Sarah
Mackenzie’s Apartment
Thursday
2323 Local
Mac was stretched out on the couch, not quite asleep, but not quite awake either. For once she was not tossing and turning, miserably stressed. Clad in cozy flannel pajamas, she was relaxed, thinking over the past 24 hours.
She hadn’t realized how cathartic it would be. True, she hadn’t voluntarily told Harm, and had even been angry at him, but his knowing about it had helped. Well, not just his knowing, his unwavering support and tender care as well.
Pulling up the afghan under her chin, she snuggled down in the couch more. She should have trusted him from the beginning, but she just couldn’t. Thank God he’d been a true friend and seen through her façade. He was amazing.
She shied away from his hints of a future though; she wasn’t ready to even think about that. Part of her felt like she was…well…just not good enough. Not for him. Not for anybody really. Intellectually she knew that this feeling of being ‘unclean’ was a by-product of the rape, but knowing that didn’t make it any less real.
But she was so grateful for his friendship and support. He’d even broken the ice with the admiral for her.
The admiral. Another man she should have trusted. He’d gone out of his way to help her, keeping the whole incident confidential and reassuring her of his belief in her. Way beyond the call of duty. She was lucky. In fact, although she definitely wasn’t about to share it with anyone else, she was lucky in all her friends. Bud, Harriet, Sturgis…They’d all been there for her in one way or another.
Her biggest worry right now was the counseling Harm insisted upon. At his prodding, she’d called and made an appointment with Dr. Gloria Masterson, the psychiatrist the admiral had recommended. She hadn’t told her why she needed to talk to her, just made the appointment and hung up. She couldn’t get into it over the phone. She wasn’t sure she could get into it in person.
A knock at the door snapped her awake. She definitely wasn’t expecting company. Rising, she checked the peephole before opening the door. It was Harm.
Dressed in sweats, he had his hands in his pockets and looked a little nervous. “Hey.”
Opening the door wide, she gestured him in. “Hey yourself. Kinda late for a visit, isn’t it? Is something wrong?”
Stepping into her apartment looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable, he actually fidgeted as he answered her. “Well, no, not exactly. It’s just…” His voice faded away as he struggled for a coherent answer.
Concerned, she placed a hand on his arm. “Harm? What is it?” He didn’t answer immediately, so she pulled on the arm gently. “Come on, Flyboy, sit down. You want some coffee?”
He allowed himself to be led to the couch. “No thanks.” Pushing the pillow and afghan out of the way for him, she practically forced him into a seat.
Seating herself next to him, she gave him her full attention. “OK then, spit it out. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, really.” Shooting her a grin at her disbelieving look, he continued, “I just couldn’t sleep, so I went for a drive. I saw your light on, so I thought I’d stop in.”
She couldn’t help it. He was so transparent. Breaking into a smile, she answered him. “You really expect me to buy that line?”
Realizing he was caught, he gave in with an anxious chuckle. “All right. I was worried about you. Satisfied?”
Instead of getting angry as he expected, she was touched. “Harm, a phone call could have saved you a trip out here. I appreciate it, but I’m doing a lot better. Thanks to you.” She laid a hand on his arm again, reassuring him. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
Instead of relaxing, he became more troubled. “Yes, I do! Damn it, Mac, that shouldn’t have happened. If I’d been with you, it wouldn’t have.” He shut himself up abruptly, realizing he’d said too much.
Astonished, she stared at him. “Are you saying you feel responsible in some way?” She should have realized he’d feel that way, but she’d been so wrapped up in her own misery she hadn’t given any thought to his feelings.
He stood up and wandered over to the fireplace, rubbing the back of his neck. “No…yes…I don’t know what I feel. I’m just angry that it happened, and I…I…” Once again his voice faded away, then he finished the sentence softly. “I’m just angry. And I need to be sure you’re really okay.”
He dropped back into his seat on the couch and laid his head back. “I’m sorry, but a phone call wouldn’t have done it. I had to see for myself.”
Intuitively she realized that he had his own issues to deal with about the rape. “It’s not your fault, Harm.”
“I know that!” His head snapped up and he glared at her. The anger in his voice caused her to flinch, and he softened his voice. “I know that, but if I’d been there, it wouldn’t have happened. I could have killed the son of a bitch before he laid a hand on you!”
“Or he would have killed you first, and then the rest of us. There’s no use second guessing it, Harm.” She kept her voice calm. “I know you’re upset, but-”
“But nothing!” He cut her off, the anger growing. But he wrestled with it and got control. “I’m sorry, Mac. I’m sorry that this happened to you, that I couldn’t stop it.” To his disgust, his voice choked up. “I’m really sorry.”
“Oh, Harm.” Instead of trying to argue with him, she leaned over and hugged him. He clutched her to him like she was his lifeline. This time it was his tears on her shoulder, but she didn’t hold back. She cried with him.
After a few moments, his hold loosened and she felt him regain control. “Hey,” he whispered. “I’m supposed to be comforting you.”
She laughed softly through her tears. “How about we comfort each other?”
He didn’t answer, just tightened his grip on her, then let her go. He gave an embarrassed swipe at his eyes. “I guess I should go. It’s late, and you need your sleep.”
The haunted look in his eyes had lessened, but not gone away. If she let him go now, he still wouldn’t sleep. How well she knew that feeling. She tugged at his hand as she stood up, pulling him with her. “Why don’t you stay here tonight?”
“Are you sure?” His unsure look spoke volumes; he didn’t want to smother her.
She gave him a shy smile. “Last night, I slept better than I have since this all started.” Looking down, she went on. “I just thought…maybe…I mean…I’m not…”
She was stumbling around the subject, trying to clarify what she meant, but he understood immediately. “You don’t have to explain, Mac. I understand. And yes, I would sleep better here with you. Just for tonight. I really need to know you’re okay.”
“I will be. Thanks to you.” Shutting the lights out, she led him to the bedroom, where they lay down together. Despite the previous night, it was awkward there in the dark.
They didn’t touch, but were too aware of each other to sleep.
“Mac?” His whisper broke the silence.
“Yes?” Her answer was just as quiet.
“Can I hold your hand?”
She didn’t answer. Instead she slipped her hand in his, and they both fell asleep.
*****
Masterson
& Associates
Friday
1625 Local
The stately home on a wide avenue looked nothing like a clinic. For that he was exceptionally grateful. Mounds of snowy chrysanthemums interspersed with purple pansies lined the flagstone path to the front door. Lacy branches of white crape myrtle waved gently at eye level. It was a welcoming home, a home that embraced guests.
He thought about how much Mac would admire it as he crossed the wide verandah, pausing briefly before entering. He also thought about what Mac would say when she found out he was waiting for her. He figured he’d be better off inside, with witnesses, than if she discovered him skulking around outside.
The receptionist desk was empty, so he took a seat in the waiting area. Once again he was struck by how lovely everything was. Tall windows, a color scheme of muted blues and ivory, and many, many plants. A veritable forest. Someone here definitely had a green thumb. It was incredibly relaxing.
In spite of the beautiful room, he leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes. Mac was going to kill him.
She’d been incredibly sweet last night, and even in the morning. She’d made breakfast (sweet rolls and coffee- it figured), reassured him that she totally understood, then shooed him out the door so they could both get ready for work.
It wasn’t until she was getting ready to leave for her 1500 appointment that things started getting a little rough. She’d been nervous, he’d readily understood that. She kept checking her watch all afternoon, in spite of her internal clock.
It was when he offered to take her to the appointment that things started going down hill. Okay, so when she said no, she needed to do it herself, he should have backed off. Instead, he’d argued that she needed support; it was no problem for him, etc. He knew she was getting hot under the collar as he argued; he simply couldn’t seem to shut up.
It ended when she yelled at him. She needed to do things for herself. She needed to stand on her own two feet. She couldn’t have him bailing her out of everything, she was capable of going to a god damned appointment by herself- she didn’t need a nursemaid.
When he’d started to withdraw in offended silence, she’d apologized instantly. She hadn’t meant to yell, and she appreciated everything he’d done, but some things she was going to have to do on her own. It didn’t mean she didn’t care about him, or appreciate his friendship, but she needed to do this alone.
Deep inside he knew he needed to back off a little, give her breathing room, but something in him wouldn’t let him. Quite simply, he wanted to watch over her, protect her. Moreover, he didn’t want her out of his sight. He just worried about her when she was.
“Can I help you?”
Harm opened his eyes to see an older gentleman standing in front of him. The cultured Virginia accent fit perfectly with the silver haired man in front of him. He was the epitome of the southern gentleman, even to the three piece suit, complete with a gold watch chain.
“No, thank you, I’m just waiting for someone.”
“Miss Mackenzie?”
“Yes.” Harm didn’t want to be rude, but he certainly wasn’t going to discuss Mac with a stranger, even if he seemed to work here.
The gentleman smiled. “You must be Commander Rabb.”
Startled, Harm gave a nod. “How did you know?”
An easy laugh accompanied the answer. “Sarah said you’d probably be here. I’m Dr. Masterson. Sarah is in with my colleague, who also happens to be my wife.”
Embarrassed, Harm had the grace to smile. “I guess she knows me better than I thought.”
“Annoying, isn’t it?” They both laughed, Harm feeling more at ease.
“Commander, I may be out of line here, and if I am, please feel free to tell me so. But it occurs to me that you might have some difficulty dealing with Sarah’s…situation.”
Instantly wary, Harm asked, “Did she tell you that?”
“No, she only mentioned that you were feeling very protective and would probably be waiting for her. I’m reading between the lines. And I have some familiarity with the situation.” Dr. Masterson hesitated, then continued, “You see, several years ago, my wife was raped.”
Harm wasn’t sure what to say. ‘I’m sorry’ seemed so inadequate.
Before he could say anything, Dr. Masterson went on with a sad smile. “She’s uniquely qualified to help Sarah through this, to say the least.” Then he looked at Harm meaningfully. “I know the rage you must be feeling, and how you want to make sure she’s safe. All the time. I went through it myself.”
“I’m handling it.” He could feel himself becoming defensive.
Dr. Masterson just looked at him for a moment. Then, as if weighing his words carefully, he said, “You know, in order for you to help her, you have to be okay yourself. You need someone to vent to, and a way to let out what you’re feeling.”
His smile was self-deprecating. “Believe me, I know. My wife had to hand me my head on a platter before I realized it, but I know it now.” He became more serious. “She can’t be okay with you if she’s afraid you’re too angry about the rape. She’ll just feel guilty that she’s hurting you, and she’ll hide her emotions. It will all be more difficult than it already is.”
Mentally worn out, Harm rubbed his eyes. “Damn it. Why did this have to happen? To Sarah? It’s not fair.”
“No it’s not, Commander. It’s not, at all.”
There was a short silence, Harm struggling with his emotions when Dr. Masterson spoke up again. “I don’t need to drum up business, I assure you. But I think I can help, if you let me.”
Harm didn’t say anything at first, considering everything. More than anything he wanted to help Mac, but he was astute enough to recognize the truth in what Dr. Masterson was telling him. “I think I’ll take you up on that, Dr. Masterson.” He smiled suddenly, some of the weight lifting from his shoulders at the thought of help. “I don’t need Sarah handing me my head. She’s a Marine, she could literally do it.”
Dr. Masterson laughed at Harm’s joke. “Sarah’s next appointment is Monday at 4. Why don’t you come at the same time? We’ll talk more then.”
“I’ll have to check with my CO, but I think it will be fine.” Harm smiled his appreciation. “Thanks, Doc.”
“It
doesn’t seem like it now, Commander, but it really will be okay.
It will take time, and work from both of you. But happiness really is
possible.”