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| Background voice: Welcome back, and thanks for tuning in! Please welcome back your excellent hosts ... Jamie and Jessie! (Crowd cheers) Jessie: Emphasis on EXCELLENT! Jamie: (Still mad) I guess... Jessie: Anyway, we're gonna be rating three other new releases: You've Got Mail, starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks; Titanic, starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio; and Titanic II. And now ... the next movie we'll be rating, starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, is … You've Got Mail ! Jamie: I do? Jessie: (Smacks Jamie upside the head) The movie, you dingbat! Jamie: Jerk! Jessie: (Rolls eyes) ANYWAY, You've Got Mail is the story of two computer geeks that meet over the internet. Later in the movie, Joe, played by Tom Hanks, doesn't realize the mistake he's made until he finds out that his internet-buddy Kathleen, played by Meg Ryan, is his not only his business rival at work, but also his super-annoying next-door neighbor. At the end of the film, he vows to never chat on AOL again. Jamie: This "peice of cake" has the cinematic equivalent of being locked up in a broom closet for several hours. This film is so boring, it's legendary. I have not the slightest idea what this movie's supposed to be about ... and I get the feeling that the movie doesn't either. Jessie: Here's a clip from You've Got Mail : (Clip from You've Got Mail plays) Kathleen: Anyhoo, welcome to my home! (Scrunches up nose like an animal) It’s so beautiful! YAY! (Lifts arms) (Joe notices the sweat stains under Kathleen's armpits, and makes a face like he wants to hurl) Joe: (Clears throat) Indeed it is! Is there ever a time when you’re not in a good mood? Kathleen: Nope! (Scrunches nose) 'Cause I am always HAPPY! (Lifts up arms) YAY! Joe: (Plugs nose) Ew, where is that onion smell coming from? (Waves hand like a fan) It's killing the plants! (Close on: Plants wilting) Kathleen: (Puts arms down) Oops, sorry! (Scrunches nose) That happens a lot. (Lifts arms again) YAY! Joe: I don’t mean to be rude, but why do you keep scrunching up your nose like that? Kathleen: (Scrunches nose) Why, what’s the matter? Don’t I look cute when I scrunch up my nose? (Scrunches nose again) I look like a little puppy dog! Ruff! (Giggles) Ruff! (Clip ends) Jessie: She's got issues. She can scare ANYONE away! Jamie: NOTHING in this movie makes any sense. All I got from watching this film is that someone gets mail, I think. It's like they just glued the scenes together in a random order. Throughout the whole movie, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan kept ARGUING! Even through their chats, they'd argue. It was so annoying after awhile. First it was serious, but then they tried to be funny. And it just didn't work. Jessie: My advice: Skip this total waste of time. Because we rate this one a big two thumbs down! And now, to our next movie, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, is … Titanic. Jamie: Did you know that James Cameron bribed to sweep the Acadamy Awards in 1998? Jessie: No, I didn't! It's no suprise, though. Let's take a look at the clip: (Clip from Titanic plays) Jack: (Freezing in the water holding Rose’s hand) R-rose? I want you to p-p-promise me ssssomething. I want you t-to promise me th-that you will nev-v-er let go of m-my hand! Rose: I won’t ever let go of your hand, Jack … ever! Jack: Well, at least you p-promised me, R-r-rose! Be-because I want you t-t-to know that I love you m-more than anyone else! … well, except f-for Cal. Rose: What d-d-did you j-just sssay, J-Jack? Jack: What, y-you didn’t know th-that I'm in l-l-love with y-your ex-fiancé? Rose: Bu-but Jack, that's impo-possible! Y-you don't ssswing that way, Jack -- I kn-know you don't! Jack: Ye-yes I do, Rose! Why else would I concoct th-this brilliant p-plan t-to make you leave him? T-to know h-he's sssafe on th-the boat is all that matters t-to me! And when h-he dies, he's going t-to be old and w-warm in his bed ... he's going to have lots of babies ... and he's going to live a wonderful life-- Rose: B-b-but what about m-me, Jack? Jack: You? Sssorry, Rose, b-but you're gonna die in a plane crash real sssoon. Rose: B-b-but I thought y-you loved me, Jack! Jack: Only t-to get to C-c-cal! Rose: (Sobbing) I sssaved myself f-for you! (Rose dunks his head under water) Jack: (Comes back up) Y-you c-can't k-kill me, Rose! Th-that's not part of th-the script! Rose: IT IS NOW! (Rose dunks his head underwater again) (Clip ends) Jessie: As I said before: Skip this total waste of time! Jamie: From what I heard recently, they’re almost finished with the new sequel, due this fall: Titanic, Jr. Jessie: Remember, viewers - it's a sequel. You KNOW it's gonna be retarded! Jamie: In Titanic, Jr., Rose discovers that she’s pregnant with Jack’s child. When the baby is born, she names him Titanic, Jr. Stupid name, I know! Jessie: After his birth, Rose begins to suspect that Titanic Jr. is an alien. So she calls up Mulder and Scully to investigate it. Jamie: Let's take a look at the clip: (Clip from Titanic, Jr. plays) Mulder: (Walks into hospital room) What did you find, Scully? Scully: (Looking at X-rays) I've never seen anything like this, Mulder. I took a look at these X-Rays of Titanic Jr., and the frontal lobe of his brain seems to be missing. I don't see how any of this is possible. Mulder: There's only one explanation for this, Scully. This baby was experimented on by aliens, which can only mean that an alien ship was nearby the Titanic. The ship must have crashed, and the aliens could possibly have been living on board the Titanic dressed as humans-- Scully: "Rebel aliens" again, Mulder? Mulder: Exactly. It's all making sense, Scully! And with all that Rose had told me about the father ... it can only mean that he was-- Scully: But Mulder, there HAS to be a rational, scientific explanation for this! Mulder: How is this any different from what you and I have ever encountered before, Scully? Scully: It's different, because I also found out that there are several homosexual tendencies running through Titanic Jr.'s bloodstream! Mulder: And ... ? Scully: Are you suggesting that there are GAY rebel aliens plotting to take over the world? Mulder: Well ... that sure would explain all the anal probing. (Clip ends) (Jamie and Jessie sit there silently) Jessie: Well, at least there’s no Jack! Jamie: From what I've heard recently, Chris Carter is sueing James Cameron for stealing his TV characters and putting them in his movie. Jessie: He didn't even ask him permission?! Jamie: Nope. Chris Carter also thinks that because his characters are in the film, that he should own the rights to it. Jessie: What a stupid fight! Jamie: Anyway, we think it's official now - BOTH Titanic movies have earned two MAJOR thumbs down! Jessie: Here, here! Jamie: Thanks for tuning in, and catch us next week for an all-new episode of Jamie & Jessie ! Jessie: Next week, we will be rating three other new releases: Hanging Up, Fear Dot Com, and Star Horrors, Episode II: Attack of the Hormones. Don't forget to tune in! Jamie: Goodnight, everyone! (Crowd cheers as Jamie and Jessie walk away) (CREDITS ROLL BY) |
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| DISCLAIMER: This page is not authorized by © FOX, © Warner Bros., © Paramount Pictures, or any of their entities. Everything relating to The X-Files is property of Chris Carter, © FOX, and © TenThirteen Productions. The characters and their names were original ideas created by Chris Carter, and belong to him. Also, we did not create (nor own) You've Got Mail (Property of © Warner Bros) or Titanic and its characters (Property of James Cameron, © 20th Century FOX and © Paramount Pictures) There was never a sequel for Titanic, and Kate Winslet never starred in a movie called Titanic, Jr. The term Acadamy Awards ® is a trademark of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Inc. We are NOT making any money off this skit / site, what-so-ever. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! NOTE: Once again, we're sorry if we bashed your favorite movie. But remember: We DON'T write our skits out of hate! |
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