The office was quiet, only a few people were in. Mac poured herself a cup of coffee and then stared reflectively into it. Its murky black liquid seemed to mirror her state of mind.

Last night after Harm hung up she had cried herself to sleep. Then mind-numbing exhaustion must have kicked in, because she actually slept until 0400. Unfortunately, she didn’t feel any more rested than she had the previous evening. The depression was still there, broken only by occasional flashes of rage. Crying hadn’t helped anything, at least not that she could see. In fact, it only seemed to have made her wearier.

She managed to drag herself out of bed, shower and get dressed for work. No energy for a run this morning, and the thought of food had actually made her nauseous. Thank god for coffee.

This was her fourth cup this morning, and the caffeine was finally kicking in. She finally had enough energy to tackle some of the paperwork stacked up on her desk. Whenever she let her attention slide away from it for a day, it quickly grew. Longer than a day and it was a landslide she had to scramble to keep up with. She was just barely keeping her head above the flood level.

“How are you this morning, Colonel?” The Admiral’s voice broke into her reverie.

She jumped, fumbling with the coffee, but was unable to catch the mug as it fell. She smothered a “damn it” as the mug hit the edge of the counter, shattering, and spilling coffee everywhere. By some miracle, it missed her uniform for the most part, but did soak her shoes.

“Fine, sir,” she replied with a sigh as she ruefully surveyed the mess.

AJ shot her an apologetic smile as he handed her the paper towels. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s my own fault, sir. I should have been paying more attention.” Carefully, she picked up the bigger pieces of broken mug and tossed them into the garbage. She spread paper towels around to sop up the worst of the coffee and then wiped her shoes and stockings down.

AJ watched as she cleaned up the mess, noting her wan features and tired demeanor. She sure as hell didn’t look ‘fine’. And had she lost weight? He considered making another attempt to get her to open up, but rejected it. Rabb would be back today, and hopefully he’d talk to her. In fact, he’d just make sure they had a reason to talk.

“Commander Rabb should be here this afternoon, and I have a new case for the two of you. Stop by my office this morning and pick up the file. You can brief him.”

“Yes sir.” She noted his scrutiny, but ignored it.

“And Colonel?” Something in him wouldn’t let him just drop it. She just looked so….stressed.

“Yes sir?”

“If you need some time, I can assign this case to someone else.” He knew she wouldn’t take him up on the offer, but he needed to give her the option.

“Thank you, sir, but I’m fine.” It was nothing less than he expected, but he was still disappointed.

“Carry on then, Colonel. I’ll expect you in my office later.”

“Aye sir.”

0936 Local
Mac’s Office

“Colonel?”

With a gasp she swung around from staring out the window trancelike to face a hesitant Bud. For a moment she stared at him as if she had no idea who he was.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, ma’am. If you’d like me to come back later…” Bud’s voice trailed away in the face of her startled reaction.

“No, that’s okay, Bud. What can I do for you?” She forced a smile.

“Well, nothing really, ma’am. I was just wondering how you’re doing.” He paused, obviously fumbling for the right words. “I mean, this has been a tough week for you, and I…well…” Again he faded away, not wanting to irritate her, but wanting her to know he cared.

“I’m fine, Bud, really. I appreciate everything you did for me, but I’m fine.” Again she compelled herself to smile convincingly. “Honestly.”

He looked at her doubtfully, but didn’t push it. “I’m glad, ma’am. But both Harriet and I want you to know if you need anything, we’re here for you.”

For some reason Bud’s honest concern annoyed her, but she stifled that feeling quickly. Bud was a good friend. She couldn’t take her ill temper out on him. Besides, it would feel like she was kicking a puppy if she yelled at him. “Thank you, Bud. If I need anything, you and Harriet will be the first people I call.”

The smile on his face at her acknowledgement made her effort worthwhile. “Thank you ma’am. I’ll get out of your hair now.” And with a last smile, he left.

She dropped her head into her hands, wishing that the earth would swallow her up. First the Admiral, then Jen had dropped by to see if she ‘needed anything’; Harriet had been hovering all week in spite of the fact that Mac had been downright mean upon occasion, and now Bud. Who was next?

The answer to that came quickly with a knock on her door. “Mac?”

Sturgis stood in the doorway, his calm gaze quietly appraising.

Even as she began the ritual smile, she cursed herself for asking that question. “Hey Sturgis.”

“How are things?”

“Things are fine. Did you need something?” ‘Please God, let him just say no and go away.’

“Not really. I was just concerned about you.”

She stifled the urge to scream. “Thanks, Sturgis, but I’m fine.” ‘If I have to say that again I’m going to kick someone’s six.’

There was a short pause as she waited for his next question.

His dark eyes flicked over her, but still he said nothing.

She finally caved a little under his silent scrutiny. “OK, so I’m tired and grouchy. But I really am all right.”

Clearly wanting to respect her boundaries, Sturgis gave a small smile at her honesty. “Just so you know, Mac, people around here care about you.”

The irritation that had been building within her vanished. Sturgis was right. She gave him a shame-faced look and nodded. “I know, it’s just…everyone is walking on eggshells around me and asking me how I am. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t mean to be snappy…”

“Well, maybe if you really were ‘fine’, people wouldn’t ask you so much. You look tired and stressed, and no one has seen you eat anything.”

“Hold up, doc.” She cut him off. “I really am all right. It’s been stressful, but I’ll get through it. I promise.” Mentally she crossed her fingers, wincing internally at the lie. She’d actually been lying to her friends for a while, but this was the first time it had hit home so hard.

His gaze told her he recognized the lie, but would bow to her wishes. “All right then. But if you need anything…” He started backing out of her office.

“I know who to call.” She tossed him a casual salute as he left, closing the door behind him.

Once more she dropped her head onto her hands, feeling torn.

Sturgis was right, people cared about her. Her friends here had gotten her through some tough times, and she loved them for it. They were family, the only real family she had ever known. It wasn’t fair. Correction. She wasn’t being fair. If she wasn’t honest with her friends, she damn sure better be honest with herself.

But she couldn’t tell them everything. There was no way. Maybe if she’d said something when it happened…maybe if everything that she was wasn’t tied up in presenting a touch ‘Marine’ image to the world…maybe if it had never happened to her before…maybe if life would just once give her some kind of break…

Tears welled up, but she choked them down. Crying didn’t help and she despised self pity. There was only one thing to do. Suck it up. She’d gotten through bad times before, and she’d get through this. All it took was time, and being tough.

Unbidden, a thought came into her mind. There was one way to forget, even if it was only for a while. There was one thing that could make her forget, or at least not care.

A drink.

Firmly she clamped down on that thought before it was even finished. Don’t even go there. She had climbed out of that hole once before, and had no desire to fall back into it. The hole she was in was already deep enough.

Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and picked up the file the Admiral had given her earlier. She’d have to brief Harm on it, and it would be a good thing to talk about tonight. She could use it to stave off any personal questions on his agenda.

She bent her head to the task.

1545 Local

She’d managed to keep it together the rest of the day by firmly keeping her mind on her work. No thinking about anything, not even Harm or the evening with him looming on the horizon. It must have worked well, because her friends seemed to have laid off. There were no more “Are you all right?” and “How are you?” questions, thank god. And the Admiral had gotten called over to the SecNav’s office, so he wasn’t making any inquiries either.

The phone rang, breaking her concentration. “Mackenzie.”

“Hey Mac. It’s me.” Harm’s normally cheerful voice sounded a little forlorn.

“Hi.” For once, Mac didn’t know what to say to him. She’d been subliminally dreading going to dinner with him all day, and now she was tongue-tied.

“Ummm…listen…about tonight…” His voice drew it out, it sounded like he was going to cancel. Her heart gave a lurch; she just wasn’t sure if it was disappointment or relief that caused it.

“Yes?”

“Well, I got tied up here and won’t be back till Sunday. Can I have a rain-check till then?” He sounded so apologetic that she almost smiled.

“Of course, Harm. Case giving you problems?” Actually, she was relieved. Two extra days to get it together before she faced him.

“Yeah. I need to interview 3 more people, so I’ll miss my ride out tomorrow. I’m really sorry, Mac.” And the hell of it was, he did sound sorry. “I really wanted to see you.”

“It’s okay, really. Just call when you can, the Admiral wants me to brief you on a new case.” She kept her tone brisk, but professionally friendly. He might as well get used to the change from now on. She had to put some distance between them, no matter how hard it was.

“Uh…well…can we still do dinner on Sunday?” He was obviously puzzled by her tone, and she didn’t blame him. Of late, they’d been very close. It was unlike her to be so ‘official’ when this was just a personal call.

“Why don’t you wait and see when you get back? Just call, and we’ll work it out.” Despite her intentions, she couldn’t just cut him off without any kind of explanation. This was going to be hard.

Satisfied for the moment, he agreed. “OK, I’ll call you Sunday.” She could hear the hesitation in his next question. “How are you, Mac?”

She managed a laugh. “I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. Take care, okay? See you on Sunday.”

As she hung up the phone the relief that she had felt dropped away. In its place came despair. Yes, she had 2 more days to get herself together before facing Harm, but what was she going to do with them?

The weekend stretched out before her interminably.

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