North
of Union Station
Harm’s Apartment
2345 Local
He was holding her. They hadn’t spoken much after the initial breakthrough, just occasional whispers of reassurance from him while she cried. Now she was finally asleep. She lay against his chest, his cheek resting on her hair. There was a little catch in her breathing every once in a while, as if she was still crying.
He alternated between thanking God that she’d finally told him, and being angry at God for letting something so awful happen to her. Somehow, someway, he was going to get her through it. This time, he was going to be there for her. His heart literally hurt. His beautiful, feisty marine had been brutalized. His own tears welled up, but he choked them back, not wanting to wake her.
Carefully, gently, he slid an arm under her legs and stood up with her, carrying her. He wasn’t going to let her leave tonight, so there was no point in waking her. He carried her to the bed and laid her down, then spread a blanket over her after taking off her shoes.
Toeing off his own shoes, he lay down next to her, fully clothed. Then he just looked at her.
Her tear-stained face was pale, but achingly beautiful to him. One more time he’d cursed himself for never telling her how he felt…for allowing duty, friendship, and yes-fear-to interfere with what was the best relationship of his life. And now, he couldn’t tell her. Now was definitely not the time to rock the boat with declarations of love.
She’d finally talked to him, thank God, but what now? Tenderly he brushed the hair out of her face as he considered it.
First things first. She had to resign from their rape case. She was a great attorney, but he had to make her see that she was compromising their client. There was no way she could remain objective. And even if she could, the appearance of impropriety would be too great.
That is, of course, if she told the admiral. Deep in his heart, he knew he could never betray her confidence, no matter what the cost to his career. But surely he could make her see that the admiral needed to know, if only to keep her off similar type cases while she received counseling.
And that opened up a whole new can of worms. In order for her to receive counseling, she would have to put the rape on record. She would never agree to that. Well, she could receive counseling “off the record”, but she’d still have to tell the admiral.
His mind still churning, he finally fell into an exhausted sleep himself.
0620 Local
He woke to find her gazing at him, her soft brown eyes conveying an odd combination of wistfulness and apprehension that she hid immediately by looking away from him.
They were close together, facing each other, but not touching. Except for her hand, which he held in his. He was pleased to note that she didn’t pull away immediately, even if she did have a difficult time meeting his eyes.
“Good morning.” He kept his voice low, not wanting to break the intimate mood.
“Morning.” Stubbornly, she still didn’t look at him as she mumbled her response, obviously nervous.
“How about some coffee?” Keep things light, he told himself. Let her breathe.
She nodded silently, but he noted the easing of tension in her shoulders.
“Ok then, let me use the facilities. Then I’ve got an extra toothbrush you can use, help yourself to anything in the bathroom you need- shower, etc. I’ll be making breakfast.”
She started to speak then, “Harm…”
He cut the apology he knew was coming, laying a finger
on her lips. “I’ve got a policy. No apologies or any serious
discussions before coffee. Okay?” He breathed a sigh of relief
as she smiled at him.
He took care of business in the bathroom, then washed up and brushed
his teeth, laying out a new toothbrush for her to use. Then he went
back to the bedroom, grabbed 2 fresh shirts, one for him, and for her
which he laid on the bed next to her. “Try this if you want a
clean shirt, and the bathroom’s all yours.” Then he headed
for the kitchen without waiting for an answer.
As he set up the coffeemaker to brew, he called the office and left a message that they had a witness to interview and would be in later, then set about making a couple of omelets.
He was pouring the coffee when she came out, wearing his T-shirt and her jeans from the previous night. In spite of her hesitation, she looked better, more rested. Handing her a cup, he gestured to the table where breakfast waited. “Have a seat.”
She looked as if she wanted to argue, then acquiesced, sitting at the table. But she didn’t eat. Instead she sipped the coffee.
He didn’t eat either. “We need to talk, Mac, decide what we’re going to do.”
“What do you mean?” There was something in her tone that worried him, but he ignored it. He had a lot of things to discuss with her.
“I called the office and told them we’d be late, we were interviewing a client.”
“You did?” Her voice was decidedly stiffer now, but he pushed on, wanting to make his point.
“Yeah, I did. I wanted to talk before we went in.”
Her silence made him nervous, but he decided to continue anyway. “I want to talk to you about this case, I think you should ask the admiral to take you off it. It’s too hard for you, Mac. You know it.”
“And what would I tell the admiral?” The glint in her eye suggested he was treading in dangerous territory, but he couldn’t stop now. He had to make her see, to get things fixed. He took a deep breath and plunged in.
“The truth.” Before she could object, he rushed on, “Mac, he’s got to know. He can arrange for you to have a little time off, to get some counseling, and take the easy way for a while. You need to give yourself some time, and get some help.”
He broke off, suddenly aware that she was blazingly angry.
“I see.” The fury vibrated in her low voice. “And if I don’t want to do this? Will you tell the admiral?”
Unsure of his footing, he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t prepared for her anger, it struck him as coming out of left field.
She raised her voice. “So, you’ve got it all figured out, right? How to help poor Mac? You’re going to fix it, make everything okay? I just do what you say…be a good girl…and it will be all right?”
Pushing away from the table, she stood up. “This is why I didn’t tell you in the first place! You can’t fix it! And look, you’re already treating me like I don’t have a brain. Like I can’t make a decision on my own! Damn it, Harm, if I couldn’t face you knowing, how can I face the admiral? And everybody else? How am I going to maintain any type of command when all people will see is what you see? Poor Mac, she couldn’t protect herself!”
Angrily she paced back and forth in front of him. “Oh yes, the poor little victim! Or even worse, I had it coming! I can’t do that, Harm! I can’t surrender my life to this…this…rape! I’m a lieutenant colonel in the marines; I can’t have people looking at me like that! You know as well as I do that appearances…image is important.”
“Mac, please, I was only trying…”
Still furious, she cut him off. “I know, only trying to help! That’s the point! You didn’t even consider what I might want! YOU just decided what YOU think is best! You didn’t even consider that I might have an opinion, or discuss it with me. Well, I’ve got to do what I think is best, even if you don’t agree!”
It hit him then, what she was angry about. Control. She needed control. The rape was out of her control, and now she needed to maintain it desperately. And he had stepped all over that need. With the best of intentions, but still, he’d stepped on it. “I’m sorry.” For once in his life, he knew what to say to her to diffuse her anger.
She dropped back into her chair in shock, staring at him. “What?”
He smiled gently at her incredulous stare. “You’re right. I should have talked to you about it. I should have asked you what you wanted to do. I’m sorry.”
He’d taken the wind right out of her sails. Harm never apologized. “You…I…”
He answered her stutter. “Mac, you need to make the decisions about what happens from here. I understand that. Can we just discuss it? Without you assuming I’m making decisions for you? I promise to listen, if you will.”
“Okay, but I’m not telling anyone about this.” She was adamant on that point. “And I’m not dropping out of this case.” Crossing her arms, she glowered fiercely at him, not willing to bend on these points.
In spite of the fact her anger was directed at him, he was relieved to see it. Anything was better than that broken despair. “Just hear me out, please?” He wasn’t above pleading if it worked.
She gave a short nod, looking unconvinced.
“Whatever you decide, I’m with you.” He took a deep breath, desperate to convince her of his sincerity. “You’ve got to know that, up front. I lo-care about you,”-He looked her right in the eye, hoping she didn’t catch his slip- "and I’m not about to turn around and walk away. Got that?”
She softened then, and looked apologetic. “I know. And as hard as it was, I’m glad you know what happened.” Uncrossing her arms, she looked down as she continued. “I haven’t slept like that since it happened.”
He smiled at her, feeling like he was making another breakthrough. At least he’d helped a little. “Look Mac, try to see this as if it had happened to someone else…a client. Wouldn’t you advise them to get help?”
“But-”
“Wouldn’t you?” He was unyielding.
Looking mutinous, she nodded.
“And you’d be right.” He smiled to take the sting out of his words. “Because it is a traumatic experience, one that causes long-lasting pain. And I don’t want that for you, Mac. I want…need you to be happy and healthy. I’m looking for the future.”
Warily, she gazed at him, knowing instinctively what he meant even if she wasn’t willing to acknowledge it. “Harm…I can’t…I mean…”
One more time he cut her off, determined to get it out. “I know you can’t. But you will, in the future, if you get help.” He hesitated, then decided the hell with it. She needed to know how he felt. “We were moving towards something…something great. You know it, even if we didn’t say it. I don’t want to lose that, or you. Please Mac, get some counseling.”
He reached out and took her hand. “Do it for you first, Sarah, do it for me…us. Just do it.” The care in his blue eyes made tears come, but she blinked them back.
She looked down at his hand holding hers, and gripped back tightly. “Okay,” she whispered. “But I don’t know what will happen.” Fear compelled the next statement. “I’m not sure…I mean…I’m screwed up, Harm. I’m not good for anybody.”
His fierce response made her flinch a little. “Don’t say that. You’re too good for anybody, that’s all.” Seeing her flinch, he softened his tone, but not the intensity of his message. “That attitude is part of the reason you need to talk to someone, Mac. Just know I’m waiting, Sarah, as long as it takes.” Her gaze came up to meet his, her eyes wet with unshed tears.
Reluctant to break the tender moment, he nevertheless pushed through with his advantage. “Let me tell the admiral. You don’t have to discuss it with him.”
She pulled her hand away abruptly. “No.” It was a single, uncompromising syllable.
“I can tell him off the record. I have a plan. No one else has to know.” Somehow, he had to convince her.
“No.”
“Mac, he cares about you. He respects you, and he’ll help. You know it.” Surely she must be aware of that.
“He’ll think I can’t do my job.”
“He’s never thought that before, Mac, and he won’t think it now. He’ll understand that you’re under tremendous stress and give you a break, but he would never think less of you for it.”
“He’ll take me off this case! He’ll give me paperwork! Damn it, I can still do my job!” Adamant, she wasn’t backing down.
Hating himself for doing it, he was nonetheless forthright with her. “Can you honestly say that, Mac? What if we found out today that our client was guilty? Could you still defend him with everything you have in you?”
For a moment he though she was going to continue to argue, but her shoulders slumped in defeat. But she didn’t answer.
Once more he pressed his advantage, but softened it some. “Sweetheart, give yourself a break. You have nothing to prove, to me or to the admiral. You’ve already proved it a hundred times over.”
Shuddering, she choked back a sob. “I’m scared, Harm.” God, he hated it when she cried. “I’m scared if I let go of things, I won’t get them back. I won’t be me anymore.”
Abruptly he stood up and pulled her into his arms. “It’s
okay to be scared, like I said last night. But when you are, just hold
on to me. I won’t let you fall.”