the same and something changes and you moan even more.
Simon: I know but it was... my room.
Susan: Ahh. Do you want me to go with you into your new classroom? Actually, he's more than attractive, he's lovely. (Off Simon's look) Well, he is.
Simon: Stop staring, it's... rude.
[Susan runs over to JP.]
Susan: You got everything you need, JP?
JP: I think so, thanks.
[He goes into his classroom and Simon comes over.]
Susan: What's up with you?
Simon: (In girly voice) "Got everything you need, JP?"
Susan: It's just being friendly.
Simon: Yeah, right.
Susan: What's that supposed to mean?
Simon: Nothing, it's just the way you said it.
[JP comes out his room.]
JP: Sorry. I can't find the register. Do I get one off the secretary?
Susan: Only if you don't mind being interrogated about your personal life. I'll get one for you.
JP: No it's ok...
Susan: It's no bother. Leave it with me.
JP: Thanks. Just drop it in whenever.
[He goes back in and Simon starts to laugh.]
Susan: What?
Simon: Look at you!
Susan: What!
Simon: You've gone all red! You fancy him, don't you?
Susan: No.
Simon: Then why, why have your pupils gone really big? I bet you've got palpitations, you'll be breaking out in a sweat in a minute.
Susan: Stop it.
Simon: You do, you fancy him.
Susan: Of course I don't.
Simon: Yeah you do.
Susan: I can't, it's me we're talking about. I never see anyone I fancy.
Simon: You must have fancied Peter once.
Susan: I suppose.
Simon: I bet you went all red, got palpitations and ran around after him going "Got everything you need, Peter?"
Susan: No, I didn't. Hmm, well actually, now you mention it...
Simon: There you go then. You're displaying all the classic symptoms of fancying someone.
Susan: Am I? Oh God, maybe I am. Fucking hell! Oh that's all I need.
Cut to Simon's classroom. He walks in.
Simon: Ok! Sit down, shut up, stop enjoying yourselves...
[He looks up and realises the whole class is sitting in silence.]
Simon: Someone say... something?
All: Morning, Sir.
Simon: Morning.
Cut to Kurt's classroom.
Kurt: Stand up those of you who wanna go on to Year 12.
[The whole class stand up. They tower above him. Kurt takes this in.]
Kurt: S-sit down.
Cut to Brian's classroom.
Brian: I know it's hard trying to find your way around a new place. When I first came here it took me a year to find the canteen.
Kayla: Maybe you shouldn't be teaching geography then.
(The class all laugh)
Brian: That's very good Kylie.
Kayla: Kay-la.
Cut back to Simon's room.
Simon: Alright Katherine with a K, tell me something about yourself.
Katherine: Like what?
Simon: Anything. Likes, dislikes, what you hat most about school...
Katherine: I like school.
Simon: Right...
Cut to JP's room. Susan comes in.
JP: Later on would have been fine.
Susan: Well it was on my way anyway. Let me know if you need anything else, books, paper, Valium.
JP: Thanks.
[Susan starts to leave and catches Simon looking at her through the window with raised eyebrows.]
Cut back to Simon's room.
Simon: OK! How about a song?
Cut to Brian's room.
Brian: If there's one bit of advice I want you to remember...
(Giggling)
Brian: Is it something more interesting than this?
Girl: No, we were talking about you. She says you live with two blokes. I thought you might be gay, but Kayla says you're not.
Kayla: You haven't got a girlfriend though, have you?
Brian: I might have.
Kayla: Who is she then?
Brian: Her name is... Rio. And she's... very attractive.
Cut to Kurt's room.
Kurt: Any questions so far?
[The class all look towards the door where Carol is passing. She waves to Kurt as she goes past.]
Student: Is she your girlfriend now?
Kurt: No.
(The class all laugh)
Cut to Simon's room. The bell goes. The class stay sitting in silence.
Simon: That sound you can hear is the bell. Which means you can go.
[They all get up and leave]
Cut to a corridor.
Susan: Lost?
JP: I'm trying to find the library.
Susan: Oh, it's that way.
JP: Thanks.
[He turns around to walk off, but Susan notices and pulls a piece of paper saying "Shag me" off his back. She holds it up and they both laugh.]
Susan: Could've been worse, it could've said "Don't shag me."
JP: Getting to be a bit of a habit this, you helping me out.
Susan: Well, I wouldn't worry about it I do it for everyone. So if you ever need any personal counselling you know where to come. And I'm very cheap.
JP: I'll bear that in mind. (They start to walk.) So who do you go to if you need advice?
Susan: Er... If I'm absolutely desperate, Simon, but I'd have to be really, really, really desperate, in fact, I'd have to be completely mental. (Laughs) Which is probably how I'm coming across right now.
JP: You're not.
Susan: You're just being polite cos you're new?
JP: No, you don't strike me as being particularly mental.
[He walks off and Susan walks back up the corridor and meets Simon]
Simon: Alright?
Susan: No, not really.
Simon: Me neither, I've got the fucking Midwich Cuckoos for a tutor group. So what's your problem?
Susan: Bit complicated.
Simon: Oh, right.
Susan: Not only do I think I fancy him but I quite like him as well.
Simon: And?
Susan: Well, that's the problem, isn't it?
Simon: Is it?
Susan: Yes! It would be fine if I fancied him but e was a complete bastard, I could handle that, but he's not, which just messes everything up. Bollocks. Why does he have to be nice?
Simon: He could be a bastard in his spare time.
Susan: And he's really fit. Say something to reassure me this isn't really happening.
Simon: Ok. Your name is Susan. You're the sensible one. You don't run around leching after people, you give us advice, tell us not to run around leching after people. Better?
Susan: Yeah. Thanks.
[She sees JP nearby.]
Susan: Did he... look at me? Just then?
[Simon takes a deep breath and walks off. Susan goes back inside.]
Cut to another corridor. Kurt come up the stairs and sees a familiar shadow coming around a corner. He quickly runs off, as a student comes around the corner holding a pineapple on their head.
Cut to the toilets, where Brian is changing. Kurt runs in.
Kurt: She's out there.
Brian: Who?
Kurt: Carol. I keep seeing her everywhere. Shouldn't you be doing that in a phonebox?
Brian: Piss off.
[JP comes in.]
JP: Alright?
Kurt: So. So... you know.
Brian: Yeah.
Kurt: Yeah? Good.
[JP comes out of his cubicle and washes his hands. Kurt hands him a paper towel. He dries his hands and leaves.]
Brian: Seems alright doesn't he?
Kurt: Will you tell her I don't want to go out with her? I'm too scared.
Brian: No chance.
Cut to the staffroom.
Susan: Let's just go and talk to them.
Simon: It's home time.
Susan: Come on. We can invite them to the pub.
[She drags him over to JP and Penny.]
Susan: We just thought we'd come and say hello and see how you got on today. First days are always the worst, aren't they, you never know who to talk to, who to avoid. I remember on my first day I couldn't talk to anyone I was so nervous. Well, obviously I said hello... (She giggles nervously, and there is an awkward silence.)
JP: See you tomorrow.
Susan: Nice to t-talk to you.
[JP and Penny leave. Susan hits Simon.]
Simon: Ow!
Cut to the other side of the room.
Penny: Does she really teach psychology?
JP: Ah, she's not that bad. In fact I think she's quite sweet.
Cut to a corridor.
Susan: What is wrong with me? I try and have a nice normal conversation with him and I end up talking absolute bollocks.
Simon: I'm sure he didn't notice that you made a complete twat of yourself and forgot to ask him for a drink.
Susan: See, I can't even get that right.
Brian: (Catching up, with Kurt) Ask who for a drink?
Susan: (To Simon) If you tell them I'll make your life a living hell.
Simon: Sorry, I can't say. (Mouths)
Kurt and Brian: JP!
Brian: You fancy JP?
Susan: I fucking hate you Simon Casey.
Cut to the pub. Kurt phone beeps.
Kurt: That was her. Help me, I need advice.
Susan: Never wear orange.
Kurt: (To Jenny) You're late.
Simon: Been busy sacrificing small children again?
Jenny: No. Bob wanted to talk to me about this term's extracurricular activities. I told him you'd volunteer to help out.
Simon: Cheers.
Jenny: So, what's the verdict on JP and Penny?
Brian: Un-fucking-believable.
Simon: I could always take over as Penny's mentor if you couldn't cope.
Jenny: I don't think so. We're supposed to be encouraging her into teaching, not putting her off.
Simon: I wouldn't try to put her off.
Jenny: I know, you'd do it without any effort at all.
Kurt: Mm. Susan fancies JP.
Susan: Why don't you just tell the entire pub?
Kurt: No, they wouldn't know who JP is.
Jenny: And?
Susan: And nothing. I just fancy him, that's all. No big deal. If I think about it rationally it's probably just a reaction to finding out about my divorce. I've discovered I can fancy someone. I won't do anything about it.
Jenny: Why not?
Simon: Don't encourage her.
Susan: Because I've just got used to my life being nice an uncomplicated, i.e. being single. Why go and mess it up by going out with JP? God, I can't stand this. I've just met him and I'm talking about going out with him.
Jenny: Well he is good looking.
Susan: Yeah. He is, isn't he? Shit. Anyway, he's probably not interested. Why would he be? In fact... I don't think he's really noticed me at all.
Brian: That's probably cos you're not a proper girl.
Susan: What's that supposed to mean? I'm a bloke?
Brian: I mean... you're like us. That's why we like you.
Susan: Stop there before you make me really depressed.
Brian: No, all I'm trying to say is... maybe if you did your hair a bit different or... wore a bit more makeup he might notice you more.
Susan: Do you think? God, what is happening to me, I'm taking advice from Brian. Help me.
Simon: You could always try running around the staffroom with a machete, he might take notice then.
Susan: Oh, fuck it. What have I got to lose?
Simon: You're gonna run around the staffroom with a machete?
Susan: No. I'm going to dress up like a girl.
Simon: Lovely.
Kurt: Hey!
Brian: Super.
Cut to the car park the next morning. Susan gets out her car dressed in a skirt and heels, and with her hair done up. A student wolf whistles, and then laughs as she trips.
Cut to a corridor. Penny comes in the door as Brian comes out a room.
Liz: Wasting your time there. She's celibate.
Brian: How do you know?
Liz: It's my job to know.
Brian: Someone said she was married. How can she be celibate and married?
Liz: If she was married to someone like you it's possible. Anyway, I'm only telling you what I've heard. Has Kurt said anything to you about Carol?
Brian: We don't talk about stuff like that.
Liz: Really? I'd have thought you'd be full of good advice about relationships. How's your girlfriend? Rio?
Brian: What?
[Liz smiles and walks off. Brian sees Kayla and a bunch of girls up the corridor and heads towards them.]
Brian: Have you been talking about me?
Kayla: Yeah, I've been telling everyone how brilliant you are.
Brian: You don't have to be sarky with me.
Kayla: I know, but it's fun! Why would I want to talk to anyone about you?
Brian: I dunno. Maybe you might have said something to another teacher or someone else.
Kayla: No. I can if you want me to though.
Brian: Not really.
Cut to outside the staffroom. Susan walks up. She throws her jacket over her shoulder, throws her hair back and slowly walks in. She smiles to JP who is by the sink.
Kurt: Look! You've got knees!
(They laugh)
Susan: What's wrong with my knees?
Simon: Nothing. As far as knees go they're lovely.
Susan: I don't laugh at your knees.
Simon: You can't see my knees.
Susan: I know, but if I could I wouldn't.
Simon: Oh, you're so sweet.
Susan: You just don't like it cos I look a bit different.
Simon: Oh, don't start.
Susan: What about if Kurt started wearing flip-flops? I bet that would really freak you out.
Simon: No.
Susan: Started wearing earrings...
Simon: No.
Susan: ...and a dress and talking Welsh?
Simon: Yeah, all right you've made your point.
Susan: Jenny. Be honest. Do you think I look stupid? Like I'm trying too hard?
Jenny: No you look fine.
Cut over to the sink.
Liz: (To Kurt) I've got a message for you from Carol. She's busy with Clare, she told me to tell you to meet her in the canteen for lunch.
Kurt: (Sighs) Right.
Cut to the toilets.
Kurt: Can't I just email her?
Susan: No that's cowardly and we don't get the pleasure of seeing you squirm.
Kurt: Cheers.
Susan: You know deep down you're really being scared of being dumped yourself.
Kurt: Why would she wanna dump me?
Susan: No, it would take to long.
Kurt: Shall we just get on with it then?
Susan: Ok.
[Kurt comes out of his cubicle and into Susan's.]
Susan: So, I'm Carol. (She rolls her eyes around and makes a face)
Kurt: (groans)
Susan: Sorry. Go on then.
Kurt: (coughs)
Susan: I wouldn't do that; she'll think you've got emphysema.
Kurt: The thing is, Carol, the thing is... it's over.
Susan: Nice. Subtle. But try starting with something positive.
Kurt: Hi Carol. Nice... shoes.
Susan: You've done this before haven't you?
Kurt: No.
Susan: Er, something like, "Carol, you mean a lot to me."
Kurt: Carol, you mean a lot to me.
Susan: "And I've realised that I can't go on pretending that our relationship is anymore than just friendship. It's not fair, which is why I can't see you anymore."
Kurt: Yeah, sounds alright. Do you think it'll work?
Susan: Probably not. Good luck.
Kurt: Hang on!
Cut to outside. Kurt is dragging Susan with him to the canteen.
Susan: I really don't think I need to be there...
[JP comes out]
Susan: Hi! Canteen sandwich, risky.
JP: Thought I'd chance it. I am going the right way for Clare's office?
Susan: Er, it's that way.
JP: Close.
Susan: (laughs) It's through the double doors, right, left, up the... actually it's probably quicker if I show you. (She walks off with him)
Kurt: Susan!
JP: Think she wants to give me and Penny a little pep talk.
Susan: Bad luck.
JP: Is she really that bad?
Susan: Not if you have absolutely nothing to do with her.
JP: Anything else I should know?
Susan: Er... yeah, when you're in there, speak really quietly, cos Liz the secretary won't be able to listen in like she always does, which'll really piss her off.
JP: You've erm, you've smudged your make up a bit.
Susan: Have I?
JP: I can never get my head round why girls wear so much make up. Obviously some of them have to. But you don't.
Susan: Really?
JP: Yeah. Shit. I'm late. Er, thanks, I think I know the way from here. I'll see you later, eh?
Susan: Yeah! Bye, JP.
Cut to outside the canteen. Kurt looks through the window at Carol getting her lunch. She turns around from the queue and goes and sits down. Kurt goes inside, and Carol waves to him. He half-heartedly waves back. Susan and Kurt appear at the window.
Brian: Fiver says he'll bottle it.
Susan: No, he'll do it. He's trapped.
Cut to back inside. Kurt picks up a sandwich and turns around.
Brandon: (To other student) Fuck off. I was here first.
Student: What's your problem?
Brandon: What's your problem?
[They start to fight, with Kurt caught up in the middle, trying to break them apart. Susan and Brian see and run inside.]
Kurt: Break it up you two!
[Carol stands up as Kurt pushes them apart. Then Brandon goes for a punch and hits Kurt in the eye, knocking him over. Carol runs over.]
Brian: Leave it! What the hell was that all about?
Brandon: He took my seat.
Student: No I didn't.
Brian: Wait over there. I'll deal with you two later. Move it!
[Susan and Carol pick Kurt up and sit him in a chair while he holds tissue over his eye.]
Kurt: Oh God.
Carol: Are you ok?
Kurt: I can't... see you anymore.
[Carol stands up, clearly about to burst into tears.]
Kurt: I mean, I think I've gone blind.
Liz: (Coming in) Did I miss all the fun?
Brian: He walked into a fight. Don't worry I've sorted it.
Liz: Oh well done.
Brian: I just stepped in and...
Liz: (To Carol) Clare asked me to come and get you. Wants the minutes from the meeting this morning. (To Kurt) Sorry to drag her away from you.
Carol: See you later.
(Kurt groans)
Cut to outside. Simon and Kurt are drawing on Susan's knees.
Simon: You could always try, "Fuck off and die, Carol."
Brian: Or, "Carol, I've got mad cows disease."
[Bell goes.]
Susan: You can stop now children.
Simon: I haven't finished the moustache yet.
Susan: Aah.
Kurt: Well... what do I do next?
Susan: (Heading in) Er... you'll think of something. Simon?
Cut to a corridor. Susan is trying to clean off her knees and is arguing with Simon.
Simon: If they were both the same colour they'd be fine. (Over Susan) I'm not drawing attention to your knees, there's nothing wrong...
Susan: (Over Simon) Don't. Don't! Stop drawing attention to my knees! Stop it. Stop it!
[They stop as JP comes around the corner.]
Susan: (Laughing nervously) They... they said it was washable.
Simon: She only does it when she's bored.
[JP walks off.]
Susan: Thanks for that.
Simon: It's all right.
Susan: You're supposed to be my friend.
Simon: I am.
Susan: Why can't you be just a bit helpful about this whole JP thing?
Simon: I have.
Susan: No you haven't.
Simon: Alright, you could try... wearing stockings. What? Blokes like that sort of thing, and they'll hide your knees.
Susan: (Sharply) Will you leave my knees alone? (Pause) Why won't you take me seriously?
Simon: Because that's not what I'm here for.
Susan: Do you know what I think it is?
Simon: That I still feel abandoned by my mother?
Susan: No, although we could come back to that. It's because whenever you have the smallest problem I'm always there for you because that's what I do. But now I'm the one with the problem all you can see is your emotional crutch being taken away.
Simon: Bollocks.
Susan: You always say that when I've touched a nerve.
Simon: Alright, it might be about that a bit. Well, more than a bit.
Susan: Why can't the world revolve around someone other than you just this once?
Simon: Ok, I'm sorry. You are right. It's just I don't think I'm very good at this sort of thing, but I'll... try.
Susan: Will you?
Simon: Of course? What do I do? Do you want me to ask him out for you? Get Brian to... Get Kurt to ask... I-I-I could get Liz to ask...Although she'd probably...
Susan: You're right. Really not your strong point. (She walks off)
Cut to Simon's classroom.
Simon: Ok. You lot coming here today; it's a big change for you. New environment, new people. Is it good or bad?
Girl: Well bad.
Simon: Right, so change might be a bad thing.
Girl: No, school is. Change is alright.
Simon: But if you don't like the thing that's changed, how do you deal with it?
Kayla: You just get on with it. What's this got to do with what we're supposed to be working on?
Simon: I'm trying to make you... look at things from a... a wider... perspective.
Kayla: I was warned you'd be like this.
(The class laugh)
Simon: Like... what?
Kayla: Strange.
(The class laugh)
Simon: Right, you move here, come on. And you, there.
[The students involved move places.]
Simon: There. You're right. That was a change and that was good, wasn't it?
Cut to the toilets.
Brian: Fucking tragic.
Bob: What?
Brian: Penny. Apparently she's celibate. Last time a woman told me she was celibate she went off with another woman.
Bob: Maybe that's it then, eh?
Brian: What?
Bob: Penny. Maybe she wears comfortable shoes.
(Brian looks confused.)
Bob: Maybe she likes kd lang. Hanging around in locker rooms. Maybe she prefers women.
Brian: What, you mean she's a lezzer? Fucking hell. No, it can't be true. She smiled at me.
Bob: She smiled at me.
Brian: Shit, maybe it is true.
Cut to the staffroom. Simon and Susan are at the counter. Brian comes in.
Brian: (To Simon) Do you think Penny might be a dyke?
Simon: If she's been talking to you she's probably giving it some thought. (To Susan) Come on.
Susan: What are you doing?
Simon: Helping you.
Susan: What?
Bob: Susan, can I borrow you for a minute?
[Susan looks worried as Simon and Brian sit with JP and Penny. Kurt sits up from lying across some chairs.]
Simon: Hi! How's it going?
Penny: Great.
JP: Fine.
Simon: (To Kurt) Alright?
Kurt: (Sighs) I want to die.
Simon: Great, so, er... do you like your new classroom?
JP: Yeah, it's fine as classrooms go.
Simon: Good, good, I'm glad you've settled in. You'll be ok, everyone's really nice here. (To Brian and Kurt) Aren't they?
Brian: (Busy staring at Penny) Are they?
Simon: Susan's... Susan's really nice.
Brian: Who wants another coffee?
JP: I'm ok, thanks.
Brian: Penny?
Penny: Thanks, Brian. Two lumps.
(Heartbeat)
Brian: Sorry?
Penny: Of sugar.
[Brian goes off and Kurt collapses back across the chairs.]
Simon: Not that I'm trying to single Susan out or anything, but she's really, really nice. If ever you've got a problem, Susan's the one to go to.
Penny: Really?
Simon: Yeah, yeah, she's a good listener. Good... ears.
[He puts his thumb up to Susan across the room. The bell goes and they all get up.]
Simon: Nice talking to you. I'll see you later.
JP and Penny: Yeah.
[Susan grabs Simon and drags him into the copy room.]
Susan: What were you saying to him?
Simon: I was helping you.
Susan: How?
Simon: You know, I say a few nice things about you, he realises that if someone like me who's obviously got such good taste thinks you're great, then you must be alright. He takes the hint and asks you out.
Susan: Yeah, right. He thinks I draw on my knees.
(Simon laughs)
Susan: It's not funny.
Simon: Well if you're that bothered why don't you ask him out?
Susan: Don't be stupid.
Simon: Well, what's the worst that could happen?
Susan: He turns me down, I feel really humiliated, it puts me off ever talking to a fanciable bloke again, and I end up a sad lonely spinster who smells of gas.
Simon: That's it. Be positive.
Susan: So what should I do?
Simon: Just ask him for fuck's sake.
[He walks out.]
Susan: Isn't there an easier way?
Simon: (Off screen) No.
Cut to a stairwell. Kayla comes out of Liz and Carol's office and down the stairs.
Kayla: (To Brian) Hi, Sir.
[Susan comes out the office.]
Brian: Susan, what was exorcist girl doing in there?
Susan: Who?
Brian: Her!
[They look down the stairs, but Kayla is gone. Brian goes into the office.]
Cut to inside Liz and Carol's office.
Brian: What's she been saying about me?
Liz: Nothing, she's just been going on about Kurt all day.
Brian: What? Not Carol, Kayla.
Liz: Kayla?
Brian: She's been in to see Clare about me hasn't she, about my teaching.
Liz: Why would she do that?
Brian: Because I know she has. And you know, you must've heard. That thing you said to me before about Rio. My girlfriend. It came from her, didn't it?
Liz: That.
Brian: I knew it. The little bitch has been taking the piss out of me every time I see her. Even the way she smiles at me. She's been slagging off my teaching, hasn't she? Maybe I should see Clare.
Liz: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Brian: Why not?
Liz: Because she wouldn't know what you're talking about. Best way to handle Kayla - don't show she's getting to you. Trust me.
Brian: Hang on. Who's the teacher here, me or you?
Liz: You. That little bitch is my daughter. Still, she's lucky to be in your tutor group, and your geography class.
Brian: Is she?
Liz: Yeah. I know you'll help her to get really good grades.
Cut to the corridor. JP comes round a corner and walks past Simon and Susan.
Simon: Go on then.
Susan: I can't.
Simon: JP! Susan wanted to know...
Susan: If you fancied coming to the pub for a drink?
JP: Yeah, ok.
[He walks off.]
Susan: Well I'm not going to ask him out when you're there, am I?
[Kurt runs down the stairs and around the corner<
Kurt: (To Susan) Will you come with me?
Susan: Why does everyone always ask me to hold their hand for them? No.
Kurt: (To Simon) Uh?
(Simon laughs.)
Susan: Go on. You can do it.
Simon: Go on, mate.
[They push him back towards the stairs.]
Simon: He'll never do it.
Susan: I know.
Cut to Liz and Carol's office.
Liz: Come in, Kurt. Carol's just gone to the toilet. Said something about an overdose if you didn't come and see her.
Kurt: You're joking!
Liz: Yes. She won't be long.
Kurt: Actually, um, it's you I needed to see Liz.
Liz: Oooh, lucky me. What about.
Kurt: Erm... Well... I don't know where to start really, it's a bit... awkward.
Liz: I knew it. You're thinking of chucking her aren't you?
Kurt: Not exactly chucking. Yes. Except I can't tell her. I've tried, I just can't. She might... cry, or something. I mean, you're her friend, you know how to handle her. Can't you do it?
Liz: I could, but I won't.
Kurt: Oh please, Liz, I'm desperate. I'll make it worth your while, I'll give you anything. Here.
[He takes a bar of chocolate out of the carrier bag he is holding.]
Liz: You think I'd do something like that for a bar of chocolate?
[Kurt empties a whole bag of chocolate onto the desk.]
Liz laughs.
Cut to outside.
JP: Susan, can I come with you? I don't know where I'm going.
Susan: Yeah. Fine. (JP walks with her.) The only trouble with going for a drink after work is there's always a lot of people around. You don't get a chance to talk properly, you know, get to know someone. Obviously there'll be other people around. The barmaid.
(They both laugh)
Susan: What I'm trying to say is... Will you come out for a drink sometime? I mean... just with me.
JP: I don't think that's possible Susan. Sorry.
Susan: Oh God. I knew it. Sorry I should have realised. It's obvious.
JP: Is it?
Susan: Well, it is now I've made a complete arse of myself. You're married, aren't you? Sorry, I thought you were too young. I mean not too young, not, not, not 12, or anything...
JP: Susan... I'm gay. (He laughs) I thought you knew.
Susan: Well, I suspected, although I couldn't be sure if you were completely gay or...
JP: You didn't have a clue, did you?
Susan: No.
JP: I don't go round advertising it. Not when I'm this new.
Susan: Right. (Long awkward pause.) Can I just clear something else up?
JP: What?
Susan: I don't draw on my knees. Just in case you were wondering.
JP: I wasn't but thanks anyway.
Cut to the pub.
Jenny: You got Liz to do it?
Kurt: Well, women are better at that sort of stuff.
Jenny: Only because they know how pathetic men are.
Simon: Never mind, I'm sure she'll take it ok.
Kurt: I just hope she doesn't do anything... stupid.
Simon: What, like go back out with you?
Brian: I'm gonna put that fat little bitch in the swimming team. And make her dive to the bottom of the pool to fetch a brick. And hold her under for a very, very long time.
Simon: Liz's daughter.
Kurt: Liz has got a daughter?
Brian: Well, a few minutes anyway. (Pause.) So, do you reackon they're too heavy to float in water?
Simon: What, bricks or Liz's daughter?
Brian: Penny's tits.
Jenny: It was only a matter of time, I suppose.
Brian: It's like she's got two heads inside her top. I just wish...
Jenny: No, don't say it.
Brian: What?
Jenny: One of them was yours.
Brian: Are you psychic?
Simon: Anyway, you poor deluded fool, you don't stand a chance. She keeps smiling at me.
Brian: She smiled at me.
Kurt: She looked in my direction.
Jenny: You're all hopelessly misguided, as usual. She does that to everyone.
Brian: Including you?
Jenny: Yes, so obviously she fancies me.
Brian: You reckon?
Jenny: (Seeing JP and Susan come in) Well?
Simon: Fiver he said yes.
JP: Alright?
Simon: (To Susan) You sit here...
Susan: No it's ok. I'm getting the drinks in.
Simon: No, you sit down, I'll get the drinks in.
Susan: No, really, I'll get them. And you can come with me.
Cut over to the bar.
Simon: What's going on?
Susan: Nothing. Well, actually, I've changed my mind.
Simon: What, just like that?
Susan: Mm. I was thinking, it's probably not such a good idea to go out with someone from work, look at you and Jenny.
Simon: We didn't go out together, we just shagged.
Susan: Well, whatever. It would still be awkward. Besides, I think he's a bit young.
Simon: I said that. Which means you agree with me. That can't be right. He turned you down, didn't he?
Susan: No. I... chickened out of asking him.
Simon: Coward.
Susan: I know, I'm just crap. But at least it's all over with now.
Simon: Yeah, and it means you don't have to go out with someone with a poncy name. What sort of name is "JP" anyway? He's obviously got no taste. And you're too good for him. And...
Susan: Stop there. I think you're saying all this to make me feel better.
Simon: So does this mean you're gonna go back to being normal again?
Susan: I think so, yeah. Which is a good thing cos it means I can go back to taking the piss out of you.
Simon: Cheers. Shame really I was just getting used to being the sensible, mature one with you the hysterical basket...
Susan: Shut up now or I'll have to punch you.
Simon: Ok, then.
[Susan punches him.]
Simon: Ow!
Susan: Sorry, I felt like it anyway.
Cut back to their table.
Brian: (To JP) So, has Penny said anything to you about liking girls?
JP: Sorry?
Susan: Ignore him.
[Kurt's phone starts vibrating across the table.]
Jenny: You pick it up, press the green button and say hello.
[Kurt picks the phone up very slowly.]
Kurt: (Into phone) Hello? Liz? Have you told her? (Sighs in relief.) Is she... ok?
Cut to Liz and Carol's office. Carol is in tears and screaming, Liz holding out the phone.
Cut back to the pub. Carol's screaming continues over the phone.
Simon: She took it well, then.
[As the credits roll they all get up leaving Kurt on his own at their table.]
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