Sarah
Mackenzie’s Apartment
Georgetown, VA
2110 Local
The stage was set. At least, it was set as much as she could bring herself to set it up. A fire was blazing in the hearth, throwing flickering light throughout the living room. She’d lit a few candles to add a romantic glow. But she couldn’t make herself change into something sexy. It seemed…wrong, somehow. Artificial.
What about music? Would he want that? Something slow and sexy? Maybe Latino music. She shuffled through a few CD’s, then laid them aside, unable to decide.
The waiting was killing her. And she’d only been actually waiting for 5 minutes. She’d started out feeling confident, but as each minute ticked by, she became more and more nervous. Telling herself it was Harm wasn’t helping. In a way, that made her even more nervous.
It was Harm. The man she’d loved for years, yearned for, ached for. Oh God, what if she had a flashback? What if she just couldn’t? What if she froze? What if she didn’t please him? What if he didn’t enjoy it? What if she couldn’t feel anything? What if…”
A
knock at the door interrupted her self-torture. “Suck it up”,
she said to herself out loud and walked towards the door to open it.
Walking the plank must have caused similar feelings.
Sure it was Harm; she opened the door without checking the peephole.
And there he was. All six foot four inches of him. Looking handsome,
dashing…and anxious? Oh God, was he nervous? Maybe he’d
changed his mind! She wouldn’t blame him. After all, she wasn’t
exactly…
“Mac? Are you all right?” It was his voice that interrupted her panic this time.
“Um, yeah. Come on in.” Smiling uncertainly, she stepped aside to let him enter. “Sorry, I guess I’m a little nervous.”
He walked in and waited for her to lead the way. She just stood there for a moment, then started talking non-stop. “I guess we should get started. Do you want to sit in here with the fire for a moment, or go to the bedroom?” Looking down at her dress, she didn’t take a breath as she continued. “I didn’t change, I didn’t know if you wanted me to. I have nightgowns, of course, and some negligees. Oh! I didn’t make any coffee or anything, would you like something to drink, first?”
“Whoa! Mac…stop, relax.” He took her hand, hoping to calm her down. It was cold as ice. “This isn’t a job, honey, calm down. There’s no schedule to keep.”
She gave a choked laugh. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m a little nervous.” Anxiety made her repeat herself.
He’d been a little nervous himself on his way over, imagining himself doing all the wrong things to scare her. Realizing that he needed to project confidence and understanding, and that she needed to relax, he decided to slow things way down. Maybe even postpone things. “Why don’t we just sit down and talk?” At her hesitation, he continued, “It’s all right, Mac. We don’t have to rush into anything.”
Careful not to crowd her, he led her to the couch. “I’ll make us some tea, how about that? You just sit here and enjoy the fire, ok?”
She gave a nod and sat down, curling herself protectively into the corner of the couch. Smiling, he reached out and tapped her nose. “Relax. We’re friends before anything else, ok? And nothing’s going to change that, whatever happens here tonight.” He paused meaningfully. “Or doesn’t happen.”
As she waited for him to return from the kitchen, she stared into the fire, hoping to recall her earlier feelings of self-belief and poise from Benzinger’s.
This was Harm. More than anything she didn’t want to disappoint him. He’d been so good to her, he deserved better. She made a promise to herself. No matter what she felt tonight, she would please him. She was a marine, and she could control fear. Tonight would be for him.
Harm emerged from the kitchen, handed her a mug of tea, and sat down on the other end of the couch, giving her plenty of space. “You okay?”
Laughing a little, she nodded. “Sorry about that.” She paused for a moment, then continued in sultry tone, “Why are you sitting so far away?”
The sexy tone stirred him as it was meant to, but he couldn’t decipher the look in her eyes. There was still a tension in her, and he meant to make sure things were all right before proceeding any further. “Because I think we should talk.”
Carefully she set the mug down and scooted over close to him. Leaning close against him, she ran her fingers through his hair. “I think we’ve talked enough.”
As much as he wanted to believe her, something was off. He couldn’t put his finger on what exactly, but he meant to find out. She’d been so nervous before, he’d never seen her like that. Could she just snap out of it that easily and quickly?
Despite his good intentions, her nearness and touch were getting him hot. It had been a long time since he’d been with a woman, and this was Mac. The woman he’d spent years fighting his feelings for, having secret fantasies about her. She was making it difficult to think straight.
Still, he tried to initiate conversation. “Mac…” She cut him off by leaning over and kissing him. She was pressed against him, the warmth and curves of her intimately touching him. Her lips so soft against his. God, did he ever want her. In spite of his doubts, he deepened the kiss, tasting her.
Something wasn’t right, he could feel it. Pushing her away while he still could, he struggled to get the words out. It wasn’t easy. “Mac! We’ve got to talk.” Breathing hard as if he’d been running, he had to wrestle to get control.
Pulling away from him, she regarded him with a hurt expression. “I…I thought you wanted this…wanted me.” Her dark eyes reflected her embarrassment and shame. “I didn’t mean…I…I’m sorry.” Shoulders slumped in defeat, she turned away.
She shrugged off the gentle hand he placed on her shoulder. “Mac, it’s not that I don’t want you. I do, very much.” He gave a short laugh. “Very, very much.” He was still willing his body under control.
Turning back, she gave him a puzzled look. “Then why did you push me away?”
This time when he took her hand, she didn’t resist. “Because, honey, I have to be sure that you’re ready for this. As much as I want you, it’s not just about me. I want to be sure you really want me- that you’re really and truly ready.” His blue eyes stared intently at her. “I want you to enjoy it too.”
“I am ready-I do want you.” The honesty in his candid blue gaze undid her, and she looked down to avoid it. “I was, anyway. I just sort of…panicked.” Looking back at him, she hastened to explain. “I don’t know why…it wasn’t you. It was me. I just…” Helplessly she let her explanation die away. She didn’t know what to say.
“Then why didn’t you just say so? I would understand.” There was a gentle reproach in his voice that had her blushing, ashamed of her attempt at deception, however well-intentioned.
Once again it was hard to look at him. Her voice was forlorn when she answered. “Because, I’d already…started, back at Benzinger’s.” She tugged a little at her hand, but he didn’t let go. “And even if I couldn’t…if I didn’t…feel good…I could at least make you feel happy.”
She still didn’t look at him. Pulling her with him, he leaned back against the couch, holding her loosely in the circle of his arms. “Mac, I know you meant well. But I don’t want to make love with you if you’re not going to enjoy it. I’d much rather wait.”
Laying her head on his chest, she whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry, sweetheart.” He kissed the top of her head, then laid his cheek against her hair. “Just promise me you won’t do anything like it again. Be honest with me; tell me when you don’t feel good. I promise I’ll understand.” His arms tightened around her. “I love you. I want you to enjoy it, not feeling like you have to do something like that for me.”
She nodded against his chest. “I promise.”
He nuzzled against her hair for a moment, enjoying holding her. “Do you want me to go?” He didn’t want to leave her, but he would if that’s what she wanted. Even if they didn’t make love tonight, he still wanted to hold her, at least for a little while.
“Only if you want to.” She pressed up more closely against him. There was just something special when he held her. It hadn’t happened often, and she wanted to enjoy it while she could. There was love in his embrace, and she was starved for that.
“Let’s just move a little,” he whispered. With a few twists and turns, he was lying on the couch, his head propped up with a throw pillow. She was next to him, cuddled close in his arms, her head on his shoulder. “This is better, isn’t it?”
He could feel her smile and nod. “Yes.”
Quiet fell between them. The candles still lent a soft glow to the room, and the fire cast softly dancing lights. The warmth and tranquility was a balm to both their souls.
“Harm?” He barely heard her whisper.
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry about before.”
“Mac?”
“Yes?”
“Shut up about it, will you?”
He smiled when he heard her stifled giggle.
Only the occasional crackle from the fire disturbed the peace.
“Harm?” He barely heard her this time; he was almost asleep.
“Hmmm?”
“I
love you too, you know.”
Pulling her in even closer, he turned on his side, fitting her between
his body and the back of the couch. “I know.”
Snuggled up against him, she smiled.
The
quiet wasn’t disturbed again as they both fell asleep, content
at last.