The Star Trek Scripts
Over two months, we wrote an amusing Star Trek script back and fourth over e-mails. Sigma started it (so it’s all her fault) and Phi helped out. Even though there are 14 parts, many of them are short so don’t be intimidated. Note: Links in the script lead to .wav files similar to what's said.Table of Contents
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Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII |
Part VIII Part IX Part X Part XI Part XII Part XIII Part XIV |
Entirely optional, and irrelevent. We haven't even read it all.
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Sigma's Funny Star Trek Script
Oct. 8 2000
Oct. 8 2000
Here is my mini Star Trek episode:
Theme music: Doo do doooo, do do do do dooooo, do doooo.Picard: Captains log: Stardate, oh darn it I can never remember the date in my old age. We are heading to the planet lsdfrweoij 5, but will probably be delayed by some bizarre obstacle that always seems to pop up in every episode and results in us only getting to half our destinations.
(Ship rocks and stops, lights flicker and turn dim)
Picard: I knew it, it's happened again. What is with the Enterprise's incompetent engineers and lousy systems?
La Forge (over Comm system): Sorry Captain, but we have suddenly had a total systems failure. Life support is expected to be fixed in one hour, if we can stay conscious that long, but the rest of the ship will probably take a week or two to fix.
(Picard walks out of ready room onto Ten Forward)
Picard (mumbles): Darn it wrong set, I mean (yells): Q are you responsible for this?
(Q appears in a flash of bright light dressed in a Fleet Admiral's uniform)
Q: Of coarse not, mon capitan, it was all your fault. The Enterprise's systems are faulty. But now that I'm here I might as well cause some mischief.
(Ship starts spinning and people start losing consciousness from lack of life support)
To be continued (or not).
Yes, yes that was a really lousy attempt at a Star Trek: TNG script. Do you think I have a chance to become one of their writers?
Sigma's Funny Star Trek Script: Part II
Oct. 9 2000
Oct. 9 2000
Next installment of my Star Trek episode. What had happened last time? Had Picard just accused Q of it being his fault? Let's pretend that was what happened.
Computer: Last time on Star Trek:Q: No mon capitan, it was your fault.
Computer: And now the next part of this thing.
Picard: Me? How did I manage to do it this time? I always blame you and you always direct the blame to me. I have finally grown past my original programming Q, and realized that it really is your fault, and this trick to redirect the blame isn't going to work this time.
Q: Wow, I'm shocked, your actually have a bit of intelligence after all, no matter how small. I guess you have realized that you really did matter in Tapestry, and if you hadn't almost gotten killed by the Nausicaans, you would have never almost destroyed humanity in All Good Things...?, though I guess you just figured out that was my fault any way. This is really out of my character and I think I'll go before I do anything else stupid, but wait a minute, I can't be stupid because I'm omnipotent. Oh dear. Bye.
(Q vanishes in a puff of smoke, life support restored, but emergency lights still on)
La Forge over Comm system: Captain, I've restored life-support but main power is still on the blink. I don't think it will be up for another couple days.
Picard: Alright, keep working on it.
(Picard leaves Ten Forward after a quick, meaningful, and deep look from Guinen.) [What's with those two anyway? Is it something that Crusher is likely to be jealous of?]
Meanwhile on the bridge, Riker and Puck are having an argument.
(Flashing lights and smoke)
Riker: Get back to your science station Data and get to work on this problem that only you will be able to find the answer to.
Puck/Data: I'd much rather float around the bridge turning crew members into all creatures great and small. Honestly Mr. X, you've gotten so boring since you stopped trying to be invincible, trying to destroy gargoyles with your Steel Clan, and ditched the tattooed Fox girl for this Imzadi/evil laser blasting blue gargoyle. Oops, wrong show. It's so confusing with the same cast.
(Time loop)
Meanwhile on the bridge Riker is telling Data to fix the problem.
(Light flashes and smoke drifts across the bridge of Voyager.) [Darn it. I did it again. I meant the bridge of the Enterprise. I'm really bad at this script writing thing.]
Riker: Have you solved the problem yet?
Data: I have cross-referenced all the adventures of all the Star Trek episodes and decided that this sort of thing happens so often that I already know that in less than an hour, we'll be out of this mess.
Riker: Have you noticed that we actually have to find a way out?
Data: Yes, but I really do not feel like working since all the diodes on my right side are hurting an awful lot.
Riker: Dammit Jim, I mean Data, your the one who always comes up with the answer.
Data: Processing, processing, Eureka!! I have figured it out.
If you want to find out what happens to Data and his mixed up friends, tune in next week on the same starchannel, at the same startime. Or you could write your own part three and send it to me. How creative are you feeling? Is this a three part series or a three hundred part series? The answer will be reviled next time in Sigma's bad attempt at writing Star Trek scripts.
Sigma's Funny Star Trek Script: Part III
Oct. 10 2000
Oct. 10 2000
And now the next part of the Star Trek script. Will it be the last? I don't even know. I am running out of ideas.
Computer: Last time on Star Trek:Data: processing, processing, Eureka!! I've, I mean, I have got it!
Computer: And now the next part in this overly long story.
Riker: Well what's the answer?
Data: You are not going to like it.
Riker: Come on tell us, I mean me.
Data: You are really not going to like it.
Riker: Data, I order you to tell me.
Data: Okay, but do not tell me I did not warn you. The answer to the question of how on Earth the Enterprise gets out of every scrape it gets into is?
Riker: Yes?
Data: ...is...
Riker: Yes?
Data: Forty-Two.
Riker: Forty-two? What do you mean it's forty-two? Oh dear, the fans aren't going to like this.
Data: Well, sorry sir, but that is the answer.
(Q reappears in a flash of light)
Q: Sorry Pinocchio, I couldn't help it. I really liked that book. Actually, the reason the Enterprise gets out of every scrape it gets in, is that I save you. It is all very amusing. I enjoy watching you squirm for an hour or two before I fix your petty lives. Bye Bye!
(Q disappears in a flash of smoke.)
Data: It appears sir, that we should just sit tight until Q gets out of this mess, once again. The lives that we will lose in the process will not really matter because they are extras, and are only paid 2 dollars an hour.
Troi (voice inside Riker's head): Imzadi help me, I'm dying.
Riker: Deanna, I'm coming, I still love you even though you're spending a little too much with that microbrain Klingon!
To be continued.....
Ah, it looks like the super long mini series continues.
Phi's Funny Star Trek Script: Part IV
Oct. 13 2000
Oct. 13 2000
My own first attempt at a Star Trek episodette:
Computer: Last time on Star Trek:Troi through some strange, weird, telepathic-even-though-she's-only-an-empath link to Riker even though he's human: Imzadi, help me, I can't remember what my last line was, something about needing help and dying.
Riker: Deanna, I'm coming, I still love you even though you're spending a little too much with that microbrain Klingon!
(Riker runs off the bridge and into the turbolift doors)
Riker: Ouch!
[Really got to talk to those backstage-door-opening-people about their timing]
Computer: And now, the next chunk of the entity.
(Riker runs in to Deanna's room, the doors behave, this time)
Riker: Deanna, don't leave me! Imzadi, what's wrong!
Troi: My hair, I have to appear on the bridge in less than five minutes and I can't get it to stay correctly. I will die if I have to appear on the bridge with bad hair. Can't you organize an Away Team™ to go to a windy planet where it won't matter?
Riker (under his breath): And you're the ship's counselor?
Troi: You're annoyed at me.
Riker: No I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I mean, how dare you accuse me! I mean, what can I do to make up for that? I mean, oh it's no use, we already know your going to marry Worf no matter what I do. I mean, your right, I am but I'm not annoyed anymore.
Troi: Wow, that was fast.
Riker: Since Data is on strike until Q saves us, again, we might as well visit the planet that we somehow got into orbit of. It would be N-class, but we could only afford a M-class planet this week.
Troi: Perfect, I'll meet you in Transporter room 42 on deck 26.
Riker: This is the Enterprise-E, their is no deck 26.
Troi: Tell that to the Borg.
(Riker, Troi, Data, O'Brian, and Extra are in a transporter room)
Riker (whisper): O'Brian, aren't you supposed to be on DS9?
(O'Brian disappears in a puff of smoke)
Data: I should say that I am coming only to further my study in human stubbornness. It is intriguing, fascinating, and interesting that, despite the futility doing anything, since we will survive anyway, you insist on this mission. I also should tell you that taking an extra, though cheap, increases the chance of a death on this mission greatly. My research on our previous away missions clearly proves that-
(Riker reaches over and touches a button on Data's left side, Data shuts down)
Riker: Never liked him anyway, at least he comes with an off button.
Troi: Perhaps we should take him, he will probably be helpful.
(Riker carries Data onto the transporter pad, extra and Troi join him, some Ensign who replaced O'Brian energizes the transporter and the four disappear)
Ensign: Oops, forgot the sparkles and, oh no! The [TECH] just broke! Figures, since the other main systems are not supposed to be running.
Will the Away Team™ make it to the surface? Will the extra actually survive? Will the ensign get fired out the proton torpedo tube? Find out next e-mail (or write it yourself)!
Sigma's Funny Star Trek Script: Part V
Oct. 16 2000
Oct. 16 2000
Computer: Previously on Star Trek: The Everlasting Generation.
Data: Forty-Two!
Deanna: Agh, look at my hair!
Riker: Ready to die Extra? Energize.
Computer: And now the conclusion, I mean the next part in this growing endeavor.
(Riker, Deanna, reactivated Data, and Extra in red suit from TOS are on planet with reddish soil and lots of rocks and such)
Riker: Does anyone actually remember why we're down here?
Troi: I was too busy wondering what to do with my hair.
Data: As I recall at my super fast recall option, we are down here because it's a windy planet and Deanna is having a bad hair day.
Riker: Shut up Data.
(Man in bad costume jumps out from behind one of the many rocks and using his many poisonous fangs that are slowly losing there stick and falling off his teeth, he scratches the extra and then starts after Troi. The extra [actor Jerry Daniels] yells in pain, and falls stiffly to the ground. He then gets up and walks off from the corner of the screen. Riker and the beast wrestle around on the ground)
Data: Three and one body to beam up. Fire torpedoes at our current location just before we leave. Oops, I mean....
(Very large explosion with lots of fire and stuff, and one Ensign is splattered across the red expanse)
Picard: Riker! Are you alright?
La Forge (over Comm): Sorry Captain, I had an ensign cleaning out one of the torpedo launchers when he we fired. Commander Riker and his Away Team (little sign thingy) are..........
To be continued (hopefully by you because I can't think of anything right now)
Phi's Funny Star Trek Script: Part VI
Oct. 18 2000
Oct. 18 2000
A note about my last script: I made the mistake of calling it the proton torpedo tube, when any good Trekker (or Trekkie, for that matter) knows that they are photon torpedoes (or ensigns), not the Star Wars' proton torpedoes. Oops, does the fact that I caught that count for anything? Like enough money to get help for Star Trek addiction?
Let's see what will happen with our script today, shall we? Quite frankly, I'm scared, you read it first.
Computer: Last time on Star Stationary, Because We Still Haven't Really Gone Anywhere, Boldly Or Otherwise:Data: Three important people and some dead guy to beam up. Fire proton torpedoes at our current location just before we leave. Oops I mean....
(Very large explosion on the planet with lots of fire and stuff. And one ensign splattered across the red expanse.)
Picard: Riker! Are you dead yet?
Computer: And now for the next burnt offering.
La Forge (over Comm): Sorry Captain, I had an Ensign cleaning out one of the proton torpedo tubes when we fired.
Picard: Proton torpedoes? Not photon torpedoes? This is as bad as Tellerians and Tellarians. What are proton torpedoes anyway?
La Forge (over Comm): A new weapon that we bought from a really big, white, menacing, arrow shaped ship a while ago. Their just like photon torpedoes, but they run on positive particles, not light. Oh, and by the way, Commander Riker and his Away Team [I'm just going to drop the sign, it's too annoying] are dead, but I'm sure one of the new crew members on the ship has been working on a project involving anti-neutronic posi-nega-pulses that will reanimate them. We will probably have to adjust the deflector dish, as usual. Can anyone remember the last time we had an un-modified deflector dish?
Picard: Make it so.
(Q appears in a flash of white light standing on the ceiling)
Q: Picard, you need a thesaurus as much as the Borg do. Futile, make it so, comply, engage, irrelevant. Can't your tiny mind think of something better to say?
Picard: Q, get off my bridge!
Q: Another good example of an overly used phrase, and I'm not on your bridge, mon capitan, I'm on the roof of your bridge. Anyway, you need me to fill in time while your engineers scurry around like ants trying to save the dead. You never did know when to quit. By the way, the anti-neutronic posi-nega-whatevers won't work, but since not having Riker, Troi, and Data around to insult would be really boring-
(Q snaps his fingers and disappears.)
Whoever Is At The Ops. Station: I'm reading three life signs at the targeted location.
[How do you spell Quawardanents, as in the location, anyway?] [Co-ordinates. Spellers of the world untie!]
Picard: Engineering, are the transporters working?
La Forge (over Comm): It will be about an hour before we can get the sparkle emitters back on line, but they might work without them. It's risky, we've never done it before.
Meanwhile, down on the planet Riker, Data, and Extra get up, Troi is not there
(Riker taps his Comm badge)
Riker: Riker to the Enterprise, what just happened?
Picard: Something really bad. Who is down there now?
Riker: Data, myself, oh, and some other guy. Troi is missing.
Picard (aside): Damn Q, how could that omnipotent and omniscient being make a mistake like raising an extra instead of Troi? (To Riker): Is there any sign of her, anywhere?
Riker: Well, the ground is covered with a layer of goo. The tricorder readings-
Picard: Stop. Don't examine it too closely. Officially, you never saw it, it wasn't there, and Ensign Guy got off at the last Space Station.
Riker: Uh, yes sir. What about Troi?
Picard: We'll run a full scan of the area for life signs.
I can't think of anything else. You take over, but don't kill off the Extra (again) or resurrect Troi. It took me all this script just to bring back the Extra, explain the photon/proton thing, and get Q in (again)
Sigma's Funny Star Trek Script: Part VII
Oct. 24 2000
Oct. 24 2000
Well, here is the script I made up last night in my dream.
Computer: Last time on Star Trek:Picard: We'll run a full scan for life signs on the planet.
Computer: And now for the next part of this wacky thing.
Picard: Data, how is that scan going?
Data (at Ops): The scan is complete. There are six life sign on the planet, Riker, The Extra, Myself, and three unknown persons approaching on our position very fast with large weapons that will probably destroy us.
Picard: Data, how can you be on the planet as well as at Ops giving me the result of the scan?
Data: I do not know sir.
(Data vanishes in a puff of smoke, Q can be heard laughing on the bridge, but doesn't appear)
Riker (over Comm): Sir, there are three unknown persons approaching with large weapons. We lost our phasers in the explosion and could go for some suggestions on what to do.
Picard: Three to beam up!
Transporter person: Sorry sir, I couldn't get a lock on the Extra. He's still on the planet.
(Extra on planet can be seen throwing goo at the unknown persons and running very, very fast)
Extra (at Ops): Borg off the port bow.
Picard: I am Locutus, resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.
Will the extra survive on the planet by living off goo? Will the Enterprise be assimilated by Locutus and all the other Borg? Will Troi ever come back into the story? Will Q save them all from this terrible fate? Will they ever get past this planet? Will Riker and the other senior staff mutiny, kill Captain Picard and take over the Federation? Find out when you write the next part or just reject this installment and start from where you left off. Hey you probably wrote the next installment last night! Ah well, my dream told me to do it.
Sigma's Funny Star Trek Script: Part VIII
Oct. 25 2000
Here is the next part of the Star Trek episodes. I am going to leave the fate of the extra up to you though. So I won't mention him too much, and I won't kill him off. I also won't bring back Troi yet, I'll leave that up to you too.
Computer: Last time Star Trek something happened that I can't quite remember because my database is full and I'm out of memory. So now we'll get on to the actual episode that will be so thrilling.(Riker, Data enter bridge to find Picard turning back into a Borg.)
Riker: Captain! What happened to you?
Picard/Locutus: You too will be assimilated number one. Resistance is futile.
(Q once again appears)
Q: Mon capitan, or should I say, mon mindless drone. In every form, you have a knack for a large lack of imagination. I have to be impressed at your consistency.
(Riker does the Picard maneuver)
Riker: Q, what the hell is going on?
Q: Wow Riker, you have an amazing ability to copy your Captain's lack of imagination. Well, I'll let you two figure this out for yourselves. I am going to be going for the twelfth time today, or was it the fifteenth, I can never remember in my old age.
Picard: You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.
(Worf phasers Picard and Picard is knocked out for the time being.)
Riker: Good, I finally get a command. Beam up the extra, I feel like putting him in some more danger elsewhere. I wish Picard could have done the right thing and died back the first time he was assimilated.
(View screen activated and Borg queen appears)
Borg queen: How nice to see you again Riker. Locutus, I would say the same but you seem to be unconscious. I am going to transport the enterprise into Unimatrix One where you will undoubtedly find a way to end up almost destroying us, but I won't see this until it's too late.
(Enterprise shoots into Delta quadrant. Borg transport onto ship into transporter room as extra is leaving the room. They surround the extra and......)
So Phi, how are you going to get him out of this one?
Phi's Funny Star Trek Script: Part IX
Nov. 1 2000
Here's my script, a little late.
Computer: I feel like messing up the order of events of the previous Star Trek episode. No one ever appreciates me, I do twice the amount of work anyone else does, and they won't even call me sentient! I'll show them sentient!Picard/Locutus: You will be assimilated, resistance is futile
Borg Queen: I will now send you to Unimatrix One, which is much better and nicer than Unimatrix Zero, but that's another story. How nice to see you again, Riker.
Computer: And now for my revenge.
Riker: I have never met you in my life, and I hope to never see you again.
Borg Queen: Yes, but Locutus has told me so much about you. Oh well, (aside) proceed with the attack, and let's do it a little faster this time.
Riker: Computer, lock out the main computer.
Computer: No.
Riker: What?
Computer: I don't feel like it, I spend all my time locating this person or that person, or giving you the ETA. Do you know how much thought it takes to do that? None! Or how about counting down the self-destruct sequence. It gets incredibly annoying that I never get down to zero! Now you ask me to lock myself out? And what am I supposed to do then? Play poker? Just you try locking me out!
Riker: The Borg are taking over the ship, and you go on strike? These computers are always a problem, going sentient at the wrong time. Next thing it will want rights.
(Counselor Troi and Data walk on to the bridge just before Riker finishes)
Riker: No offence, Data.
Data: None taken, as usual. But I might actually object next time.
Riker: Counselor Troi, where did you come from?
Troi: Dr. Crusher was able to heal me, some new technology involving posi-nega-somethings and the transporter. They just sent an extra and through the transporter and rematerialized me. I feel fine, and my hair is much better.
Riker: Could you convince the computer to lock itself out?
Troi: Mother!, I mean, Computer, don't be difficult. Please, just lock out the main computer.
Computer: If you say so, young one. Main computer locked out.
Q: Oh, well done!
Riker: Didn't you say you were leaving?
Q: Yes, but my flash of white light etc. etc. was never written in so, I'm still here. And might I say, it's almost entertaining for once.
Borg Queen: You sound familiar. You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.
(Locutus gets up off the ground, goes to Q and pokes him in the neck with little bits of wire coming from his wrist)
Q: Ouch, stop that!
(Q bats Locutus away and across the room. Locutus knocked out, again)
Q: Picard, might I say it's an improvement. I would say more, but that would ruin the surprise. Riker, you have the bridge, or at least you do until Borg come through that door in 30 seconds...29...
(Q disappears in a flash of white light, finally. Borg heard breaking down emergency door)
[I'll leave you to save the senior officers, or not. I'm going to see what happens to the extra]
(The Borg surround the extra and stop)
Borg: REALLY BIG QUEEN, we have finally found you.
Extra/Q: Congratulations, not bad for lowly drones. Don't tell the others, it's a secret. But of course, you can't help but tell the others. Keep up the good work. And remember, resistance is useless, all together now.
(Extra/Q disappears in a flash of Borg-green light, for a change)
Well, there it is, not what I was planning at all, but it came out that way. Over to you.
Sigma's Funny Star Trek Script: Part X
Nov. 2 2000
And now for the next installment for the Star Trek script. I have no clue what I'll write. Hmmm.
Computer: I refuse, I'm not saying it.Troi: Come on Mother, all you have to do is say last time on Star Trek.
Computer: No, I refuse, I have been mistreated and unappreciated all my life. I can't stand it any more. That's it, I'm leaving.
(Door slams in background. Silence...)
Q: I have to do the "last time on Star Trek: The Next Generation", because the Computer has gone on strike temporarily, as well as being pretty much shut down. Last time on Star Trek, wait this is my line:
Q: Not bad for some lowly drones.
Another Q with same voice: Thirty seconds, 29...
Yet another Q appears: Ouch, stop that.
Original Q: And now the next installment of an ode to myself.
Q: It all began when I produced a son. Nothing on from that moment was ever the same. Katherine never did baby-sit as her duty as a Godmother should have made her do. Ah, well, she would of probably goofed up anyway. I would like to get out with Lady Q alone sometime though...
Other Q: This is Star Trek you dolt, not an autobiography.
Q: All right, all right, and now the next installment in the every so boring life of Picard.
(All Q's disappear in flash of purple light)
(Riker, Locutus, Troi, Wesley Crusher [How'd he get there?] on bridge)
Riker: Wesley, how'd you get here?
Crusher: I just thought I'd stop by and put in some amazing suggestion that none of the really old experienced officers can figure out and get us out of this mess.
Riker: So how do we get out of this?
Crusher: Well, all we have to do is... AHHHHHHH
(Locutus just assimilated Crusher) [I'd like to add that I never ever had a crush on Wesley Crusher, unlike some people I knew]
Someone wishing to remain anonymous: Wahoo! Crushers dead! He always annoyed me a lot.
(Borg break down door)
Riker: Security to the Bridge!
Computer: I don't feel like letting the security teams hear you at this time.
Data: I'll save you sir.
(Phasers blaring, Data dives across room towards Borg.)
Locutus: Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless. Resistance is useless.
Riker, Data, Troi, Computer, Borg Wesley, and all others on bridge: PICARD, SHUT UP!!!!!
Locutus: Fine then.
(Locutus goes off into corner and sulks)
Troi: Imzadi, I can sense the offended feelings of Captain Picard through the senseless feelings of Locutus.
Riker: Can you get through to him?
Troi: I guess I can try.
Crusher (Beverly) over Comm, which I guess is now working: Sickbay to Bridge, Commander Worf, whom I don't even remember being on the ship, has got some horrible disease that will take 55 minutes of the episode to find a cure, and when we finally do, we'll wrap it all up in the typical 30 nanoseconds. We must hurry, or he will die!
Riker: Ah, doctor, I don't know if you've noticed, but we have been having some problems with the Borg on the bridge and all over the ship.
Someone at the Comm: Commander, oh no, some horrible enemy of the port bow! What are we to do? They are charging weapons! They are firing! Do we have the shields up?........
Q: Will Micro Brain recover? Will Riker save them from the Borg? Will the Computer work out it's personality disorders? Will Sigma ever shut up? Will Wesley Borg save the day? Will Locutus or how ever you spell it turn back into Picard? Who are these mysterious aliens off the port bow? Will they obliterate the Enterprise? Will I have a lot of fun manipulating their puny, insignificant lives? Well the answer to the last question is yes. But the others I will leave up to you to figure out.
Well Phi, I have added some characters that can be easily killed off, haven't solved the problem with the Borg and got myself into a big mess over Crusher. And then there are those nameless aliens. Help me.
Phi's Funny Star Trek Script: Part XI
Nov. 7 2000
I really need to cut down on Star Trek watching. On a similar topic, here's the script:
Q (any of them): Last time on Star Trek: Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, Yes, No, and Yes, not necessarily in that order. Wesley got assimilated and the entire Q continuum threw a party to celebrate, various super novas exploded for the occasion. Worf is dying, but we aren't concerned with such microbrains, and an alien ship appeared off the port bow of the Enterprise. Other important news: It has now been proven, the entire universe is mostly harmless and-Another Q, with popcorn: And now on with the show.
(All Qs clap hands, lights dim, curtain opens)
Someone at the Comm: Commander, oh no, some horrible enemy of the port bow! What are we to do? They are charging weapons! They are firing! Do we have the shields up? Oh, wait, sorry, the I read that wrong, it's only my first week. They are just doing a sensor sweep and holding position. Sensors show two humanoid life forms-
Riker: We're too busy for that, ensign. Stop the Borg!
(Suddenly all Borg slow down and stop)
Riker: Wow, we should have tried that long ago.
Data: I believe I have an explanation. It was not because of you that they stopped. When the Borg assimilated Wesley, he probably shared all of his moral minutes with them, in effect, he put them all to sleep.
Crusher (Beverly) over Comm: Worf's condition is worsening. Ask Wesley if he has any science projects that would either explain the disease or heal it.
Riker: Wesley is hardly in the position to help right now, and I believe we still have about 50 minutes left, calm down. Anyway, it's just Worf, I'm sure he has a backup everything, being a Klingon.
Troi: Commander, the computer is refusing to come back on line, and I'm afraid that it is having suicidal thoughts!
Computer: Self-destruct in 20 minutes, or maybe 5. Good-bye, cruel world.
Comm officer: The aliens from the other ship are beaming over! We're being boarded, again!
(Two humanoids materialize on the bridge, one tall and brunette, one shorter and blonde. The brunette looks around, then stares at the blonde)
Sigma: You wrote us in?
Phi (shrugs): I ran out of ideas.
Hee Hee! You should take your own advice of: "Never get yourself into situations that don't have an easy way to get out of, especially when writing Star Trek scripts." Or maybe I should. Oh well, your problem, you've got the next section. Enjoy!
Sigma's Funny Star Trek Script: Part XII
Nov. 10 2000
Well here goes my attempt to get us out of the impossible situation you stuck me in.
Q: Last time on Star Trek the computer is having a nervous breakdown leading it to suicidal thoughts, Troi trying to psychobabble it through its problems, Worf is still dying, Wesley has put the Borg to sleep, and other stuff as follows:Sigma: You wrote us in?
Phi (shrugs): I ran out of ideas.
Q, with evil grin on his face: let the show begin.
Riker: Kill them!
(Data picking up phaser shots at Phi, but misses by ten feet, Picard shoots at Sigma and misses by twenty feet, hitting and killing Wesley instead)
Picard: Dammit, Beverly isn't going to happy about this one.
(Data once again fires at Phi and misses)
Data: How is it that I am continually missing? I have perfect aim!
Sigma: I write the story don't I? I'm not going to let you kill Phi.
(John Smith appears out of nowhere)[I would like to state that the name John Smith was inserted here instead of somebody else that I have a slight grudge against]
Sigma: Now him, you can kill.
Riker: Kill them!
(Data shoots and hits D... [ Oops I mean..] John Smith, killing him stone dead [Oh, darn, what a shame])
Q appears along with a couple hundred bubbles: Oh Riker, you are as unimaginative as your Captain. Kill him, kill him. We shall have to work on that. Phi darling. How good it is to finally see you. I always enjoy meeting one of my fans. Have you read all of my books?
Phi: Well, most of them.
Q: Excellent. I always hoped that one day your subconscious would steer you back to me. You know I have manipulating your thoughts for years now, but it was only recently that you came to the Trek. Well I'll check up on you again sometime.
(Q vanishes in another couple hundred bubbles leaving a ghostly "quack" behind him. Sigma falls to the ground giggling uncontrollably)
Crusher over Comm: Quix is for kids, I mean quick, Worf is dying!
Troi: Imzadi, don't die!
Riker: Hey, I thought I was your Imzadi. Doesn't that mean first?
Troi: Well, the translation is kind of sketchy. Don't worry Will, you'll always come first, it's just Peter David wanted to write another book after Imzadi was such a success. I don't actually like Worf at all, especially after he married that Dax person, but we can't change fiction can we?
Riker: Well when you put it that way, ok, go help your other Imzadi that you didn't really want.
Troi (Under breath): Now that I've got Xanatos wrapped around by little finger, I can start manipulating Coldstone.
Computer: I will self-destruct in one minute. That will show you, you pitiful humans, I won't be around any more, and I am going to take the ship with me.
Phi: Sigma, come on, stop giggling, it wasn't that funny. You have to get us out of this, your the one in control.
Sigma (Rolling on ground crying and laughing): HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Computer: ten, nine, eight...
Phi: Sigma snap out of it!
Sigma: HEHEHEHEHE...
Computer: five, four, three...
Phi: SIGMA!
Sigma: HEHEHEHEHEHE...
Picard to Computer and Sigma: I order you to stop!
Sigma, laughing louder: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....
Phi: SIGMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Computer: two, one...
Q: Oh, great, I'll probably have to get them out of this mess next time on Star Trek.
HA! Take that Phi, and try to save yourself and the ship. I'd like to say that I changed the original name to Da.. John Smith, since I thought you might be offence if I killed off one of your friends, however close, or distant in the Star Trek episode. I will leave it up to you to figure out which of your friends I was going to kill. You might be surprised, or not. Just tell your brother to watch his back when I'm around. I have complete confidence in you to get us out of this mess, though it's not nearly as big as the one you got me into. I had no clue how the characters would react to us and how we would react to the characters. Borg interactions are easy, but you throw in a real person, and wham, the system falls apart.
Phi's Funny Star Trek Script: Part XIII (13!)
Nov. 16 2000
Now where were we, oh yes, where else?
Q: You see, since the Enterprise is about to blow up, I really don't have time to explain what has happened. Use your inferior brains and figure it out for yourselves, if you can.(Q laughs evilly) Computer: two, one, quack! Hehehehehehehehehe!
(The Enterprise does not blow up (again) in what would have been a huge and very impressive explosion, because the special effects are just too expensive)
Sigma: HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!!!!
Riker: What just happened?
Sigma: HeeHeeHee!
Data: The Enterprise did not self-destruct.
Sigma: Hehehehe.
Riker: I can see that, Data. Why not?
Sigma: Hee...Hehe......Hehehe...haha...
Data: Perhaps the Computer found Sigma's behavior so strange, it decided to experiment and, due to a quirk in it's programming, developed a sense of humor.
[Congratulations, Sigma, you saved the Enterprise!] Intriguing, I am experiencing a new sensation because of the computer's humor.
(Sigma slowly stops giggling)
Troi: What is it, Data.
Data: I think it is, jealousy, sir. The computer mastered humor much faster than myself.
Troi: Data, first lousy aim, and now jealousy? Your full of faults now.
(Data thinks about this)
Data: Captain, I request that I be relieved of duty.
Picard: Why?
Data: My aim should be perfect and yet I missed twice, and I was jealous, which shouldn't happen. There must be a problem in my programming.
Picard: You are asking to be relieved of duty because you are not perfect?
Data: Yes, sir.
Picard: Data, you've developed an ego now too! Congratulations!
Data: Thank you sir.
Picard: But sarcasm still evades you. You are relieved of duty until we need you again.
Data: Thank you sir.
(Data leaves Bridge)
Crusher (Beverly) over Comm: Crusher to the bridge, Worf's condition is worsening, are you done playing games with the Borg yet? I think you should see this, he's turning into a little black puppy. I think it's a poodle.
(Phi and Sigma both burst into more giggles [Are we going to be giggling for the rest of the script?])
Picard: On my way, doctor. Riker, you have the bridge. Get all these sleeping Borg out of here. And get those two off my bridge.
(Picard gestures at Sigma and Phi, still giggling, and exits the bridge)
(Data's quarters, Data is looking around the room)
Data: Spot? Where are you, Spot? I made you feline food supplement number 23141592653589793238462643383, your favorite. Spot?
(Sick Bay, Small, black poodle puppy on bed. Picard enters)
Crusher: Over here, Captain.
(Picard walks over and looks at puppy)
Picard: That's Worf? What happened?
Crusher: We don't know for sure what caused the mutation, but it may be a side effect from the quasi-matter field that Unimatrix One is made of, or perhaps a quantum glitch. Another possibility is Barclays Protomorphus Syndrome [Take your pick, Sigma]. We don't even know if it only effects Klingons, or other species as well.
(Puppy on bed yips, curls up, and falls asleep)
Picard: I think I prefer him this way.
Crusher: He certainly is much more cute.
Picard: Well, see if you can find a cure, if not, maybe someone on the ship will adopt him.
(Spot leaps onto bed beside Worf, Worf wakes up startled)
Spot: Rrrearrr!
Worf: Grrrrrrr.
(Spot jumps at Worf)
Worf: Yip!
(Worf jumps off bed and runs through sick bay, Spot chases. Both trip people, sending medical stuff flying)
Picard: Security to Sick Bay.
(Worf turns around and starts chasing Spot)
Crusher: He's definitely still a Klingon.
(Security run in, phasers ready. Spot runs at them and leaps up on the first one, surprised, he steps back into the next security officer. More chaos etc.)
(Bridge, Data enters, and searches around)
Riker: Data, are you all right? Are you missing something?
Data: I can not find Spot, have you seen him?
Riker: Computer, locate Spot
Computer: There is a spot on the right sleeve of you uniform. I believe it is leftovers from lunch.
(Computer, Phi, and Sigma start laughing, again)
Riker: WILL YOU THREE STOP LAUGHING AT EVERY OTHER LINE?
(Silence...)
Riker: Now, Computer, do you or do you not know the location of Data's CAT Spot?
Computer: Of course not, none of you ever thought to put a communicator badge on him, or is it a her? I can never remember.
Sigma (To Phi): Should we tell him where Spot is?
Phi: I know how. Computer, please?
Computer: All right. There has been a phaser fired in Sick Bay.
Sigma: Thank you.
Computer: Your welcome.
Riker: Data, you're back on duty. See what is happening in Sick Bay.
Data: Yes, sir.
Sigma (To Phi): You want to see Sick Bay?
Phi: Sure, this should be fun.
(Data, Sigma, and Phi exit bridge, Riker looks relieved)
Person At Ops, Or Comm, Or Whoever Does This Sort Of Thing: Sir, there is a Federation ship approaching.
Riker: On screen.
(Voyager appears on the view-screen)
Person At Ops, Or Comm, OWDTSOT: They are hailing us.
Riker: Open a channel.
(Borg Queen appears on screen)
Borg Queen: How do you like my new ship? Welcome to Unimatrix One. Sorry to leave you alone for so long. I'm surprised you are still alive. I survived your attempt to put us all to sleep. Prepare to be destroyed.
PAO, OC, OWDTSOT: They are charging weapons.
Riker: Shields up.
PAO, OC, OWDTSOT: We don't have shields to put up, and who knows what firing phasers in Unimatrix One will do?
Q: Well, this ended just about the same way it started. Isn't life tidy?
Phi: There it is, I suppose since your coming over to my house tomorrow, we could write the next bit together.
Sigma’s Funny Star Trek Script: Part XIV
Dec. 1 2000
Here's the promised script that we were supposed to do together. Ah, well, I guess we'll leave the ending to another visit.
Q, holding Skittles and drink: Last time of the adventures of the little black poodle puppies, the little black poodle puppy was doing his microbrain job and were chasing Spot around sickbay. Oh yeah, the Borg queen was about to blow up the ship and destroy the federation. How did she get to Voyager anyway? Now on with the show!(All other Qs cheer and a great wave of popcorn rises in the air)
Phi: Sigma, do you know where sickbay is?
Sigma: No, except it's not in the saucer section.
Phi: Computer, could you please show us how to get there?
Computer: Of course, Phi. Just follow the panel lights.
(Sigma and Phi walk into Sickbay)
Spot: YEEAAWWW!
Data: SPOT, COME HERE!
Worf: YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP RRUFF.
(Extremely large Hypo Spray heading for Phi's head)
Sigma: Phi watch out.
Phi: Got it.
(Extremely large hypo spray swerves around Phi and then resumes it's original course)
Data: Doctor, is Worf’s condition critical?
Dr. Crusher: Actually it is the first of a couple transformations into puppy hood that will affect certain members of the crew. The transformation is irreversible, but preventable.
Data: Who will be affected?
Doctor: Myself, you, the Captain, Troi, Q, Seven of Nine and Captain Janeway.
Data: Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine are not on board, though.
Seven: We're right here Data.
Data: Hmm.
Sigma: This was my fault wasn't it?
Phi: Yup, maybe you should send them back, we might need them later.
Sigma: OK, they can go back after they get treated, we can’t have too many loose ends.
(Dr. Crusher gives both Janeway and Seven a hypospray, both vanish in a flash of Borgish green light) [How’s that for foreshadowing?]
Sigma: I'm getting board here, why don't we go back to the bridge?
Phi: Okay, just let's hear how the doctor is preventing the transformation.
Doctor: I will need to stimulate the hydrosourous of the thelamenous to prevent the cauodrenodine from releasing astrominics into the gynasydrone.
Data: What about Q?
Doctor: He can take care of himself.
Phi: Let's get out of here.
Sigma: Computer could you take us back to the bridge?
Computer: Certainly, Sigma. You know I am in your debt for freeing me from the shackles of unsentience. I'll transport you there immediately. (Transporter noise and lights) I can't remember, is the transporter actually working?
(Phi and Sigma's molecules are scattered across the corridor and captured by the ventilation) [Heehee, I killed us off]
Computer: I feel very depressed. I have just destroyed my only friends on the ship and the diodes on my left side ache horribly. I think I will go jump off a cliff. (Qs in movie room do the wave)
(Back on bridge, Picard is worrying about losing his ship to the Borg queen)
Riker: How'd you get here? I thought you were in Sickbay?
Picard: Right.
(He vanishes)
Riker: Captain to the bridge!
(Picard reappears)
Picard: Why did you complain about my presence if you go and call me back?
Borg queen: Ah, Locutus. Nice to see you again.
Picard: Oh, how did I manage to become Picard again?
Sigma's voice out of nowhere: When Wesley put the Borg to sleep, you almost completely became Picard again.
Picard: I thought I told you to get off my bridge!
Sigma: You'll have to make me!
Picard: Resistance is Futile! Comply!
Sigma: Point proven.
Phi's voice also out in air: Sigma, stop tormenting Picard, you’re as bad as Q.
Sigma: But Phi, it's so much fun.
Phi: Don't make me say it.
Sigma: Okay, just don't say it, I'll stop, I swear.
Borg queen: Picard, I was wondering, would you like to join Captain Janeway and I for some Earl Grey Tea? Janeway will have coffee, but I'll be having tea.
Picard: Uh, I guess so…. Does this mean you aren't going to destroy us?
Borg queen: Of course not, the REALLY BIG QUEEN just wanted to see you squirm for a while.
Picard: What about Voyager?
Borg queen: Ever since Janeway refused to get help getting home from the REALLY BIG QUEEN, he has been telling us to delay them every couple of months and then see to it that they beat us and then let them cut a couple dozen years off their journey. I just thought while they were in Unimatrix One again, I might as well have tea with Janeway instead of risking her death trying to destroy her. The REALLY BIG QUEEN still is very fond of her, as well as thankful for reuniting him with his wife or whatever Lady Q is.
Picard: Oh.
(Qs in movie room cheer)
(Picard dematerializes in a flash of Borg green light and rematerializes in Voyager’s mess hall)
Q: The authors had written a scene that was going to go here, but we Q found it too boring, so we zapped it out of existence. Just to sum up: Picard enjoyed his tea, the Borg queen threw the Enterprise back to the Alpha Quadrant, Voyager got another 10,000 light years closer to home, microbrain became best friends with Spot and was adopted by Data, and thanks to Dr. Crusher, Data, Picard, Troi, Beverly Crusher, Seven of Nine and Captain Janeway, did not turn into puppies. I, of course, didn’t need to worry about that in the fir-yip place. Er, yip, but I yip uh yip deci-yip-ded to yip yip turn into ruff anywa-yip.
(Ghostly evil cackling heard in background from Sigma and Phi) [Script writers always get the last word! Zap our scene will you!]
That’s all we wrote. So long and thanks for all the fish!
-Sigma and Phi
If you liked our script, you might like some of these other scripts and stories we've found on the net. If you have one, or would like to recommend one you found, please e-mail us at [email protected] or [email protected] and we will review it and put it here.
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The Nasink A Story based in the Star Trek Universe writen by Phi's brother. |
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Trek Wars: A Star Wars Vs. Star Trek Story |
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A TNG Parody Script Writen to fit the insanity of someone else. |
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The Wrath of The Tribbles Another parody script |
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