Admiral AJ Chegwidden exited his office to get some coffee. He was in an expansive mood this morning. The SecNav was on vacation for 2 weeks, he had finished up the budget request early, and Meredith wasn’t cooking dinner tonight. All in all, the day was looking good.

His good cheer and his trek to the break room was interrupted by a loud “God damn it!” from Colonel Mackenzie’s office. This was followed almost immediately by the sound of a muffled crash. All activity in the bullpen ceased as personnel looked apprehensively at Mac’s office.

AJ noted the apparent reluctance of anyone to approach as he made his way to her door. He had not spoken with Mac alone since Monday morning when she had briefed him on the events of Friday night. At the time, he was aware that her demeanor was strained, but her obvious disinclination to discuss Friday’s incident, much less take any time off, had made him draw back. He respected her, and didn’t want to push. She’d handle it in her own way. She always did.

Still, he’d been worried about her. As he neared her office, he wondered if he’d made the right decision. He always had a finger on the pulse of his office, and he was well aware that Mac had been short-tempered all week, alternating between a cool professional attitude and an uncharacteristic crankiness.

He stopped at her door, shocked at the sight before him. Mac was sitting at her desk, her hands over her face, struggling not to cry.

“Colonel?”

The sound of his voice brought her to her feet instantly. “Yes sir?” A quick swipe at her eyes was her only concession to tears now. That cool professional attitude was snapped into place.

The stapler was on the floor where it had bounced off the wall. Looking at it to give himself a chance to think, he asked, “Is there a problem here?”

She flushed and looked embarrassed for a moment. “Uh, sorry sir. I guess I lost my temper.”

Returning his gaze to her, he noted the circles under her eyes and ashen face. “Mac, are you all right?” The soft tone seemed to stiffen her spine even more.

“I’m fine sir.” That, of course, was the answer he expected.

He sighed inwardly. Obviously, she wasn’t willing to open up, but he was going to try anyway. Rabb would back tomorrow, but he didn’t want to wait that long. If he couldn’t help her, surely Rabb would be able to.

“Have a seat, Mac.” He waited until she seated herself at her desk before sitting down himself. He would have preferred his office for its home court advantage, but maybe the security of being in her own office would help.

Gathering his thoughts, he decided to cut right to the heart of the matter. He’d never been one for pussyfooting around. “I’ve been where you are, Mac. It’s never easy, no matter why you had to do it.”

Wide-eyed, she stared at him. “Sir?”

He caught the tremble in her hands, but she quickly put them together to still them. Patiently he answered her. “I’ve had to kill people.” Even now, after so many years, there were occasional nightmares about Vietnam.

For one moment she seemed to slump, and he thought he’d broken through. But in the next second her shoulders straightened and she recovered.

“I know, sir. I’ve been having…problems, but I’ll get past it. I can deal with it.”

He appraised her stoic demeanor and silently admitted defeat. There was no sign of a crack in the armor. He couldn’t force her to talk, no matter how much he wanted to. At best, he could order her to counseling, but it could have ramifications on her career. Hopefully Rabb will have better luck. With a sigh, he gave up, with one last caveat.

“Okay, Mac, but take the rest of the day off.” He cut off her immediate protest. “That’s an order, Colonel. Get some rest; you look like you could use it.”

Resigned, she gave in to that. “Yes sir, thank you.”

He got up to leave, but paused at the door. “Mac, if you need anything…” He let the sentence trail away, almost embarrassed.

She surprised him by giving him a genuine smile. It was a small one, but it was a start. “Thank you, sir, for everything.”

He nodded and closed the door as he left. That smile had given him hope, but he wasn’t fooled into thinking she was all right. Maybe Meredith would have some insight that would help.

With the close of the door Mac dropped her head into her hands, propping her elbows on the desk. If she could just hold out for a few more minutes, she could get home and collapse. The tears welled, but she choked them back. “I can get through this, I’m a marine.”

Ever since she had joined up, that mantra had gotten her through some tough times. Boot camp, OCS, law school, Bosnia…the list went on and on. It had worked (sort of) through Dalton’s murder and her subsequent stalking, and through the whole Ragle mess.

Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be working now. She took a deep breath and repeated it again, fortifying herself for…whatever was to come.

Sarah Mackenzie’s Apartment
Georgetown
2330 Local

Once she left JAG, the day had loomed before her, frightening in its emptiness. She needed to be busy, to keep herself occupied. Having nothing to do only left room for thoughts best kept at bay. It had not been easy, but she’d managed to keep busy all day.

First she went for a 15 mile run. Usually a run meant time for introspection, a time for planning. But she discovered if she pushed herself - running harder and faster - that the struggle to keep up the pace and physical discomfort kept her from thinking.

A workout was next on the agenda. A stop at the gym was therapeutic. The hypnotic rhythm of heaving weights around as long as her strength held out was mesmerizing, requiring no thought whatsoever. And the boxing, even if it was sparring with a bag, released pent up emotion better than any “talk” could. It was cathartic.

By the time she got home it was early evening, and she was exhausted. Cleaning out her refrigerator occupied another hour. A scrub down of the bathrooms and kitchen, a quick vacuum and dust around the rest of the apartment and she could barely move.

She didn’t eat. In fact, she hadn’t eaten much since Friday. It was not that she was nauseous; it was that food just didn’t appeal to her. She had no appetite (an irony she was sure Harm would enjoy in other circumstances) and subsisted on coffee and an occasional nibble on crackers, or other readily available snacks.

For the first time since the weekend, she had hope that she might actually get several hours of uninterrupted sleep. A long hot shower relaxed her aching muscles and with the added comfort of some flannel pajamas, she poured herself into bed, worn out.

An hour later she was awake. Another nightmare brought her to her knees, sweating and trembling. “Shit,” she said aloud. Her plan for a good night’s sleep was shot. That last nightmare had been a doozie, and sleep was now an impossibility.

The night now stretched out agonizingly in front of her. Not for the first time in her life, she cursed her sense of time. Usually she considered it a great asset, but when things were bad, it was a slow sort of torture feeling each minute tick by.

The ring of the phone startled her, making her jump. Putting a hand to her heart to still its frantic beating, she picked it up. “Hello.”

Harm’s cheery voice greeted her. “Hey Mac. I haven’t gotten a chance to call you since last week, and I just wanted to see how you’re doing.” Uh huh, and there was no ice in Iceland. Someone had told him about Friday.

“I’m fine, Harm. How’s life on the carrier? Case about wrapped up?” Two could play at this game.

“Yeah, I should be home tomorrow. How about dinner? I’ll cook.” Oh yes, he definitely had been told. In all their years as friends, he had never called and asked her to dinner before he got home.

Unexpectedly she felt her heart twist painfully. They’d been growing closer, almost dating, and prior to the weekend she’d been sure they were getting ready to move toward a more intimate relationship. Well that was sure screwed up now.

“Mac? Are you still there?” Harm’s almost frantic voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Yes, sorry. Umm…can I have a rain check?” She didn’t want to lie to him, but she wasn’t ready to face him yet.

There was a short pause and she thought for a moment she’d won. There was no privacy on a carrier, and he couldn’t really argue with her, much less get into a discussion of what happened.

Then his voice came achingly soft and sweet through the receiver of the phone. “Please, Mac. Bud emailed me. I need to see you.”

Without warning, tears welled up and she choked back a sob. Damn him, he always knew how to get to her.

“Okay.” Even as she said it, she knew she wouldn’t tell him the truth. She couldn’t.

He gave an audible sigh of relief. “I’ll pick you up. I should be there around 1800.”

She gave a nod, then realized he couldn’t see her. “Okay.”

He seemed to understand she couldn’t say more than that, and was satisfied for the moment. At least he would see her in less than 24 hours.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Take care of yourself, Ninja-girl.” The nickname touched her, bringing back memories of a simpler time.

Slowly she hung the phone up. Tears streamed silently down her face, and then she broke down completely. Collapsing on the bed, she sobbed as her heart broke. She cried for Harm, for all the lost opportunities. She cried for herself, and all the pain she was struggling with. And finally she cried for the loss of a dream…the dream of a future with Harm. It was gone, even if he didn’t know it yet.

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