Masterson
& Associates Clinic
Fairfax, VA
It was while he was chatting with Dr. Masterson that Harm saw Mac approaching. Walking slowly, head down, her shoulders slumped in exhaustion. She hadn’t seen him yet. Peripherally he was aware of someone behind her, but all his attention was on Mac.
Instantly on his feet, he started towards her only to be stopped by Dr. Masterson. Startled, he looked down at the hand on his arm. “Don’t startle her.” The older man kept his voice low. “Trust me; she’s going to need some space.”
Harm stared for a moment, considering the advice, then nodded and called out to her softly, “Mac?”
Her head came up and he could see the remains of tears on her face. She attempted a smile as she walked over to him. “I guess I should have known you’d be here.”
Despite her attempt at humor, he could see the turmoil in her. He started to reach out to her, but caught Dr. Masterson’s eye. The psychiatrist gave a tiny shake of his head, and although everything in him wanted to comfort her, he decided to follow the doctor’s advice. Smiling back at Mac, he answered, “I just thought I’d see if I could take you to dinner. You know, feed the bottomless pit.” Of course, she hadn’t been a bottomless pit in a long time- she was far too skinny.
An honest glint of humor shone in her eyes for a moment at his banter, before being swallowed up by exhaustion. “I don’t think…”
“You must be Commander Rabb.” The woman that had been following Mac spoke up, interrupting Mac’s refusal. “Sarah said you’d probably be here.” Her soft Southern voice was charming.
Beside him, Dr. Masterson chuckled. “Commander, I’d like you to meet my wife, Dr. Gloria Masterson.”
Courteous as always, Harm was prompt in his reply even when all his attention was focused on Mac. “Nice to meet you, Ma’am.” He dragged his eyes away from Mac to offer his hand.
Dr. Gloria Masterson was a perfect foil for her husband. A few inches shorter than Mac as well as several years older, she’d kept her figure. Silvery blonde hair in an elegant French twist and wearing a deep blue suit, she was an elegant sight. Her handshake was firm, and Harm liked her immediately.
“Please, call me Gloria. And this is Bill.” She gave a short laugh. “It’s just too confusing with two Dr. Mastersons around.”
Gallantly, Harm replied, “Then make it Harm, not Commander Rabb.”
Mac seemed to fade into the woodwork during this exchange. The lines of exhaustion were clear, and she was uncharacteristically silent.
Gloria turned to her with a gentle smile. “Sarah, I’ll see you again on Monday at 4, right?” She reached out to touch Mac’s shoulder, but didn’t seem surprised when Mac moved away.
Mac managed a nod, not meeting anyone’s eyes, and stepped toward the door. It was obvious all she wanted was to get out of this place. She didn’t acknowledge Bill at all.
Hurriedly Harm took his leave, trying to follow her. “Gloria, Bill, it was a pleasure to meet you both.”
“Harm.” It was Gloria that held him up. “Give her room. She’s in pain right now. Be there, but let her call the shots. You’ve got to trust her feelings on this.”
It was all Harm could do not to argue, but he didn’t have time. If he’d trusted Mac’s feelings on this subject Mac would never have told him anything. But he was going to lose Mac if he didn’t expedite his departure. “I will. Thank you.” He hurried out the door to catch Mac.
Mac was opening her car door when he caught up with her. “Hey, Mac. Slow down a minute.”
She ignored him and got in the car.
Managing to get there before she shut the door, he gave her his best puppy dog look. “I thought I’d take you to dinner. You know, a nice juicy steak.” His voice took on a pleading tone.
Her entire body tensed. “Harm, please.” Her voice broke on that last word. She leaned her head against the steering wheel. “I’m so tired. I can’t…”
“I just want to be sure you’re all right,” not knowing quite what to say. She’d been reaching out to him before, seeming to need him. Just this one session with the doctor seemed to have made her worse, not better.
“I’m fine.” Her standard answer, second only to ‘I’m a marine; I can take care of myself’. “I just need some time alone. Do I need permission for that?” The sharpness in her tone made him stop. This was about what she needed, not what he wanted.
Changing tactics mid-stride, he decided to listen to the advice the Mastersons had given him. “How about this? I’ll follow you home; stop to pick up some food. You don’t have to talk to me, or anything. Once you’ve eaten, I’ll fade away and go home. I promise.”
Finally she looked up at him. “Harm, I’m not good company right now. I’m angry and tired. I’ll just say things that are mean. Please, do yourself a favor and stay away from me.”
She was deadly serious; he could see it in her eyes. “I can handle you being mean, Mac. But I can’t handle staying away from you.” He could see the spark of anger in her eyes and tried to head her off. “We’re friends, right? Friends don’t run out when the going gets tough.” He did his best to sound reasonable.
Abruptly, too tired to fight about it, she gave in. “Fine. It’s your neck. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Shutting the door, she started the car, not waiting for him to get to his.
As he hurried to his SUV, he was starting to be glad he’d agreed to see Dr. Masterson himself. This was like walking a tightrope. And as much as he wanted to be there for her, he was aware that one slip could bring them both crashing down.
*****
Sarah Mackenzie’s apartment
Georgetown, VA
1700
She hadn’t eaten much of the Chinese food he had picked up. Nor had she spoken to him. At all. Not one single word. Not when he had showed up with a smile, his hands filled with cartons of food. She had just walked away from the open door, leaving him to come in and set up the food. And not when he had arranged the food on plates and announced that dinner was ready.
True to his word, he hadn’t made her talk, even though he’d wanted to. God how he’d wanted to make her talk. He had wanted to ask her about her session today, he had wanted to know what she was feeling and why. But as much as it killed him, he had been quiet. The silence and the tension had been deafening.
They were sitting at the table now. She was poking at the food with the chopsticks, a sullen expression on her pretty face. It was making him nervous, and irritating him as well. He was only trying to help, damn it.
He was just about to make a sarcastic remark when she suddenly threw the chopsticks down and burst into tears, covering her face with her hands. Shocked, he didn’t move. He just stared at her, infinitely glad he hadn’t opened his big mouth.
“God, Harm, I’m the biggest bitch alive.”
The humor of that statement caught him, and his nervousness and irritation disappeared. “Well, not the biggest, you’ll have to work for that title a little harder.” Laughing, he decided to tease her out of her doldrums.
A choked laugh escaped her, but she didn’t look at him. “Damn it, Harm, if you were smart, you’d just get away from me.”
Smiling, he flicked a piece of rice at her. “No one ever accused me of being smart.”
A fresh burst of tears greeted his humor. Getting out of his chair, he went around and crouched down next to her chair, taking her hand in his. “Mac, get it through your head, once and for all. I’m not leaving you to face this alone. You’re not going to drive me away.”
Turning those tear stained Bambi eyes on him at last, she melted his heart into a puddle. “You should, Harm. You should run far and fast.”
Tenderly he brushed some hair out of her face and wiped away a stray tear. “Ain’t gonna happen.”
Standing, he pulled her into a hug. “Whatever happens, Mac. We’re friends. I don’t pretend to know everything you’re going through, but I’m here for the duration. Got it?”
She nodded against his chest.
Feeling like he finally had a handle on things, he decided to push his luck. “Now earlier, I promised I’d fade away and go home. But I have a different suggestion. But it’s your choice, okay?”
She nodded again. God, he just wanted to hold her and keep her safe. “You said you need some time alone. Do you still feel that way?”
She
struggled with the decision, knowing she should send him away. She wasn’t
good for him, but she needed him near.
“It’s okay if you do, Mac. But I was going to say, why don’t
you just go and relax, take a bath, read, whatever you want. I’ll
just hang around out here for a while, till you go to sleep. Is that
okay?”
Please say yes, he begged silently.
Finally, one more time, she nodded.
Drawing away from him slowly, she paused. “I’m sorry. For everything.”
He pulled her in for another hug, and kissed the top of her head. “If you keep apologizing, you’ll never win the biggest bitch title.” He didn’t need an apology from her. “Go on, I’ll be around. Just yell if you need something.”
When she disappeared into the bedroom, Harm dropped onto the couch, tired. Again he thanked God that he was there with her. And he thanked God that he had agreed to talk with Dr. Masterson, because he was going to need help and advice.
*****
90 minutes later-
Mac entered the living room, feeling a little better after a steaming hot bubble bath.
She was not surprised to see Harm stretched out asleep on the sofa, a paperback on his chest. Retrieving a blanket and pillow from the bedroom, she pulled off his shoes and covered him with the blanket. Carefully lifting his head, she placed the pillow under it. Unable to stop herself, she placed a light kiss on his forehead. When she drew back, he was smiling in his sleep.
He loved her. He hadn’t said it, but she was sure of it now. He had gone to great lengths for her sake, far and away beyond what a friend would do, no matter what he said. He’d wait for her, as long as it takes. That simple statement pulled at her heart, bringing tears to her eyes as she looked at him.
She watched him for a moment, wondering why he would love her. Here was an incredibly handsome, smart man…who could have just about any woman he wanted.
Sighing, she just couldn’t see it. Hating herself right now, she felt unclean, and unworthy. One minute she’d be coping, and the next her feelings were zooming out of control. She reminded herself of Dr. Masterson words, “Sarah, it will be hard. But if you want it, you can be happy again. You can feel safe, and good, again. You’ll have to fight for it, but you can have it.”
Right now she wasn’t sure it was possible. But one little voice reminded her of something else. If Harm can see something good in you, you can’t be all bad.
Taking
one last loving look at him, she turned off the lights and made sure
the door was locked. Once in her bed, she decided to hang on to the
hope. Happiness was possible.