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A lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant..

And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,....... "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

(How we will order pizza in 2010)

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Take One

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."

Take Two

An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, " ... everyone knows this stuff.

Um, it's on the Mommy test.

You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story...nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting...a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

My children all have Bratz dolls now and I had one of those Mastercard moments today. The ad would go something like this.

Barbie Dolls... $300.00

Star Wars Figures... $200.00

Fisher Price dolls house... $100.00

Bratz Dolls... $50.00

Storage cubes for the above toys $20.00 each.

Watching as all the dolls/figures are dumped on the floor so the Bratz can use them as houses... Priceless

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up And I haven't heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way... One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the girl at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then winging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

A friend brought this birth notice to my attention during the week.

Rachelle and Darren have unleashed unto the world 'The Twins' Will Bradley Jake Thomas, born 24 March 2004 - 'the baby boys' to Callam and Ella. Our thanks to proud Nanna Laurel, Dr Mutton and staff at JJMH. The gob-smacked parents would like to thank Carlton United Brewery and the makers of Chocolate Body Paint for making this blessed event possible. Source The Canberra Times

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been of much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip."

This is the reason why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Hughes. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

with the release of Snoopy Linux 2.1 and Goober Linux 1.0, the number of Linux distributions finally surpassed the number of actual Linux users. Source BBSpot

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 passwords.
4. When I.T support sends you an Email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
5. When an I.T person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
6. Send urgent email all in upper-case. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. More...
   logged by Anthony at 9:25:47 AM Link

In a recent Israeli technology test it was proven that a new PEI transfer protocol was faster than ADSL. The PEI transfer rate

was significantly larger that that available through commercially available ADSL broadband Internet connections: about 2.27 Mbps (Mega bit per second) as compared to 0.75 – 1.5 Mbps

indifferent to the type of Operating System, and accommodate Windows and Linux equally. The technology doesn't suffer from electricity interruptions. It is naturally rechargeable by the carrier itself, using commonly available materials. Scalability is achieved by natural reproduction.

susceptible to hacking, they are also subject to interference from cellular towers.

Google is also interested in the new technology and has exploited it for it search engine.

A New Israeli test confirms: PEI (Pigeon Enabled Internet) is FASTER then ADSL via Slashdot

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research. More...
    logged by Anthony at 9:25:22 AM Link

Hello,

Welcome to this year's public service exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:

• An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work
• flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work
• free use of government stationery (this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building)

Graham Freeman has developed a points system for how likely one is to get killed cycling on the roads.

I've found the weapons of mass destruction, all we had to do was look in Google. All we George Bush needed to do was a Google, not invade Iraq.

Just click the link and Google will do a I'm feeling lucky search for weapons of mass destruction, or you can do it yourself.

http://www.google.com.au/search?q=weapons+of+mass+destruction&btnI=I%27m+Feeling+Lucky

Thanks to the smedley log for pointing this out to me.

NOTICE

This department requires no physical fitness program.

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsabre duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Hi All,

because of my debts, recent living expenses and salary cuts, I'm having cash flow difficulties.

Though I don't want to, I will have to sell some of the things I own.

That is why I have decided to have a garage sale to dispose of several items.

Garage sale will be on this Saturday 28th June.

I have taken a picture, if you can use anything, PLEASE LET ME KNOW AT THE EARLIEST.

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company. One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

* * *

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking

* * *

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $750 Prada shoes and carrying a $900 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement or medical certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL LEAVE: Each employee will receive 104 days of personal leave a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

COMPANY VACATION DAYS: We are a good company that, on top of your entitlement to 104 days of personal leave a year, allows all employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The company vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 & 25 Dec.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, and after work. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. Employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing (and not necessarily on toilet paper).

LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week!

(To be sung to the tune of "The Twelve days of Christmas")

On the first day of research,
My Prof he said to me,
Make us a cup of tea

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theatre while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and re-enact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
   Tomorrow is not looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines.
   I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
   If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot.
    They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
22. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

(As answered by elementary school students)

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours; green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically,

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye. The old man replied.

"got drunk once in Japan and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to raise a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. .....It is strong enough (if tied to a paint can), to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
4. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. ....A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
5. The glass in windows (even double pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
6. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
7. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
8. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
9. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
10. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
11. Super glue is forever.
12. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
13. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
14. VCR's do not eject sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
15. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
16. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
17. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
18. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
19. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying."Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had left my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life.

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house"

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

• In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
• In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
• In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' was.
• In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
• In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
• In South Africa they didn't know what 'please' meant and
• in the United States they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

I'm not sure whether this is true or not, but it's a nice story.....

As we know, we see discrimination in some form or another almost everyday and often times it leaves a sour taste in our mouths. The following story shows us the side of diversity that we are all working for. It is a pleasant twist to see that there are companies and individuals who face discrimination head on, if only one small step at a time.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin:

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues ... "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person." With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walks up to the front of the plane.

people will forget what you did

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then, you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shutup.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

And finally: if you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what itsays on the aspirin bottle:

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes Way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!", said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!", God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?", God asked.

"Uh, huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?", said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!", Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with MY toothbrush. He held it up and said with

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
   Female — Any part under a car's bonnet.

   Male — The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
   Female — Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

   Male — Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
   Female — The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

   Male — Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
   Female — A desire to get married and raise a family.

   Male — Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's

   girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
   Female — A good movie, concert, play or book.

   Male — Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
   Female — An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

   Male — Source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
   Female — The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.

   Male — Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
   Female — A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

   Male — A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes

Here's a story for all consultants or people who have had to use them.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

For the ultimate in time wasting, simply roll your mouse over the bubble wrap to see and hear a satisfying 'pop' as the bubble bursts.

Trouble is, the bubbles come right back after a bit, so it is - we are proud to announce - well and truly useless!

A four-year-old boy called emergency services because he did not like his grandmother's cooking.

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and loveable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gillian's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?! They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, ! Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

• You have two cows.
• You sell one and buy a bull.
• Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
• You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enron-capitalism):

• You have two cows.
• You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

• Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

• The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

• You have two cows.
• You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
• You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

• You have two cows.
• You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

• You have two cows.
• You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
• You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

• You have two cows.
• You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

• You have two cows.
• Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

• You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
• You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

• You have two cows.
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
• You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

• You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
• You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

• You have two cows.
• You have 300 people milking them.
• You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
• newsman who reported the numbers.

• You have two cows.
• That one on the left is kinda cute...

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.

However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

"He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.

"He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

"He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He had me beaten, and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! "

"Then," said Moishe, "he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr.. Pope, we're staying right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
• A shrimp's heart is in its head.
• In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
• It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
• More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
• Horses can't vomit.
• The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
• If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
• If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
• Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
• Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
• If the US government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
• 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
• Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
• Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

A BLONDE walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the necessary documents and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady eighty kilometres per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years ....... but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to ninety kph. The husband speaks again.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it" he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to one hundred and ten.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 120. "I want the car, too," he continues. 130kph. "AND," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her..

"Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at 160 clicks, the wife turns to him and smiles.

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...are the least useful professions (professional athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs...

Only in America...do people buy domestic brand tires, because they want to "buy American," and install them on their imported cars...

Only in America...the budgets for advertising non-essential items, like soft drinks, exceed the economies of many third-world nations...

The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.
They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.
When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf.
They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
Please remove them.

S. Berman

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.

Elaine Carmen,Housekeeper

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM.
That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each with only 17 syllables:

five in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows has crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

This is apparently a true story from the WordPerfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Guide Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbour yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a new screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it's out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 40 or 50 years of your life is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're thinking how true all of this is.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?". The doctor quickly responded,"$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain".

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqr root (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Some tips for all the people in the UK where record temperatures of 35C are being recorded. Nothing like the 39C we had last summer here and get regularly.

• The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
• The temperature drops below 35C and you feel a little chilly.
• You discover that in February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
• You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
• You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
• You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

Third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

First baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

Second baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

Third baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth

First baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

Second baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

Third baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette

First baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

Second baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

Third baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

First baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

Second baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

Third baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

First baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

Second baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

Third baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

First baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

Second baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

Third baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

Second baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

Yesterday Amrozi bin Nurhasyim, the first convicted Bali bomber was given the death penalty for his involvement in the planning of the 12 October bombing. BBC Coverage CNN Coverage ABC Coverage

However I feel that giving the death penalty is unjust, especially in this case.

Amrozi appeared to celebrate the death penalty when the sentence was read out. It would appear he is looking forward to die as a martyr. The death penalty will be his reward not a punishment. If he were sentenced to life in prison, he would have to suffer and remember the crime he committed over all that time.

In a developed society killing another is never right. Evil begets evil. Killing Amrozi will not bring back any of the victims. Others feel Amrozi may have useful information that he could provide that would be taken to the grave if he were executed.

Finally a Barbie you can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colours (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flush Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern government/business management practices, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living, impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than do the other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To: All Managers

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks

it up, and the following conversation ensues:

- "Hello?"

- "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

- "Yes."

- "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

- "What's the price?"

- "Only $1,500.00."

- "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

- "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

- "What price did he quote you?"

- "Only $60,000..."

- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

- "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

- "What?"

- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

- "How much are they asking?"

- "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

- "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

- "OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

- "Bye...I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women are their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings in the snow (+8)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings but return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night(0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something you pummel it with a six iron (+10)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something you pummel it with a six iron and it's her pet (-10)

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy named Tiffany (-4)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy named Tiffany and Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy named Tiffany and Tiffany has implants (-80)

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal (-5)

The pal is happily married (-4)

Or frighteningly single (-7)

And he drives a Mustang (-10)

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called DeathCop 3 (-3)

Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one, too." (-8000)

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-1) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

Communication: (When she wants to talk about a problem:)

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+1000)