Six months later-
On the way to Benzinger’s
Harm’s SUV
1930 Local

He was home. Finally. Gone for 2 weeks on an investigation on the Big E, he’d managed to get some flying time in. But home was home and definitely where his heart was. Or rather, home was wherever Mac was.

A quick change at his apartment, and he was on his way to Benzinger’s, where the JAG crew had gathered for an informal get together. No special reason, just to socialize. Since he wasn’t expected back until tomorrow, no one was expecting him.

As he drove, he thought about all that had happened in the last six months. It had been one of the most difficult periods of his entire life. In fact, sometimes it had been sheer hell. Mac’s emotions while dealing with counseling had been all over the place. There were times when she wouldn’t talk to him, times when she vented her rage, and times when all she could do was cry. In the beginning, there had been two entire weeks when she insisted he leave her entirely alone except for work-related discussions. That had been the worst by far.

It had started when she found out he was going to counseling himself. She had hit the roof. Her anger caught him entirely by surprise, although with the clarity of hindsight he should have realized what her reaction would be. Not thinking it really important, he’d neglected to mention it to her until his first session, which happened to coincide with hers. His appointment had coincided with hers, so he’d innocently suggested that they carpool.

Initially she hadn’t understood, thinking he only meant to accompany her. When he’d explained that he was attending a session of his own with Bill Masterson, he had been taken aback by the depth of her rage. At first he couldn’t understand it.

She had felt that he was intruding, taking a much bigger part of her problem on his shoulders than was proper or necessary. He wasn’t her husband or lover. It was not appropriate for him to become so involved. And, to add insult to injury, he was going to the same place she was.

He’d argued, at that point, that his relationship status with her didn’t matter. He was her friend, and he wanted to be there for her, to understand what she was going through. He honestly felt that counseling was a healthy thing for him to do. Her sarcastic rejoinder that he should have had his head examined earlier in his life had not helped an already tense situation. They had driven to their respective sessions in separate cars, quietly enraged with each other.

When he apprised Bill of the situation, Bill had been surprisingly on Mac’s side. He had apologized to Harm, saying that he had made assumptions about his relationship with Mac. It had taken Harm two full hours to explain his rather bizarre history with Mac, at the end of which Bill had agreed to continue with the sessions, with the stipulation that both Gloria and Mac agreed.

Rather insultingly, Mac had finally said she didn’t care one way or the other. Before she put on a mask of cold indifference she made some final comments. If he wanted to have his ‘head shrunk’, it was up to him. It had nothing to do with her and she wanted no part of it. As an aside, she added that she didn’t think it was possible to make his brain any smaller.

His next 2 sessions with Bill had been spent picking apart why Mac had reacted so poorly to the situation. Harm had finally understood that there were several reasons behind her anger.

First and foremost, he’d committed the cardinal sin of taking away control. He definitely should have discussed his intention with her, allowing her input. With the best of intentions, he’d agreed to something that affected her deeply without even acknowledging her opinion on the matter.

But secondly, on a deeper level, she felt guilty about it. In Mac’s mind, he shouldn’t have had to deal with her problems, especially not to the point of needing counseling. It was just too much for her to accept. If he was having problems, she had to lay the blame for that at her own door.

And thirdly, she was just plain afraid. Afraid to rely on him at all. He’d been truly hurt by this realization, but had been able to put it aside at Bill’s urging. Given Mac’s history, trusting anyone had always been an issue with her. This last incident had her doubting the entire male population. While Harm had no doubt that Mac trusted him with her life, trusting him with her emotions was an entirely different matter. And Harm had to admit to himself that his own history with her gave her reason to doubt him on this.

And fourthly, painfully, she was afraid that his involvement implied commitment. One she obviously wasn’t ready to make. Self esteem had never been her strong point, and the rape had certainly detracted from what little she had. She wasn’t good enough for him, not in her eyes. And she definitely wasn’t ready to even imply that she might ever be.

At Bill’s suggestion, he hadn’t pursued Mac or tried to reconcile with her. It had killed him to do it, but Mac had to decide on her own if she wanted to be friends with him. He couldn’t force her. Thank God it had only lasted 2 weeks.

She had showed up at his apartment on a Friday night. It had been raining, and she looked wet and bedraggled, as if she had been walking out in the storm. She didn’t say anything at first, and didn’t come in, just stood looking at him with those big brown eyes full of unshed tears. Hesitantly, he had held out a hand, and then she was in his arms, crying and apologizing. It had taken him a full thirty minutes to calm her down.

Since that night, she hadn’t really shut him out. Not like that. There were times when she was withdrawn and uncommunicative, but he just gave her the space she needed. As Bill kept reiterating, all he could do was be there. It was her struggle, and she had to deal with it the best way she could.

His sessions with Bill Masterson had been a Godsend. Not only had they given him an objective viewpoint about Mac, they had allowed him to deal with his own anger. And his own guilt. In fact, just discussing his life with Bill had given him a lot of insight into his own actions throughout his life.

If the last six months had been the worst, conversely they had also been the best. Once that initial struggle had been resolved, they became closer, closer than they’d ever been. For all the times she wouldn’t talk, there were other times when she spoke more deeply and freely than she ever had before. And he had responded in kind, for once in his life not holding anything back. Surprisingly, it had been remarkably freeing. As a result, the bond they had always shared was stronger than ever.

They had even discussed past relationships, more specifically Mic and Renee. The revelation from Mac that she had not loved Mic with her whole heart did not come as a surprise, but it was a relief to hear it. When he had revealed that Renee had never been a candidate for a wife, Mac displayed a similar relief, albeit silently.

He had been careful to avoid mentioning his feelings for her, or any kind of future for them together. There was no place for that kind of discussion yet.

Although his relationship with Mac was the most intimate he had ever had, they had not, of course, explored their relationship in a sexual sense. It wasn’t that he didn’t want her, it was just common sense. Mac’s traumatic experience had left her with a deep wound, one that would require careful healing before that subject could even be broached.

After his first session with Bill, it had become obvious to him that if Mac were to trust him completely, certain things had to be faced, up front. If there was even a shadow of a doubt in Mac’s mind as to his intentions, she’d be on guard with him constantly.

So, once they were speaking again, he’d gathered his courage and talked to her. It had been tricky. And embarrassing. He and Mac had never really discussed their relationship. Definitely more than friends, they had never ventured into the territory of lovers, although they had danced along the edge. Something he still castigated himself for. Coaxing her into discussing her feelings toward sex had not been easy, but he’d persevered. He was not surprised when she revealed that she couldn’t even imagine having sex again. Fear of flashbacks, a general feeling of being ‘dirty’ and unworthy, and not wanting to be touched were classic symptoms, according to Bill.

Delicately, he tried to broach the subject of “them” as a couple. He felt like an idiot stumbling around the subject, but he managed to make his feelings clear to her. Red-faced, he’d attempted to answer her unasked questions. Yes, he found her very attractive, and no, her experience had not ‘diminished’ her in any way to him. But he knew there could be nothing sexual between them right now. She was not to worry that he would make a move on her, or be anything except the friend she needed right now. When she felt comfortable enough…when she was ready…they could talk about being more to each other.

It had been hard for her too, he could see that. She tried her best to tell him not to wait, that she was never going to be ‘good enough’, whatever that meant. He was free to go to anyone, she would not take it as rejection, she would understand. He had needs and wants, and was free to act on them. It was enough for her to be friends, that was what she needed and wanted from him.

All the while, as she explained, he watched her eyes. Always expressive, they now held a deep heartfelt anguish at what she thought she could never have. A normal life. A life with a husband, 2.5 kids, white picket fence and the shaggy dog. A life with him.

Thanks to Bill, he’d been emotionally prepared for her feelings. Instead of arguing, he’d merely held her, saying they would wait and see. Whatever the future held, he was her friend. And she could trust him.

He loved her, of course, more than he had ever loved any woman. He hadn’t told her, but she must know. And he believed that she loved him too. Every once in a while, he’d caught her staring at him, a soft and tender light in her eyes. It had been happening more and more lately, and he was glad to see it.

Professionally, Mac was definitely back in the swing of things. About a month after counseling began, the Admiral had put Mac back in the courtroom. He’d started her out with easy cases, but it hadn’t been long before she’d moved up to the top cases again. The objectivity and deadly calm that served her so well was back. And lately, flashes of humor, and temper, had begun to show up again.

He laughed to himself. The day before he had left for the Big E, he’d pulled one of those ‘last minute witness’ surprises that she hated. His client had been exonerated, and Mac had been furious with him. Not because of the loss, which she’d actually expected, but because he “insisted on melodramatic tactics that belonged on a soap opera, not in a courtroom.”

And so he stood there as she chewed him out, enjoying every second, not even attempting to defend himself. Her eyes snapping with irritation, she’d finally asked him what the hell was so funny. He couldn’t help it. He’d just grinned at her, blissfully happy, and said he was just glad she was back.

Instead of retreating into her shell, she’d poked him in the chest. “You won’t be happy long, jerk.” Then she’d given him one of those too rare, beautiful ‘Mac’ smiles and sauntered off.

As he pulled into the parking lot at Benzinger’s, hope filled him. Somehow, sometime, they were going to get it right. Even if it took years, he would wait for her.

Getting out of the car, he pushed the button on the remote key lock and headed towards the entrance, anxious to see her.

But some little part of him believed…hoped…it wouldn’t take that long.

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