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Series 3, Episode 2
reveiw | transcript | screencaps | quiz
Transcribed by Guy Blake
[Scene: The pub. Brian, Kurt, Matt and Penny are there.]
Brian: I'll have... erm.... No. I'll have... a vodka.
Kurt: What?
Brian: I want a vodka with tonic water.
Kurt: Why?
Matt: You drink lager.
Brian: It goes straight through me.
Kurt: It's supposed to go straight through you. If it stayed inside you you'd expand and then you'd burst.
Matt: I have to say I don't see you as a vodka and tonic kind of bloke. You're more of a... (His phone rings.) (Into phone) Hi. Shit, sorry. No, I'll come now. Bye. (To everyone) Gotta go, my wife's waiting outside. See you all tomorrow.
Brian: Yeah, cheers.
Kurt: Bye. [Matt leaves.] Shall we have a look?
Brian: At what?
Kurt: His wife.
Brian: Yeah.
[They rush out leaving Penny at the table.]
Cut to outside the pub. Kurt and Brian rush out in time to see Matt getting into the car with a beautiful woman.
Jessica: (In car, to Matt) Hi.
[Kurt and Brian's jaws drop. Matt and Jessica drive off as Lindsay walks into the scene.]
Lindsay: Have I missed something?
Cut to back inside.
Lindsay: What's up with these two?
Penny: They went to stare at Matt's wife.
Lindsay: Why?
Penny: Fuck knows.
[Lindsay clicks her fingers in front of their faces to no effect, and then throws a peanut at Brian, who blinks.]
Lindsay: Well, what's she like?
Brian: She's fucking gorgeous.
Kurt: She's... She's... Fucking gorgeous.
Penny: You already said that.
Kurt: No, he did.
[Penny finishes her drink and stands up.]
Lindsay: You're not leaving?
Penny: I've bought my round.
Kurt: You don't just buy a round and piss off. You have to keep going 'til we've all had enough.
Cut to outside later on. Kurt and Brian are taking a piss against a wall. Brian passes out on his back. We see Kurt dragging him through Bristol by his feet, then pushing him in a wheelie bin, and then in a shopping trolley.
Cut to an alleyway.
Penny: I thought they'd never shut up.
Lindsay: Who?
Penny: Brian and Kurt, banging on about Matt's wife all night. Like anybody cares what she looks like.
Lindsay: I don't care what she looks like. Although I would be quite interested to know if she's a blonde or brunette. Mind you, it was dark...
Penny: Now you're doing it too.
Lindsay: What?
Penny: Going on and on about Matt's wife. (Pause) Can I tell you something?
Lindsay: If it's not about my breath, my weight, my body order, my drinking...
Penny: I slept with Matt.
Lindsay: You slept with Matt?
Penny: Yes.
Lindsay: When?
Penny: Three or four times a week for the last ten months.
Lindsay: Really?
Penny: Yes. Any more questions?
Lindsay: Just one. Why?
Penny: I suppose I never really thought about his wife 'til tonight. I mean, I knew he'd got one but it didn't stop me, you know...
Lindsay: Shagging her husband?
Penny: There was more than just shagging, there was other stuff. 'Til he dumped me.
[They go into their flat and come out the next morning.]
Lindsay: When did he dump you?
Penny: Last week.
Lindsay: So it's over?
Penny: I just said so, didn't I?
Lindsay: No, you said "He dumped me." But sometimes women who say that follow up with phrases like "I think he still wants me" and "He'll realise he's made a mistake" and "Oh, he's dumped me again."
Penny: It's over.
Lindsay: Good.
Cut to Matt driving into the school grounds. Penny sees him as he gets out his car and walks in the opposite direction. Matt bangs on Bob's car.
Matt: Wakey, wakey!
Bob: (In car) Oh, fuck.
Cut to the staffroom.
Kurt: What's all this?
[Pan around the room to see that coloured signs have been put up and the furniture rearranged. Carol comes in clapping for Clare. ]
Clare: Good morning. I found time yesterday to review the results of Bullying Awareness Week. I'm now aware of several bullies who will be dealt with in due course. The gang culture found in the playground must come to an end, just as it should cease within the classroom. Too many of you have formed into cliques, talking only to your friends. To counter this, I'd like to conduct an experiment. [Clicks fingers.] For one month you'll sit in the zone denoted by the colour of your badge.
Brian: You what?
Clare: It's really very simple Mr Steadman. You match the colour of the badge to the colour of the zone. If you have a red badge you sit where?
Brian: In the red zone?
Clare: Very good. I'm surprised nobody's asked about the canteen.
Kurt: What about the canteen?
Clare: You may sit where you like at dinnertime but I'd urge you to eat quickly and return to your group as soon as possible. Any other questions? Thank you.
[Penny sees Matt putting on a red badge. Liz hands her a red badge.]
Penny: Do I have to have red?
Liz: Of course not. You can be any colour you like. What do you fancy? Green? Yellow? Blue?
Penny: Ooh, blue, I think.
Liz: There you go, you can have this one [snatches it away] when you prise it out of my cold, dead hand.
[Carol hands Brian a blue badge and Kurt a yellow badge.]
Brian: How come we're different?
Matt: It's odd isn't it? You'd think Clare would want you in the same group, because it's not like you spend every night in the pub with each other or actually live together.
Brian: What's his point?
Kurt: (Calling after Matt) Hey! We saw your wife last night when you drove away.
Matt: And?
Kurt: I'd shag her.
Matt: Right. Thanks. [He walks off.]
Brian: What did you say that for?
Kurt: I thought he'd be pleased.
Bob: [Coming in] Have I missed anything?
Liz: Here we go. [She hands him a green badge.]
Bob: What the fuck's this?
Kurt: Maybe we could swap with someone.
Penny: I'll swap with you.
Kurt: I need blue.
Penny: Why?
Kurt: Cos, you know, I wanna be with him.
Penny: Yeah, but I'm going through a really bad time at the moment and I need to be with people I can talk to, who I can be myself with, who don't tell me to...
Kurt: Ssh! That's enough.
Penny: Yeah but...
Kurt: Aah!
Cut to Brian's classroom.
Kayla: She made it up!
Brian: I don't care. Mrs Hunter wants to see you, so you're going to see Mrs Hunter.
Kayla: But I'm not a bully. (To girl) Tell him. Go on, tell him. Did I ever bully you? Did I? [The girl nods.] You liar.
Cut to Liz and Carol's office.
Penny: (To Carol) So I was wondering if I could change it for something less red. Um, maybe yellow? Please? Pleeease!!
Liz: No.
Penny: I was talking to Carol.
Liz: And now you're talking to me, and I'm saying no, but I'm using a normal voice, not squeaking like a bat.
(Crunching)
Liz: (To Carol) Spit it out.
[Carol spits out a half eaten biro into her hand.]
Carol: Craving.
Liz: No, it's not a craving. You want to eat pens, fine. Eat your own pens.
Penny: I just want a different badge. Is that really so much to ask?
Liz: Yes it is. According to my list, you're red. I'm just obeying orders.
Penny: Do you know how that makes you sound?
Liz: Calling me a Nazi will really make me want to help you.
Penny: Pleeease.
Liz: The bat squeak won't do it either.
Penny: But Liz, just tell me what possible difference could it make?
Liz: Shut the fuck up! I decide what happens, not you, not her!
Clare: What about me? Where do I fit into your scheme?
Cut to Clare's office.
Clare: How can I hope to move towards a more cooperative, harmonious working environment when you're effing and blinding at every colleague who annoys you? Mr Hargreaves, two weeks ago. "Fuck off, you fucking twat." (Pause) To Mrs Bradshaw, last Tuesday. "Stick this up your arse, you fuckwit." (Pause) "Why won't you fucking work, you fucking useless piece of fucking shit", that was yesterday in the photocopy room and I've no idea who you were talking to.
Liz: That was just the machine. There was a paper jam. I'm sorry.
Clare: I don't think you are. I think you will be if you don't buck your ideas up and start treating colleagues with the respect they deserve.
Liz: I will. I really will. I just need to...
Clare: Yes, Mr Steadman?
Brian: [At the door with Kayla and the girl.] Is this a bad time?
Cut to the canteen. Brian and Kurt are in the queue, Penny and Lindsay at a table.
Kurt: What did Kayla say?
Brian: Not a lot. She looked really worried. Really upset. It was great.
Penny: I just can't sit there with him. Not after he...
Lindsay: You were doing alright this morning.
Penny: Didn't you feel the tension?
Lindsay: No.
Penny: He told me I was prettier than his wife, now it turns out she's "fucking gorgeous".
Lindsay: So actually, you don't feel guilty about his wife, you feel jealous cos it turns out she's better looking.
Penny: No. Don't have a go at me.
Lindsay: I wasn't.
Penny: Just cos everybody else hates me don't feel you have to give me a hard time as well.
Lindsay: Who hates you?
Penny: Liz, Kurt...
Lindsay: What's Kurt done?
Penny: He told me to shut up this morning. I was just asking if I could swap badges, I was telling him I needed support. I didn't tell him about Matt obviously. But he wouldn't listen, and he wouldn't swap.
Lindsay: And he told you to shut up?
Penny: Yes!
Lindsay: Unbelievable.
[Kurt and Brian walk over to a table to sit down.]
Brandon: What are you doing?
Kurt: We're sitting down.
Brandon: I don't think so. That's taken.
Brian: What about this one?
Brandon: They're all taken.
[Kurt and Brian look around the room, there is only space on Lindsay and Penny's table.]
Brian: There must be somewhere else.
Kurt: If she talks about badges or horoscopes...
Brian: You'll do what?
Kurt: I'll... think of something.
[They sit down at their table.]
Penny: So if you ask Bob really nicely, and I'm sure he'll take it better from you, maybe he'll swap his green for a blue. Or even a yellow.
Kurt: (To Brian) Right, come on.
Brian: What?
Kurt: We're not staying here. [He gets up and leaves.]
Brian: There's nowhere else to go. [He leaves too.]
Penny: See. That was because of me.
Lindsay: You think?
Penny: Why do they hate me so much?
Lindsay: Maybe it's because you... no.
Penny: What?
Lindsay: What do I know?
Penny: Please?
Lindsay: You can sometimes be, just... just a tiny bit... annoying.
Penny: Annoying?
Lindsay: That's not the right word, obviously.
Penny: Obviously, so what is the right word?
Lindsay: I dunno.
Penny: Tell me. Tell me!
Lindsay: Self centred. Or is that two words?
Penny: I'm self centred? Me? Well, what are my other faults? Come on. I'd like to know. What else am I apart from being incredibly annoying and massively self centred?
Lindsay: I'd like to take back self centred.
Penny: Thank you.
Lindsay: And I'll just stick with annoying. Very fucking annoying.
Penny: I don't think I am. (Pause) Am I?
Cut to Lindsay's classroom.
Penny: Do you mean I do some things that people find annoying, or is it the way I do those things that annoys people, even though the actual things themselves aren't...
Lindsay: It's the things you do and the way you do them. It's the whole package, OK?
Penny: But I don't understand...
Lindsay: I really can't talk about this now. (To class) Remember to draw diagrams of what you see when you open up the abdomen. Don't just chop up your frogs for the fun of it.
Cut to the main corridor. A student is rolling a tyre down the corridor.
Bob: Oi! Where'd you get that from? I'm talking to you!
Penny: Can I ask a quick question?
Bob: Not right now.
Penny: Would you say I was annoying?
Bob: Yes.
Penny: You find me annoying?
Bob: Right at this moment, very.
Penny: Well, what about in general. Would you say I was always annoying, often annoying, seldom...
Bob: What can I say that's going to make you get out the way the quickest?
Penny: You can I'm hardly ever annoying.
Bob: You're hardly ever annoying.
Penny: Thank you.
Cut to Brian's geography room. Kurt is leaning backwards on a chair, Brian writing on the board.
Kurt: It must be hard having your mum in school all the time. Especially if she's Liz. Do you think Kayla minds?
Brian: I hope so.
Kurt: I hated it when my parents came to school.
Brian: Did they watch you teaching?
Kurt: I mean when I was a kid. I used to get really embarrassed.
Brian: What did they do?
Kurt: Nothing. But I always thought the other kids were laughing at them behind their backs.
Brian: And were they?
Kurt: Well, yeah. But that was only cos I was laughing... [He falls backwards and off his chair.]
Cut to the toilets. Lindsay walks in and goes into a cubicle.
Penny: You'll be interested to hear that Bob thinks I'm hardly ever annoying.
Lindsay: Oh yeah?
Penny: Yeah, a bit different from what you said. "Hardly ever annoying." His words, not mine.
Lindsay: Maybe so, but we're talking about a man who lives in a car.
Penny: So?
Lindsay: So is his opinion worth listening to, unless he's talking about life in a car?
Penny: He's still capable of...
Lindsay: What? Telling you the best way to sleep... in a car? The best way to keep warm... in a car? [Penny walks out.] The best way to get drunk... in a car? Are you still there?
Cut to outside. Kurt and Brian are walking to their car.
Kayla: (To Liz) It was so embarrassing. You're so embarrassing.
Liz: Don't talk to me like that.
Kayla: I'll talk to you how I want. You can't tell me what to do, not now I know the trouble you're in.
Kurt: I've been thinking about Liz.
Brian: What, sexual fantasies? You with her and Carol?
Kurt: No. Liz and Penny sometimes, Clare and Penny once, but ugh, it was horrible.
Brian: So what about Liz?
Kurt: Eh?
Brian: You've been thinking about Liz?
Kurt: Oh yeah. I've been trying to imagine what she's going to do about her temper now that Clare's says she's got to start behaving.
Brian: She'll probably start behaving.
Kurt: No she won't. If Clare told you to stop being a lanky twat you couldn't, could you?
Brian: I can't change how tall I am.
Kurt: And you'll always be a twat, so...
Brian: So?
Kurt: So, what would I have to do to make Liz go mental?
Brian: Nothing. You could just turn up and that would be enough.
Kurt: You're talking about the old Liz. I'm talking about the new one. The one who's been put on probation.
Brian: You think the new one's going to be any different to the old one?
Kurt: Yes. That's my whole fucking point.
Brian: You think the new Liz will never lose her temper?
Kurt: No, I'm asking what's it going to take to make her lose her temper?
Brian: Why are you asking me?
Kurt: Because you're the only one who can hear me talking.
Brian: Not if I stick my fingers in my ears.
Cut to the pub.
Matt: I still don't see how it's gonna work.
Kurt: It's really very simple. He got it. Eventually.
Matt: Once more.
Kurt: We think of some questions to ask Liz, and we write them all down. We each pick a question, we ask Liz the question we pick and see if she explodes.
Brian: If she doesn't explode we each pick another question.
Kurt: Until someone makes her lose her temper. And that person's the winner.
Matt: You see, that's the bit I really don't get. In what sense is it a victory to provoke the scariest woman in Bristol?
Brian: You get fifteen quid. (To Lindsay) Twenty if you join in.
Lindsay: What's the point of winning 20 quid if your arms have been pulled out their sockets?
Brian: So you're not gonna join in?
Lindsay: You're very sharp.
Kurt: Actually, I'm not sure if she'll turn violent.
Lindsay: Do you really wanna find out?
Kurt: I'm not scared of Liz.
Brian: Yes you are.
Kurt: She's basically just a sad woman with problems.
Lindsay: Bit like you really. Except you're a sad bloke with problems.
Matt: What problems?
Kurt: Me or Liz?
Matt: Liz, of course, we all know about your problems.
Kurt: She had a very difficult childhood.
Lindsay: Do you actually know that?
Kurt: I'm just guessing. She seems the type.
Cut to Lindsay and Penny's flat, much later. Lindsay comes into the lounge.
Penny: Hi.
Lindsay: OK?
Penny: I've been thinking about what you said. Me being annoying. And you're right.
Lindsay: Course I am. Good night.
Penny: Hang on. I was hoping you could tell me where I've been going wrong. Can't you give me some advice?
Lindsay: I've drunk three pints of lager, two brandies and a tequila slammer. The tequila slammer was a mistake. It's touch and go if I'll make it to my bedroom without throwing up. I'm certainly too pissed to give you any advice right now. But if you wanna risk seeing me vomit on the carpet while I talk bollocks for half an hour I am happy to oblige. Bollocks and vomit or night-night?
Penny: Night-night.
Lindsay: Good choice.
Cut to Kurt and Brian driving through Bristol.
Kurt: Are we nearly there?
Brian: What?
Kurt: Are we nearly there?
Brian: You tell me, you're driving.
Kurt: No I'm not.
Brian: [Swerving the car] FUCK!!!
Cut to the staffroom. Penny stands up from her group and goes over to Lindsay. She is about to sit down.
Lindsay: You know that's where Bob sits.
[Penny stands up quickly and sits in another free chair.]
Penny: When are going to talk to me?
Lindsay: Now. I just need one more cup of coffee and one more packet of paracetamol.
Clare: (To Penny) You don't belong here.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Clare: You're red. This is green.
Lindsay: We were just having a quick word.
Clare: You can't. You're different colours.
Lindsay: Does the word "apartheid" mean anything to you?
Clare: Does the word "Headteacher" mean anything to you?
Lindsay: Yes. (To Penny) I'll see you later.
[Penny walks out as Bob comes in.]
Bob: Morning.
Lindsay: (After Penny) I'll come with you.
Cut to the corridor, a queue of students are waiting outside Penny's room. One knocks on the door.
Lindsay: (From inside) Wait!
Cut to inside Penny's room.
Lindsay: Step one you've done. You've admitted you've got a problem. Only three more to go. Step two, draw up a list of your faults, step three, apologise to people you've upset in the past, and finally step four, stop being so annoying.
Penny: Can't I just go straight to step four?
Lindsay: Now you see, that was very annoying.
Penny: I don't think I can do this.
Lindsay: Fine. Forget it.
Penny: Oh, hang on.
Lindsay: What for? If you don't wanna do it...
Penny: No, I said I can't do it.
Lindsay: Don't want, can't, what's the difference?
Penny: I'm just saying that it's difficult.
Lindsay: What's difficult about writing a list of your faults? Are you worried you might run out of paper?
Penny: That apology bit. You mean actually going up to people and saying "I'm sorry"?
Lindsay: No, no. You could just tell them to fuck off and die, although some people wouldn't regard that as a proper apology. Don't ask me why.
Cut back out to the corridor. Lindsay comes out.
Lindsay: Sorry to have kept you waiting.
[The students start to go in, then the bell goes.]
Cut to the staffroom. There are flies buzzing around Bob. Zoom out slowly so we see the whole of his group are facing away from him, their noses covered with handkerchiefs.
Cut to Brian's classroom.
Kurt: How do you spell hermaphrodite?
Brian: Doesn't matter how you spell it, we're not gonna show Liz the questions, we're just gonna ask them.
Kurt: I'd still like to get it right.
Brian: Then why don't you use one of your computers? They check the spelling automatically, don't they?
Kurt: Yeah.
Brian: Well, go on then.
Kurt: No. (Pause) Brandon's in there.
Brian: What, on all the computers?
Kurt: He likes to have the room to himself.
Brian: You've got to stand up to that big twat one day.
Kurt: I will. But not yet. (Pause) How do you spell bestiality?
Cut to a corridor. Kurt picks his question out an envelope.
Brian: Good one?
Kurt: Oh yeah, she's mine.
[Liz come through the door and walks past them.]
Kurt: Liz... Could you type me out a list of every pupil in year 8 who was off sick for more than five days in any one term for the past three years and let me have that by close of play?
Matt: Can you ring and tell them he's gonna be excluded? I'd do it myself but I can't be arsed.
Brian: Is it true you've got no qualifications and only got this job because you slept with one of the school governors?
Cut to Liz and Carol's office. Liz storms in.
Liz: I'm being harassed. Do you know anything about this?
[Carol shakes her head.]
Liz: If I find out you're lying... we'll go to the cinema. Maybe have a pizza. Mrs Hunter, I didn't see you there.
Clare: Didn't you? Hmm.
Cut to the staffroom.
Brian: Do you think she didn't hear me?
Kurt: Sorry?
[Pan out so we see they are sitting at opposite ends of the room.]
Brian: (Loudly) I said, do you think she didn't hear me? When I asked my question?
Kurt: Why wouldn't she have heard you?
Brian: What?
Kurt: I'll talk to you later.
[Lindsay gets up from her zone and goes over to see Penny.]
Lindsay: How are you getting on?
Penny: I've made a start.
Lindsay: Show me. [Penny hands her a notebook.] "Sometimes a bit na�ve, can be moody when tired." That's pathetic. Here, keep writing.
Penny: (Whining) Oh, but I don't know what to write.
Lindsay: (Mimicking her) Oh, but I don't know what to write. How about "talks like a little girl"?
Penny: (Girly) That's not... (Deeper) That's not fair. (Pause) Is it?
[The bell rings and everyone gets up to leave except a man in the blue zone.]
Cut to the canteen. Bob is eating his lunch. Penny comes over and leans down to him.
Penny: Bob. Sorry about yesterday.
Bob: What about yest...
Penny: Year 10 coursework. Can you give me a little bit longer? [Touches his wrist] Please?
Lindsay: That's two more for the list.
Penny: What?
Lindsay: "Inappropriate physical contact" and "Sticking tits out all the time". You're welcome.
Cut to a corridor, later.
Girl: So my mum had to go hospital. The police came round to ask all these questions about my dad. And I didn't know what to say cos he's never hit her before and I don't think he meant to hit her so hard this time. But I don't know.
Penny: Oh dear, that must have been awful.
Lindsay: [Breezing through] "Insincere and unsympathetic to other people's problems."
Cut to the pub. The guys come in.
Kurt: We need better questions. More personal, more insulting.
Brian: Like what?
Kurt: "Why are you so ugly?"
Matt: Yeah that's good. Maybe a bit too subtle.
Penny: I'll get these.
Kurt: We're ok.
Penny: But I want to.
Matt: I'll have a pint of lager please.
Penny: You said I normally just get the one round, but tonight I'm gonna get as many drinks as you and Brian do. I'll stay 'til closing time. I'll even get you a kebab if you want one. Now, um, what would you like?
Kurt: I'd like you to stand a little further away and stop talking, please.
[Penny moves from the bar.]
Lindsay: (To Penny, writing) "Tries to buy other people's affection".
Cut to later.
Kurt: (To Penny) You've never seen The Matrix?
Penny: No, why would I?
Brian: Cos it's brilliant.
Penny: I don't like that kind of film.
Matt: How do you know what kind of film it is if you've never even seen it?
Penny: I can tell.
Matt: Do you know there are 138 mistakes in The Matrix. When Keanu Reaves is about to go into the Oracle's house
Penny: I think I'll get myself another drink.
Cut to Penny and Lindsay's flat, later. They come the door.
Lindsay: "...And refuses to discuss anything not directly related to herself."
Penny: Stop it!
Lindsay: It's true. If other people try to talk about something which isn't you, how you feel, what you would have done when you were there, you don't want to know.
Penny: (Starting to cry) Please, I've had enough.
Lindsay: Oh, here we go. I hope you've got "Pretends to cry all the time".
Penny: Yes. I've got that. Do you want to see what else I've got?
Cut to the kitchen. Penny bangs the notebook down on the table.
Lindsay: [Leafing through] Five pages?
Penny: That's without the faults you pointed out at the pub and on the way home.
Lindsay: Maybe you've been a bit over-critical.
Penny: Have a look.
Lindsay: [Whilst reading] Mm-hm. Yep. Yep. Oh, you got that, good. Yep.
Penny: Is there anything that shouldn't be there?
Lindsay: Not that I can see.
Penny: (Sighs) Fuck!
Lindsay: Oh, don't worry. It's not as bad as it seems.
Penny: Well it seems pretty bad.
Lindsay: Well, I guess it is.
Penny: You just said it wasn't.
Lindsay: I was lying. Oh, cheer up. Step three tomorrow. Saying sorry to all the people you've ever offended which should only take, what, a week? Oh, lighten up, for fuck's sake.
Penny: It's not easy you know. You can't expect me to breeze through with a big smile on my face. I am doing my best. And I'm gonna apologise to Brian who's gonna look at me like a twat and ask me what I'm talking about and I'll have to explain it over and over again very slowly 'til he finally gets what I'm doing. Then I'll turn to Kurt and he'll be like "What did you apologise to him for?" and Brian will still be trying to work out what I'm doing because he's so fucking stupid.
Lindsay: Have you got long-winded on your list?
Cut to Kurt and Brian driving through Bristol the next morning. They drive down a road and stop for a moment. Then they drive on and stop again. Kurt shakes his head. Then they drive on and stop again for a lollipop lady. We then see that there are lollipop ladies and men scattered all the way down the road.
Cut to the main corridor.
Kurt: (To Liz) Have you got a minute?
Liz: No.
Penny: (To Kurt) Have you got a minute?
Kurt: No.
Penny: Please, it's important.
Kurt: Well go on then.
Penny: I'm very sorry for annoying you since I got here. If I'm honest I can understand why you don't like me but I promise I'm going to change. (To Brian) I want to apologise to you for calling you a thick northern dickhead behind your back.
Brian: I didn't know you called me that.
Penny: Hence the term "Behind your back". Sorry, that sounded rude, I'd like to apologise for that last remark as well.
Kurt: What is this?
Penny: Kurt, I am sorry for letting you down when I first arrived. You wanted me to pretend to be your girlfriend, I refused and I apologised for that lack of support.
Kurt: It's all forgotten.
Penny: That's very nice of you.
Kurt: No, I mean I can't remember what happened.
Penny: Well I can. I can remember everything I've done I ought to be ashamed of and I'm going to apologise to everyone affected by my past behaviour.
Kurt: Why?
Cut to the staffroom.
Matt: I always thought she was a bit, you know, the sort of person who makes things up. [He walks off.]
Brian: Maybe she's found God.
Kurt: Didn't think she was looking.
Brian: You can find him by accident, can't you.
Kurt: I wouldn't know.
Brian: Do you think if you found him you might start saying sorry?
Kurt: Who to?
Brian: Me.
Kurt: What for?
Brian: For, you know, being you.
Kurt: Eh, you can't think of anything.
Brian: Yes I can. Wanking. You wank too much.
Kurt: How does that affect you?
Brian: We're always running out of toilet roll. And half my socks are missing.
Kurt: Are you accusing me of stealing your socks to wank into?
Brian: I'm just putting two and two together and... [makes wanking gesture with hands]
Kurt: Ah, you owe me a big apology now.
Brian. Yeah, that's gonna happen.
Kurt: I'm not buying another drink until you say sorry.
Brian: You're gonna get thirsty.
Kurt: If Penny can apologise I don't see why you can't.
Liz: [Who is walking past] Penny apologised? What for?
Kurt: She's apologising to everyone she's ever offended.
Liz: Why?
Kurt: Well, he thinks she's joined the God squad.
Liz: Ha! They wouldn't have her.
Brian: She's got a list of people to see.
Liz: And my name's not at the top? She apologised to you before me?
[Kurt nods]
Brian: And me.
Liz: Right. No more Mrs. Nice Guy.
[She storms off.]
Brian: (To Kurt) Ask your question.
Kurt: Oh yeah. (Calling) Liz! What are the symptoms of Chlamydia?
[Liz looks at him, and then a forced smile breaks over her face]
Cut straight to Liz and Carol's office. Liz pulls her organiser from her drawer.
Liz: (Talking whilst writing) Bastards! All of them! And I won't forget. Penny, no apology. Kurt, that question. Which earns him special attention. Where's my highlighter?
[Carol slowly looks out from behind a magazine and we see she has yellow highlighter around her mouth and is munching on something.]
Cut to the staffroom.
Brian: She must be taking Valium or painkillers. If you...
Clare: Thank you.
Kurt: What for?
Clare: For returning promptly to your respective zones and talking to new and different colleagues.
Brian: (Sarcastic) Like everyone else is doing.
[Pan around the room and see everyone sitting in silence.]
Clare: Your attitude isn't helping, Mr Steadman.
Brian: How is this my fault?
Clare: Just sit down and try and make new friends.
[Brian walks off.]
Kurt: You're right about his attitude. I've never stolen a sock in my life. And the toilet roll, well you know...
Clare: I don't want to talk to you. The rest of your group does.
Kurt: Oh right. I'll just... [He walks off]
Cut to Brian's group.
Brian: [To man] Alright?
[He gets no response.]
Cut to Bob's classroom.
Bob: [Whilst writing on board] Two overlapping stories. One about an incestuous romance. And what's the second one about? Anybody?
[He turns around and sees that his whole class are standing at the back of the room holding their noses. There is a knock and Penny comes in.]
Penny: Could I have a word?
Cut to the corridor.
Penny: I'm very sorry.
Bob: Doesn't matter. What do you want?
Penny: That is what I want, to say sorry. I know you had feelings for me and I used that knowledge to take liberties. I led you on hoping that you'd give me some leeway if I pretended to like you. I feel especially guilty if my flirting led in any way to the break up of your marriage. Does your wife think that I... That you and I...
Bob: No, what my wife thinks is that I'm not good enough. She thinks I'm an abject failure, I'm an imitation of a man, that I'm unf... [He starts to sob.] Oh God. You know I miss her so much. I mean, why?
Cut to back inside
Bob: (From outside, hysterical) Why??
Cut. We see Liz coming up the stairwell towards her office, and we cut to inside as she comes in.
Penny: (To Carol) ...And then pretending that I wanted to spend time with you after school when I really didn't. Sorry.
Carol: (Mumbled) Ok... minded...
Penny: What?
Carol: (Mumbling) Erm.... Minded...
Penny: Is my apology accepted, yes or no?
Carol: Yes.
Penny: Good. I'll see you later. [She turns around to leave and sees Liz standing in front of her. There is a pause.] Hello.
Liz: Good morning.
[They look at each other for a few seconds and then Penny walks off.]
Cut to the staffroom. Brian unfolds a newspaper and starts to read. As he reads, the man he tried to talk to earlier is lifted onto a stretcher by 2 ambulance men, covered in a blanket, and wheeled away.
Clare: How am I supposed to organise cover at this time of the day?
Brian: What?
Clare: Who's gonna take his lessons tomorrow?
[Brian looks around and realises that the man is no longer sitting next to him.]
Cut to the pub.
Brian: I never spoke to him before. I'm not even sure what his name was.
Matt: Graham Leicester. Taught Maths since he left polytechnic in 1965. Married, two kids, Simon and Josie. Simon's an estate agent, Josie's...
Brian: Are you making this up?
Matt: Yes.
Kurt: Why?
Matt: What's it matter who he was? You didn't know him. We didn't know him and now he's dead. Really doesn't affect us.
Kurt: It affects me! I've got to cover one of his lessons tomorrow.
Brian: Doesn't it make you think?
Lindsay: What about?
Brian: One minute you're sitting quietly in the staffroom, the next... you're sitting even quieter in the staffroom. Dead.
Matt: What's your point?
Brian: I dunno, it's just so sudden.
Matt: He died two days ago.
Brian: Was that the smell?
Lindsay: No, that was Bob.
Kurt: Is there gonna be a whip-round for flowers or something?
Matt: I doubt it.
Kurt: Excellent. We can afford more drinks. [To Brian] Vodka and tonic?
Brian: I'll try it without the tonic.
Lindsay: What are you doing?
Brian: The less liquid per unit of alcohol, the more chance of getting home without pissing on the pavement.
Kurt: What's your problem with pissing on the pavement?
Brian: It's undignified.
Cut straight to a street in Bristol where Brian is throwing up.
Kurt: He can't drink spirits. Never could.
Matt: You'd think that might have put him off the vodka.
Kurt: Nah, he enjoys a challenge. Likes to stretch himself.
Cut to Lindsay and Penny's kitchen.
Penny: (Reading) Kurt for lack of support, that dinner lady for calling her a stupid pygmy...
Lindsay: Which dinner lady?
Penny: The tall one. I mean compared to the others. (Reading) Carol, for using and abusing her. That's that.
Lindsay: What about Matt?
Penny: I've got nothing to apologise to that selfish bastard for. Unless what you're saying is I should say sorry to everyone I've ever had sex with. Is that what you're saying?
Lindsay: Life's too short.
Penny: Meaning?
Lindsay: Nothing.
Penny: So what now?
Lindsay: Step four, "stop being annoying."
Penny: That's easy for you to say but how do I do it?
Lindsay: You want me to tell you?
Penny: Hence the question, "How do I do it?"
Lindsay: Well for starters I'd stop using the phrase "Hence the question". And then I suggest that you don't talk about yourself all the time. Don't touch your neck and breasts when talking to men, and don't try to dominate every conversation. Do laugh at other people's jokes, don't try to top other people's stories, and don't respond to every bit of news and information with "That's right," or "Yes, I know."
Cut to outside their flat the next morning. Lindsay comes out, and Penny follows wearing old baggy clothing, her hair in a mess. She pulls on a baseball cap and slams the door. Caption on letter box: Friday.
Cut to the car park. Kurt and Brian are driving through and they see the scruffy Penny walking in with Lindsay.
Brian: What's up with Penny?
Kurt: What do you mean?
Brian: She looks different.
[Penny walks across the car park and Liz marches up to her.]
Liz: If everyone else, including that biro-biting freak gets an apology, the least I deserve is a couple hours of grovelling.
[Kayla clears her throat beside Liz. Liz looks at her, realises, and walks off.]
Cut to the corridor.
Matt: (To Liz) Have you put on weight? Or are you wearing tighter clothes?
Brian: Liz, were you over 40 when you gave birth to Kayla?
Kurt: Do you ever take it up the arse?
Cut to Liz and Carol's office. Liz comes in.
Liz: Is she in?
[Carol shakes her head.]
Liz: Those fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking fuckers! [She grabs her organiser.]
Carol: (Quietly) ...wrong?
Liz: Wrong? Why should anything be wrong? The fact that I'm going to kill three people by slitting their throats with a letter opener should on no account make you think that something's wrong. If you don't give me a pen in the next five seconds...
Cut to the staffroom. Clare, Liz and Carol come in, Carol is holding her head up with a tissue over her nose.
Liz: (To Clare) Look at them! Look where they're sitting! They're back where they want to be. They've taken off their badges.
Clare: Yes, well, I knew this would happen.
Liz: Aren't you going to say something?
Clare: It was never intended as a long term exercise.
Liz: I thought they were supposed to sit in their groups for a month.
Clare: No, I said a couple of days would do. We should put the chairs back where they were.
Liz: When you say we....?
Clare: I mean you.
Liz: You'd like me to rearrange the furniture?
Clare: While you're doing that perhaps you'll dispose of Mr Milligan's chair.
Liz: What's wrong with it?
Clare: He passed away while sitting in it. There are stains.
Liz: And you'd like me to get rid of it?
Clare: Unless you'd rather clean it?
Liz: No. I don't think I would.
[She opens her organiser and starts writing furiously.]
Cut to the corridor. Penny is apologising to the girl she had been talking to earlier.
Brian: Frumpy. That's the word.
Kurt: What's the point of Penny if you don't want to look at her? I mean, you never wanted to talk to her, but you could always cheer yourself up with a quick glance at her tits. But now...
Penny: (To Girl) ...you can come in and we can sit down and have a nice chat.
Cut to the canteen.
Lindsay: The pump sends the water up to the top of the funnel, from where it cascades down into a wooden bucket.
Penny: Why are you telling me this?
Lindsay: I'm Bob. I have a new water feature.
Penny: So?
Lindsay: So I want you to listen politely, appear to be fascinated.
Penny: About a water feature?
Lindsay: It's possible. Come on then, let me see you looking fascinated.
[Penny tries to look fascinated.]
Lindsay: That's it? You're not suffering from heartburn or something?
Penny: No, but I still don't understand why...
Lindsay: If you can talk to Bob, you can talk to anyone. Would you like to see a photograph of my new water feature?
[Penny leans forward, eyes wide, trying to look interested.]
Cut to outside the canteen.
Lindsay: I'll give you five out of ten. Good facial expressions if a little forced, but you should have been asking questions.
Penny: About fountains? What the fuck can I ask about fountains?
Lindsay: Something about the volume of water or the flow. The point it you didn't ask me anything.
Penny: Well, I didn't want to know anything. What are we doing now?
Lindsay: I'm going to be a barman, and I want you to buy a round of drinks without sticking your tits out.
Cut to the outside.
Brian: Who would you rather go out with? Someone frumpy but interesting, or someone gorgeous but dull?
Kurt: When you say "Go out with..."
Brian: Oh don't do this.
Kurt: What?
Brian: You always have to pick away at simple questions until they stop being simple anymore.
Kurt: No I don't.
Brian: Yes you do.
Kurt: When have I ever picked away at any other question?
Brian: What, you think I keep a record of exactly what you've said every time I asked a question?
Kurt: Just asking for examples?
Brian: Well you can't have any.
Kurt: Fine by me. (Long pause) I'd rather go out with someone gorgeous but dull.
Brian: Yeah, me too.
Cut to Liz and Carol's office. Clare is talking to Liz. We hear her mumbling and wittering until her voice slides into range.
Clare: ...And I spose we should give them benefit of the doubt, and can I ask you to get the supply teachers' worksheets to the payroll department by the end of tomorrow and collate 30 copies of the parents' newsletter for distribution at tonight's PTA meeting?
Liz: Is it possible you could ask Carol to do some of these things?
Clare: I've sent her home. She was looking peaky.
Liz: Peaky?
Clare: Peaky.
Liz: Peaky?
Cut to the car park late that night. It is raining. Bob is holding an aerial out of his car window to try and get reception on his TV.
Bob: Fuck.
[There is knocking on the roof from Liz]
Bob: Hello?
Liz: I need food, alcohol, and the company of someone who hates the scum who work here as much as I do.
Bob: Come on in.
Cut to the pub. Kurt, Brian and Matt are at a table. Penny and Lindsay come in.
Lindsay: You'll be fine. Smile, listen, laugh, don't scowl at Matt, and don't talk about yourself. [Penny starts to walk towards their table.] Tits in, Penny.
Cut back to Bob's car. Bob and Liz are both drinking.
Liz: Carol.
Bob: Fucker.
Liz: Clare.
Bob: Fucking fucker.
Liz: Just like Penny.
Bob: Penny's a Fucking Fucker, capital F's. Brian?
Liz: Fucker. Kurt?
Bob: Fucking fucker.
Liz: Shouldn't he be the same as Brian?
Bob: Ok. They're both fucking fuckers.
Cut back to the pub.
Brian: If she hasn't snapped by now she's never gonna snap.
Kurt: Do you think she's changed?
Brian: Yes.
Matt: No. Liz has still got a temper deep down, it's just for some reason we can't make her lose it.
Penny: I bet I could.
Matt: Yeah, I bet you could.
Penny: What's that supposed to mean?
Lindsay: Penny...
Penny: No, I want him to tell me what he meant by that.
Liz: Well, look who's here.
[They all turn around and see Liz and Bob heading though the door towards them.]
Liz: I told you, didn't I? I told you this is where we'd find them. (To Kurt) I want an explanation. Why have you been asking me questions?
Kurt: What questions?
Liz: [Opening her organiser.] These questions. I made a note of them. I know what you asked me. (To Matt) What you asked me, (to Brian) what you asked me.
Penny: [Standing up] Can I ask a question?
Liz: What do you want?
Penny: Would you like a drink?
Liz: A drink?
Penny: Yes.
Liz: From you?
Penny: Yes.
Liz: You want to buy me a drink?
Penny: Well I did, but I'm beginning to wish I'd kept my mouth shut.
Liz: Like you kept your mouth shut when you should have been apologising to me. I'M the one you should have come to first, not Tiny Cock and Twat Head. You make my life a fucking misery. You all do. It's bad enough working for a control freak, sharing a room with a boss-eyed moron without you winding me up everyday. Without you asking stupid fucking questions that make me want to kill you. (To Penny) Especially YOU.
Bob: Come on now, time to go home. [He starts to drag her out.]
Liz: Let me hit her just once.
Bob: I don't think that's such a good idea.
Liz: It's a great idea. Whose side are you on? I thought you were my friend.
[They all watch them go and Penny sits back down. There is a long pause.]
Penny: Well. It seems Brian was right.
Brian: Eh?
Penny: About Liz. She's never gonna lose her temper.
[Brian and Kurt chuckle.]
Brian: Hang on. That was quite funny. (To Kurt) Did you hear that? She was funny.
Kurt: I know.
Brian: She's never been funny before. I mean we've laughed at her, but not because of anything she said.
Penny: You do realise that I'm actually sitting here listening to you talk about me?
Brian: Do you want a drink?
Penny: No I'll get these. Not that I'm trying to buy anyone's...
Lindsay: Just go, it's fine.
Penny: Same again?
Brian: Large vodka, no ice. I've realised it's all about treading my bladder. I went to the bog two and a half hours ago. If I don't go again until closing time I reckon I can make it home without needing a piss on the way.
Lindsay: Thanks for sharing.
[She gets up and follows Penny to the bar.]
Penny: They laughed. They laughed because I was funny.
Lindsay: And because they're very drunk.
Penny: But I'm not annoying anymore. I've done it.
Lindsay: You haven't annoyed anyone tonight, I'll give you that, but it's early.
Penny: You don't think I can keep this up?
Lindsay: I don't know. What if you don't get served for half an hour because he's not interested now you're not sticking your tits out?
Penny: There's no hurry.
Lindsay: What if they start talking about The Matrix again?
Penny: I'd love to hear what they had to say.
Lindsay: And if I mention Matt's wife, his gorgeous wife, would you...?
Penny: Would I what?
Lindsay: You're beginning to disturb me.
Penny: But I'm not annoying you.
Lindsay: Well done. What if Bob, Matt, Matt's wife, Kurt and Brian all came round to ours tonight...
Penny: That's enough. (To barman) Can I have two pints of lager, one vodka, no ice...
Lindsay: And they wanna have a party but you're asleep.
Penny: A dry white wine...
Lindsay: (Talking over Penny) Because you've gotta be up early in the morning, you've got a meeting with Clare. And Matt starts shagging his wife and their squealing wakes you up...
Penny: (Talking over Lindsay to barman) Two packets of cheese and onion crisps, two packets of salt and vinegar (To Lindsay) and would you please shut the fuck up? Thank you.
As the credits roll we cut to outside the pub. Penny pulls on her coat and the two girls walk off home. Brian is waiting for Kurt and Matt who are taking a piss against the wall. Eventually he gives up and joins them.
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