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| Background Host: Live backstage with the five most celebrated divas: Celine ... Gloria … Aretha … Shania … and Mariah. We now present … Backstage at The 1998 Divas Live Concert. <Mariah enters the room with Shania at her heels> Shania: I'm so ecstatic! I still have a hard time believin' I'm even here! This is so great! Mariah: Did you hear I'm nominated for a grammy? My dream is so close to coming true! Except for one problem... (They both look at eachother) Both: Celine! Shania: She's always gettin' in the way! Mariah: And with that Titanic song, I don't know how we're going to top her this time. Shania: I think it's 'bout time we do somethin'. I ain't puttin' up with 'er fer one more year! <Aretha enters the room> Aretha: Hey, y'all. Whatcha talkin' about? Both: (Growls) Celine! Shania: Her stupid Titanic song hit #1 this year, an' mine didn't! Mariah: That means the audience is going to cheer for her and "BOO" at us! Aretha: Oh please, don't worry 'bout it! Just give 'em all ya got, you'll be fine! But don't be startin' any conspiracy, 'cause I ain't gonna help ya out! Shania: But yer gonna have to, if ya wanna win the grammies... Aretha: (Thinks about it) I'm in! Mariah: So what are we going to do? Shania: I think we should talk 'er down. THAT way, she'll lose her confidence an' leave! The audience will think she's a flake-- Mariah: And the spotlight will be on US! Shania: Exactly. Aretha: OR, we could lock 'er up in here during th' show. It's faster, takes no effort, yet it has th' same effect. Mariah: Save that for Plan B. Aretha: Where is she, by the way? Shania: She's gittin' her make-up done. She'll be back any minute. Mariah: (Opens the door) No, she's coming back right now! Shania: Good. I'm gonna go git dressed. Aretha, what 'bout you? Aretha: I'm gonna go git my make-up done. Mariah, since you already finished, you jus' stay in here and act casual. When Celine comes back, talk 'er down! And tell Gloria 'bout it when she gits here. We gotta win those grammies! Mariah: (Picks up magazine) No problem... (Shania and Aretha leave the room) <Celine enters the room> Celine: Hi, sorry I took so long; the make-up took forevor. (Takes out a chinese take-out box) I'm starving! Mariah: Wait a minute -- we're about to go on stage ... and you didn't even eat yet? Celine: (Food in mouth) Femé la bouche! I'm still a better singer than you are! (Celine starts to choke on her food; she pounds her chest, and the food flies into Mariah's hair) Mariah: AHH! My hair, my hair! (Pulls it out) Ew, gross. (Mariah glares at Celine as she chows down food) Celine: Well, now that I'm finished eating... (Throws box away) All I have to do now, is sing! Mariah: Don't break the windows. (Sniggers) Celine: (Scoffs) What are you sniggering at? Is it because you cannot stand to hear the best singer in the world sing the best song with her best voice? Mariah: (Stops reading) First of all, best singer? You are one of those "singers" that isn't content to just sing. No, you have to engage in vocal gymnastics in every freakin' song, with the musical equivalent of falling up a flight of stairs! Second of all, best song? The first verse I can tolerate ... but then you start shouting your way through the rest of it. It's not a good song to begin with; with you and your allegedly "great voice" on top of it, it just melts away like the proverbial green icing in MacArthur Park. Celine: You're just jealous. Mariah: What? Celine: You heard me! You're jealous because I'm the best singer in the world! (Mariah ignores her) Celine: (Sighs) All right, I'm sorry. I really don't wanna fight before the show -- I'll lose my voice. (Sits down) Eh bien, would you like to warm up for the show by singing with me? Mariah: We're going to sing together in 5 minutes! Celine: For practice! I need to calm my nerves, anyway. Sil vous plait? Whatever you want to sing. Mariah: (Stands up) Fine, but lower your voice so I can hear myself better. (Clears throat; Sings) I’d give my-ee all ... to ha-ave -- Celine: (Tries finishing chorus, but wails it out) Just ooone more night with you-hoo! I’d risk my LI-HIFE to fee-eel — Mariah: (Stomps feet) STOP IT! YOU'RE RUINING IT! Celine: What now? Just because you're jealous doesn't mean you have to show it! Mariah: GAH! I can't believe I have to sing with you-- I'm so embarassed! Celine: The feeling is mutual. <Gloria enters the room> Gloria: Buenos dias! Mi Dios, I've missed you so much! Celine: Really? Gloria: No, not you! I'm talking to Mariah-- (Mariah whispers Operation Anti-Celine to Gloria) Celine: Gloria, would you like to sing with me? Gloria: Sorry, I'm not supposed to sing ... with you. Celine: Sil vous plait? Uh … with a banana on top? Gloria: Do you swear you will give me a banana? I'm starving! Mariah: Gloria-- Celine: Oui! Bien sur! Gloria: Only if you give it to me now, or you can forget it. Celine: Non probléme. (Digs through purse) (Celine takes out cell-phone, a tea bag, broken sunglasses, a shoe, and finally, a squashed banana) Celine: (Hands it over) Here you go! Now let's sing! (Gloria looks at the squashed banana with a grossed out face) Mariah: Wait a second-- if you think you’re the "best singer in the world", why do you keep insisting that other people sing with you? Celine: What are you talking about, you psycho?! Mariah: What I’m saying is, is that talented singers-- like me-- always sing alone. So thier excellent voices-- such as mine-- would be heard better. But since you're so backwards, that's how we all know that you lack confidence in yourself, because you know you can't sing. And you won't admit it, because ... you're stupid! Celine: If you hate singing with other people so much, then what are you even doing here? Mariah: Hello! You know I'd never ruin my figure! Besides, unlike you, I have fans that are counting on me to be here! Gloria: But Mariah, you sang a duet with Whitney Houston! Celine: Yeah, explain that one! Mariah: Uh ... it was for the money! Celine: You're such a hypocrite. (To Gloria) Shall we? Gloria: I'm singing first! Celine: Trés bien. Anything you wish! (Gloria clears her throat) <Aretha enters the room> Gloria: Muchos gracias, Maria! (Does cross thing across her chest) You saved me! (Hugs Aretha) Celine: Mon Dieu, what is it with you? We're all here so we can blend our voices together on stage, yet you refuse to sing with me backstage? Aretha: Um ... anyway, I came down 'ere t' check on y’all, see if y’all ready. Mariah: (Glares at Celine) Well at least WE are! Aretha: (To Celine) You still not ready yet? Celine: Mais non, I just need to practice! After all, I am the best singer in the world. Aretha: Oh, please! I sing a lot better than you do! Celine: Non, non, that's not true! Shania knows what I'm talking about! Aretha: Speakin' of Shania, has anyone seen 'er? Celine: Non. Aretha: I wasn't askin' you, Celine. Celine: Sorry. <Shania enters the room> Shania: Hey y'all, I jus' finished gettin' ready. So ... how ya like th' dress? (Everyone gives each other a look; Shania scoffs) Aretha: Anyway ... thur's somethin' we need to tell ya-- Mariah: Shania, tell Celine she's not the best singer in the world. Shania: Yer not th' best singer in the world. Celine: (Gasps) But you told me I was a winner! Shania: No, yer still a winner! Pretend thur’s an award show… Celine: Uh-huh… Shania: But it’s fer the worst singers in the world. Celine: WHAT?! Shania: Jus' hear me out! Anyway, y'look in the audience. Thur’s Hanson … thur’s Yoko Ono ... the Spice Girls ... and look, thur’s you! The announcer names the nominees. “And the winner is … Celine Dion!” Everyone applauses! Thur proud of you! You’ve won the golden trashcan! Celine: But I want a Grammy, not a trash can! I can care less about a stupid trash can! Shania: But it’s useful. A Grammy jus' sits there! Celine: Two years ago, I won a grammy! And this year, I will win it AGAIN! Not to mention that I've been nominated twice this year! Shania: Celine, we've ALL been nominated! That's why we're all here! Celine: Then how can I be the worst singer in the world? HUH? (The divas all look at eachother, speechless) Mariah: (Mutters) Do something! Celine: I knew it! I knew you were all jealous! Mariah: (Glares) Thanks a lot, Shania! Shania: What? Celine: This year, I will win BOTH Grammy's and prove you all wrong! Mariah: Oh no ... I'm losing my ego! (Mariah runs outside; audience cheers in the backround) <Mariah proudly walks back in> Mariah: Okay, I'm boosted up again. Anyway, let's get to the point-- Celine, we're ALL better singers than you. And since I'm nominated, that makes it impossible for you to win! Celine: But how does that make me "worst in the WHOLE WORLD"? Mariah: Hello! We ARE the world! Aretha: Y'know, if anyone's the best, it's ME! I won more Grammy's than ANY of ya put together, an' definately more than any of ya will ever win! VH1 voted ME the best female singer in history! Gloria: (Throws banana at Aretha) Here, you can have your banana back! (Pouts) Aretha: I didn't give that to you! Gloria: I'M going to win that grammy! I have style, and I'm the best of Cuba! Aretha: And ONLY in Cuba! Gloria: Aretha, your "glory days" are over! You stink now! Aretha: Oh, really? Then why'm I nominated? Gloria: Good question! Shania: That's it! (Stands up) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Mariah: Ironic, that's what I say every time you're on the radio! Shania: Speak fer yerself, you wailer! Gloria: Tell me about it! (Imitating Mariah) I can't LIIIIVE if living is without YOO-OOUU! Madré Maria! Badfinger's version was SO much better! Mariah: (Cries) I sure hope you're happy, Celine! This is all your stupid fault! Celine: WHAT? Why are you blaming ME? I didn't turn you against eachother! Gloria: Yes, you did! You made us doubt our talent! (Picks up banana) Sorry, Aretha. (Throws it at Celine) Celine: Mais non! You doubted my talent first! Everyone else: Did not! Celine: Did too! Everyone else: Did not! Celine: DID TOO! Aretha: C'mon, gals-- it's time fer Plan B! Celine: What's Plan B? Mariah: Saving ourselves from the humiliation of singing with you! Announcer: (From stage) Please welcome our five divas... Shania: (Gasps) I hear the announcer callin' our names! <They all push their way out, leaving Celine behind> Gloria: Lock the door behind you! Mariah: (To Celine) Au revoir! Celine: Tiens, wait a minute-- (SLAM!) Celine: (Scoffs) IDIOTS! (Door locks) Celine: That's it! They can't keep me in here! But thanks to my wonderful vocals: Weee’ll stay … for-EEEVER this waaaay! You are SAAAFE in my heart, AND ... (Pounds chest) ... My Heart wi-eeeell go OOON A-AND OOOOOOON!!!! (WINDOW SHATTERS) Celine: We'll see who's the best singer NOW! (Crawls out through shattered window) <Crowd cheers as Celine approaches the stage> Background Host: What happens after Plan B fails? Don't touch that dial! Backstage at the 1998 Divas Live Concert will be right back after this very brief commercial message... (TEN MINUTE LONG COMMERCIAL BREAK) |
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| Note: The terms Grammy® and "Grammies"® are trademarks owned by The National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences, Inc. The Divas Live Concert is property of VH1. |