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| (Intro: Theme music builds up in the backround) Narrator: In the times of ancient Gods ... warlords ... and kings ... in a land of turmoil, crying out for a hero ... (Camera shows Xena swirling in the air for about 30 seconds) Narrator: She was XENA! A mighty princess, forced into the rage of battle ... (Xena walks up a hill in slow motion carrying Gabrielle in her arms while the actors' names are shown) Xena: Aye-yeeee-yeeee-yeeee-YA! (Xena throws her chakrum at the enemies in defense. Xena forgets to catch it, so it hits her face too) Narrator: Her courage will change the world... (Xena stands on a beach and tries to make complicated moves with her sword. Then she drops it. She picks it back up and strikes her final pose) (Scene 1: Xena and Gabrielle are sleeping in the woods next to a campfire) (Eve creeps up from behind the bushes) Eve: (In sexy voice) Gabrielle... Xena: (Sits up in alarm) What do you mean by this? (Elbows Gabrielle) Gabrielle, wake up! Gabrielle: (In sleepy voice) What? (Sees Eve) Oh, um ... I told Eve that ... that I could ... uhh... Xena: Eve, what is the meaning of this?! Eve: Oh mother, I-- I-- I promised Gabrielle that she could come with me. She's better off that way! Xena: But you can't even fight! Gabrielle: Who said anything about fighting? (Eve kicks her) OW! Eve: She's coming with me anyway! Whether you like it or not! Xena: Find your OWN sidekick! She belongs to ME! Eve: Not for long, mother! (Music builds up) 'Cause she is mine, I tell you! MINE! Xena: We'll see about that ... aye-yeee-yeee-yeee-YA! (Xena and Eve fight over Gabrielle like two cats marking their territory. They screetch, swat, swing, headbump - and scratch! - at each other from several feet away) Gabrielle: WAIT! STOP! There has to be another way we can work this out! Xena: How could you do this to me, Gabrielle? After all that we've been through? Gabrielle: Why can't she come with us? Then you'll have two sidekicks - one for each arm! Eve: I never thought of it that way... Xena: But aren’t you forgetting something, Gabrielle? Eve is my daughter! Gabrielle: Your point? Xena: I never thought of it that way... (Scene two: The next morning - Eve, Xena and Gabrielle are eating breakfast) Xena: Eve ... I have a confession to make. Eve: Yes, mother? Xena: I'm sorry I got so angry last night. It's just that ... Gabrielle and I are soulmates. Eve: I know, mother. But you've got to share, too. I mean ... just look at her ... can you blame me? (Camera pawns on Gabrielle eating like a pig) Xena: Not at all. Eve: (Throws dishes behind bushes) Still, we must hurry for the battle! Xena: But why are we to fight a battle? Eve: I'm not sure, mother; they just want to fight. Another bad Xena script. Xena: (Stands up) Well I’ll show them! Eve: Who, the writers or the enemies? Xena: (Raises fists) Both of them! I'm gonna show them what messing with Xena is all about... (Scene three: On the battle grounds - Xena, Gabrielle and Eve go to war to challenge their enemies. They each fight at least 10 men at a time! During battle, Xena feels a sudden pain in her rear end) Xena: OH MY BUTT! (Xena clutches her rear and falls down; Eve and Gabrielle rush up to her) Eve: Oh mother … are you dying? Xena: I do not know, my child. Eve: Gabrielle, you take care of Xena. (Camera slowly zooms up on her face) I’ll take cover for you both in war... Gabrielle: (To Xena) I may not be able to carry it for you, Xena ... but I can carry you! (Gabrielle lifts up Xena with a struggle, and they both fall over) (THUD) Xena: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Scene 4: From the bushes, Gabrielle hears another ear-splitting scream. Still holding her staff, she hurries back to check on Xena) Gabrielle: Oh, Xena ... are you going to be alright? (Xena rips a huge one) Xena: Gabrielle ... I'm constipated. Gabrielle: (Cries) Oh, Xena! Xena: Gabrielle ... are you crying? Gabrielle: Only from the smell. (Wipes tears) But that's not the point. The point is, I'm going to be here for you no matter what, Xena! Xena: Thanks, but I'll be fine. I just have to keep on pushing… Gabrielle: Good idea, Xena! Take a deep woof, I know you can do it! Push! Push! Push! (Two hours later: Gabrielle runs back to the bushes) Gabrielle: Did you get it out yet, Xena? Xena: Gabrielle … I’m dying. Gabrielle: NO, don't die on me, Xena! (Sobs) I need you! I love you ... Xena? (Xena dies in Gabrielle’s arms) Gabrielle: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Backround music: It must have been love ... but it's over now... (Music fades off after chorus ends) (Scene 5: Xena appears to Gabrielle as a vision.) Xena: Gabrielle... Gabrielle: Xena… Xena: Gabrielle… Gabrielle: Xena… Xena: Gabrielle… Gabrielle: Gabrielle … uhh … oh. Eve: (Approaches them) Mother, you're alive! Xena: Actually, I’m not. But you must do me a favor... (Music builds up) I need you to go to the gods and tell them to bring me back! Eve: Whatever it takes, mother. (Camera slowly zooms up on her face) That's a promise! (Scene 6: Eve and Gabrielle make an unsuccesful journey trying to convince the gods. Out of desperation, they finally try to convince Ares) Ares: Let them in! (Guards practically throw Eve and Gabrielle into the temple) Eve: Ares ... if there was ever a time when we needed you ... it's now! Ares: (Rolls eyes) What do you want? Make it quick and get out! Eve: We need you to give Xena back to us! Gabrielle: Please, Ares? (Camera slowly zooms up on Ares as flames flare up behind him) Ares: MOOHAHAHAHAHAHA! … no. Gabrielle: But Ares, you must! We need Xena -- no -- we love Xena! Ares, you must understand! Ares: Oh, I understand, I understand … but I don’t think YOU understand! Gabrielle / Eve: What? Ares: (Raises fist) I'M the one that killed Xena! (Flames flare up) OW! Son of a-- Eve: (Gasps) How could you do this to her? Gabrielle: To US? Ares: Because I can - and I did! (Flames flare up) MOOHAHAHAHAHAHA! I've been waiting several years for this. And now, I have finally killed her ... COMPLETELY! Eve: You gave her a hemorroid? You couldn't think of a better death? Ares: (Lowers fist) She didn't die in battle? Gabrielle: No! Ares: Oh. I actually sent my forces to kill her ... I had nothing to do with the hemorroid. Gabrielle: Well, since it was all a misunderstanding ... you have to bring her back! Ares: No I don't. Eve: Please, we'll do anything! Gabrielle: As long as you promise to bring her back! Ares: All right, then. (Music builds up) I want to declare war! (Eve and Gabrielle exchange looks) Ares: I want a war that will go down in history as the greatest war ever - and 10 times greater than any record ever broken by Xena... (Rubs hands with glee) Eve: You have our ... permission? Gabrielle: Can we have her back now? Ares: (Shakes finger) No, no, no! To declare a war like that, I need Xena dead. She's always getting in the way! But now... I can complete my mission! Eve: That sucks! Gabrielle: Ares, I can't live without her, you know that! She's my SOULMATE! Eve: Wait a minute-- you can't live without her? You think I don't care about my own mother?! Gabrielle: I've known her longer! WE'RE CLOSER! Eve: (Music builds up) Over my dead body! (Gabrielle and Eve arm wrestle; The guards stand there and watch) Ares: Don't just stand there, you fools! DO SOMETHING! (The guards groan as they finally pry them apart) Ares: Enough! Now go away! Gabrielle: (Whacks Eve with her staff) Give Xena back, or I'll kill her! Eve: (Punches Gabrielle) Don't forget, I'm still Xena's daughter! Aye-yeeee-yeeee-yeeee-YA! (Ares sighs and uses his powers to pin them against a wall) Ares: ALL RIGHT! If you shut up, I'll do it! But under one condition - she will be weak and unable to fight. That way, I'LL be put in the spotlight! (Flames flare up) MOOAHAHAHAHAHA! Take THAT, Xena! HAHAHAHA! (Ares releases them from his power and they both run out of the temple) Eve: (Nose bleeding) Well, that was easier than I thought. Gabrielle: (Two black eyes) Tell me about it. I just hope Xena's gonna be alright. Eve: Look - I know that you two are soulmates, but remember - she's still my mother! You have to share! Gabrielle: (Sulks) Fine, but the same goes for you! Eve: We'll carry Xena together... (The final scene - Gabrielle and Eve are carrying Xena over a hill during sunset as two armies clash into battle in the valley below) Xena: Thank you for carrying me, I'm feeling inexplicably weak ... but do you both have to carry me? Eve: It's part of an agreement we made; I'll explain it later. Xena: Who's clutching my butt? Gabrielle: Oh, sorry. Xena: You're still doing it. Gabrielle: I know... Xena: So let me get this straight. Ares wanted you two to fight to the death... Eve: Exactly. Xena: ...but he had you stop at the last minute? Gabrielle: The bruises speak for themselves. Xena: By the way, when we reach our campsite, I'm gonna need a spongebath. Eve: Ew. Gabrielle: No problem! Xena: I only wish that I had the strength to stop Ares! Gabrielle: Don't worry, Xena. You'll always be our Warrior Princess. Eve: Let's leave it to Hercules! (They laugh as they walk into the sunset, where two more armies clash into battle) Ares: MOOHAHAHAHAHAHA! Background music: And in the end ... the love you take ... is equal to the love you make. (CREDITS ROLL BY) |
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| NOTE: We did not write this skit as a fanfic. It's a parody! To tell you the truth, we were mad at the show for ending so stupidly (in our opinion, anyway). This skit does NOT express how we actually wanted the show to end, so get that out of your heads. By the way, we do not use anything nasty in our skits either, so don't get the idea that our Xena parody should be avoided! |
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| DISCLAIMER: This page is not authorized by © WB or any of it's entities. Everything relating to Xena: Warrior Princess™ is property of Rob Tabert. All the characters are original ideas created by Rob Tabert, and belong to him only. We are not making any money off of this skit / site, what-so-ever. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! Caution all no-brainers: This was NEVER a real episode!!!! |
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