My Experiences With Coming Out
If you do not want to read the personal, intimate details of my "coming out" experiences during my earlier youth, then please turn back immediately!
Myself, I think during my adolescense I'd sub-consciously known I was gay for a long time, but I'd never been able to admit it to myself. I had been raised under the assumption by my parents that their son was a heterosexual, so consequently I'd always pictured myself having a wife and kids as an adult. I felt that was what was "expected" out of me.
But beginning at age 11, I began having sexual fantasies about other boys. In my dreams, I dreampt about the beauty and exotic sensation of the male body. I desperately craved male companionship and male friends whom I could be close with, even if in a non-sexual platonic capacity. To this day, this is how I feel, sexually.
I remember in middle school and high school I would take every chance I got during Phy Ed to shower with the other boys so I could see them naked, and to dress and undress with them so I could admire the other guys' bodies. Even if I could just catch a glimpse of another guy's bare chest, it would satisfy me. I still am this way today. What can I say - - I'm a hornball, LOL. How many heterosexual guys would be having similar reactions if they got to see all they wanted in the girls' locker room, hmmm?
But female breasts/genitals never appealed to me. The nude male body makes me go "Wow!" . . . but the nude female body just makes me go "hmm." During puberty up until I turned 17, I'd convinced myself that I was bisexual. I guess this was an act of psychological "rebellion" on my part. As a non-conformist, I didn't want to "conform" to the stereotype of being strictly homosexual. After all, I unfortunately kind of have "The Voice", I have many effeminate personality characteristics, and I've always had traditionally-"feminine" interests. I've never been athletic, and I don't possess tremendous virility or physical strength.
I finally was able to admit to myself at age 17 that I am gay. Incidentally, it was the episode of Dawson's Creek where Jack came out that caused me to confront my sexuality. On February 20, 1999, I watched Part 2 of that two-part episode entitled "...That is the Question" where Jack came out of the closet. As corny as it sounds, that episode helped me to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am and being homosexual does not make me a sinner. I can't control my sexual feelings nor my sexuality, so I simply must love myself and accept myself for who I am. Hopefully, others will do the same.
On June 15, 1999 I took the next Big Step and came out to my mom. Let me just say that she isn't exactly thrilled about it - - but she says she still loves me and won't disown me. I still wish she could be more accepting of me. She still doesn't believe gays should have the right to marry because "that's the way it's always been." I hope she'll come around eventually. My mom made me promise not to tell my dad, because I have always had a stormy relationship with my dad and he would not take the news gracefully. We aren't going to tell my sister either.
Currently, one of my main causes is working for the legalization of same-gender marriages and for equal rights of homosexuals and bisexuals under the law. I have made several beloved friends whom I value the friendship of more than life itself. I hope as I move on to new places in my life, I can meet more heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual guys who will accept me for who I am, as I will them.
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