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| DISCLAIMERS: This skit / site is not authorized by © Sony, © Warner Bros, © Dimension Films, or © Troublemaker Studios, or any of their entities. We did not create (or own) Hanging Up™ and its characters (property of © Sony), or Fear dot com™ (property of © Warner Bros), and/or Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over™ (property of © Dimension Films and © Troublemaker Studios). Antonio Banderas never starred in a movie called Zorro II: The Chicken’s Tortilla, and we are NOT making any money off of this skit/site what-so-ever. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! NOTE: We’re still sorry if we bashed your favorite movie. But remember -- We don't write our skits out of hate, and we certainly don't mean to offend anyone. |
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| Background Host: Welcome back, and thanks for tuning in! Please welcome back your favorite hosts … Jamie and Jessie! (Crowd cheers as Jamie and Jessie walk in) Jessie: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Jamie: On tonight’s episode, we will be rating three more new releases: Hanging Up, starring Diane Keaton, Lisa Kudrow, and Meg Ryan; Fear dot com, starring Steven Dorff and Natascha McElhone; and Star Horrors, Episode II: Attack of the Hormones. After these ratings, we will be conducting an interview with Antonio Banderas on his new movie, Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. Jessie: Our first movie, starring Diane Keaton, Lisa Kudrow, and Meg Ryan is … Hanging Up ! Eve, played by Meg Ryan, is one of three sisters that are responsible for the care of their infirmed 97-year old father. Trouble is, Georgia and Maddy are too busy making prank calls to pitch in with their fair share of the father’s support. But that’s not what Eve’s concerned about—she’s mad because they never let her pitch in with their prank calls. So Eve comes up with a brilliant plan to make them accept her. Jamie: And the story has a happy ending. Even though the father dies because the three sisters ignored him, Georgia and Maddy finally learn to accept Eve for who she really is. At the end of the movie, all three of them are finally making prank calls together. Jessie: That’s so sweet! Let’s watch the clip: (Clip from Hanging Up plays) (Georgia and Maddy are prank-calling their dad, who’s sick in the hospital) Maddy: (Hands over cell-phone) Here, it’s your turn! (Lou – their father -- picks up the phone) Lou: (Coughs) What do you want? Georgia: If you hang up now… I will kill you. Lou: Whoever you are, STOP CALLING! Georgia: I’m watching you right now… Lou: STOP IT! Leave me alone! <Click; Dial tone> (Georgia and Maddy clap hands) <Eve’s footsteps approach> Georgia: Oh no, here comes trouble. <Eve walks up> Eve: What are you doing? Maddy: Oh, nothing … just bugging our cantankerous father again. (Snickers) Eve: Is that all you ever do? Does it ever occur to you fools that our father’s dying? Maddy: Well, you can always take care of him yourself. Eve: That’s not what I mean! Whenever you make your prank calls, you never involve me! You always hog the fun for yourselves! (Cries) Even when we were kids. Every Halloween, Dad would always take ME trick-or-treating while you guys stayed home and prank-called! That’s not fair! When are you guys ever going to involve me? Georgia: I’m sorry Eve, but … you’re just not worthy enough. Eve: Oh, [beep] you! (Georgia gasps) Eve: (To Maddy) And [beep] YOU! (Maddy gasps) Eve: One of these days, I am going to prove you both wrong. And you’ll be sorry! <Eve walks away> Maddy: Wow, she’s really upset. Maybe we should do something. Georgia: No, that’ll just make us look stupid. Maddy: Yeah, you’re probably right. (Clip ends) Jessie: If there is any movie you plan to watch anytime and anywhere, it should be this. It really makes you wonder if whether Georgia and Maddy will decide to prank-call with Eve or not. It also makes us think about how important prank calling as a family is. Not a waste of time or money at all! Jamie: For the most part, Hanging Up is just as average as any other chick flick. In simple terms, this movie is all sugar-- no substance. It’s cute, fluffy and instantly forgettable! This is a fast moving world, and there are better films out there than this. Jessie: BETTER?! This movie is great! I laughed so hard, I cried. The prank calls were SO funny! Jamie: I'm not saying that it’s the worst movie ever, or a “throw-popcorn-at-the-screen-it's-so-bad” kind of movie. It’s just that the shape and flow is SO predictable, you can predict its every move-- Jessie: I give it two thumbs up! Jamie: Whatever. Two thumbs up, then. (Frowns) ANYWAY, our next movie, starring Steven Dorff and Natascha McElhone, is … Fear dot com ! Jessie: In this movie, four bodies are found in New York City. The connection? They were looking at porn and God found out. So He moves the server for porn to His own website, named fear.com. They were all punished 48 hours after logging on. Jamie: Why, why, why? Let’s find out… (Clip from Fear dot com plays) (A bunch of kids are at school passing notes around) Kid reads note: “Wanna see a really killer website? Go to fear.com. (AOL Keyword: fear)” (Later that day: Kid rushes home and logs on) Kid: WOAH! (Stares at screen) SUH-WEET! (Outside the house: A huge cartoonish hand comes down from the sky and “strikes” the house) Kid: (Flies out of his chair) HWAH!!!! (Clip ends) Jessie: Want to see a really killer movie? RENT SOMETHING ELSE! The only torture in this movie is having to watch it! Jamie: Fear dot com is a huge insult to human intelligence. The "heroes" do such incredibly stupid things throughout the film that I found myself rooting for the other side. None of the characters in this film were apparently written with an IQ greater their shoe size. Jamie: To simply put it, this movie earned two thumbs down! I’d go lower if it was possible! Jessie: And now, to our last movie for tonight’s episode, Star Horrors, Episode II: Attack of the Hormones. I think the title speaks for itself. If not, the tagline will: “A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor THAT.” Jamie: Let’s take a look at the clip: (Clip from Star Horrors, Episode II: Attack of the Hormones plays) (Anakin Streetwalker and Pat-Me Amidala are standing in a line, awaiting their execution) Pat-Me: I think it’s about time for me to tell you how I feel. Ani: I thought your feelings were the last thing you wanted to worry about. Pat-Me: I think we’re both about to lose our lives, anyway. But before we do … I just want to let you know that I truly … honestly … and deeply … love you. Ani: LOVE?! That’s it? Pat-Me: What are you talking about? Isn’t that what you wanted all along? Ani: NO! I wanted to make love. I don’t WANT love! Every eight seconds, I think about it. And whenever I think about it, I think about you. And whenever I think about you, I can feel my hormones RAGING inside me … attacking, so to speak. Pat-Me: But Ani, you can’t make love unless you’re in love. Love is the most important part! Ani: All right, we’ll get to that later. But since we don't have much time left... (Ani leans forward, and they start kissing) Pat-Me: You know, it’s going to be difficult with all these chains wrapped around us… Ani: That’s the idea. (Clip ends) (Jamie & Jessie sit there and gag) Jessie: Okay, so it's better than Episode I. But how could it not be? Episode I was on the kiddy level ... this isn't. Still, it's FAR from great. Jamie: The special effects were outstanding! It made the film a true eye opener, and the action sequences were long. However, the script is agonizingly slow, and it nearly put us to sleep! Their “romance” is nauseating, and the acting was horrid. It's on the level of a bad Archie comic book. Jessie: And WHY did they bring back Jar Jar Binks? He's STILL annoying! Jamie: I think we’ve made our final decision: We give this movie two thumbs up – but ONLY for the special effects! Bring a headset for the rest. Jessie: And now, we’d like to— <Antonio Banderas swings into the room on a rope> (Crowd cheers) Antonio: Good evening. I am Antonio Banderas. Jamie: And welcome to Jamie & Jessie ! Antonio: I just came back from filming Zorro II: The Chicken’s Tortilla – dealing with precisely HOW they make those things ... and does the public really want to know? But that is not why I am here – I am here to tell you about my newest film, Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over – A story about a young girl who gets trapped in an evil virtual game designed by Sylvester Stallone. It is up to her brother to save not only his sister, but also the world. Rated PG for action sequences and peril. Jessie: Would you say that there is anything different or special about this film that made it better than the first two movies? Antonio: The 3-D is breathtaking, and very pleasing to the eyes. Spy Kids, all three movies, is my best work by FAR. Definitely fun for the kids … parents shouldn’t be TOO bored. Anyway, it was a great pleasure to be on your show. I must be on my way now; the director is still waiting for me on the set. <Antonio grabs the rope and swings away> Jamie: Antonio Banderas, everybody! (Crowd cheers) Jessie: Well, that’s about all we have for tonight’s episode! We thank you for tuning in, and have a great evening! Jamie: Goodnight, everyone! (Crowd cheers while Jamie and Jessie walk off-stage) Background Host: Jamie & Jessie is a Jamie & Jessie Production. Don't forget to catch us next week for an all-new episode of Jamie & Jessie ! (CREDITS ROLL BY) |
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